Another Victoria's Secrets

via iheartintelligence

I first found out the word "narcissist" just shortly before the the expression got its fame by all the selfie and social media stuff. But it referred to Narcissus, a person from Greek mythology who loved so much looking at his own reflection on the water by the river. I didn't realized then that narcissism is a personality disorder (read here), having its opposite: an empath.

So a narcissist is basically a person who has an excessive interest of themselves. An empath, on the other hand, is someone who is highly aware of the emotions of those around them, to the point of feeling those emotions themselves. An empath is a giver, a healer; and that's what a narcissist seek for. Not to be healed, but to consume the goodness out of an empath so they would feel good about themselves. The narcissist feeds on the attention given freely and abundantly by an empath.

Lately I've been learning not to put any label to myself, in order to learn to be a better person who is free from any label. But the one last thing here I wanna share before I completely turn off any labeling from my life: is the love/hate relationship between an empath and a narcissist (read the 22 stages of the relationship here).

I dated a narcissist once (realized that he was a narcissist only by the end of our dating period but I didn't even know the term 'narcissist' by then) so I've learned to avoid the kind when it comes to finding a boyfriend. But what I didn't know exist is a narcissist friend. I think this kind is more subtle, yet is so dangerous that we won't realize it until we're drained out for keeping the other person's glass full.

via facebook

I think it's important for us to first acknowledge what is a narcissist and how to recognize them. This may be hard at first because usually they give a very good first impression upon people. The only way to know it at first meeting is by the sense. If you sense any form of oddity, or any discomfort about this person, then stay away. You don't have to be friends just because they look nice or cool. Trust your gut.

But most of us don't have this alarm goes well. We tend to dismiss any ill-feeling about a person and try to look at the good side instead. Which is good. But not for the case with a narcissist. So here's how to detect narcissism in a person:

1. Superiority and entitlement
2. Exaggerated need for attention and validation
3. A grandiose sense of self-importance / personality
4. Perfectionism
5. Great need for control
6. Lack of responsibility; blaming and deflecting
7. Lack of boundaries / boundary violator
8. Lack of empathy
9. Emotional reasoning
10. Splitting (between the goods and bads, or dualism)
11. Fear
12. Anxiety
13. Shame
14. An inability to be truly vulnerable
15. An inability to communicate or work as part of a team (check here for no. 15-23)
16. A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
17. A belief that he/she is special and unique and can only be understood by (or should associate with) similar high-status people and organizations
18. A need for excessive admiration
19. A sense of entitlement or unreasonable expectation of special treatment or extreme loyalty
20. A tendency to use others for their own needs or wants
21. An unwillingness/inability to recognize and honor the needs and feelings of others
22. Proneness to envy or having a belief that they are envied by others
23. A sense of arrogance shown in behaviors and/or attitudes
24. Conversation hoarder (check here for no. 24-29)
25. Conversation interrupter
26. Rule breaker
27. Charmer  
28. False image projection
29. Negative emotion
30. An inability to be alone / by themselves; they always need others around; would act like a helpless person / damsel in distress to make people feel they need to help them (the last point here is based on my own experience)

via liveboldandbloom

They said, "Empath and narcissist are two sides of the same coin. One side demonized, the other idealized." I think this is true. We got attracted to one another because of the similarities we share: taste, interests, hobby, thoughts, and so on. Because of these mutual things, an empath would love to be friends with (or date) the narcissist, thinking that "We are so alike but he/she hasn't get there yet, but of course I can help him/her out with that. Piece of cake."

Well, nope. No, no, no. Wrong. It's in fact the opening door to a series of mental abuse that an empath would have to undergo by the narcissist. There are three ways a narcissist could destroy an empath:

1. Manipulation - to control the situation and get what they want by making the empath think they want to give it to the narcissist.
2. Guards are down - even that an empath already has his/her guard low, a narcissist would use the opportunity to gain as much as they can to get what they want.
3. Battle of ego - narcissism is really a product of ego, and an empath basically are not an egotistical person.

via Pinterest

 
Over time, a narcissist would make an empath "doubt themselves based on the manipulation of the narcissist, and they begin to feel like a victim. The victim mentality is also a product of the ego, so over time, the empath's feelings about themselves change. It's a fundamental shift in ego that can lead to depression."

