Another Victoria's Secrets

~Ran ft. Shila

I was queuing for a cab last night at Senayan City when I overheard a lady behind me commenting another lady with large green bags of Crocs purchased items and she thought it was now a trend, to see how people are on race collecting those. But I still think it's silly, because:

1. You don't wear colorful holed rubber around your feet, it's freakingly disgusting.
   
2. I think it's such a waste spending hundreds of thousand rupiahs only to get a pair of this silly shoes.
3. Its model is too bulky and it's completely ruining the idea of the fashion (if you think you're one of the fashion concerned people.)
   
4. It made you look totally like an old giant infant and I don't think it's cute (please remember your body volume and age.) They're much cuter if being worn only by children.
   
5. I think the model was inspired from Dutch's wooden shoes so it's terribly unfashionable unless you're wearing Dutch traditional clothes...

~Carole King

~India Arie

I was listening to my iPod and found this song shuffled surround my ears. I think the lyrics are great and powerful, I love the idea of 'moving on' and the word forgiveness itself. So true and the thing we're facing daily in our lives. I love this song!

Mom bought me a very nice purple quilted patchwork bedcover from Agape, which made my room feels warmer and suddenly it looks much better. Thanks Mom.. (how do you like it??)


And below here, is the view from my window.. Enjoy! :)

This one's a too late post, actually, but I still wanna boast some new stuff I just got last month from my birthday..


1. Nightmare Before Christmas silver umbrella from Irma
2. Noin Brand black coat from Bent and Clemy
3. black and white beaded party bag from Aunt Magda
4. brown LV mini monogram Speedy bag from Livia
5. blue-green summer dress from Ester
6. shocking pink iPod shuffle from Mario
7. pink scrapbook from Lita and Nina

Thank you for the nice presents you gave me and made my birthday this year felt even more superb. I like them all a lot, thank YOU! :)

Thursday, 9 April 2009
I woke up by 6 when Ara sms-ed me but finally awoke by 7 when he was on the way to my house already. So I got up, prepared stuff and left home to elect the legislatives down at Jl. Ligar Wangi (and met the brothers Wahyu and Tejo.) We drove to The Valley afterward.

His friends were there already, chillin' by the tivo and we joined them till it was lunch time. We prepared ourselves for church and had a Mr. Moo's burger on the way. We attended the 3.30 p.m. White Thursday mass and met Irma, Yanto and Tan Ira there.

We rode to Ara's grandma's home after the mass, then to Alter Ego (the new bar & lounge at Jl. Cihampelas) before finally went to Warung Laos for Livia's birthday celebration. After a pan of thin mushroom pizza (me and Ara were the last eaters) we crossed the road and took a walk at Ciwalk for some refreshing. The girls walked around for window shopping while the guys waited at Honeymoon Dessert.

We met my family there before we finally separated. But we went to The Valley again instead of going straight home. We had good times there till around 1 a.m. and then Widi, Julie and Justine came with us on Ara's ride and took me home first. This was a lovely day!

Friday, 10 April 2009
I woke up a bit later than the day before and prepared myself to go to a meeting with some highschool friends. Clemy took me to The Cellar where I met Jeanny, Frisca and Daniel there. Then Setiendy and Abby joined us for some nostalgia.

1-This number is suggestive of a good measure of executive and leadership qualities. You are curious and dedicative. When you are interested in something, everything else has to wait. A birthday on the day 1 of any month gives greater will power and self- confidence. You have an innovative approach to things. This 1 energy may undermine your ability to ability and desire to get into details. You may be sensitive, but you choose to repress your feelings. You believe in love at first sight. You won't wait to learn more about the person. Vice versa, people who fail to impress you will hardly get a chance to be your friend. Your emotion is on the extreme. You can only love or hate, nothing in between and this often shows in your expression. Try not to end a relationship in a quarrel.


