This morning we're all shocked by the death news of Chester Bennington. This happened to be the second suicide case I heard this week. The first one was a local guy named Oka, ex of a socmed celeb, who took his life due to his incapability of paying his debt. I wasn't sure about that because I'm not really interested on the news. But this news today about Linkin Park's lead singer, really tickled me.

What's really bothered me is that he hanged himself on his late best friend's birthday. Chris Cornell, lead vocalist of Soundgarden and Audioslave, also hanged himself just recently on May 18, 2017. He was 53 when he died, and Bennington was 41. Both are said to kill themselves due to depression. It's just kind of sad, isn't it?

The ironic part is that Linkin Park had taken part of most of our teenage years, when we struggled fighting the puberty and rebellious spirit. Bennington's music had spoken on behalf of our unsaid emotions. His music represented our hold-up anger, depression, anxiety and desperation. He had helped us get through all those horrible years. So it's so sad that he couldn't survive his own demon.

In Bennington's case, it could be that he was inspired by Cornell's death. But it's just a terrible thing to follow! You don't need to follow that path. Suicide doesn't end your problem. Your life here may be ended, but your spirit and soul would suffer for the unfinished business you got in this world. If you could think outside the box, you'll see why or how or whatever it is that you've been questioning for.



I was in that phase too. I hated life, I hated people. I hated the fact that my parents had to move to Bandung in 1992 and I had to adapt to the unwelcoming new town. I felt that my true friends were in Jakarta, but it wasn't the time of telecommunication and social technology so we lost contact. I didn't like the people in Bandung because they were being too exclusive for me. I wasn't and couldn't be like them, so I didn't feel accepted as a person in the society. I had to be like them or else I wouldn't have friends.

I was mad because my parents didn't have enough money to send me to Jakarta or Canada (where my grandaunt was) for school. I even blamed my grandpa for bringing my grandma into Indonesia, the place I don't feel belong to because I always think differently. I was bullied in junior high school just because one of the most-wanted seniors liked me. I didn't feel safe growing up in that town. I felt like everybody was my enemy. The girls in my peer hated me because I hang out with the boys. (Well, I hang out with them at first place because the girls didn't make me comfortable--too much gossiping and comparing and competition and all those too girly stuff I didn't get to. Meanwhile the boys were all about fun and laugh--of course it was easier to hang out with them.)

Going on high school wasn't easier. My new school was Chinese majority, with a totally different new values I had to adapt with. If blending wasn't easy in junior high then high school was worse. I couldn't follow my fellow schoolmates' taste in fashion or value in life. It was those times when you are judged by the size of your bust and it was uncomfortable. I was once again an outcast. I had an identity crisis by trying to follow the current, but still, I was stranded.

I remember well those afternoons after school that I'd be crying at home for having no friends at school. I was 13 back then. I remember the feeling of wanting to die and how I said to my mom how I hated her for giving birth to me (I know it's such a cruel thing to say to a mother) and that all I wanted was to die. I had those moments when I was considering to kill myself because I couldn't stand the pain. It wasn't a physical pain, but for people who feel so deeply as I do, the struggle is real. And it could be too consuming.

I was lucky that my parents fed me with enough religious teachings from Catholic background that I survived that time because of the fear of eternal sin for taking my own life. Then when I was 14 I was introduced to series of church retreat and prayer fellowship. It really helped me going through the teenage life, because they brought us closer to God, to get to know more about the Gospel, and to have faith and hope. I was saved, once.


But it wasn't the end of the story. I still didn't like living in Bandung, but in my college life I was introduced to Paulo Coelho's books. The first that bound me was The Alchemist. Then, I found The Fifth Mountain, from which I was highly encouraged. The book taught patience and endurance, of the prophet who was forced to stay in a city he didn't like, just because he had a task he must fulfill before he could go out from the city. I took it that I had a task in Bandung so I bore with the challenge and tried my best to serve others while I could.

At one point I was introduced to Betty J. Eadie's Embraced By The Light. It talks about reincarnation, after life, and purpose of life. I was enlightened. I knew now that we human are just a small thing in this big universe, but still each one of us has purpose. I guess it was the turning point of my life, that I knew life isn't as small as what we think. Our brain and knowledge may be limited, but this universe is not. It's just wonderful to know the secrets this world is hiding, what's missed by our eyes and ears. I guess knowing this helped me much on thinking big, on seeing the bigger picture--that we are part of a bigger plan.

Once I figured this out, I tried to search for the root of the problems. It seems that childhood education and affection hold important keys here. Good parenting is crucial. Still, no matter how good the parenting is, each kid is different. Some is stronger, the other is weaker. We just have to know which one is us/our child. But to take it further back, I think children who are born in a happier family tend to be happier in life. So it's important to maintain love and harmony in your family.

I guess that's why I refuse the requirement of labor. I don't think I could take all the responsibility of being a parent. Not that I'm not capable physically, but more mentally. An old friend said, I'd make a great mother. I guess it's true. But being a mother isn't always giving the best for her child. It's also doing good for herself. A good mother and a happy mother can be two different things. And I know--don't ask me how, I just know--that I'm not gonna be happy being a mother. I can't accept the idea of it. It really doesn't suit my soul, so I'm dropping off that option.


I know that life can be so depressing sometimes. Life can be too heavy for us. But it will all pass. Nothing in this life stays the same, and so is depression. If only we can learn to stop a bit, look around and be grateful for the littlest things around us, life can be so much easier to bear. And I knew I wasn't the only one wanting to suicide, but I survived the depression. You must know that you're not alone. If you're struggling with this, read my next post here and help yourself. Remember, you're never alone!


*) Main image taken via wordpress