Another Victoria's Secrets

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It is perfectly human to fear things. Each one of us must have that one thing we fear the most. One may fear the clown, another the dark or the height. Well I've always consider myself as a fearless person. But to me, my one biggest fear is to have children. This has been my fear since I was in junior high school, as I can recall. But this morning a stranger's message on my Facebook page asked me if I have this gamophobia.

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Maybe not precisely a gamophobia, because marriage had been one of my biggest dreams ever since I've watched Disney princesses movies. Unlike the usual symptoms, I don't really fear the commitment out of trauma or insecurity. It is the responsibility that comes with it that scares the hell out of me. And the thought of being a "mother". As the stranger described on his message: I fear it because of my perfection on the concept of life. In my mind, children is never part of my concept of a perfect life.

He also said that this symptom is common to be found on genius people, those with high IQ. Well I never assume myself as a genius, especially because I am not. I am just overly analytical, over thinking and over feeling about things. And now it all gets to me as if I need to resolve this glitch in order to get to that level of perfection.

Meanwhile I see my Gemini friends, the people known to fear commitment the most, are getting married. Two of them this month, and another next month. Those are the closest Gemini friends that I know: the people who seem to never gonna get laid because they are scared to lose their freedom. But they are taking the chances and they are making the commitment. They tie the knot.

via ayakbilegiprotezi

Last week I met yet another person who told me this: "fear not." Isn't the Bible also say this for 365 times? Whatever is it to fear in a commitment (marriage) anyway? It really is a part of life and there is nothing to be feared about. Or to be more precise: "think not!" People had been telling me this, but my mind still cannot accept it. Or perhaps, in my defense, "I just haven't met the one."

Well I never thought that this is a phobia that I must deal with. But I guess one way or another, sooner or later, I need to get over this fear by jumping into it and just do it (the marriage, not the children thing, I mean). Perhaps so. Or maybe it'll come in a package. Well, let's just see shall we..

I've been watching some of Marvel's newest series for the past months and something clicked me last night. The Inhumans I watched earlier didn't really taught me of anything but I could see the resemblance with Indonesian myths of the god and goddess of Moon: Batari Ratih and Batara Kamajaya. As a couple, they are known as god and goddess of love, ruler of the Kahyangan Cakra Kembang with the gate located on the Moon or what is called Chandra in Sanskrit.

What kinda hit me was that Blackagar Boltagon, being the king of the Moon, could not speak for his voice alone can destroy everything in front of him. His wife / interpreter Medusalith Amaquelin is the one who is more vocal, more known to people--as also the character of Batari Ratih. Perhaps that's why Batara Kamajaya is almost never surfaced, rarely mentioned, and unknown to many.

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Last night I finished another season of series: Cloak and Dagger. Now speaking of the mortals (unlike the super-humans in Inhumans), I can relate more to the character of Tandy Bowen or known as Dagger. She had her 'life' taken away from her when she was 10 and she has been living life in bitter ever since. She's quite lucky to be born white and has pretty face so people would have a nice first impression on her--and she is making the most out of it. But later at night when she's alone, she is tired with life. I guess therefore she was given to see hopes to keep her going.

On the contrary, Tyrone Johnson or Cloak had everything gotten better in his life since the accident when he was 8. He has been trying his best to fulfil people's expectation of him, especially for being black in an exclusive private school. But despite all that he is brave. He dares to face his problems instead of running away like what Tandy usually does. Sometimes he second-guess himself, sometimes he's looking at the wrong direction. But he is brave, thus he was given to see other people's fears so he can be even braver than before.

The pair characters are completely opposite. What Tandy sees and fears aren't visible for Tyrone and it's the other way around. Their skins and family background; the way they see things, think, act; and even the gifts they are given... everything are just totally different. But that's why they are compatible, for being the exact opposite of each other. And that's why they need each other.

via CBR

I started another series too, Jessica Jones. It's an oldie (2015) but I never watched it before. She is another Marvel's superhero who is retired from her days of being cheerfully helping people under the identity of Jewel, and lives her life now just to get paid to buy more whiskey; to survive just another day. The series highlighted her adult life after the traumatic phase where she was made to do unimaginably horrible things by Killgrave and thus her second revival began.

These movies about superheroes made me realized one thing: these super people are actually mere humans. They may have something greater than most of people, something the creators exaggerate and call as superpower, but they all have emotions, flaws, and traumas. They were damaged, but one thing that made them superheroes is that they don't give up. They still fight to do something, if not for others then for themselves first. They believe in the greater good, and they also believe in a better tomorrow. And they fight for it despite the bitter life they have to live with.

