Another Victoria's Secrets

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I re-watched the 2011 flick The Adjustment Bureau last night, just to remind myself of why I really liked the movie because I couldn't remember the plot. And there it goes, the story came back to me: I see this movie as a reminder of how my life has been. It may not include men in hat and Doraemon's dokodemo doors (the pink Anywhere Door), but I can relate to the message this movie is implying.

In the movie, Thompson told David that he was supposed to reach his maximum potential, possibly his soul mission, if he wasn't with Elise. It's the same way with Elise: she could be the best person in her field should he live apart from David. Yet, the lovebirds choose love over going after their dreams. It's romantic, really. But the question is: is love alone enough?

Harry Mitchell, one of the guys from the bureau, told David that he couldn't be with Elise because she is enough. She would make David feel so complete that he didn't have to run for presidency and so with Elise--she wouldn't want to pursue her career in dancing if they were together...

(I actually don't agree with this concept. People in love would--if not should--encourage each other to become the best version of themselves. If they don't have kids, for example, they can do even so much more! But that's another argument to make for another day.) 

Well I can't help but wonder if this is what happens with my life now. Should I find someone suitable to marry, I wouldn't be fit to go on with my life task... or whatever 'they' had prepared for me.

At the end of the film Harry said: Most people live life on the path we set for them, too afraid to explore any other. But once in a while people like you come along who knock down all the obstacles we put in your way. People who realize freewill is a gift that you'll never know how to use until you fight for it. I think that's the chairman's real plan. That maybe one day, we won't write the plan, you will.

It's about free will, or what Thompson implied as "the appearance of free will." I feel that I no longer had the choice since 2012, when this inter-dimension journey began. It had given me the 2015 "Gerbang Nuswantara" book, the 2018 "Candi Nuswantara" sequel, and finally, hopefully, the 2020 "Jagat Nuswantara" as the trilogy's final. It had also delivered me meetings with wonderful, great people along the way. And, all the experiences, the knowledge, all the treasure nobody could ever take from me.

But in return, it seems like 'they' take away my permission for romance. I could say, the last boyfriend I had was in 2010, which ended with misery that he double-timed me with 3 other girls during the last 8 months we were together. It wasn't that I became traumatic or something like that, but all the other guys I met after that were all disasters, unavailable, or simply what they call as 'karmic relationship'. So I took the message well. I'm not even looking for a relationship now. I'm so much married to my job.

This isn't a ranting or nagging or that I'm complaining. I'm just saying that this movie The Adjustment Bureau hit me so deep, that made me first somehow understand why I'm not allowed to be in romantic relationship like other 'normal' people. I don't know where I'm going after this, but I know I'm going to do something larger than life.

Since this is the most interesting topic for most of us, let's talk about love, shall we?

I received so many questions about romance on my Youtube channel and I kinda break it down to 5 points that I share here, based on my own experience. These are the things that one should be aware of in order to have a great, loving relationship with the right person. So here's the list--be aware when you are:


1. Focusing only to the physical matters

And physical here doesn't talk only of face, body, or clothing style. It's also about family, economical status, job, or the car that one drives/not drives. We all know these things are the only complementary, and what's the most important lies behind all these. So make sure that when you like someone's appearance, you like what's in the inside too.


2. Waiting for the one who doesn't care

We cannot control our hearts, they said. But truth is, it is your mind that plays here. You may meet someone and like them for they are fulfilling your fantasy of an ideal partner. But I'm gonna tell you here: fantasy isn't real. But intuition, feeling, or your gut is real. So if you like someone and they don't like you back, it's a sign that they're not the one for you.


3. Hanging on to a problematic relationship

A relationship is two ways, and it's always fixable. So if you've been together with someone but the same problem keeps occurring, and both of you cannot resolve it, then it's categorized as a toxic relationship. If you're the one who keeps on trying and hurting with no change, it's just not balanced and it's not healthy. If you've tried but they are still the same, then leave them.


4. Agreeing to someone who's available

Although this is a very common case found, but for me this is the beginning of a painful relationship, especially if they are being your rebound lover. Nobody deserves to be anyone's replacement, and you will never be truly happy either, because you will always look for the figure your partner is not and never will be, thus they will never be perfect to you. This might still work sometimes, but I believe we deserve to be together with our soulmate/twin flame.


5. Wanting someone who is in another relationship

Whether it's them who are attached, or it is you who is already taken, this relationship is not meant to be. When someone says "I do" to build a family with another person, then it means they're taken and they're never ours to have. The same thing happens the other way around. Just remember that three is a crowd. Every single time.


So there you go, stuff you must be clear about when you look for a serious and lasting relationship. So THE POINT IS: beware of the facts. Trust the data, not only your thoughts or emotion or even logic, because they can be misleading sometimes. Fantasy blinds us about the truth, so you must always be aware and present at the moment. You have the gut feeling that is never wrong, but sometimes you ignore it because the fantasy looks or sounds better. Your gut feeling is your tool, so use it.

If a person makes you feel calm, peaceful, and safe, then he/she might be the one. Still, it takes time to prove everything to be true, so trust the process and celebrate each moment!


And good luck with your love life!