I froze upon reading this, because last year I had a family problem that made me come to one friend whom I consider best friend for years, and her solution / advice truly made me feel and think like I was the victim. She made me change the way I think about my family and demanded attention from them; something that I usually give but this time I asked for a return. At one point, it became so chaotic in my family and that made me depressed. I went to a shrink, I sought for spiritual help, and ever since I got back up again and stood by myself now, I tried my best to avoid that friend who made me fall in the first place.

via thehorsewoman

But surely enough a narcissist won't let his/her easy target go just like that. She came back to me, with all-new personality and a whole new spirituality level, ensured me that she had changed to meet my new standards... and only for her to take the new life I had rebuilt from scratch, like a child taking another child's toy just because she wanted it and because she couldn't make (or afford) one herself. And from there, I looked at the list above about the traits of a narcissist and checked most of them on her.

Some people said I was a stupid for having her back for so many times, again and again, disappointments after disappointments, mistreatment after mistreatment, for the past six years. But in my defense I couldn't do anything about it. First of all, I consider myself an empath, whose weakness is to say no to people. And second of all, I needed to experience all that in order to learn. Yes, I couldn't do anything about it then, but now that I've learned, I could.


"A narcissist's worst nightmare is an educated empath" -Unknown
(via conservativememes / asscgroup)


I think an education about narcissists (or that we call as energy vampires) is one of the best things to learn for an empath. This article taught us how to deal with a narcissist, but in my case, to break up with a friend that I knew for more than 15 years now, is not an easy thing. Especially when she's currently dating my friend and coming to the same community that I go to (yeah, stupid me I introduced my new hobby/friends to her only for her to take it to be hers)

via Dr. Margaret Rutherford

But another friend ensured me that even though she thinks she has it all now, the boyfriend and the new life, she doesn't have anything (meaningful) in her life. A narcissist can only take, not give. They seize, not build. They charm people, always have to appear nice, because they need to assure people that they are worth people's time and energy and attention. They need all the eyes on them, because they don't know who they are without the spotlight. They seek for constant attention, and quickly find another when they lose one source.

They cannot be alone, they can't afford silence and stillness. They don't appreciate things and tend to take people for granted. They are the poorest kind of human being in this world that they must steal from the others. And there's no point of helping or rescuing a narcissist (even trying to do so) because they don't feel like they need the help. They don't understand that. They don't want to be rescued. They just want the attention and feed their ego from it.

my fave Princess Mononoke's quote by Studio Ghibli - via etsy

One thing that I must warn you: a narcissist is not a fool. They are, in contrary, smart people. They have skills, certain ability, some kind of beauty, classy in a way. I dealt with another narcissist last year so I can tell. These people have the similar pattern, only this time I deal with an exceptionally brilliant one that I fell into her trap multiple times, forgiving her all the time and starting it all all over again.

But I must also thank her tho, that without her I may not be so aware like I do now. She served her duty in my life to teach me lessons, to help me awaken, to make me "see with eyes unclouded by hate". Therefore, I must thank all of the narcissists I've met in this life because without them I don't get to see so clearly. But this time, I am saying no to you loud and clear without any guilt.

via Pinterest

via divorcedover

On my post last month I wrote about Losing Friends; now I want to specify the types of toxic people that we need to lose. It may make you feel cruel to detach yourself from certain people, but sometimes it's a necessary thing to do in order to save yourself. Because we're the only person who knows best about ourselves and we're the only one who should decide the people whom we let entering our closest circle.

From my experiences of having tons of friends and lost some on the way, now I keep my circle small yet strong. Now I filter the types of people who can get near me, and the ones I keep close. It was hard for me at first to "eliminate" some people, but it's just a matter of priority. Remember that our closest 5 people are the ones that represent who we are. Whether you realize it or not, they share some influence to your mind, energy, and aura. Thus we must keep our environment bright, clean and toxic-free.

To help you out sorting out your "people", here are the list of people you must get rid of:

1. The people who always criticize you.
Yes, it is a friend's obligation to correct our wrongs. But when someone's been criticizing too much, and it's even much more than they ever praise you, well there's something wrong with this people. It's either they're being an unhappy person or they simply don't like you that much. Just get out of there. It's necessary to get a critic once in a while, but you don't need to hear about your weaknesses (in their eyes) all the time. You need to be praised too!