2- This number is responsible in adding a degree of sensitivity, emotion and intuition to your reading. 2 is a very social number which enables you to make friends easily and quickly. You are prone to become nervy in the company of a large group. You are by nature warm-hearted and emotional. You have great common sense but usually fail to follow through. This might happen because you are too busy with your mission and shut yourself from the outside world. You constantly seek affection. You have a tendency to become depressed and temperamental. You suffer from anxiety and mental turmoil. Once depression sets in, you find it hard to bounceback to reality. You seem to be contented with your unrequited love. Your are a romantic and loyal over.


3- Number 3 adds a good deal of vitality to your life. It enables you to bounce back rapidly from setbacks - mental or physical. Although you are innocent and romantic but your expression often mislead others into thinking that you are an active and fun loving. You are restless and are able to portray a carefree attitude. You are vocal about your thoughts and are a good conversationalist. You are capable of making a very good impression. You are too good with your words and excel in writing, speaking and possibly singing. You have a keen imagination, but you tend to scatter your energies and become involved with too many superficial matters. You are loving, affectionate and too sensitive at times. You are subject to rapid ups and downs. No one can bring you to see reason when you are in love. Your confidence might lead you to the track your parent disagree.


4- Being born on the 4th day of the month, you are blessed with managerial and organisational qualities. You are serious, honest and a hard working individual. You usually think before acting. Your feelings are likely to be repressed at times. The number makes you inhibitional in expressing your affections because your feelings are closely regulated and controlled. You often are the one who give yourself a hard time by being paranoid. People might not truly understand you but you are really nice to be around. You always surprise others with your new character when you are in love. Your love trap often comes unexpectedly and your love life is full of surprises. You are rational, practical and conscious of details. The number is associated with a good deal of rigidity and stubbornness.


5- Although you are on the quiet side, but you enjoy excitement and changes. You are inclined to work well with people and enjoy them. You are versatile and talented and very good when it comes to the presentation of your ideas. Because of your extreme confidence, you hardly ask others for opinion. You believe in leading your own life, and you have got the gift in doing so. You need change and traveling is a good option. You are blessed with a quick, clever and an analytical mind. You get easily bored with routine as you are impatient and restless by nature. You have a tendency to shirk responsibility. Nothing can stop you from making progress in your love life. Once you are in love, you feel the ownership of your lover. A third party can only make your jealousy becomes worse.


6 -The number 6 adds a tone of responsibility, understanding and helpfulness to your character. You are generous with people in need, sometimes to an extreme that people find you nosey. Those born on the sixth are honest and open with everyone. Your hidden courage and dedication often surprise others. Your imagination is extremely unique. You are caring about family and friends too. 6 is a number associated with responsibility and caring. Your love life is on the smooth track because it grows from friendship. Although you may not make a sweet lover but your sincerity bring happiness to your couple.


7- Those born on the 7th are something of a perfectionist. You are individualistic in many ways. You are capable in-depth mental analysis and complicated reasoning. You are sensitive to changes around you but your feeling is hardly expressed. You hate exaggerations. You are intuitive and should follow your hunches. You can't take orders too well. Therefore you can work best in a situation where either you work alone or you are the boss. You have a tendency to be somewhat stubborn and self-centered. You have enormous courage to please your lover. Your relationship often progress quickly.


8- You can conceive and plan on a grand scale. You have good executive skills and you are a good judge of values. You should aim at owning your own business. You simply love to be in control. People look up to your wit and imagination. You are unpredictable and hardly complete what you started, which sometimes create negative impact on people around you. You are honest in financial matters and can be trusted easily. You are idealistic by nature, and never too busy to spend time on worthwhile causes, especially if managerial support are needed. There is a potential for material success associated with this number. Falling in love becomes your routine. Most of the time, you are lucky. You fascinate people with good taste but you never have enough with one. Although your love progresses very fast, it never lasts.


9 -The number 9 adds a tone of idealism and humanitarianism to your personality. You can work easily with people on the virtue of being broadminded, generous and tolerant. You often have problem in promoting yourself, just because you don't know how to express your true self. On the other hand, you don't really care what people think. This is why people misunderstand you until they really get a chance to learn about your pleasant personality. You are sensitive to other's needs and feelings. You are also compassionate and sympathetic. Your feelings run deep and you often find yourself in dramatically charged situations. The 9 energy tends to give more than it gets. Your first love lasts forever. You are responsible to the feeling of your lover. The chance to betray your lover is none. You have luck with children.