Rahayu,

Victoria

via iheartintelligence

I first found out the word "narcissist" just shortly before the the expression got its fame by all the selfie and social media stuff. But it referred to Narcissus, a person from Greek mythology who loved so much looking at his own reflection on the water by the river. I didn't realized then that narcissism is a personality disorder (read here), having its opposite: an empath.

So a narcissist is basically a person who has an excessive interest of themselves. An empath, on the other hand, is someone who is highly aware of the emotions of those around them, to the point of feeling those emotions themselves. An empath is a giver, a healer; and that's what a narcissist seek for. Not to be healed, but to consume the goodness out of an empath so they would feel good about themselves. The narcissist feeds on the attention given freely and abundantly by an empath.

Lately I've been learning not to put any label to myself, in order to learn to be a better person who is free from any label. But the one last thing here I wanna share before I completely turn off any labeling from my life: is the love/hate relationship between an empath and a narcissist (read the 22 stages of the relationship here).

I dated a narcissist once (realized that he was a narcissist only by the end of our dating period but I didn't even know the term 'narcissist' by then) so I've learned to avoid the kind when it comes to finding a boyfriend. But what I didn't know exist is a narcissist friend. I think this kind is more subtle, yet is so dangerous that we won't realize it until we're drained out for keeping the other person's glass full.

via facebook

I think it's important for us to first acknowledge what is a narcissist and how to recognize them. This may be hard at first because usually they give a very good first impression upon people. The only way to know it at first meeting is by the sense. If you sense any form of oddity, or any discomfort about this person, then stay away. You don't have to be friends just because they look nice or cool. Trust your gut.

But most of us don't have this alarm goes well. We tend to dismiss any ill-feeling about a person and try to look at the good side instead. Which is good. But not for the case with a narcissist. So here's how to detect narcissism in a person:

1. Superiority and entitlement
2. Exaggerated need for attention and validation
3. A grandiose sense of self-importance / personality
4. Perfectionism
5. Great need for control
6. Lack of responsibility; blaming and deflecting
7. Lack of boundaries / boundary violator
8. Lack of empathy
9. Emotional reasoning
10. Splitting (between the goods and bads, or dualism)
11. Fear
12. Anxiety
13. Shame
14. An inability to be truly vulnerable
15. An inability to communicate or work as part of a team (check here for no. 15-23)
16. A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
17. A belief that he/she is special and unique and can only be understood by (or should associate with) similar high-status people and organizations
18. A need for excessive admiration
19. A sense of entitlement or unreasonable expectation of special treatment or extreme loyalty
20. A tendency to use others for their own needs or wants
21. An unwillingness/inability to recognize and honor the needs and feelings of others
22. Proneness to envy or having a belief that they are envied by others
23. A sense of arrogance shown in behaviors and/or attitudes
24. Conversation hoarder (check here for no. 24-29)
25. Conversation interrupter
26. Rule breaker
27. Charmer  
28. False image projection
29. Negative emotion
30. An inability to be alone / by themselves; they always need others around; would act like a helpless person / damsel in distress to make people feel they need to help them (the last point here is based on my own experience)

via liveboldandbloom

They said, "Empath and narcissist are two sides of the same coin. One side demonized, the other idealized." I think this is true. We got attracted to one another because of the similarities we share: taste, interests, hobby, thoughts, and so on. Because of these mutual things, an empath would love to be friends with (or date) the narcissist, thinking that "We are so alike but he/she hasn't get there yet, but of course I can help him/her out with that. Piece of cake."

Well, nope. No, no, no. Wrong. It's in fact the opening door to a series of mental abuse that an empath would have to undergo by the narcissist. There are three ways a narcissist could destroy an empath:

1. Manipulation - to control the situation and get what they want by making the empath think they want to give it to the narcissist.
2. Guards are down - even that an empath already has his/her guard low, a narcissist would use the opportunity to gain as much as they can to get what they want.
3. Battle of ego - narcissism is really a product of ego, and an empath basically are not an egotistical person.

via Pinterest

 
Over time, a narcissist would make an empath "doubt themselves based on the manipulation of the narcissist, and they begin to feel like a victim. The victim mentality is also a product of the ego, so over time, the empath's feelings about themselves change. It's a fundamental shift in ego that can lead to depression."

I froze upon reading this, because last year I had a family problem that made me come to one friend whom I consider best friend for years, and her solution / advice truly made me feel and think like I was the victim. She made me change the way I think about my family and demanded attention from them; something that I usually give but this time I asked for a return. At one point, it became so chaotic in my family and that made me depressed. I went to a shrink, I sought for spiritual help, and ever since I got back up again and stood by myself now, I tried my best to avoid that friend who made me fall in the first place.

via thehorsewoman

But surely enough a narcissist won't let his/her easy target go just like that. She came back to me, with all-new personality and a whole new spirituality level, ensured me that she had changed to meet my new standards... and only for her to take the new life I had rebuilt from scratch, like a child taking another child's toy just because she wanted it and because she couldn't make (or afford) one herself. And from there, I looked at the list above about the traits of a narcissist and checked most of them on her.

Some people said I was a stupid for having her back for so many times, again and again, disappointments after disappointments, mistreatment after mistreatment, for the past six years. But in my defense I couldn't do anything about it. First of all, I consider myself an empath, whose weakness is to say no to people. And second of all, I needed to experience all that in order to learn. Yes, I couldn't do anything about it then, but now that I've learned, I could.