2. The people who never listen to you.
Some say this kind of people is an askhole; a person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them (or simply ignore your words completely). Well, it turns out being an askhole could really cost a friendship. Of course, not all of your advice must be taken but if it happens all the time and they never seem to appreciate your advice, thoughts, and--most importantly--time, it's time to remove them from your list. They don't need you as a friend; they just need you as a trash can. You clearly could use your energy for something/someone else. 

via simplereminders

3. The people who ask too much.
"It takes two to tango," they said. Friendship is "a state of mutual trust and support between allied nations" and relationship goes to "the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected." These "ships" acquire mutual feelings, concepts, and actions in order to achieve a satisfaction, rewarding state of being connected. It's understandable if one party would give more for some time, but turns will come around. If you're the one who always gives too much and the other party enjoys only receiving, it's time to find another who'll do just the same as you do.

4. The people who aren't supportive.
We mostly need support from our closest circle, be it from partner, family or friends. So if they can't be supportive, just leave (or stay away for a while). If they truly love us, they will always find a way to make us feel better, be better and do better. We need to be surrounded with the people who can help us thrive, either personally or business-wise. Moreover, we need the people who will be there for us. If they can't appreciate who we are, what we feel, or what we do, then they don't deserve our affection. We deserve to be appreciated and supported, like (almost) all the time!

5. The people who are fake.
Seriously, who can enjoy spending time with a fake? If you're surrounded with the people who always say too nice things as if they're sugar-coating it too much, you better stay away before you get a disease. As too much critic can do you no good, too much praise is as unhealthy. If you need to always dress up and make up, both physically and verbally with them, then you're not being completely yourself--and it means you're faking it. And one can only go for some length for such mask and drama. Let loose, be yourself, and see who still stick around. Then you'll find your true friends!

via youthministry

Is it even a term, 'losing friends'? I suppose I didn't have the term in my dictionary when I was a kid, but the life after 30 seems to offer different things. During the past 5 years I've lost at least 3 of my close friends; two of them are both Aries girls who had shared some great years as my best friends since we were 16 until 30, and the last one is a boy from school who happens to live in Bali now and with whom I had some great adventure together. Alas, I had to cut my friendship with them due to certain circumstances.

To me friendship is a relationship where the two persons share the same interest/value and make an equal effort to be of use for each other. If there's only a person who makes the effort while the other is taking advantage, or talking of the other behind their backs, or is simply selfish; it's not a friendship after all. And for me it matters most, for both parties to give at least an effort for the friendship to work out and last.

I've heard or read somewhere that in life we have limited 'seats' for closest people around us. If we have new friend, we must lose an old one. Something like that, I'm not sure. But the thing is, people change. We all change. We learn, we grow, we adapt, we thrive. Those who fail to catch up should be left behind because we have our own pace. Well I guess that's how life works in social aspect.

On this BBN Community site, the reasons we are losing friends are because:

1. You don’t tolerate insincerity anymore 
As we grow older and wiser, we stop ignoring faults and incompatibilities with the people in our lives, we start to lose patience for insincere and false friends. We learn that “quality over quantity” applies to friendships too. You’d rather have a genuine and sincere conversation with a good friend rather than put up a front and be with superficial people. 

2. You’ve got less time 
With age comes responsibility and lack of time, socializing generally takes a back seat. When this happens, we start to value our free time and realize that wasting it on friends whose company we don’t really enjoy anymore is not an option. Spending our limited free time with people who we like and who matter is far more important and rewarding. 

3. Your friendships deepened with time 
The friends who stuck around through the bad and not only the good have seemed to stay in your life. As we get older the “fare weather friends” start to disappear. Our deeper bonds and connections hold and we stop looking for more as we start to see who our real friends are. And those bonds just keep getting stronger! 

4. You’ve got more experience on your back 
We all need a friend to provide support sometimes, and as you grow older you start to see who you can rely on! This helps you see who’s worth keeping and who isn’t, and it’s more than likely the list of friends who you can really rely on isn’t a very long one!


I guess that's true. We filter friends as we grow up because we get to know ourselves much better; those who are no longer in tune with us will be sorted out no matter how. It is actually sad for me to have to lose friends. But being a Pisces, I'm the person who cares too much that I'm easily fall into negative aura and I really don't need more drama in my life.. That's why I cut some friends off (and I guess another one to be cut soon). Maybe we need to do that at one point in life. We all want to live in peace, harmony and more positivity after all. 

Wanda Hamidah and me at Kebun Bistro, Ubud

Never had I imagined that the opportunity of being a speaker at Erstwhile book launching I agreed on could grant me a new friend. Especially because that new friend happens to be the beautiful actress / politician Wanda Hamidah. I mean, I meet celebrities quite often but not all are friendly enough or even willing to be friends with just anyone, right? And the celebrity I mean here is specifically an A-lister.

