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Once, there was a guy I knew who liked to use this term a lot, a Javanese word means "I told you!", and this term always reminds me of him. I once read an article in a magazine saying 'Never use this term in any relationship if you want to keep the relationship healthy' but there he went, saying kandani almost all the time. Which made me thinking, how could this short, simple term causes deep impact on people?
The answer came in years of process. A 'kandani' or 'tuh kan' (in Indonesian) or 'told you so' is usually spoken as a spontaneous reaction toward something that happened that is already predicted by one. When this prediction comes true, there is a natural urge from one person to claim of his/her prediction/product of thinking; that they knew this was coming; that they were right.
But then again, we are reminded that each people has their own time; their own path; their own journey. The beauty of Javanese wisdom is that it is so spiritual it is a whole different experience to everyone. There is no certain rule that everybody should graduate at 22, get married at 25, have kids at 27, becomes a manager at 35, and die at 70. No. People have this free will to choose their own ways. And even when they can choose, there is still another factor, like God's will, to 'permit' things to happen to people.
I often hear that word 'tuh kan' being said a lot in my own surroundings, which is such a bossy attitude, actually. It's like we don't allow mistakes to happen; that other should do things the way we want and not letting them to learn the process by their own way. I really think this attitude keeps other people from developing and growing in their own terms. So now I see, how toxic this term 'kandani' can be to ruin a relationship.
It's like we're not patient enough to be a parent toward our children, to be a child to our parent(s), to be a boss (not a leader) toward our subordinate, to be a friend, to be a partner, to be a spouse. It's like we're not allowing them to thrive by controlling each and every single thing of their action. And it shows how arrogant we are, thinking we know everything there is to know in the world.
But what if everything that we know is only 4-10% of the whole secrets in this Universe? Who are we to tell other people what to do? Yes, we are obliged to teach and show, to right the wrongs, to nurture when needed. But how the things are processed in other's mind/heart/life is none of our business.
So how if we do a little practice now, to reduce the use of 'told ya' that one day that term can really disappear from our lives forever? What if we give a chance for other people to learn things their own way, that it may be different from what we had, but in the end we're all learning the same things. What if we give a space for God to work on us as He does to other people in the way that is more fitting for them?
If we can predict something and it is important to tell or warn the others, do it. But what the other person decides to do about it is not our business. It's not for us to control, and it's called to take things easy, to go with the flow, to give in to God's will, or in another word: to have faith. Faith in people and faith in God's plan.
After all, isn't our God so Almighty that everything in this life happens by His plan and His permission? Isn't God so All-Knowing that He knows precisely who we are, each and every one of us, down to our favours, our dreams, and our needs? Even better, He knows more about us than we do because He created us; He planned for us; and He sees things from the bigger picture. So let's praise for His greatness and let him do His thing. Do our part and surrender the rest. I think it's one of the least things we can do to help Him make this world a better place to live. Don't you think?
