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| via benebellwen blog |
How wrong can one be to be read with Tarot cards? I know most religions forbid anything doing with foreseeing but I've been familiar with sixth sense people around me since I was a kid so I can't see Tarot reading as a sin. And as a Pisces, I have huge curiosity for such magick. But what makes Tarot reading so fearful to some (or most) people?
I guess the answer comes to: it might shock people out to death of something that isn't even true (because Tarot is built by the things around us--including our own thoughts and fears). I experienced it myself last week. Of all the Tarot readings and foreseeing stuff I've had, the one I had that night turned out to be the worst of all. I didn't plan to be read though, but I came anyway to Ingka Restaurant, where my friends came to be read. I got carried away listening to them reporting and discussing results, and so I thought, why not?
I just needed a few first minutes on my session to get perplexed. I didn't expect my reading would be that horrible though. Everything that I've feared in life was there on the cards and she (the Tarot reader) read it to me: I'd have a baby. For a moment I was stunned, as millions of my thoughts came swirling on my head and she said she could feel the battle inside me--it drained her energy as well.
As many people already know now, I don't want to have kids. Don't get me wrong; it's not that I hate them--I simply don't want to have my own: to carry them for 9 months, to give birth, to have to care and nurture them--and to have the responsibility, the unbreakable bond, the emotions and all those stuff till the end of my life. Meanwhile we can always divorce, parent-child bond is for ever. It sounds so scary to me. And I don't even have a yearning to hold a baby in my arms every time I watch movies about babies or bump into friends who have one.
I called my Mom to ask for some comfort. She knows better about these stuff anyway--and she knows best her daughter. My Mom asked me lightly: what's so scary about having kids? I really dunno which one is the scariest--but everything about it is scary for me. I've been carrying this idea for almost my whole life now. Not only that I fear that (1) my body would change with the pregnancy, (2) the pain of labor, (3) the first few years of sleepless nights and restless days, (4) the responsibility for nurturing and educating them right.. and mostly, (5) to have that new status as a mother (that eternal bond between mother and child is just unbearable for me).
While it's every other women's dream, it doesn't work that way for me. I guess I found the answer just few years back, as someone told me that I was male in my past incarnations. Perhaps that's why giving birth sounds so scary to me. I know by then, God must have something in mind for making me born female in this life. It could be something to do with being a mother, but I guess not. The idea is still awfully scary for me. You must think that I'm exaggerating stuff here, but each person has their own demons. This one's my demon.
As years went by I tried to calm it. I tried to ignore it and shove it under the bed. But the monster would get out sooner or later and we're left with no choice but to fight it. One just have to make peace with it for them be free from the haunting feeling. I guess this is the time for me to conquer it. Perhaps I've been denying it (the motherhood) all my life. I also know that the more I fear it, the more it would likely to come true. It really is a mind game, I thought. I slept that night trying to calm my nerves, thinking that I could somehow try to surrender.
But the horror continued the next day. Earlier that morning I woke up horrified, although I didn't dream of anything scary. I felt that morning that I didn't recognize myself--or at least the future life that the Tarot reader told me of. I felt so strange, so distant, so foreign. I went back to sleep out of exhaustion, and when I woke up again I almost scream. The dream wasn't even an awful one--it was just a casual walk along Denpasar roads. But I felt terrified nonetheless.
I directly called my Mom again, sobbing hard and shaking, reporting to her my fear. This time, she took my agony seriously. I guess this was the first time that she thinks my fear of having child is real. After a while she told me: "God will never give child to those who cannot bear it. You will not have a child, my daughter." I was suddenly calmed. But apparently my mind was not.
Later that day I went to see a friend who has this sixth sense kind of thing. I've known him for four years now and trust him enough for spiritual things. He explained to me, which brought huge relief to me: that my soul was rebelling to the words of what that Tarot reader told me. My soul was protesting to the things that aren't "me". And of my fear he said: my soul is refusing to be reborn and feels an agony of being reborn. I did feel this when I was a child: I saw and feel enough to think that there is no way that I would ever want to repeat any childhood and adolescence phases again. Not as myself, not as a parent. I don't have sixth sense whatsoever but being a sensitive Pisces I know exactly when I don't want certain things in my life, even when I don't know why.
And he repeated the words my mother said that morning: God will not give me a child if I don't want it. It took me a long moment to trust him this time, suspicious that it was just the words he said to comfort me; but then again his words was similar to my Mom's. I chose to believe it; no longer as denial but as my soul's true calling. This time, I know exactly the reasons I don't want children is not as shallow/simply as refusing the idea of being a mother but it's a thing that's been inside of me my whole life--probably my true calling (but I keep most of the details of this for myself) and gradually I could feel peace entering myself once again. I guess it's the best feeling to have; to completely understand the reasons of why we are being us. Well you might not understand my thoughts for this particular case tho.
At this point it came to me that it's not that I'm so afraid of being given a child. I guess if I really had to, I'd be a wonderful parent and nurture my child the best way possible. I know, the pain of pregnancy lasts only 9 months and the nurturing part will be hardest for the first ten years. But it's not being afraid of becoming a parent. I simply don't want to. Every single cell of me refuses the idea, not because of the responsibility that comes with it, but the idea of repeating life again that is unbearable to me. It is the idea of another reincarnation that I can't take. For a person who feels it all, it's just too much for me to endure. My friend says there's only one in a million person could feel/think the way I do. I watch millions of movies about babies and new families and enjoyed all of it. I just never see or feel myself as the parent in that movie (perhaps I was more likely the director or script writer). I never long to have a child.
Meanwhile the explanation of why the Tarot reader told me stuff (now that I replayed the scene in my head, a bit slower and detailed this time), was because one of the cards I picked contained a picture of a pregnant woman (which could have both literal and metaphoric meanings--and the question to this card was "would there be another guy in the future for me?") Two cards later, I casually asked for children in my future and she pointed the already-opened-card with pregnant woman instead of asking me to open another card. "Obviously," she said. My mind instantly connected all the dots and combined them with all of my lifetime experiences, memories, and fears, along with my recent thoughts--the result was quite horrible for my own imagination. I guess this is why some religions strictly ban Tarot readings (read here for what to expect from Tarot readings).
For some time I thought it was such a bad idea for me to have the Tarot reading that night--but then again it resulted a bigger answer of which I haven't been searching for but have been inside of me for a long time (just like Tarot, life . Maybe that Tarot cards played the role as a way for me to acknowledge myself and my soul better. But if you don't have people to ask for second, third, fourth opinions: don't even try to have any Tarot reading session!
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