As I said on my previous post, I was scheduled to pick Mbak Wanda up at the airport at 10:45 a.m. and we headed to Ubud right away. The two-hours road trip made us chat a lot and we even shared room to prepare for the 3:30 p.m. event. After the event we spent time together browsing through the festival, had dinner and some coffee at Kebun Bistro. At 9 p.m. she dropped me off at the hotel while she went on to her hotel.

During the 10-hours encounter we shared stories as she told me hers. It hits me that a person as beautiful and smart as she also suffers from pain. She also had dreams that didn't come true: to study abroad and to become a diplomat. She--just like all of us--also had moments of heartaches, feeling secluded from the world and had no money to continue with life (and she had three kids at that moment). She had to struggle between the social pressure of being a socialita and public figure with her right for happiness and freedom.

After getting divorced from her first husband, she found someone who has good looking, good manner, good job, and follows the same religion as she does. But when there's no feeling involved, all those physical things don't mean anything. Eventually she met a guy much younger than she is (10 years younger and still struggling to settle with his profession), with totally different family background, race & religions (he's a Chinese/German & was a Christian while she's an Arab/Betawi & is a Muslim), and very different kind of profession (he's a chef). But the chemistry is there. You all know where it all leads: a marriage.

I personally share the same principal with her: we believe in love. She told me that love is a blessing. To be able to feel something is already a blessing. I guess she is right. We must embrace love. I used to think too much about life, love, and marriage in particular--which perhaps keeping me from getting married. I guess I weighed my decisions too much on my unnecessarily overthinking thoughts.

Mbak Wanda told me that as long as there is love, we'll be just fine. Even if we argue everyday. Even if the marriage / togetherness would only last for five, ten years.. So be it!  It's not the numbers that counts. It is love that matters. It is better to have maybe five years full of happiness than to be married for a long time with someone so logically perfect (or according to what's good in the eye of public) but with no love.

She is now happily married to Daniel and has a cute one-year old son Kai with him. She is now doing things she likes and doesn't really care about what people say (which to me is the best kind of freedom). She is becoming a yoga instructor, taking the next step of the workout she's been doing in 15 years. She travels with Go-Jek everywhere in Jakarta and isn't ashamed to be seen riding on motorbikes while her friends are driving cars. She wears only basic make-up and dresses up the way she feels like it; she saves the budget for beauty salons for traveling around the world with her kids. She opts for practicality and she's currently living her life to the fullest!

That night I felt lucky. Not just that I had a rare opportunity to get up, close, and personal with one of Indonesia's most beautiful celebrity, but I also get to privately listen to her life story and love advice. I looked at this woman who just turned 39 last September 21 and see a strong mother of four. Her oldest is 14 years old girl and youngest just turned one (and she gave birth to them all normally without the C-section operation!!) She had been through a lot; she had her moment at the peak, down to the bottom, and made her way back up again.

I am not a person who follows gossips and I barely hear about Wanda Hamidah before last weekend. But every time I see her flawless face on my social media timeline now (we added each other's Instagram accounts) I see a tough person who is not afraid of failures because she knows she would get back up again. I see a humble woman whose smile is carved from a lot of pain. I see so much power a woman can have, because she makes her own choices and she makes the best out of it. I see in her imperfections of life which makes her even more beautiful.

Maybe that's why people say our 30s would be much better than our 20s. We learned, make decisions, make mistakes, fell down, but we get back up again and learn from our past. We forgive people and we forgive ourselves. We carry the lessons all our lives to make better decisions, be better person and go higher, and we spread kindness because we know it's the only thing that brings warmth to our hearts.


The next day, Sunday October 30th, I met with Mbak Wanda again. This time she was with her friend's family. We met for a brief moment that day because I had another event to attend in Jimbaran and she had a plane to catch to go back to Jakarta that night. But the fact that she was willing to meet me again proved that she wasn't just bluffing about being a friend to me. I feel I am so lucky to find friendship in this strong, humble woman; and I look up to her strength, wishing that when I turn 39 I'd inspire other people through my works, my belief and my love.

Thank you for the lessons and friendship, Mbak Wanda!