10 -A tone of independence and energy is added to your Life Path on the virtue of being born on the 10th day of the month. You are very capable. If you are a woman, you have high chance to be renowned workingwoman. If you are a man, your path to fame and honor is near. You have greater will power and self-confidence and an original approach to things. You are good in implementing your imagination and share it with others. You are always well dressed. The 1 energy may undermine your ability to handle details. You are sensitive but like to keep your feelings to yourself. You often lose your love ones from being too jealous. You always feel like you own the person you fall in love with and that often blows your relationship.


11- You are an idealist and a dreamer. You are gracious, elegant and prudent. You can work with people very well because you believe in persuasion rather than force. You are spiritually inclined and have intuitive qualities inherent in you. People admire your qualities and some even become jealous of you. You are realistic, flexible and adaptable. You are often temperamental but nonetheless you are sensitive. You have an analytical mind and may not feel comfortable in the business world. You are creative and this make you more of a dreamer than a doer. You are willing to sacrifice yourself for the one you love. Your lover will always have your gentleness, care and loyalty. You will always be happy to hand around the one you love.


12- Being born on the 12th day of the month, the energy of 3 adds a good amount of vitality to your life. The energy of 3 allows you bounce back rapidly from setbacks, physical or mental. There is a restlessness in your nature, but you seem to be able to portray an easygoing, sometimes "couldn't care less" attitude. You have a natural ability to express yourself in public, and you always make a very good impression. Good with words, you excel in writing, speaking, and possibly singing. You are energetic and always a good conversationalist. You have a keen imagination, but you tend to scatter your energies and become involved with too may superficial matters. Your mind is practical and rational despite this tendency to jump about. You areaffectionate and loving, but very sensitive. You are subject to rapid ups and downs.


13- The number 13 should help make you a better manager and organizer, but it may also gives you a dominating attitude. You are friendly, humorous and full of energy. You are open-minded. You are sincere, truthful and a dedicated and hard working individual. Your weak point is your hot temper. You may have to confront various limitations due to this 4 energy. Your feeling are likely to be repressed at times. Your insistence on being meticulous about details can be irritating to some. You are willing to start off in one-sided love affairs because you strongly believe that you will eventually win his/her heart. On the other hand, once you are together, you always want to do things your way, which is often the fire starter. You usually run in and out of love quickly.


14- You are so confident that sometimes you forget about the people around you. If you have to be in one of the two teams, you will choose to be in the winning team. You are inclined to work well with people and enjoy them. You versatile and talented. You are pretty good in putting forth your ideas and your organizational skills can be matched by few. you are kind and caring but above all, you care for your own benefits. Your imagination is unique and often gets implemented shortly after it comes across. You need change and love traveling. You tend to be very progressive, imaginative and adaptable. You have a quick, clever and analytical mind. You are by nature restless which makes you impatient and bored with routine. You have a tendency to shirk responsibility. You will not get soft with the one you don't really like, no matter how hard he/she tries. But once you feel for someone you have chosen, there's no getting back.


15 -With a birthday on the 15th of any month, you are inclined to have really strong attachments to home and family. The 1 and 5 equaling 6, provide the sort of energy that makes you an excellent parent or teacher. You are outgoing and love to be at the center of attention. From the outside, you may seem flashy, flirtatious, and tricky but your true self is strong, full of hope to be the leader. You like harmony in your environment and strive to maintain it. When you fail to convince someone, you will get frustrated, and perhaps let your temper show. You learn a lot by observation rather than study and research. You may like to cook, but you probably don't follow recipes. This number shows artistic leanings and would certainly support an talents that may be otherwise in your makeup. You're a very generous and giving person, but perhaps a bit stubborn in certain ways. You are emotional. Many can win your heart at once, but not for long. This is why you hardly win a decent relationship.


