I went to Senci with my latest ex, Mario, last night. We had a wonderful Vietnamese dinner at Pho' 2000 and hung out at Starbucks til 10 p.m. But stuff were getting more complicated and we were back arguing of our differences. Well, it was mostly came from me for I'm the one who make this problem. It's me who made it bigger than it is.

But he said it's been enough for him that he'd sacrificed all for me, now I had to choose between making up for good or not at all. So I chose the last option and there'll be no turning back; this is the final decision between us and I'm quite certain with it.

Well, I still love him, cuz he's somehow the most loving guy I've ever been with and he's the one who loves me the most, the greatest lover I've ever met. But just like Samantha Jones said in Sex and the City; 'I love me more.' As simple as that, and I know that I have to let go of him forever. Let the regret be with me if someday it'll show, but I need to live my life the way I want it to, not by what others said I have to. I need to enjoy every minute I'm breathing in cuz that's the only way I could feel peace. And life only happens once, there are no way turning back and I don't wanna regret anything anymore.


I feel so much better peace in mind and soul for I'm no longer under Mario's influence. I'm now being me; myself. I'm now concentrating on finding my true self for I've changed and been in demand of being someone who wasn't me since my adolescent years. I've been following wrong instructions of my false surroundings and now, it's just time to be me.

I've spent 16 bloody years in Bandung in the way my parents and my surroundings taught me to and I felt regrets, uselessness and uncountable misfit moments along every single minute in it. That, I promise myself, won't be happening again. Being here now in Jakarta is like 'coming home' to me. Dunno how many times I've said this before but that's what I feel after being a refugee in a place I disliked.

Now it's completely a new life. I've let go of everything I owned in Bandung, the memories and friends. I'm losing my girls who made me and helped me survived. I lost someone who loves me the most and it's just me in this whole big metropolitan city. But of course I'm allowing more to come for I've emptied a lot of spaces for new friends and experiences in Jakarta. And that's exactly what I got here, I'm filling the spaces for only things I want and like. I'm welcoming people that I love to be with and experiences I've never had before.

And God have been so kind to me lately. Ever since I arrived here, God had lead me the way. He always have someone helping me to cope and adapt in the new situations I have. He put me in my aunt's place in the first place so I could get used to the tough life in Jakarta and now that He moved me to the apartment, He prepared a friend to accompany me experiencing the bus transportation, to company me trying every possible transportation they have. Transjakarta busway, Metro Mini, Kopaja, bajaj, all of them... He don't let me be alone.


Life in my office, meanwhile, have been quite flared up with so many politics and problems but God had put me here in the safest position, the most strategic position in the whole organization. And I feel that I'm loved for I'm receiving so many treats, especially for the last month. People have been so nice to me, like two people who treated me on different meals and a guy [sorry, no names mentioned] who drove me home when I felt too tired to take a bus--all happened in only a day.

And when I felt sad or not in the mood just like today (due to last night's heavy quarrel and buckets of tears), there are always friends sent to me like Alex (who fetched me at the apartment tonight by Doni's black Jazz and brought me to PIM2 to watch Wanted with Isak and girlfriend, Joey and his friend Frank by 11.35 p.m. They even entertained me with jokes and funny nostalgic stories of their high school moments while we were waiting for the movie to play) or Joey (who accompanied me talking and blabbering over the phone up to 4 hours post-midnight...nice talking-chatting-blabbering-discussing things with you, Jo!)