P.S. I had thought about writing this blog the night of our first encounter but then today as I already began writing it I saw there's a competition running at www.bloggerperempuan.com so I put this article in. Lomba blog ini diselenggarakan oleh BP Network dan disponsori oleh L’Oreal Revitalift Dermalift. Kalau mau ikut lomba juga, klik di sini.

via wikihow

Great friendship is certainly a place where you can talk, discuss and have fun about anything together. You can read how to keep the friendship here. But from my own experiences, here are the 5 reasons why cross-gender friendship is failing.. or 5 things to avoid if you want to keep your heterogeneous friendship to go on:

1. Undetermined feelings

For me it's easy to know the difference between friendship and love: if you want to fuck their mind/character/soul but don't want to deal with any of their physical (body, family, occupation, social status, financial condition, and so on), then s/he is your best friend. In the opposite, if you just want to fuck their body and not their soul, it's clearly just lust and does not worth any of friendship or serious relationship. Once you can recognize your own feeling toward them, you can set boundaries and define how you treat them--as friends.

2. Undefined positions

Now that you know your feelings, you have to let them know. Make clear boundaries, treat them right, or even discuss it with them. Never flirt or give false hope. If the other party is the one who has feeling more than friendship, make sure they got the message and give them time to neutralize their feeling. If you're the one who like them more but they consider you just as friend, get yourself some distance and get new circle of friends until you are certain you have a mutual platonic feeling. If you can't get rid of that feeling, it's going to be hard to maintain a friendship.

3. Physical touch

Avoid unnecessary hugs, embraces, or any kind of touch. Limit it only for greetings and not more than that. Avoid sensual touches, even when they are crying their heart out. Don't lend them a shoulder to cry on if you know it could mislead their feelings. Show or tell them your empathy to their situation in a proper amount but don't get carried away. Give the logical or emotional solutions they need, but don't give the kind of touch they crave for. Let them seek for it someplace else; not from you.

4. Romantic situation

Don't go to romantic places or intimate situation together. If you want to have a one-on-one conversation, do it in public places or if it's at either one's house, do it at the living room or kitchen, and make sure there are other people around. If things are getting hotter, simply leave the room. Keep yourself away from them for a while if you must. Do anything that can keep your relationship as casual as you can by giving time and space to keep it cool.

5. Excluding your partners

If either or both of you have significant others, acknowledge this friendship to the partner(s) and include them in it. If your partner doesn't approve, tell your friend about the condition so they could at least make an effort to win your partner's heart. Or vice versa: try to befriend your friend's partner if they tend to be suspicious on you. True friends should always have each others' back, even when they need to be away from their lives for a while. Don't worry about that: the people who really care for you won't leave your life no matter what!

This post is actually dedicated for my fellows Indonesian so I'll write this one in Indonesian.

via firsttoknow

Tabel di bawah ini saya buat sebagai bentuk protes saya terhadap pola berpikir dan bersikap masyarakat Indonesia dewasa ini. Lahir sebagai anak generasi '90an, saya yakin bukan hanya saya yang punya pola pikir memberontak dari norma budaya yang sudah mendarah daging dengan 'basa-basi busuk' yang belakangan sering kita sebut 'kepo' ini. Kepo, atau dalam bahasa Inggris disebut nosy, adalah perilaku super penasaran akan apa yang terjadi di dalam hidup orang lain.

Terus terang, sudah lama saya kesal dengan pertanyaan-pertanyaan basa-basi yang isinya hanya untuk mengorek kisah hidup sesama yang menarik untuk dibahas, tapi ya sebatas itu saja. Kebiasaan mayoritas manusia Indonesia yang 'mendengar untuk menjawab' dan bukan sebagai 'mendengar untuk mendengar' menjadi latar belakangnya. Jelas, tujuan dari pertanyaan-pertanyaan ini hanyalah untuk mengomentari, bukan memahami alasan di balik jawabannya.

Hal yang paling mengganggu saya akhir-akhir ini adalah soal anak. Memang, tidak semua orang tahu bagaimana pandangan saya terhadap anak. Tapi saya suka anak-anak. Saya sudah menggendong dan bantu mengasuh adik-adik saya sejak saya berumur 4 tahun. Saya merayakan kelahiran bayi, senang menggendong beberapa bayi, gemas akan tingkah laku mereka yang lucu. Tapi itu bukan berarti saya mau dan harus punya anak sendiri.