16- You always follow the good and the right instead of listening to your heart. You are a perfectionist. You care for every word people say about you. You are by nature lonely and generally have the desire to work alone. You are inflexible, and insist on your independence. You need a good deal of time to rest and to introspect. You are a little stubborn sometimes. It is primarily due to this that you find it difficult to maintain permanent relationships. You are a dreamer who is ready to get over the edge to make your dream come true. But nevertheless you are a very homely person and may eventually end up having a family. You have an inclination to the technical, the scientific, and to the religious explorations. You may be emotional, but find it tough to express them. Because of this, there may be some difficulty in giving or receiving affection. You often fall in love with a person who is much different from you, in age and other aspects. Your relationship grows on friendship. Love at first sight is not your style.


17- Your birth on the 17th day of the month suggests that you are financially very fortunate. This date blesses you with a very solid business sense. Despite being honest and ethical, this birthday enables you to be shrewd and successful in the world of business and commercial enterprise. You are bestowed with excellent organizational, managerial, and administrative skills that enable you to tackle large projects and significant amounts of money with ease. You are ambitious and highly goal-oriented. You are good with starting projects than you are at finishing them. You neither want to be interfered nor have the desire to mess with others' life. But you are friendly and occasionally a party animal. You often do things in your own way that occasionally go beyond the acceptable limit. People may find you childish and not very attractive in that sense. You like to hide your sensitive self from the others. This makes it hard for you to give or receive affection. Your fun-loving character attracts opposite sex.


18- At first glance, people think you are quiet type of person. Actually you are cheerful, but conditionally. You will show your jovial character only in good mood. When you are moody, no one would dare to be around. Because of your emotional fluctuation and frank character, some find you hard to be around. Your birthday on the 18th day of the month suggests that you work well with a group, but still remain someone who needs to maintain individual identity. You have a philanthropic approach to business circumstances in which you find yourself. You are an able organizer and administrator. You are broad-minded, tolerant, generous and compassionate. You have the capability to inspire others with imaginative ideas. You repress your feelings more than expressing them. You have a dramatic way of expressing yourself to others. Strangely enough, you don't expect as much in return as you give. You hardly show your feeling towards opposite sex no matter how much you like him/her. Your partner also has similar character so your love affairs often take quite a while to flourish. Time tells it all. Your sincerity makes you very attractive.


19- Your birth on the 19th day of the month adds a tone of independence and extra energy to your Life Path. On the other hand, it poses a number of obstacles for you to surmount before you can actually as independent as you would like to be. You are great in managing everything in your life and this is how you gain respect from others. Because of this quality, you sometimes feel that you are better than the rest. Birth on the 19th day of any month, gives greater self-confidence, will power and very often a rather original approach. Extreme confidence might lead you to the wrong path. You may have a self-centered attitude to life. This 1 energy may undermine your ability and desire to go into the details. You are sensitive, but your feeling stay somewhat repressed. You have a compelling manner that can be dominating in many situations. You do not prefer to conform to conventions. You also don't pay much heed to advices. Consequently, you tend to learn through experiences. Both 19 and 1 are loner numbers and will often tend to experience bouts of loneliness even after you are married. You may take on a tendency to be nervy and prone to anger. When you are in love, nothing can stop you. You may often fight with your partner but, soon after that, you will make up in a way that surprises others.


20- You are prudent, circumspect and take things seriously. Before you make any move, you will think of a few alternatives that might take a while. You have a touch of emotion, sensitivity and intuition to your personality. The 2 energy makes you amicable and social which in turn allows you to make friends easily and quickly. Nevertheless you tend to get nervous in the company of a large group. You are by nature warm-hearted and are gifted with emotional understanding. You are patient, imaginative and target oriented. You value friendship more than anything else. You are in constant need of affection. You are subject to mood swings and often suffer from anxiety and mental turmoil. It can be hard for you to bounce back to reality when depression sets in. You usually study your partner carefully before making any move. You never demand anything beyond the natural quality of that person. Your sincerity doesn't bring excitement in your love life but it brings deeply grown relationship.


