I just got back from Jakarta--again, for the 4th time this month which completed my Jakarta trip every weekend for the month.
I met Army at Oh La La Dago (24/11) by 8.30 a.m. and visited Irma at her home first that morning before went to Jakarta. Then I, mum, Bent and Aunt Sisca went to Jakarta for Clemy’s 19th birthday.
We met Clemy and her new boyfriend Randy (who’s more famous with nickname Kuia) and had dinner together at Putri Bali restaurant at Puri then we delivered them home before we went to Gading to stay overnight there.

The next day began by 10 a.m. and we went to Gading Square to buy Clemy a bicycle then to Artha Gading Mall to have lunch with Aunt Agnes and kids. The kids, Raphael and Manuel, just accepted their krisma sacrament and we continued to chill at Kelapa Gading Mall 2-3. We had some Charmy snow ice portions and tried shoes at Sogo to kill time… and finally night came and Clemy came by Trans Jakarta bus with Kuia to Gading. So we had the birthday feast at Warung Seafood opposite Gading Square.

Bent and I drove Clemy and Kuia home, went back to Gading with Livia on the phone almost all the way home (then Deysi called for 1 minute after that) and suddenly the old ghost from the ‘quarter-life crisis’ case haunted me again.

And all the way to Bandung today, I kept on thinking about my life, the whole last month's experiences that I spent all weekends in Jakarta meeting new people and the weekdays in Bandung meeting old friends. And about the love I just threw out (I must be made of steel, 'The Weezer' really knows me). Then I thought about my future.

Jakarta is the town I really love, it’s where my whole family live, where I met great friends, where I think I can achieve more for my career. But it’s also a tough metropolitan city where I’d have to fight alone and start from zero cuz it’s extremely big (tho I’ve started my network a little there).
And I always love my hometown Bandung. My home is super cozy and welcoming, my friends are the closest there (name Livia, Irma, Ester, Alex and my schoolmates from elementary to high school) and the life is super-relax here. But there’d be no challenge for my career life.

I’ve got so many ways I have to choose in front of me and still I haven’t make any decision yet for the last 5 months (my study finished by July 17th) and I’m like walking on the same place; not producing anything beside my freelance job for Joyce Smith last September and my house renovation for the last month.



Livia called and told me about her make up with Ian (they broke up last Thursday and back together by Saturday) and their (her, Irma and Yanto) visit to Ester’s home to deliver the gift and see the baby. But I’m still bothered with Ester’s habit to ruin my thoughts so I think I’m not gonna visit them in short time. And it suddenly bothered me the fact that Livia got back together with Ian; tho I think they’re really perfect for each other.

I dunno what to think right now. I feel so lonely and I have no ambition to reach my future. I miss my Mario but I’m still afraid to call him; I’m scared that I would fall again with him cuz he’s so lovely and sweet and he feels so ‘mine’. He made me really think that he loves me and there’s no one before and after me; that he belongs to me; that we’re made for each other and bla bla bla. But in fact, I can’t live by his rules and neither can he by my rules. We are too dominant for each other and it’s not really healthy for our souls.

And I’m forbidden to contact Freddy and I have no future with Yodi and I still think that I’m not designed to be coupled so it’s like living the life that I want but not having people that I want… I’m not really sure what it’s like to live like this. I feel so empty but in the same time I feel so full of life. And I’ve treated my self not to be too spoiled with feelings and I’ve told my mind not to use my heart too often so it’s kind of living like a zombie cuz I can’t feel my heart now. I miss Mario, Freddy and Yodi now; I long for a figure whose loves me and is here for me. But I know it’s not right and I have to be independent, I shall not count on anyone in this world.

Btw Tessa put a comment on my friendster account and said she’s supporting me with my thoughts and to keep on living the life which made me comfort most. It’s really a nice relief to find someone who (at least) tries to understand me. She’s always on my side tho we have different perspective on life. It’s a really great feeling to have someone always on my back.

But for now, it’s pretty fun to ‘collect’ single friends around me such as Audry and Deysi cuz it really helps to find people who are in the same condition with me. It made me feel not so alone in this world… and it really made me stronger to have such people... And also Livia, Irma, Rachelle, SisQa and Syannie who are there when I need to blab and need someone to meet up with. Thanks for being here with me, girls! ^__^