Another Victoria's Secrets

This is our first vacation together out of town. More specifically, to the beach. We gathered at Boy's crib in the afternoon and departed to Batukaras by around 6 p.m. Ara was driving while I sat beside him at the passenger's seat. Boy and Asep sat at the backseats while Ano, Vanny, Maya and Winny were on the other car.

I came back to Bandung together with Mom last Friday night (due to the death of Tan Patsy's father) by around 12 a.m. and we went straight to her house to pay our last respect. We stayed there till around 2 a.m. and went home to have some rest.

1. I am going to build my own businesses
2. I want to accompany my mother at home
3. I need to clean up my face from polluted air
4. I want to continue my french course
5. I need to enhance my relationship with my bf

[still don't wanna admit that love and relationship is actually my numero uno concern. lol. but i love you babe, you know i do. that's why i'm posting it here.]

All my life I've been a nomad and went here and there for a short time (Dipta said I work for my self-existence only.) I've always wanted to leave Bandung ASAP and had prepared myself to go broader than just Jakarta but now I have to go back to Bandung...

Well I am just thinking how things go in circle. What comes around goes around. Like it or not, the path of your life will somehow go to the places you dislike the most. Not that I am anti-Bandung, but I've dreamt of bigger things than this.

What I'm worrying about is not the regretting stuff. I know that everything happens for a reason and there ain't no regret needed. What bothers me is the fear. I'm afraid that I'd miss Jakarta with all of its good and bad. I've adapted with its lifestyle especially for the last one and a half year and now I have to let it go.

I am afraid, because I've settled my lifestyle here. I had officially moved over from Bandung and left my life there. I've started a new life here. I've left my room unoccupied and the house never feels the same. I am afraid that I'd feel bored or lonely or miss Jakarta more than ever.

Actually I really hate living in two cities at one time but both cities have their own spots in my heart. Yet I need to fulfill my destiny; I need to go back to Bandung and start building my own business world. People have different purposes and I guess this is mine. Guess I need to put the fear behind and face the new beginning whatever it takes.

image was taken from multinet.no

It was said that MJ was preparing his huge comeback debut next July 13th, the Final Curtain Call. No wonder his departure shocked most of people, especially the ones who were expecting it. No one knows when you're gonna leave this world. And for me, MJ had once carved his name beautifully inside of people's heart. Despite his pedophilia issue later in 1990s, his pop career on the 1980s had been one that rocked the world.

I was wondering; how many people on this earth could have so many fans all around the world who'd mourn over their death? Not many, I know. But not everyone has to or can be like MJ. Each of us has our own purpose and destination in this life. We're all supposed to touch other's life with the capability God had given us (the talents stuff) and how people react to the end our lives here becomes the examination of our lives overall.

We all know how MJ ruined his career life by his sexual divergence and even weirder and weirder facial surgeries. But we can never forget how a talented 5 years old black kid singing I Want You Back with the Jackson Five. We saw how this kid grew up and became the king of pop. Admit it, tho you're not a fan, that he's the most phenomenal star in the 80s and early '90s. He's the only person in this world who was born black and died white. Like it or not, he was a super star.

I remembered the novel Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. She wrote on the book the experience of a little girl after her death and she saw from her heaven the people who had knew her while she was lived gathered in a field to give her their last respect. To see people gathered at Times Square for MJ, it made me think how our late superstar saw them from his heaven. I hope it can help him to have a peaceful rest, despite his death is due to murder.

I was thinking about another thing; how can I make my life as inspirational as MJ's. Tho I don't really expect to be as famous (or as rich) as he was, I want my life to be useful to my surroundings. I want to make myself as a help for those who need it. I hope, one day, when I die people will remember me as someone who had touched their lives, made them better or simply more colorful. I wish I could be a useful person in this world.

