What is a marriage? Though we’ve heard it since we were kids, but what is it actually? My friends start being married, one by one, and it finally reaches one of my bestfriend.

After Icha (Marissa) told me she was getting married this year to a guy she dates for the last 2 years (she told me about 6 months ago and I am gonna be her bridesmaid), I heard more of my friends were getting married. My high school friends especially, like Evi, Deasy, Alief, Harry, etc. But they were never my bestfriend.

Now, about a month ago, my very bestfriend told me that it came to her turn—with a total stranger!!! It was a relief to find the guy was charming and mature and well—though he is too old for me or her, age 34—but he adapted well. He could talk with all of Ester’s friends without giving a feel of age difference.

After the first meeting with my bestfriend’s future husband, it came to me and Irma this thought. That eventually our friends will get married—and this kinda worried us. What will we become without Ester near us? What will we do if Livia’s gone, too? Not that we’ve never get separated before. Livia spent 3 years abroad and I lived in Jakarta for a year. We lost contact with Ester once, but now we’re in our best performance. We gather as often as we can, and we just love each other so much!

And now that one by one will finally get married, choosing our own way of life, I was afraid. Afraid of losing such gentle, loyal, close friends who love me for me and help me get through the stormiest weather.
The idea of getting married really scares me. We already knew that Ester’s greatest passion is to build her own family, to find the perfect fatherly husband and to raise the children of her own with love—to build her little castle.

But the next news we got was that she was going to live in Aussie with this new boyfriend. They are getting married in that kangaroo country, and—this really shocking for me—I would probably lose her forever!

Not that I never wanted to go abroad myself. I was always dreaming of getting married and be brought to USA or somewhere Europe with my future husband. But I am forgetting those dreams for a while bcuz I am still in trauma with my latest relationship, and I am still enjoying being surrounded by my soul sisters and those guys who wait out there just to have a bit walk and talk with me. All of these happen here, in Bandung, and I couldn’t love Bandung more than ever. This is the city where I get all the best of friends and greatest lesson in life ever.

Back to getting married, I am still afraid of finding my own destiny. You know all those feelings when the two of your bestfriends walk with their partners and you are walking by yourself, with them.

I experienced it yesterday. Usually I am okay with the situation. After my breakup with Ferdie, I am more stable and calm. We always hang out at Ciwalk where everybody was coupled and it feels like I was the only single there, with Irma. But now it is different. Irma starts working at Panin Life now, with normal work hours that mean I can not ask her to company me on weekdays anymore.

It leaves me to face this couple thing alone. It really suck, it is. I know that my bestfriends never thought of what I am thinking. But my heart felt it. When they were feeding each other with such tender and gentleness, I ate alone. And when they were fighting becuz of such little stuff, I got only myself to talk to. The worst situation I could handle was to sms Irma immediately to get myself better. Cuz it was really suck. To all singles in the world, I know you must share the same feeling with me for this case.

Then I was thinking—the same thoughts with Ester’s and Livia’s—to get a boyfriend. So at least I could have a guy to talk to when my friends were busy with their own. And I could have him drive me home so my bestfriend’s boyfriend won’t be too tired to drive me all the way to North before driving their girlfriends back to South. And the most important thing is—I can kiss. Well, this isn’t too important I guess, but MY FRIENDS ARE PERFORMING SUCH ROMANCE SCENES IN FRONT OF ME just like those movies. Make me want it too sometime. I know this is Indonesia. You might be surprised at what we could do here, copying what we saw in movies.

But I ain’t looking for a guy for those reasons. I want love. And I want two-ways affection. That means I must love the guy and he must love me too. Not making him my guy for driving me or just to company me. I want a mutual relationship. And I’ve found the guy that I love and the guy that I really want to spend my lifetime with. The two dumped me. They left me alone and leave me with all the lessons to get more mature in this life. I don’t blame them. I don’t regret it. But I just want the love.

I am just curious what will happen next in my life. Will I find the right guy? Will I do the same as what Livia says: to find the guy who loves me, and all that matter is to learn to love him. Or will I be still a single just like Irma? Actually I have no desire to get married this soon like Ester. Livia’s plan is in 4 years. Maybe Irma’s time will come sooner than her. But I bet I’ll be the last to be married bcuz of my difficult and complicated idea of my future life.

What do you think of a marriage? Please comment this post or send an email to vq17@yahoo.com, I will appreciate your correspondent very much. I really need to know what your idea of marriage, since mine is really weird and complicated, I can’t understand it either.