Kebiasaan manusia Indonesia yang suka 'kaget' dengan foto-foto bayi membuat saya sering kesal. Terutama ketika saya mengunggah foto menggendong bayi sepupu jauh saya tempo hari.
Mungkin banyak orang yang baru pernah memegang bayi ketika punya sendiri, atau waktu keponakan lahir. Yang harus diingat adalah, tidak semua orang begitu. Menggendong bayi bukan hal baru bagi saya, tapi saya paling sering mendengar orang berkomentar 'wah sudah cocok gendong bayi', lalu pertanyaan yang mengikuti biasanya 'kapan punya sendiri nih?'

Hal ini sangat mengganggu otak saya yang setengah kritis. Kalian tidak kenal saya dekat, tidak tahu seberapa sering saya sudah menggendong bayi (yang merupakan hal biasa buat saya), dan bisa-bisanya berkomentar 'sudah cocok'. Memangnya ada orang yang tidak cocok menggendong bayi? Bahkan Presiden Putin yang terlihat dingin saja bisa menggendong anjing dan menurut saya itu hal yang normal. Manusiawi. (Seakan selama ini saya tidak manusiawi ya.) Lalu jika saya cocok menggendong bayi, haruskah saya punya bayi sendiri? It doesn't work that way, people.

Dan yang paling mengganggu saya adalah, kenapa harus bertanya 'kapan punya sendiri' seakan itu adalah sebuah keharusan dalam kehidupan manusia bahwa di suatu saat semua orang wajib punya bayi dan satu-satunya pertanyaan adalah kapan hal itu akan terjadi. Mungkin 99% orang di dunia mengikuti sistem ini, tapi bukan berarti yg 1% tidak hadir di dunia ini. Ada orang-orang yang memang sama sekali tidak tertarik sama urusan anak, ada yang suka anak-anak tapi tidak mau punya anak, ada yang tidak mampu punya anak, ada yang belum siap punya anak. Kenapa harus kita urusin?

Lalu, ada banyak lagi pertanyaan kepo yang saya tidak tahan mendengarnya, baik ditujukan pada saya maupun pada orang lain di sekitar saya. Ketika ada yang ulang tahun, permintaan 'makan-makan donk' kerap mengikuti, seakan si empunya hajat wajib menghamburkan uang untuk menjamu semua orang, termasuk yang tidak begitu dekat (kalau memang dekat biasanya akan diundang atau tahu diri tidak meminta diajak makan.) Mending kalau punya kado untuk yang berulang tahun ya, yang minta makan-makan ini biasanya cuma ingin makan gratis saja. Sementara di luar negeri, ketika ada yang berulang tahun selayaknya teman-teman yang urunan membuat pesta, jamuan makan atau kejutan untuk yang ultah ini.

Lebih dalam lagi mengenai kasus kepo ini, saya selalu melihat orang-orang kepo sebagai manusia-manusia tidak bahagia. Bagi saya, kehidupan mereka begitu membosankan dan menyebalkannya sampai harus ribet ngurusin kehidupan orang lain. Mungkin mereka ingin punya anak tapi tidak bisa, jadi penasaran siapa saja yang senasib dengan mereka. Menurut saya, pertanyaan kepo seperti ini hanya membuat orang memandang kasihan pada si penanya yang mungkin tidak ia sadari.

Beberapa, memang punya anak dan bahagia dengan hal itu, tapi salahnya mereka menyamaratakan bahwa semua orang pun harus mengalami hal yang sama untuk bahagia. Tidak. Tidak semua orang kunci kebahagiaannya terletak pada anak, Kawan! Tolong jangan disamaratakan bahwa semua orang punya pola pikir, prinsip hidup dan tujuan yang sama dengan Anda. Manusia diciptakan berbeda, dan ketika kita menghargai perbedaan itulah keindahan hidup bersama tercipta. Jika Anda menyamaratakan prinsip hidup semua orang dengan prinsip Anda, artinya Anda memang tidak peduli dan tidak (mau) memahami orang lain di sekitar Anda. Alias, Anda hidup di dunia Anda sendiri!

Saya yakin semua pertanyaan kepo ini bukan dengan tujuan buruk. Masalahnya, kebiasaan ini sudah mendarah daging di negeri Indonesia seakan hal-hal ini memang wajar dipertanyakan. Sebagai orang Indonesia berdarah seperempat bule, saya punya cara berpikir lain yang tidak cocok dengan pertanyaan-pertanyaan mengganggu seperti ini. Walau untuk sebagian besar ini merupakan bagian dari 'perhatian' terhadap orang lain, bagi saya jika memang benar ada perhatian yang tulus, bentuk pertanyaannya akan berubah dengan nuansa kedekatan yang bisa dirasakan. Jadi, pertanyaan-pertanyaan ini memang terdengar sangat basa-basi.