21- The energy of 3 helps you tobounce back rapidly from setbacks, physical or mental. You are impatient by nature, but seem to be able to portray a carefree attitude. You are articulate and invariably leave a good impression whenever you express yourself in public. You are good with your words and excel in speaking, writing and possibly singing. You have a keen imagination, but you tend to dispel your energies and become involved with too may superficial matters. You have a practical and rational mind. You are loving, affectionate and very sensitive. Your life is subject to rapid ups and downs.


22 -You are bossy but not a leader. You are capable of tackling large scale undertakings, often by applying unorthodox methods. You can assume great responsibility, work hard for long hours to get the work done. You are often rigid and stubborn and have a tendency to repress feelings. Most people look up to you for your capability and confidence although they find you quite stubborn. You should listen more to others. Idealistic, you work for the greater good with a good deal of inner strength and charisma. An extremely capable organizer, you seldom pay attention to details. You are very aware and intuitive. You are a unique and a charming individual. You are subject to a good deal of nervous tension. You hardly take the moderate track. You either love or hate someone. Whom you call friends are the chosen ones. If any of them betray you, you won't let them get away without having hard time.


23 -You never live your life in the way others want you to. You are talented and versatile, very good at presenting ideas. You love to take up challenges and excitement, and are even ready to face the upshot of your choice. You may have a tendency to get itchy feet at times and need change and travel. You tend to be very progressive, imaginative and adaptable. Your mind is quick, clever and analytical. A restlessness in your nature may make you a bit impatient and easily bored with routine. You may have a tendency to shirk responsibility. Very sociable, you make friends easily and you are an excellent traveling companion. You are usually the one your friends count on. Because you love excitements, you occasionally get involved in forbidden love affairs. You may fall in love with a married person and no one can stop you from making progress. You are very charming, although you might not realize it.


24- Born on the 24th, you have a great capacity to take up responsibility and help others. You may also become the mediator and peacemaker in inharmonious situations or situations where tension prevails. You are devoted to family and tend to manage and protect. This birth date adds to the emotional nature and to the sensitivities. Affections are important to you; both the giving and the receiving.


25- You are very optimistic and that's why you always enjoy life. You are gifted in entertaining others. Your birth on the 25th day of the month (7 energy) gives you some special interest in technical, scientific, or other complex and often hard to understand subjects. You may become something of a perfectionist and a stickler for details. Your thinking is logical and intuitive, rational and responsible. Your feelings may run deep, but you are not very likely to let them show. This birthday makes you a more private person, more introspective and perhaps more inflexible. In friendships you are very cautious and reserved. You are probably inventive, and given to unique approaches and solutions. Your friends love and trust you. You'll be the first they come to when they are in need of someone to speak their heart out. Sometimes you fall in love just because you want to be in love, not that you really like that person. You always be seen as a sweet couple but you can't really get over your love ones from past. Your partner is usually crazy about you because you are remarkably charming and romantic.


26- You are always curious and responsive to changes. Routine life is not the way you choose to live. Your birth on the 26th day of the month modifies your life path by increasing your capability to succeed in the business world. It is the 2 and 6 energies that enable you to co-ordinate well with others, in terms of work. There is a marked increase in organizational, managerial, and administrative abilities. You are efficient in handling finance. Ambitious and energetic, while generally remaining cooperative and adaptable. This birthday is practical and realistic, often seeking material satisfaction. Travelling is your favorite hobby because excitement is what you are after. You will not stand being around the one you dislike. Your love comes and goes quickly. You can be deeply in love but soon after you will be looking around for the next one.


27- Your birth on the 27th day of the month (9 energy) adds a tone of selflessness and humanitarianism to your life path. You are sensitive and vulnerable. Tears often run down your cheeks even when the matter is not that bad. This might be the result from being to pessimistic. You might seem cold on the shell, but your inner self is a kind loving person. You need a good amount of time to be with yourself in order to contemplate. This birthday makes you generous. cooperative and broad minded. You are the type of person who likes to use persuasion rather than force to achieve your ends. You might seem cold on the shell, but your inner self is a kind loving person. You tend to be very sensitive to others' feelings and needs. You are giving in nature where friendship is concerned, without expecting much from them in return. You will be elegantly dressed, no matter how casually dressed your date may be. You are demanding in love and sometimes to an unacceptable extend.


