It is said that "People think to be strong is not to feel the pain. But the strongest people are those who feel it, understand it, and accept it." (Unknown). For the past three years I've learned to accept and divert the pain. I concentrate on other things so feeling is the last thing I can think or feel of in my daily life.
It can be good, especially when someone is taking you for granted. But when it's the opposite thing that happens, it can really make you feel like the most jackass of all. Like what I feel now.

Usually, the people we love the most is the one who hurt us the most. This time, I hurt the one who loves me the most. The feeling is truly indescribable, especially when you care enough about this person. Especially when he was your last hope to restore your faith in love and relationship and you are forced to leave him due to some circumstances that isn't really your will.

Sometimes all we want to do is giving in to emotion and let it guide you. But I listen to my mother and I believe she, like any other mothers, has this maternal instinct that is 95% right. I've taken the other way before but now I know she knows better about this feeling and instinct thing. So I choose more clever this time: Mom's instinct.

From my chat with Carla today, we agreed that after time our brain practice to choose the memory we want to keep. I think it works the same with the selection of the feeling we want to feel. I choose not to "feel" now.
Well, I secretly feel sad actually, being so cruel to kill the love that actually worth a try before even trying.

And my Revenge DVD marathon lately makes the feeling worse for I feel like being an Emily to Daniel. I am an evil and I would get my karma, I know. That is why I am tired of emotions and dramas now. But I am afraid I'd become Emily for real: disabling all emotions, including not to feel the pain.

Anyway, life never goes the way we want it to. And nothing is fair in love and war. So what. We can only move forward and go on and try our best to live it up, making it up with the past by being better in the future.
I hope I still have the "future" tho.