"A narcissist's worst nightmare is an educated empath" -Unknown
(via conservativememes / asscgroup)


I think an education about narcissists (or that we call as energy vampires) is one of the best things to learn for an empath. This article taught us how to deal with a narcissist, but in my case, to break up with a friend that I knew for more than 15 years now, is not an easy thing. Especially when she's currently dating my friend and coming to the same community that I go to (yeah, stupid me I introduced my new hobby/friends to her only for her to take it to be hers)

via Dr. Margaret Rutherford

But another friend ensured me that even though she thinks she has it all now, the boyfriend and the new life, she doesn't have anything (meaningful) in her life. A narcissist can only take, not give. They seize, not build. They charm people, always have to appear nice, because they need to assure people that they are worth people's time and energy and attention. They need all the eyes on them, because they don't know who they are without the spotlight. They seek for constant attention, and quickly find another when they lose one source.

They cannot be alone, they can't afford silence and stillness. They don't appreciate things and tend to take people for granted. They are the poorest kind of human being in this world that they must steal from the others. And there's no point of helping or rescuing a narcissist (even trying to do so) because they don't feel like they need the help. They don't understand that. They don't want to be rescued. They just want the attention and feed their ego from it.

my fave Princess Mononoke's quote by Studio Ghibli - via etsy

One thing that I must warn you: a narcissist is not a fool. They are, in contrary, smart people. They have skills, certain ability, some kind of beauty, classy in a way. I dealt with another narcissist last year so I can tell. These people have the similar pattern, only this time I deal with an exceptionally brilliant one that I fell into her trap multiple times, forgiving her all the time and starting it all all over again.

But I must also thank her tho, that without her I may not be so aware like I do now. She served her duty in my life to teach me lessons, to help me awaken, to make me "see with eyes unclouded by hate". Therefore, I must thank all of the narcissists I've met in this life because without them I don't get to see so clearly. But this time, I am saying no to you loud and clear without any guilt.

via Pinterest

via cactusofmylife

It is perfectly human to fear things. Each one of us must have that one thing we fear the most. One may fear the clown, another the dark or the height. Well I've always consider myself as a fearless person. But to me, my one biggest fear is to have children. This has been my fear since I was in junior high school, as I can recall. But this morning a stranger's message on my Facebook page asked me if I have this gamophobia.

via deskgram

Maybe not precisely a gamophobia, because marriage had been one of my biggest dreams ever since I've watched Disney princesses movies. Unlike the usual symptoms, I don't really fear the commitment out of trauma or insecurity. It is the responsibility that comes with it that scares the hell out of me. And the thought of being a "mother". As the stranger described on his message: I fear it because of my perfection on the concept of life. In my mind, children is never part of my concept of a perfect life.

He also said that this symptom is common to be found on genius people, those with high IQ. Well I never assume myself as a genius, especially because I am not. I am just overly analytical, over thinking and over feeling about things. And now it all gets to me as if I need to resolve this glitch in order to get to that level of perfection.

Meanwhile I see my Gemini friends, the people known to fear commitment the most, are getting married. Two of them this month, and another next month. Those are the closest Gemini friends that I know: the people who seem to never gonna get laid because they are scared to lose their freedom. But they are taking the chances and they are making the commitment. They tie the knot.

via ayakbilegiprotezi

Last week I met yet another person who told me this: "fear not." Isn't the Bible also say this for 365 times? Whatever is it to fear in a commitment (marriage) anyway? It really is a part of life and there is nothing to be feared about. Or to be more precise: "think not!" People had been telling me this, but my mind still cannot accept it. Or perhaps, in my defense, "I just haven't met the one."

Well I never thought that this is a phobia that I must deal with. But I guess one way or another, sooner or later, I need to get over this fear by jumping into it and just do it (the marriage, not the children thing, I mean). Perhaps so. Or maybe it'll come in a package. Well, let's just see shall we..

I've been watching some of Marvel's newest series for the past months and something clicked me last night. The Inhumans I watched earlier didn't really taught me of anything but I could see the resemblance with Indonesian myths of the god and goddess of Moon: Batari Ratih and Batara Kamajaya. As a couple, they are known as god and goddess of love, ruler of the Kahyangan Cakra Kembang with the gate located on the Moon or what is called Chandra in Sanskrit.

What kinda hit me was that Blackagar Boltagon, being the king of the Moon, could not speak for his voice alone can destroy everything in front of him. His wife / interpreter Medusalith Amaquelin is the one who is more vocal, more known to people--as also the character of Batari Ratih. Perhaps that's why Batara Kamajaya is almost never surfaced, rarely mentioned, and unknown to many.

via deviantart

Last night I finished another season of series: Cloak and Dagger. Now speaking of the mortals (unlike the super-humans in Inhumans), I can relate more to the character of Tandy Bowen or known as Dagger. She had her 'life' taken away from her when she was 10 and she has been living life in bitter ever since. She's quite lucky to be born white and has pretty face so people would have a nice first impression on her--and she is making the most out of it. But later at night when she's alone, she is tired with life. I guess therefore she was given to see hopes to keep her going.