Baiklah sekarang kita lihat dari sudut pandang lain yang bukan saya. Bagi beberapa orang (dan menurut saya ini terjadi pada kebanyakan manusia Indonesia yang sering galau), pertanyaan-pertanyaan ini mungkin tidak dirasa mengganggu seperti yang saya rasakan, tapi lebih buruk lagi, menekan perasaan mereka secara tidak disadari. Bagi orang-orang yang tidak pede, belum menemukan jati diri, tidak punya prinsip, masih ikut-ikutan arus, pertanyaan-pertanyaan kepo bisa menjadi tuntutan hidup yang mereka pikir mereka harus penuhi. Social pressure, bahasa Inggris-nya.

Alhasil, mereka galau ketika belum punya pacar, ditinggalkan kekasih (yang menyebabkan banyak lahirnya lagu-lagu alay mengasihani diri sendiri), belum dikaruniai momongan, bertambah bobot tubuh, lagi jerawatan, dst dst. Padahal, jika mereka sudah tahu apa yang mereka mau lakukan dan capai dalam hidup, mereka tidak perlu galau. Sayangnya kepercayaan diri dan keteguhan hati masih menjadi hal yang jarang bisa ditemui di Indonesia. Atas dasar itu mungkin saya ingin jadi pahlawan yang melindungi orang-orang yang masih mencari arah hidup ini dari social pressure tadi. Kalau bisa, jangan sampai pertanyaan kepo Anda menjadi sumber ketidakbahagiaan orang lain.

Dari situlah saya terdorong untuk membuat tabel perbandingan antara komen kepo dan komen keren yang mungkin bisa sedikit menginspirasi dalam mengubah cara bertanya, cara berkomentar dan cara menyikapi kondisi seseorang (terutama yang kita tidak kenal dekat). Saya harap tabel ini bisa setidaknya membuat hubungan sosial dalam pertemanan di Indonesia ini terasa sedikit lebih nyaman, terutama bagi orang-orang yang mendapatkan 'perhatian' kalian:

(klik tabel untuk melihat lebih jelas)

Silakan di-save atau share jika kalian setuju. Let's make this world a bit better to live in together (;

I am currently in Jakarta now since Friday night, caught the night flight back to hometown. I have planned this trip but was quite burdened to have to go but I did anyway--after being soaked wet in rain on the way for lunch at Whale & Co. that day. So long story short, I'm home. My brother also came home so we were gathered that weekend, with my sister and her husband coming the next day.

brother, Mom, in-laws, sister and me

On Saturday we had lunch together with my sister's parents-in-law at Pondok Kemangi, then had some coffee at Living World mall. It was an all-day family day and it felt really good to be together again with the people who love me. I felt the love, really. And to celebrate the lovey dovey day, we had a Black Valentine's Movie Night at CGV Blitz for Deadpool with Mom and my brother. Perfect!


The next day I went with my brother and picked up Alif, my schoolmate, on our way to Kempinski Grand Ballroom at Grand Indonesia for Jovita's wedding with Chris. This was my first reason to come home this time. It was a romantic Valentine's wedding full of pink flowers and lots of meat. LOL. Yes, that's the romantic part to have great meal on this particular day (;

Alif, Alex, Sandria, me and Natalie

I was happy to have attended this wedding because Alif is going to go to Japan for 2 years and Jovita is going to Australia with her newly-wedded husband, while Alex will be busy preparing his wedding with Sandria. This might be our last reunion (of my Jakarta schoolmates) for some time now. And in the party I had a chance to meet Natalie, another schoolmate I didn't remember. That was also a nice thing to have.


I had some business meetings on Monday and all work at home on Tuesday. But I got to visit IKEA store on Tuesday night (and this morning as well, for it is never enough to visit it for only 1-2 hours. We need at least 4--especially when you just moved in to a new home. You must be agree with me!) So basically I'm happy to have found the stuff I'm needing in Bali.

Tisa, Angelika, my aunts & Mom, me and Lauren

Andreas, Toba and me

Later today, I went to The Foundry No. 8 at SCBD with Mom. There I met my big family (aunts, cousins and girlfriends) and also my childhood friends Andre and Toba. It was Toba's band Zealspeaks' album launching with Dimas (drum) and Danny (vocal). Andre and I came to support Toba (guitarist) and also Hizkia--my cousin--for some of his paintings were displayed there.