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Cloak and Dagger especially shows me (one of) the struggle(s) superheroes had to face: their own fears and weaknesses. They are forced to push their limits and to choose between giving up or fighting back. In one of the scenes our heroes talk about why they are not given what they want but instead something they didn't think they needed, because they are ought to thrive, not to just stay in the comfort zone with their limited knowledge. They need to change the direction and push their boundaries instead:

Tyrone: "If I had a knife, Detective Connors would be dead and buried."
Tandy: "If I could travel anywhere, I'd travel anywhere but here."
Tyrone: "Maybe that's why we got what we got."
Tandy: "Or we didn't get what we didn't get."

via nerdist

I ain't saying that I'm (trying to be) a hero whatsoever. I just learned a lot from their stories. And it kinda related with what just happened here. Last weekend an old friend came to visit after we'd lost contact for five years (and another five before.) He was someone I hung out with 12 years ago. We first met each other like 14-15 years back. But since the first meeting we already knew that we weren't in each other's plans. We don't belong in each other's life. But somehow we are kept in each other's hearts. And our meeting last weekend proved all that.
At one point a question occurred to me; the what ifs--which led to dozens of alternate endings I could picture in my head. All of these years, and the feelings remained. But we were young and I didn't dare to take the leap. I was the one who chickened out and ran away. I was the one who was hiding in the dark, just like the teenager Tandy Bowen did. I was faced an option but I chose the other way which led me to the life I'm in today.

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He showed me pics of his three children, and how well his life is now. I truly feel happy for him and proud of how great a father he has become, but I also know it's that one thing that keeps me away from people most of the time, including him. He loves kids and wants family. I don't. I must admit that sometimes it troubles me to see how different I have been from most of my childhood friends. All of the achievements and families; and how far I am from all that. It reminds me of one of Paulo Coelho's book title: The Winner Stands Alone.

But then again it's all about the choice and consequences. Perhaps once upon a time in some incarnations ago we were couple. Perhaps in one of the multiverses he was mine and we could be together. But this is not DC Comics so it ain't happening. And in this lifetime and universe I'm given and/or choosing the other way. So I gotta let go of it--all the what ifs and if onlys--and just do my own thing. Focus on what I have instead of what's not in my path to have.

via brainyquotes

And now that I've chosen mine I must also deal with the aftermaths. I must endure all the pains and the couldn't haves. In Cloak & Dagger series, Season 1 Episode 9 "Back Breaker", where Father Delgado described in class what makes a hero. Every hero goes through the same path: they answered the call, met the mentor, and battle the Threshold Guardians. Then Delgado said: "... something knocks them down, hard. The hero regresses, they lose everything. Became less than they were when we met them. Because well, if a hero wants to be an actual hero, he has to be born again. From nothing."

So it's normal to have ups and downs. It's human to go through a regression. We are human. But we don't play the victim. We are not one and it's our call to decide what's allowed to happen in our lives and what's not. We choose to stand up and be the hero we need because nobody is doing it for us. We must become our own saviour first, then help the others if we can. Because this world need heroes. And we are all super humans inside, if only we recognize our strengths and talents, overcome our fears, and train to be better to win the battle.

Geez, it's been more than two months already since my last post and I've been really busy (as you can see how long I've been absent posting on Instagram too.) The last month had been the busiest for me, as we decided to move out from the house. For the whole two weeks we were lent a non-power steering pick-up truck, I've been driving it manually, delivering stuff from the old house to a new one, and here we are now, settled in the new home already.

I'm not gonna tell you where the new house is, but it's still in BSD City. And further away from the toll way entrance/exit, further from the Rawa Buntu Train Station, which made me much more lazy to go on a road trip to Jakarta unless necessary. This was all differed from my idea of living in the town--instead we're going further away in the centre of a suburb. So yeah, excuse me if I'm not going to Jakarta as often now--it's too far, pricey and tiring for me. #findingexcuses

So, I'm gonna give a little tour on the new home, but only on the first storey. Some of the stuff had been with me since our old house in Awiligar, Bandung, which makes it feels like home tho we've been moving twice ever since (and three-four more times for me, since I had been in Bali.)








And here's a glimpse of my room, which happens to be on the ground floor too, and is bigger than my previous one. Some stuff are brought from Bandung and Bali, which makes the room so "me", but just a little tidier and simpler, don't you think?

and, this is a bonus to have this baby playing in my room! <3 br="">

and I got to decorate this shower with my hue and I'm lovin' that vanity mirror <3 td="">

119/120 m2 house; 2+1 Bedrooms, 2 Showers, Kitchen Set, 3 ACs, 2 ceiling fans, strategic location near train station

One of the things that helped me understand life is a lesson that came from a dear friend in Bali. In the midst of my confusion of the track that had strayed away from my idealism, he told me that life is nothing more than a series of role that we have to play on for and with other people. Just like the late Nike Ardilla's epic Indonesian song (written by Ian Antono in 1997): dunia ini panggung sandiwara (this world is a theatre)!