On the contrary, Tyrone Johnson or Cloak had everything gotten better in his life since the accident when he was 8. He has been trying his best to fulfil people's expectation of him, especially for being black in an exclusive private school. But despite all that he is brave. He dares to face his problems instead of running away like what Tandy usually does. Sometimes he second-guess himself, sometimes he's looking at the wrong direction. But he is brave, thus he was given to see other people's fears so he can be even braver than before.

The pair characters are completely opposite. What Tandy sees and fears aren't visible for Tyrone and it's the other way around. Their skins and family background; the way they see things, think, act; and even the gifts they are given... everything are just totally different. But that's why they are compatible, for being the exact opposite of each other. And that's why they need each other.

via CBR

I started another series too, Jessica Jones. It's an oldie (2015) but I never watched it before. She is another Marvel's superhero who is retired from her days of being cheerfully helping people under the identity of Jewel, and lives her life now just to get paid to buy more whiskey; to survive just another day. The series highlighted her adult life after the traumatic phase where she was made to do unimaginably horrible things by Killgrave and thus her second revival began.

These movies about superheroes made me realized one thing: these super people are actually mere humans. They may have something greater than most of people, something the creators exaggerate and call as superpower, but they all have emotions, flaws, and traumas. They were damaged, but one thing that made them superheroes is that they don't give up. They still fight to do something, if not for others then for themselves first. They believe in the greater good, and they also believe in a better tomorrow. And they fight for it despite the bitter life they have to live with.

via Pinterest

Cloak and Dagger especially shows me (one of) the struggle(s) superheroes had to face: their own fears and weaknesses. They are forced to push their limits and to choose between giving up or fighting back. In one of the scenes our heroes talk about why they are not given what they want but instead something they didn't think they needed, because they are ought to thrive, not to just stay in the comfort zone with their limited knowledge. They need to change the direction and push their boundaries instead:

Tyrone: "If I had a knife, Detective Connors would be dead and buried."
Tandy: "If I could travel anywhere, I'd travel anywhere but here."
Tyrone: "Maybe that's why we got what we got."
Tandy: "Or we didn't get what we didn't get."

via nerdist

I ain't saying that I'm (trying to be) a hero whatsoever. I just learned a lot from their stories. And it kinda related with what just happened here. Last weekend an old friend came to visit after we'd lost contact for five years (and another five before.) He was someone I hung out with 12 years ago. We first met each other like 14-15 years back. But since the first meeting we already knew that we weren't in each other's plans. We don't belong in each other's life. But somehow we are kept in each other's hearts. And our meeting last weekend proved all that.
At one point a question occurred to me; the what ifs--which led to dozens of alternate endings I could picture in my head. All of these years, and the feelings remained. But we were young and I didn't dare to take the leap. I was the one who chickened out and ran away. I was the one who was hiding in the dark, just like the teenager Tandy Bowen did. I was faced an option but I chose the other way which led me to the life I'm in today.

via medium

He showed me pics of his three children, and how well his life is now. I truly feel happy for him and proud of how great a father he has become, but I also know it's that one thing that keeps me away from people most of the time, including him. He loves kids and wants family. I don't. I must admit that sometimes it troubles me to see how different I have been from most of my childhood friends. All of the achievements and families; and how far I am from all that. It reminds me of one of Paulo Coelho's book title: The Winner Stands Alone.

But then again it's all about the choice and consequences. Perhaps once upon a time in some incarnations ago we were couple. Perhaps in one of the multiverses he was mine and we could be together. But this is not DC Comics so it ain't happening. And in this lifetime and universe I'm given and/or choosing the other way. So I gotta let go of it--all the what ifs and if onlys--and just do my own thing. Focus on what I have instead of what's not in my path to have.

via brainyquotes

And now that I've chosen mine I must also deal with the aftermaths. I must endure all the pains and the couldn't haves. In Cloak & Dagger series, Season 1 Episode 9 "Back Breaker", where Father Delgado described in class what makes a hero. Every hero goes through the same path: they answered the call, met the mentor, and battle the Threshold Guardians. Then Delgado said: "... something knocks them down, hard. The hero regresses, they lose everything. Became less than they were when we met them. Because well, if a hero wants to be an actual hero, he has to be born again. From nothing."

So it's normal to have ups and downs. It's human to go through a regression. We are human. But we don't play the victim. We are not one and it's our call to decide what's allowed to happen in our lives and what's not. We choose to stand up and be the hero we need because nobody is doing it for us. We must become our own saviour first, then help the others if we can. Because this world need heroes. And we are all super humans inside, if only we recognize our strengths and talents, overcome our fears, and train to be better to win the battle.

One of the things that helped me understand life is a lesson that came from a dear friend in Bali. In the midst of my confusion of the track that had strayed away from my idealism, he told me that life is nothing more than a series of role that we have to play on for and with other people. Just like the late Nike Ardilla's epic Indonesian song (written by Ian Antono in 1997): dunia ini panggung sandiwara (this world is a theatre)!

(Kalau ga ngerti, baca Bahasa Indonesia-nya di sini ya..)

I pondered on this for a long time, and found peace in the contemplation. We all get through episodes in life that are basically the same: a baby who doesn't know and cannot do anything; a child who starts to learn; a teenager who learns more; a mature person who knows much and is independent; a parent who shares and teaches his/her child/student/other people; then an elderly who, again, depends on others before finally leaves this world.