28 -You are a capable person but you usually underestimate your own ability. This is the cause of missing numbers of opportunity to step forward. You are endowed with executive ability and leadership qualities. A birthday on the 28th of any month gives greater will power and self-confidence, and very often a rather innovative approach. Unlike much of the other 1 energy, this birthday is one that endows with the ability to initiate a job and continue with it until it is finished. You can handle details pretty well. You are sensitive and restrained with your feelings. sensitive, but your feeling stay somewhat repressed. If you try to give yourself a chance, you can be successful in life. Try to see things on the bright side and you will be happier than ever. You are quite unlucky in love. The one in your arm is not the one in your heart. Your love has so many ups and downs. You often chicken out before seeing any progress in love.


29- You can trust your sixth sense. Life is exciting so routine job is not your interest. You have great ideas and fantastic imagination. Your birthday on the 29th adds a tone of idealism to your nature. You are imaginative and creative, but feel rather uncomfortable in the corporate world. You are very aware and sensitive, with outstanding intuitive skills and analytical abilities. You often feel tired of things and people around you. The 29 reduces to 11, one of the master numbers which often produces much nervousness and anxiety. This is the birthday of the dreamer rather than the doer. You do, however, work very well with people. You can tell what's in the mind of another person just from looking into his/her eyes. You are paranoid and jealous and these are the cause of fights between you and your lover. Sometimes the thing you believe in is just your imagination.


30- Your birth on this day shows that individual self-expression is necessary for your happiness. You have a good way of expressing yourself clearly and understandably with words. You are always surrounded by a circle of friends. You are friendly and fun to be with. Although you occasionally disappoint them by being stubborn, but over all, they love you for what you are. You have a good chance of success in fields requiring skill with words. You are pretty dramatic in your presentation and you may be a good actor or a natural mimic. You have a vivid imagination that can help you in becoming a good writer or story-teller. You are strong in your opinions, always tend to think that you are on the right side of an issue. There may be a tendency in you to dispel your energies and have a lot of loose ends in your work. You may have significant artistic talent and can be very creative.


31- Your birthday on the 31st of the month makes you a good organizer, manager, an energetic and dependable worker. They all in turn may help you achieve success in the business world. Serious and sincere, you have the patience and determination necessary to accomplish a great deal. Your approach can be original, but often stubborn and rigid. Sensitivity may be present, but feeling are likely to be repressed. You are good with detail and insist on accuracy, but at times scatter energies. You are a practical thinker but not devoid of imagination. You love to travel and don't like to live alone. You should probably marry early, for responsibility is necessary for your stability.

1. It's too consumptive a gadget; the price and the monthly bill,
2. It's not that worth it; the price you're paying vs the features you're getting,
3. I'm not gonna be part of the fool trend they're contaminated here,
4. I have my own way to get online and in touch with the world,
   
5. I don't wanna be another autistic freak, I need to be more in a real life.

Livia informed me that the Pastor from her neighborhood told her a secret about relationship: it doesn't matter how much love and passion and effort, a relationship is something more about the wisdom you both are having along the way. For this, I am agree.

This is a higher level of understanding and I don't think everybody can really understand this. But I feel that Ara and I are already getting on this point, or perhaps we're still at the beginning of the level. Yet I appreciate so much on how he can adapt with and understand my imaginative world.

I am saying, that without wisdom, a relationship is gonna be just being in a commitment, affection and sex (come on, there must be sex involved in every relationship, regardless how active or passive you're doing it, right?) I believe there must be something more supreme about being in a relationship, and I guess it's the 'wisdom' the Pastor was saying, or some others simply call it 'love'.

The word 'love' can be a result of long term of habits or sense of belonging. We might call it love. But my version of love/relationship is a bit different.