(Kalau ga ngerti, baca Bahasa Indonesia-nya di sini ya..)

I pondered on this for a long time, and found peace in the contemplation. We all get through episodes in life that are basically the same: a baby who doesn't know and cannot do anything; a child who starts to learn; a teenager who learns more; a mature person who knows much and is independent; a parent who shares and teaches his/her child/student/other people; then an elderly who, again, depends on others before finally leaves this world.

But in between those phases of life, there are many other roles that are smaller and more detailed, that if we track it deeper will only divided into two basic roles: as a giver or receiver. Sometimes we are the 'victim', who seems to be the toll of a condition or event, but sometimes we have to be 'the bad guy' who seems cruel/mean due to our role to give the lesson to others (and to ourselves as well.)

via Variety

All these are not more than role playing, but let's put aside now those people 'who are evil' or who do crime in bigger and graver scale and really costs that much; because even they are playing a role in this world. You can see it from the changed Hollywood style, that don't longer presenting an antagonist just like an evil who appeared from out of nowhere, but now they show us the past and the human side of them (like the movie Maleficent, for example.) So it's not our job to judge here: there will always be a reason behind one's decision and action if we care enough to look broader and deeper, if we mean to cure and fix them from the root.

Back to the role of life, if we can really understand this, will be much easier for us to understand life itself. Why sometimes we are the victim of infidelity, but sometimes we become that third party in a relationship. Supposedly they said that life is basically like a wheel that is continuing to turn; sometimes we're above and sometimes below.

But if you take notice deeper, what is really going on is that when we're above it's time for us to give more, and when we're below it's time to learn that we don't always possess the power or freedom to take action in life, learn to be grateful for our limits and to surrender, learn to be humble to receive God's blessings through the kindness from the others, and learn toughness and persistence to get back 'up'.

Maybe not many of you have realized this, but can you feel the difference once you understand these 'roles'? Good people don't always do good things. Sometimes we have to be tough and firm to our children to teach discipline, but also show them love so they appreciate life more. Sometimes we have to be the one who brings the bad news, to make a seemingly unfair decision for the continuity of something bigger, and so on (but remember to always do it based on faith, hope, and love just like we already discussed in this post!)

via komsas

Whatever the role that we are doing and experiencing in life, let us always remember of the opposite possibility, to be in the shoes of the person who is our opponent role, and to base all of our mind, words and action on love. Be introspective, cuz it's important. Eling, as Punakawan would always advice the Pandawa knights. So don't forget to always reflect on yourself, OK!

God bless. Namaste. Rahayu.

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via Pinterest

Once, there was a guy I knew who liked to use this term a lot, a Javanese word means "I told you!", and this term always reminds me of him. I once read an article in a magazine saying 'Never use this term in any relationship if you want to keep the relationship healthy' but there he went, saying kandani almost all the time. Which made me thinking, how could this short, simple term causes deep impact on people?

The answer came in years of process. A 'kandani' or 'tuh kan' (in Indonesian) or 'told you so' is usually spoken as a spontaneous reaction toward something that happened that is already predicted by one. When this prediction comes true, there is a natural urge from one person to claim of his/her prediction/product of thinking; that they knew this was coming; that they were right.

But then again, we are reminded that each people has their own time; their own path; their own journey. The beauty of Javanese wisdom is that it is so spiritual it is a whole different experience to everyone. There is no certain rule that everybody should graduate at 22, get married at 25, have kids at 27, becomes a manager at 35, and die at 70. No. People have this free will to choose their own ways. And even when they can choose, there is still another factor, like God's will, to 'permit' things to happen to people.

I often hear that word 'tuh kan' being said a lot in my own surroundings, which is such a bossy attitude, actually. It's like we don't allow mistakes to happen; that other should do things the way we want and not letting them to learn the process by their own way. I really think this attitude keeps other people from developing and growing in their own terms. So now I see, how toxic this term 'kandani' can be to ruin a relationship.

It's like we're not patient enough to be a parent toward our children, to be a child to our parent(s), to be a boss (not a leader) toward our subordinate, to be a friend, to be a partner, to be a spouse. It's like we're not allowing them to thrive by controlling each and every single thing of their action. And it shows how arrogant we are, thinking we know everything there is to know in the world.

But what if everything that we know is only 4-10% of the whole secrets in this Universe? Who are we to tell other people what to do? Yes, we are obliged to teach and show, to right the wrongs, to nurture when needed. But how the things are processed in other's mind/heart/life is none of our business.

