I am dealing with a lot of new things lately. Moving in to a new apartment, resigning from my new job, and this whole new relationship thing with Ara. Different from my recent relationships, this one involves a lot of love from my side. Not that I've never felt that kind of feeling before but this time the feeling has developed so huge I think I've never loved anyone this deep before.

I took an online quiz and it revealed that my most deadly sin is my pride. I was shocked a bit but yesterday I found that it's quite true. I hold my pride way too high, sometimes. And recently a colleague said that I do the job for my self existence only. These stuff prevent me to look jealous on people, cuz I keep it by myself. But last night, a lesson came to me.

Ara offered me to watch Transformers 2 this weekend and I agreed. But then his friends asked him and he had to accept that second offer. He had to say yes and I was left disappointed. I had a feeling from the start that the offer might not work as well as what it sounded somehow. But still I felt rage and so uneasy. I tried to examine the feeling and I found that it was jealousy.

I've felt this before and I usually tend to get 'revenge'. I tried to do that last night but Ara gave me a new perspective. We discussed this a bit and he explained some things about being mature and not getting revenge of things I can not accept. God taught me to accept things I can not change but I have failed that, especially on my last relationship. It was full of vengeance from my side.

But this time I think it really gets me. I don't want him to do stuff that might disappoint me so I have to keep myself from doing something that might hurt him, either. All these years I've been thinking about getting revenge (or in my word: get equal) when things don't work according to the plan. Now, I need to act mature.

I have to fight my pride and allow my mouth to say my feelings out loud, so my partner would know what happens inside of my heart because it doesn't have an LED display telling people what's inside it. I need to practice myself to keep the pride away in case to keep the relationship going great. For the first time in my life, I admitted that I was disappointed and jealous. I was jealous with his friends sharing the fun with him. I wanted it to be me, the only person he shares the joy with. And I've admitted it, against all odds.

So, Ara is the first person who successfully dug my feeling out from the deepest. He taught me to show the love to the public, made me understand that there's nothing wrong for me to be in love and show it to the world; that it's okay for me to plan the future ahead and let people know about it. He can always make me smile, and even in the heaviest rain, to feel the warm. He also brings out the feminine side of me, all the best of me. And that's why I love him <3

Thank You, Lord, for ever sending him to me :)