But in between those phases of life, there are many other roles that are smaller and more detailed, that if we track it deeper will only divided into two basic roles: as a giver or receiver. Sometimes we are the 'victim', who seems to be the toll of a condition or event, but sometimes we have to be 'the bad guy' who seems cruel/mean due to our role to give the lesson to others (and to ourselves as well.)

via Variety

All these are not more than role playing, but let's put aside now those people 'who are evil' or who do crime in bigger and graver scale and really costs that much; because even they are playing a role in this world. You can see it from the changed Hollywood style, that don't longer presenting an antagonist just like an evil who appeared from out of nowhere, but now they show us the past and the human side of them (like the movie Maleficent, for example.) So it's not our job to judge here: there will always be a reason behind one's decision and action if we care enough to look broader and deeper, if we mean to cure and fix them from the root.

Back to the role of life, if we can really understand this, will be much easier for us to understand life itself. Why sometimes we are the victim of infidelity, but sometimes we become that third party in a relationship. Supposedly they said that life is basically like a wheel that is continuing to turn; sometimes we're above and sometimes below.

But if you take notice deeper, what is really going on is that when we're above it's time for us to give more, and when we're below it's time to learn that we don't always possess the power or freedom to take action in life, learn to be grateful for our limits and to surrender, learn to be humble to receive God's blessings through the kindness from the others, and learn toughness and persistence to get back 'up'.

Maybe not many of you have realized this, but can you feel the difference once you understand these 'roles'? Good people don't always do good things. Sometimes we have to be tough and firm to our children to teach discipline, but also show them love so they appreciate life more. Sometimes we have to be the one who brings the bad news, to make a seemingly unfair decision for the continuity of something bigger, and so on (but remember to always do it based on faith, hope, and love just like we already discussed in this post!)

via komsas

Whatever the role that we are doing and experiencing in life, let us always remember of the opposite possibility, to be in the shoes of the person who is our opponent role, and to base all of our mind, words and action on love. Be introspective, cuz it's important. Eling, as Punakawan would always advice the Pandawa knights. So don't forget to always reflect on yourself, OK!

God bless. Namaste. Rahayu.

via failedcritics

via Pinterest

Once, there was a guy I knew who liked to use this term a lot, a Javanese word means "I told you!", and this term always reminds me of him. I once read an article in a magazine saying 'Never use this term in any relationship if you want to keep the relationship healthy' but there he went, saying kandani almost all the time. Which made me thinking, how could this short, simple term causes deep impact on people?

The answer came in years of process. A 'kandani' or 'tuh kan' (in Indonesian) or 'told you so' is usually spoken as a spontaneous reaction toward something that happened that is already predicted by one. When this prediction comes true, there is a natural urge from one person to claim of his/her prediction/product of thinking; that they knew this was coming; that they were right.

But then again, we are reminded that each people has their own time; their own path; their own journey. The beauty of Javanese wisdom is that it is so spiritual it is a whole different experience to everyone. There is no certain rule that everybody should graduate at 22, get married at 25, have kids at 27, becomes a manager at 35, and die at 70. No. People have this free will to choose their own ways. And even when they can choose, there is still another factor, like God's will, to 'permit' things to happen to people.

I often hear that word 'tuh kan' being said a lot in my own surroundings, which is such a bossy attitude, actually. It's like we don't allow mistakes to happen; that other should do things the way we want and not letting them to learn the process by their own way. I really think this attitude keeps other people from developing and growing in their own terms. So now I see, how toxic this term 'kandani' can be to ruin a relationship.

It's like we're not patient enough to be a parent toward our children, to be a child to our parent(s), to be a boss (not a leader) toward our subordinate, to be a friend, to be a partner, to be a spouse. It's like we're not allowing them to thrive by controlling each and every single thing of their action. And it shows how arrogant we are, thinking we know everything there is to know in the world.

But what if everything that we know is only 4-10% of the whole secrets in this Universe? Who are we to tell other people what to do? Yes, we are obliged to teach and show, to right the wrongs, to nurture when needed. But how the things are processed in other's mind/heart/life is none of our business.

So how if we do a little practice now, to reduce the use of 'told ya' that one day that term can really disappear from our lives forever? What if we give a chance for other people to learn things their own way, that it may be different from what we had, but in the end we're all learning the same things. What if we give a space for God to work on us as He does to other people in the way that is more fitting for them?

If we can predict something and it is important to tell or warn the others, do it. But what the other person decides to do about it is not our business. It's not for us to control, and it's called to take things easy, to go with the flow, to give in to God's will, or in another word: to have faith. Faith in people and faith in God's plan.

I think most of you already know that I'm now officially an aunt. My baby sister gave birth two months ago and that means I have 'my own' niece (not my cousin's kids which made me 'second aunt' or something..) This kind of changed our lives a bit, if not all over. Now we go to Baby/Family Room in the malls, looking for cute baby clothes in the stores (and online too), and just like that, our worlds revolves around the baby.

But the next thing is, the suggestion/question from people around for me to have my own baby. "Makanya cepet nikah biar punya bayi juga!" (Go on and get married so you can have your own baby!) is the most common sayings I get for the past two months now -- even from my aunt, which disappointed me the most (I mean, all these years, even my socmed friends have learned of who I am and what I want, but my own aunt fails to recognize that LOL.)