Love is something that you can't decide or choose or control. Love happens just like that, like an attack in the middle of the night that ruins your whole defense and system. Love comes mostly by the most unpredictable way and at the most unprepared time.

I've loved several men in my life. I still love most of them, in some and various ways, since love is something eternal (Paulo Coelho said that love remains. The form and subject are the ones that change. Read Eleven Minutes.) And I still can love for more for my love is unlimited.

Love isn't about being together with just one person (that's a commitment) but about giving as many as you can when they need it. Maybe because I'm being a Piscean (as also Cancers, the book said) that I'm always full of love and fall in love with the word 'love' itself.

Yet love doesn't need to be possessed. It's not about having the love, but having to tell the person and show them you love them. It's not about grabbing it too tight but letting it fly freely to grow and expand itself.

But no matter how far it flew or big it grew or wide it expanded, love will always come back to where it feels the most comfortable. That's what we call 'home'. That's who we chose to be our lifetime partner.

I don't do relationship based only by feelings. I do logic, too. I think it's rather a careless stuff, to do commitments without any ratio. Don't be too naive, love alone won't make you survive any relationship [Your Love Alone Is Not Enough by Manic Street Preachers for background music, please].

Because that you get married by choice, not by obligation or by any force, I suggest to use a little more brain on deciding who's the lucky (as well the unlucky) person you're gonna be with for the rest of your life.

I believe that we have more than one soul mates in this life, because our soul can have many sides and each side will have its own match. The matches could be packaged in one person, or it can be in several.

I also believe there must be more than just one person who'd ever love us in our lives, but since we're allowed to choose only one, we have to make the best decision, which I suggest to choose someone who matches the most with you; both by the soul and heart.

And I believe that people come and go in our lives [read Mitch Albom's Five People You Meet in Heaven] so maybe that's why I'm afraid and too-prepared for the relationship word or commitment idea (that once in a lifetime vow men tried to postpone as long as possible and women tried to chase as soon as possible) because I know that people change. Ayu Utami calls it fluid, because it can transform into shapes by certain circumstances.

We can't avoid the change. Along by it, people would seek someone who matches the most with them at the time.

Maybe what I need is just someone who can adapt well to my changes, as well as I'd adapt to his changes, too. I need someone who has the same (or nearly the same, at least) pace as mine. Maybe by the time I find him, I'd really get hooked up... who knows?

~Padi

I found this song yesterday on my way home at my iPod shuffle and I listened to its lyrics carefully cuz I didn't think I've ever heard this song before. It was downloaded automatically from my sister's playlist. But when I listened to this for the first time (and recognized Fadly's voice right away) I was touched by its carefully-stitched deep words that gives strength to a weeping soul. I can feel the power of these words since I've been there, too. This is a must-listen song, down to each words it contained.

Setiap perkataan yang menjatuhkan
Tak lagi kudengar dengan sungguh
Juga tutur kata yang mencela
Tak lagi kucerna dalam jiwa

Aku bukanlah seorang yang mengerti
Tentang kelihaian membaca hati
Ku hanya pemimpi kecil yang berangan
Tuk merubah nasibnya

Oh..bukankah ku pernah melihat bintang
Senyum menghiasi sang malam
Yang berkilau bagai permata
Menghibur yang lelah jiwanya, yang sedih hatinya
Yang lelah jiwanya, yang sedih hatinya

Kugerakkan langkah kaki
Dimana cinta akan bertumbuh
Kulayangkan jauh mata memandang
Tuk melanjutkan mimpi yang terputus

Masih kucoba mengejar rinduku
Meski peluh membasahi tanah
Lelah, penat tak menghalangiku
Menemukan bahagia

Oh..bukankah ku pernah melihat bintang
Senyum menghiasi sang malam
Yang berkilau bagai permata
Menghibur yang lelah jiwanya, yang sedih hatinya
Yang lelah jiwanya, yang sedih hatinya

Yang lelah jiwanya…

Oh..bukankah ku bisa melihat bintang
Senyum menghiasi sang malam
Yang berkilau bagai permata
Menghibur yang lelah jiwanya…