So how if we do a little practice now, to reduce the use of 'told ya' that one day that term can really disappear from our lives forever? What if we give a chance for other people to learn things their own way, that it may be different from what we had, but in the end we're all learning the same things. What if we give a space for God to work on us as He does to other people in the way that is more fitting for them?

If we can predict something and it is important to tell or warn the others, do it. But what the other person decides to do about it is not our business. It's not for us to control, and it's called to take things easy, to go with the flow, to give in to God's will, or in another word: to have faith. Faith in people and faith in God's plan.

So after years of friendship and lots of plan to collaborate, my friend Ana and I finally got the vibe and started a new collaboration blog 'Sunset Walks And Midnight Ramblings'. The blog is inspired by our years in Bali, our friendship, and all the stuff that happened along the way. I take care of the text while Ana is drawing the doodles. I guess we team up pretty good. Come visit and take a peek of our fun days. It's free!

Last Saturday, I went with Mom, my best friend Ana, and her niece Ceska. We parked in the all-new parking Senayan lot and got a free shuttle-ride to the Jakarta Convention Center (JCC) building. It was my first time visit to the complex again since Bon Jovi's tour in 2015. The sporting area has got a huge renovation for next August's Asian Games 2018 preparation and I was happy to see the improvement everywhere in the block.

the theme this year is Batak's Gorga

So we arrived at around 5 p.m. and filled in some forms to get our pass. A group of band performed to welcome us at the entrance, and as we walk in we get to see pottery and puppetry on the left side. I was amazed to see how beautiful they make exhibition displays of Indonesia's handwoven from different provinces on the right side. I love just how they show Indonesia's rich culture as an introduction at this lobby.

a little introduction to Indonesia's handicrafts

Indonesian pottery

This was the second year for PT. Telkom to exhibit this Telkom Craft Indonesia, which displays 200 of selected small businesses (UKM) from over 130,000 businesses they (and other State-owned Enterprises) have coached in 514 regencies in Indonesia. The selection is done in tight curation by the director's wife so they have to compete in quality to get into this event. It is similar to Ina Craft or BeKraf Festival, only the brands are limited.

the handwoven textiles from Sumatra has gold or silver threads

Tenun, Indonesian handwoven textiles

So all of the booths here are prepared only for the coached businesses, as part of the company's social responsibility program (CSR). Their products are sold on blanja.com, and the payments are made with T-Cash. I think it's just so cool that a company can do such CSR like this, to help small businesses to improve, grow, and expand their wings. And I just love to see how well they (well, most of them) designed their packaging. Totally dope!

Wayang Golek or Indonesian 3D/doll puppet

Lady Ong Tin and Betawi dancer

the lobby entrance

Entering the Hall A, there were at least 80 booths of handcrafts and fashion from all over the country. It took us at least an hour to stroll through that hall but at 6 p.m. we got hungry so we proceed to the food court. Meanwhile, we had Once Mekel sing in the background, but we didn't have time to see his performance. Still, I love his voice and the songs.

Look at those handicrafts!

After dinner, we continued to stroll around in Hall B and found even more gorgeous stuff there. I got a black/grey canvas two-way tote/messenger bag from Toean Batik. I don't really like the strap handle, but I can always modify it. Let's see what I'm gonna do with it. And my mom got this super awesome handwoven textile from Soe Village, Timor, NTT, which I adore and is now hanging on the wall of our living room.

beautiful handwoven textile from Soe, NTT - I'm in love!

two-way tote/messenger bag - isn't it cool?

I always love canvas bags, and I know you can tell!

The expo closed at 9 p.m. but we haven't really seen them all. We had to hurry on our way back, but still missed some booths that were closing. It was a tiring, cold night for all of us so we had a stop at McD in Taman Alfa Indah, and had some meal there. I dunno why fast food is always soothing for late night supper. LOL. It was almost midnight when we got home.

on shuttle bus

late night supper with Happy Meal

On the next day my Mom wasn't satisfied with our incomplete visit to the expo, so we did it again on Sunday. But it was just the two of us this time. We arrived at 5 p.m. and it was raining. There was a soccer game in the stadium so the parking lot was full. There wasn't any shuttle bus around, so we had to walk about 200-300 metres to get to the building. And we had to hire an umbrella 'ojek'. What a mess!

me on the expo's last day

But once we're inside, we forgot about all of our suffering out there. We made another stroll around, but this time with different route. Alas, the booths were closing at 7 p.m. so we had very limited time that day. However, I brought home with me a pair of silver lace mules and a blue 'jumputan' angkin (girdle) to wear a kebaya with. I'm ecstatic--and can't wait for next year's expo!

pretty silver lace mules from Aldorra - oh so adorable!

adorable two-sided batik angkin from WDrupadi - love that blue!

P.S. To see what they sold in the expo and more of it, click here. And if you wanna read our collaboration blog, see here.