One thing that people often forget to ask is: do I want my own kid? Most of people assume that when we hold a baby it means that we want it or that we need to have it. Last month I met an old friend in a wedding and we discussed about babies. She asked me this naïve question: but can we not have kids? She says, the people here in Indonesia expects everyone to have kids, so it's just out of question to not have one. People would gossip and mock us. She asked me: is that even an option for us?

aunt-and-niece bonding time

So that event, and an interview I had with a nice Brazilian writer for her book project a day before my trip to Gorontalo 3 weeks ago (read this), made me question myself again: do I really not wanting kids? Because the baby hype in my family is getting so frenzy that even my 22-year old cousin discussed it with my mom few days ago. She asked me: what if one day your husband leaves you and you are left alone and have no one to run to? If you have kid, you'd at least have someone you can rely on.

The question hit me louder than ever -- maybe I had never thought seriously of this. But then again, on my way back home that night and on the times I spent before sleep, I was thinking: well I've been thru the worst loneliness in my life, during the past 7 years I spent since my ex Ara was breaking up with me in the worst possible way and crushed me (not just to pieces but) into dust inside; all those lonely and painful healing years I had in Bali... I mean, how much worse can my loneliness be?

I'm still lonely af now anyway, and having kids doesn't guarantee your happiness or of your pension years or that your spouse would stay forever, should you have one. The most important thing is that I'm happy, aware and content, of who and where I am standing right now; of my decisions. I guess that's what really matters, isn't it?

Meanwhile to find a boyfriend is getting really hard these days. I do Tinder, tho I almost never go on a date in the past half year. The second Tinder date I've been to, which just happened two weeks ago, was so ruined as my date (a 38-year old guy; 5 years older than me) who seemed to be a good, nerdy guy (following my sis' advice to go for 'good guys' instead of bad boys LOL), turned out to be an *sshole after finding out that I don't want any kid.

So he thought I was an 'easy' woman that he tried to get on second base with me and offered to get me pregnant before wedding. What a jerk! I'd go back (I'd even run) to loneliness happily if that guy is the alternative. Srsly!

I know she's gonna be cool just like her aunt. LOL.

Well, I still question myself about my will on this baby thing from time to time (I gotta keep updating, ain't I?) And the answer lies the same: no. The Brazilian writer, on the interview and in the questionnaire, asked: what if one day you change your mind (and the time is too late to have a kid)? But then, I already have an answer for that: I can always adopt and it shouldn't lessen the joy. Because if I can love my niece so much as if she's my own, I sure can love other kids the same, can't I?

Ini adalah kalimat milik adik saya yang sering saya kutip. Awalnya terdengar lucu, memang. Tapi ketika saya pikirkan lebih mendalam, ada banyak makna yang terkandung di balik celetukan spontan adik laki-laki saya ini. Selain adik perempuan bungsu yang sering muncul di sosmed saya, ada laki-laki yang lahir di antara kami. Si anak tengah yang malas diikutsertakan dalam foto-foto selfie.

Kami tiga kakak-beradik tumbuh di lingkungan keluarga yang didominasi perempuan: dengan ayah yang sering bepergian ke luar kota semasa hidupnya, otomatis rumah tangga dipimpin oleh ibu kami. Dan hubungan beliau yang dekat dengan empat kakak-adiknya yang semua perempuan, lengkaplah pengaruh kuat feminisme di keluarga kami, walau kemudian jumlah (sepupu) lelaki yang lahir di keluarga ini membuat imbang kedua gender secara kuantitas.

Bisa kalian bayangkan betapa ramainya suasana kalau sekeluarga ini berkumpul: obrolan hangat para tante yang sibuk memperhatikan perkembangan para keponakan berakhir wejangan-wejangan jangan begini, harus begitu, dan sebagainya. Saya menganggap semua ini bentuk perhatian mereka. Tetapi untuk adik laki-laki saya, perhatian mereka malah membuatnya jengah. Akhirnya, adik saya sering menjawab petuah-petuah mereka dengan kalimat "Nggak ada yang 'harus' dalam hidup ini."

Para perempuan kakak-adik ibu saya ini, yang saya panggil 'auntie', adalah perempuan-perempuan perkasa yang berhasil bertahan hidup tanpa sosok lelaki dalam hidup mereka. Walau kasusnya berbeda, saya bisa melihat betapa karakter mereka dipaksa menjadi dominan karena tiadanya / kurangnya peran lelaki dalam hidup mereka dalam 10 tahun terakhir. Mungkin dari sinilah karakter kuat saya terlahir; saya banyak belajar dan/atau mencontoh dari mereka.

Beberapa minggu silam, ada masalah yang mempengaruhi seluruh keluarga kami. Dalam kepanikan kami berkumpul untuk membahas dalam rapat keluarga. Dan sebagai tetua di keluarga, tante-tante saya secara dominan memimpin rapat. Tetapi ada hal yang ganjil dalam rapat ini. Metode yang selama ini diterapkan selama bertahun-tahun dalam keluarga tidak akan dapat menyelesaikan permasalahan yang baru ini. Dibutuhkan cara baru untuk mengatasi masalah baru (sayangnya saya tidak bisa menceritakan lebih detail jenis masalah kami.)