I am dealing with a lot of new things lately. Moving in to a new apartment, resigning from my new job, and this whole new relationship thing with Ara. Different from my recent relationships, this one involves a lot of love from my side. Not that I've never felt that kind of feeling before but this time the feeling has developed so huge I think I've never loved anyone this deep before.

I took an online quiz and it revealed that my most deadly sin is my pride. I was shocked a bit but yesterday I found that it's quite true. I hold my pride way too high, sometimes. And recently a colleague said that I do the job for my self existence only. These stuff prevent me to look jealous on people, cuz I keep it by myself. But last night, a lesson came to me.

Ara offered me to watch Transformers 2 this weekend and I agreed. But then his friends asked him and he had to accept that second offer. He had to say yes and I was left disappointed. I had a feeling from the start that the offer might not work as well as what it sounded somehow. But still I felt rage and so uneasy. I tried to examine the feeling and I found that it was jealousy.

I've felt this before and I usually tend to get 'revenge'. I tried to do that last night but Ara gave me a new perspective. We discussed this a bit and he explained some things about being mature and not getting revenge of things I can not accept. God taught me to accept things I can not change but I have failed that, especially on my last relationship. It was full of vengeance from my side.

But this time I think it really gets me. I don't want him to do stuff that might disappoint me so I have to keep myself from doing something that might hurt him, either. All these years I've been thinking about getting revenge (or in my word: get equal) when things don't work according to the plan. Now, I need to act mature.

I have to fight my pride and allow my mouth to say my feelings out loud, so my partner would know what happens inside of my heart because it doesn't have an LED display telling people what's inside it. I need to practice myself to keep the pride away in case to keep the relationship going great. For the first time in my life, I admitted that I was disappointed and jealous. I was jealous with his friends sharing the fun with him. I wanted it to be me, the only person he shares the joy with. And I've admitted it, against all odds.

So, Ara is the first person who successfully dug my feeling out from the deepest. He taught me to show the love to the public, made me understand that there's nothing wrong for me to be in love and show it to the world; that it's okay for me to plan the future ahead and let people know about it. He can always make me smile, and even in the heaviest rain, to feel the warm. He also brings out the feminine side of me, all the best of me. And that's why I love him <3

Thank You, Lord, for ever sending him to me :)

I am such an indecisive person. It is true. For the last two days I was hesitated of choosing which way I will spend my upcoming weekend.

My journalist team in office is planning a fun outdoor activity from a month ago, going to raft in Cicatih, Sukabumi for a full one day. I was so excited and was looking forward to join the leisure. It will also be some kind of farewell party with the colleagues since I am leaving them soon.

But I just remembered that my brother's birthday is exactly the same day as the rafting day. He's gonna have the celebration in Bandung so I gotta choose one; rafting or family--Cicatih or Bandung.

As usual, I'm confused. I asked people their opinion on this, what if they were in my position. But still I can not decide. I need a holiday after the hectic work days but family is still as important to me. I want some adrenaline rush and adventure but the money can be used for something more worth it (considering that I'm resigning soon and will have no fix incoming for some time.)

So, after days of hesitating I've finally decided. I'm choosing my brother over the fun. Mom told me to listen to my heart but I couldn't. Everytime I decide, a con-opinion appeared. At last I tried to make lists of comparison. I put money and family-quality time above the fun with colleagues, which I could do in some other time. Plus that I've been rafting before and it won't lose me anything in the world.

The same thing when I decided to resign (again..) My consideration was about my pride and about letting the team down. But I am able to be selfish here. If something bad happen they don't really care about me, either. My burden is only mine. My tiresome is my own business.

But with family, they care. They take care of me and they fill the empty spaces in my heart with their warmest laughters. And my lovely Ara will be there for me, too, (though he'll always be around) but I think they're more important to me.

Yes, my brother is having birthday each hear but he doesn't turn 24 every year. This is a special once-in-a-lifetime stuff and I wanna be there to share the joy and to support. So, yeah I made the decision done. I'm going home for this weekend.