Bukankah hidup ada perhentian
Tak harus kencang terus berlari
Kuhelakan nafas panjang
Tuk siap berlari kembali…berlari kembali
Melangkahkan kaki…menuju cahaya

(Bagai bintang yang bersinar, menghibur yang lelah jiwanya
Bagai bintang yang berpijar, menghibur yang sedih hatinya)

I've been blue-gray (blue for sadness + gray for hesitation = anxiety) these last days because of the thing I was dealing with last week plus the comments I am receiving about my quite reckless decision. But this morning, I read in February 2009 edition (page 76) of Dewi magazine an article about romance agenda of Ayu Utami (Indonesian famous and award-winning writer of Saman, Larung and Bilangan Fu) and Erik Prasetya, the photographer who is also her lover.

The article shocked me about how similar I am thinking about the love relationship they're doing. They've been together for 9 years now without any bond which people call as 'marriage' since she thinks love isn't supposed to be something contract-like which someday she could ask for the responsibilities of it. To my surprise, I just found that Ayu as well is a Catholic, apart from her having liberal perspective on seeing life (plus the idea of recycling garbage she's carrying.) I instantly became her new fan this morning.

I just realized myself how weak I am on being in a relationship. Perhaps because I'm a Piscean which is slick and can not be grabbed too tight (or else I'd struggle my way out of it), I am not a relationshipy kind of person. Like the fish, I need my tank to be full of water, or perhaps, simply put me in the ocean so I can swim freely wherever I want. That's my life principal; to be free. Or if you'd ever want me in your tank, please give me bigger aquarium and fill it full so I won't feel bored.



I am disagree on what the elder said about 'In marriage, woman needs to be loved and man needs to be understood'. I say, it works both ways. I also need to be understood and love the man I'm being with to stay longer in a relationship (while most of girls out there seek more of a security [means money, power and lifestyle] in her new family-to-be.)

Because a marriage for me is way more than just 'living together (and make love) legally and having kids of our own'. It's more of understanding and being understood. It's about respecting and being respected. It's about giving trust and being trusted. It's about holding onto the commitment but also having freedom while doing it.

What do people seek in a marriage, may I now ask? I tried to dig it a little deeper from my surroundings and I came to some basic results: people need security; people wants to have kids; people are afraid to grow old and have no one beside them in the end. For the last reason, I am totally disagree. How'd you know if your own kids won't abandon you, too, when you're old and incapable and boring? How'd you know if they'd die sooner than you?

We don't know. There are no certain things in life. But I am certain of this one thing: God will always take good care on you, as well as He takes care on the flower in the field and the birds in the sky. So why won't He take care of us, since we're His most precious creatures ever? Why losing your faith in Him?

It's not that I don't believe the power of marriage. I do admire people who are brave enough to say the vow for a lifetime and I respect their decisions. I've also had my own dream of my wedding day, wedding gown and the honeymoon since I was a little. It's just that I don't think I'm capable enough to even imagine it, to be really in it. I am scared to hurt the people I love because of my free soul. I am anxious about me running away from the bond (it had already proven to be this last 3 years.)

Maybe someday, I'll walk the aisle and get into the holy gate of marriage as well. Or maybe I'll stay unmarried and live my life to the fullest, happy and blessed, losing nothing for a word needs too much sacrifice people don't usually realize--I dunno. But I am happy for who and where I am now I don't need people's comments on how I should be doing my life. This is me, as simple as it is. You don't have to understand me, just please respect me. Like the 'take it or leave it'. Just don't bother please.

I am refreshed this morning, by an article in a magazine I got for free from attending an exhibition opening...
[life's all about chain of reactions and everything happens for a reason; Bex had to exhibit there, and Dewi had to sponsor the program--and to think more further, they happened to interviewed Ayu for the article for this reason--and I had to go there to receive all the 'brightening' God had prepared for me.. so thanks to Bex to ever invite me then!]

... and for that, I say my grace today. Thank you, Lord!