Untungnya kehadiran adik ipar saya memberi angin segar untuk keluarga kami. Mungkin ini adalah rapat keluarga besar pertama yang ia hadiri walau dia sudah dua tahun lebih menikah dengan adik saya. Malam itu ipar saya mengingatkan kami semua: tidak ada manusia yang sama. Kita semua punya waktu dan jalan masing-masing. Dan hal ini tidak bisa dipaksakan.

Ada orang yang bandel semasa mudanya, tetapi menjadi orang sukses di masa tua. Ada orang yang hidup baik-baik semasa mudanya, lalu 'belajar bandel' di masa tua. Ada yang harus melewati berbagai masalah, ada yang hidupnya tampak lancar-lancar saja. Semuanya dalam porsi dan jalan masing-masing, tergantung yang ditentukan dan disediakan oleh Tuhan. Semuanya tergantung pada misi jiwa masing-masing.

via pinterest

Saya tahu hal ini; saya telah melewatinya selama bertahun-tahun terakhir. Saya melihat betapa saya, si 'hopeless romantic pencari cinta' (yang kata ibu saya "tidak bisa hidup sendirian") ini bisa menjomblo sampai bertahun-tahun sampai bertemu orang yang saya rasa tepat untuk mengisi kekosongan hati, dan membandingkannya dengan adik perempuan saya yang sangat mandiri dan tidak terlalu pusing masalah cinta tapi malahan dengan mudahnya menemukan 'jodoh' dan menikah di usia 27 tahun. Usia yang saya jadwalkan untuk pernikahan saya sendiri, tapi rupanya Tuhan berkehendak lain. (Saat ini saya berusia 33 dan masih 'belum siap' untuk menikah.)

Saya dan adik saya terpaut empat tahun, tetapi banyak orang yang bilang wajah kami mirip, hampir kembar. Kami besar di rumah yang sama, mengalami didikan yang sama, pendidikan yang sama di bidang desain interior, dan pemikiran serta selera kami banyak yang sama. Tetapi tetap saja jalan hidup kami berbeda. Rupanya dia lebih cocok hidup berumah tangga, sementara saya sibuk menciptakan karya dan terlibat hal-hal sosial lainnya.

Jelas, kita tidak bisa memaksakan pemikiran kita pada siapapun. Ada tante saya yang bekerja selama 27 tahun di satu perusahaan sampai mendapatkan posisi tinggi dan akhirnya pensiun, dan ada ibu saya yang menjadi ibu rumah tangga di usia 24 tahun dan aktif berkegiatan sosial selama hidupnya. Jalan hidup mereka berbeda, dan tingkat kedewasaan spiritual mereka pun berbeda.

Tetapi ketika ada pembahasan masalah di keluarga, kalimat yang paling sering saya dengar adalah "harusnya begini..." dan "harusnya begitu...". Setiap orang punya pemikiran masing-masing, sesuai dengan pengetahuan dan pengalaman masing-masing, yang akhirnya membuahkan idealisme masing-masing. Lalu bagaimana dengan kata "harusnya" tadi?

Saya belajar banyak dari buku dan film yang saya tonton, kebetulan saya penggemar berat buku dan film. Saya menemukan bahwa hubungan yang paling indah dan berhasil adalah ketika kita tidak lagi mempermasalahkan yang "harusnya" (yang muncul dari ego) tetapi dengan mendukung apapun yang tengah dialami oleh keluarga / pasangan kita. Dalam banyak kasus, tindakan menghakimi atau menasehati dengan "harusnya" ini berakhir dengan salah satu pihak menjauh karena merasa tidak didukung, karena pihak yang satu hanya berpatokan pada idealisme yang tidak bisa diaplikasikan pada permasalahan yang dihadapi.

via blogspot

Balik lagi ke lirik lagu The Beatles yang klasik: all we need is love. Dengan cinta yang tulus, kita bisa mengesampingkan ego (yang adalah melihat dari kacamata diri sendiri) dan berfokus pada individu (yang menempatkan diri kita di posisi orang lain atau dikenal sebagai empati.) Seringkali kita merancukan toleransi dan cinta. Toleransi adalah sebuah sikap yang "memaklumkan" tindakan orang lain. Tetapi cinta kasih menerima seseorang sepenuhnya, secara utuh. Sebaliknya, permakluman akan berhenti suatu saat ketika mencapai sebuah titik yang tidak lagi bisa ditahan.

(Kalau mau membahas ini di ranah kebangsaan, saya memang kurang suka kata-kata 'toleransi antar umat beragama'--buat saya yang lebih layak adalah 'mencintai sesama anak bangsa' sehingga kita tidak saja memaklumkan keberadaan satu sama lain tetapi menerima sepenuhnya dan merasa saling memiliki sebagai anak-anak satu bangsa. Sepertinya dengan begini rasa kebangsaan lebih mudah dibangun.)

Kembali ke permasalahan keluarga tadi, rapat malam itu awalnya dipenuhi dengan idealisme "harusnya" khas para tante saya. Tetapi apa yang kemudian ditawarkan oleh ipar saya sungguh mengubah pandangan dan suasana di keluarga. Ipar saya kira-kira mengatakan begini: "ketimbang merasa kecewa atau menghakimi, sebaiknya kita merangkul yang sedang bermasalah dan mempraktikkan cinta kasih."

Kebiasaan kami mengatakan "tuh kan" memang tidak ada gunanya dalam perkara apapun. Lalu bagaimana kalau memang prediksi kita terbukti benar? Jika sudah bisa memprediksi sebelumnya, kenapa kita tidak menghentikan yang buruk itu sebelum kejadian? Kalau tetap yang buruk itu kejadian, apakah "tuh kan" dan "harusnya" itu bisa menjadi solusi? Lalu bagaimana caranya memulihkan keadaan?

Pada dasarnya semua kembali ke cinta kasih. Seperti film Frozen yang sangat menyentuh saya waktu adegan Elsa menemukan cara mengendalikan kekuatannya: tindakan cinta selalu lebih kuat daripada ketakutan. (Ketakutan menimbulkan kemarahan; kemarahan menimbulkan kebencian; kebencian menimbulkan siksaan.) Jadi, lebih enak kalau kita penuhi diri dengan cinta dan sebarkan cinta itu pada semua orang di sekitar. Betapa damainya dunia ini jika kita bisa seperti ini ya!

Satu pelajaran lagi yang saya dapatkan dalam rapat malam itu: orang yang melakukan kesalahan memang layak mendapatkan hukuman, tapi sebaiknya hukuman itu bukan datang dari kita. Hukuman akan datang dari Tuhan sebagai Yang Maha Kuasa menurut ukuranNya sendiri. Bukanlah hak maupun kewajiban kita untuk melaksanakan penilaian itu.

Sebaliknya, kita, sebagai anggota keluarga / pasangan / teman, sebagai sesama manusia yang penuh keterbatasan, bertugas hanya memberi cinta. Orang-orang yang tersesat tidak membutuhkan tudingan atau penilaian. Mereka membutuhkan cinta dan dukungan untuk kembali ke 'jalan yang benar'. Ketika mereka tampak paling tidak layak dicintai itulah saatnya kita mempraktikkan perintah Tuhan untuk mengampuni dan mencintai. Dan ini bekerja di banyak tingkatan.

via tumblr

Saya teringat kisah sebuah suku di Afrika yang, ketika ada yang berbuat kesalahan, menempatkan orang itu di tengah desa dimana seluruh warga datang mengerumuninya. Selama dua hari itu warga akan mengatakan pada orang itu semua kebaikan yang pernah diperbuatnya. Suku ini percaya bahwa setiap manusia datang ke dunia dengan kebaikan. Pada dasarnya setiap orang hanya mendambakan keamanan, cinta kasih, kedamaian, dan kebahagiaan. Tetapi kadang untuk mencapai ke sana ada saja yang berbuat kesalahan (dan ini manusiawi.)

Suku ini melihat kesalahan itu sebagai permintaan tolong. Mereka bersatu untuk mengangkat orang ini, untuk mengembalikannya pada sifat alaminya, mengingatkannya pada siapa dia sebenarnya, sampai dia ingat sepenuhnya mengapa dia sementara itu terputus dari kebenaran bahwa "saya adalah orang baik".

Shikoba Nabajyotisaikia! 
Nabajyotisaikia, adalah pujian dalam bahasa Afrika Selatan yang artinya "saya menghormati Anda, saya menghargai Anda. Anda penting bagi saya."

Shikoba, sebagai balasannya, berarti "Jadi, saya hadir untuk Anda."
Betapa indahnya contoh ini untuk ditiru!

Saya tumbuh besar di lingkungan yang percaya bahwa pelajaran paling penting di dunia ini adalah iman, pengharapan, dan cinta kasih. Dan dari ketiga hal ini, yang terpenting adalah cinta kasih. Jadi saya mencoba mempraktikkannya dalam kehidupan saya sehari-hari, terlebih karena saya baru saja belajar membedakan tindakan yang berdasarkan kasih dan yang berdasarkan ketakutan (baca di sini.)

via ftd

Satu pelajaran baru bagi saya di sini (sementara teori lama menyuruh kita menegur sesama yang berbuat kesalahan): kadang tindakan menegur bisa dilakukan tanpa kata-kata. Menegur sikap seseorang yang kita nilai salah, bisa dilakukan dengan memberi cinta dan dukungan, yang semestinya membuat mereka sadar sendiri akan kesalahan mereka. Akan jauh lebih dahsyat efeknya kalau seseorang 'bertobat' atas kemauan sendiri ketimbang karena merasa terpaksa, bukan?

Saya juga tumbuh di lingkungan yang percaya bahwa khotbah (baca: menasehati) adalah tugas imam di rumah ibadat. Di luar rumah ibadah, tugas kita adalah mempraktikkan khotbah imam dan perintah Tuhan dengan perbuatan baik yang diharapkan bisa menjadi contoh bagi sesama. Saya percaya bahwa perbuatan baik, sekecil apapun, tidak akan sia-sia. Artinya, pasti ada buah hasilnya. Saya juga percaya kalau semua orang bertanggung jawab pada kata-kata dan tindakannya masing-masing. Kalian juga bisa setuju dengan saya, tapi bisa juga tidak. Dan saya tidak punya kuasa apapun untuk memaksa kalian.

Jadi, nggak ada yang "harus" dalam hidup, kan?


*) Image via livelifehappy