Gilang, Samuel, David and me

I also met Dimas' friends Gilang (bassist), Samuel and David (the latter two were also supporting) so I felt more like a reunion with old friends there. I do have a lot of new friends but old friends always feel like home. I guess you know what I mean. Perhaps if you know someone long enough, although you don't get to meet them so often, they become a part of you that irreplaceable. Especially childhood friends.

the famous St. Marc Café from Japan

yummy chococro that you must try!

Due to my book writing project of "NurZahra: A Grateful Ode to Nature and Culture" (published by Afterhours Books), I have to do a photo shoot for the author profile so I asked a photographer friend to capture me wearing the outfits from NurZahra. Rina Ng is a longtime friend of mine. We knew each other since elementary years in Bandung and she has been living in Bali for almost 8 years now. She is an interior design graduate from ITB and focusing in photography now. Check out her works here.


For this photo shoot I was wearing NurZahra's indigo shibori chiffon kaftan outer and the matching NurZahra's indigo shibori chiffon shawl. The white sansan singlet and white viscose pants are from Nyaman Boutique, Bali. Photo location is at Ramada Encore, Seminyak.
Visit Rina's other works also here.

first Thirsty Thursday at Amei, Salsa Food City

I just realized I hadn't update my August activities. It was all started on first Thursday (Aug 6) when I went to Salsa Food City at Summarecon Mall Serpong to attend the so-called Thirsty Thursday (which I found from Couch Surfing), held by some 20-something expats who gather to drink beers and wanted to expand their friend circle. Some of the first few friends there were Lez (who made the event) and Kate--which became the two I was close the most.

archery at Senayan--my third time!

We hung out again the next Saturday for some Indian food, more beers and soju (Korean alcohol) at Karawaci, and did archery at Senayan on Sunday. After some late pizza lunch, Lez, Kate and I headed to Kemang to attend a pool party which I knew no one at, but quickly became friends with some of them and spent the rest of my August with one of the guys--whom I feel very dear to my heart now and fits me in a lot of ways. Well, who knows if he could be my soulmate?

some of my new friends at the pool party

I had never thought that the urge I felt to attend that random Thirsty Thursday event (which was so unlikely me) would brought me so many new friends and experiences. I even hang out at bars again (the last time I did was in Bandung in 2011) and hang out a lot at Kemang, my most favorite area in the whole Jakarta. But I guess you gotta trust your gut instinct, right? You'll never know the surprise inside your next chocolate will give!

via pinimg

Today, for the first time since 2013, I met this old friend of mine at PIM. We got busy with our own problems and decided to meet up today and talked about many things. He is now married to a woman he used to tell me as his crush and we were really that caught up with our own worlds that I couldn't even attend his wedding. But what I love about true friends is that they remain friends with us no matter how long we don't meet or talk with each other.

So I met Alexis Pompink (an architect) and his wife Winny (an interior designer) today and chill at Starbucks Food Hall. Winny was doing her job at a table with her laptop while Pompink and I talked. We used to have this hours of talking and it was always the great, constructing, mindful talk as it was today. So we shared our lives for the past 1-2 years that we lost from each other.

To my surprise, Pompink told me he was kind of jealous at me. This is something new. I mean, look at him, already married at his own expense (which could be considered one of the indicators of being success here in Indonesia) and doing all his job under his own company's name, etc. While I am still single, still living at my Mom's house and do not have anything valuable whatsoever to be boasted about.

via pinimg

But Pompink gave me a whole new perspective in life. He doesn't measure success by wealth but by achievements. And this achievement doesn't always in form of award-winning or any performance. He sees my achievement from the book I wrote, from the adventure and experiences I had (since Bali, and so on) and from what I have done for my family (spending more time, taking care of each of them). He counts my closeness to my young cousins and what I had done for them (which can't be seen to others) as something precious.

I was touched. Seriously. This was one of the best things people ever said to me--to see the unseen kindness and listen the unspoken words. I had never seen my dedication to my family as something to be proud of, but my now-married friend just reminds me of how valuable the family bond is. He sees it as something instead of nothing.

I guess my perspective on life is changed once again. And I'm thankful for having such a great friend as Pompink. And tho we don't stay in touch constantly, I know he's one of the best friends I can always count on. I'm so happy for this revelation and for meeting Pompink and his wife today. Thank God!
(;

I just got home from Pacific Place. A friend I've known since I was 8 years old was performing his graduation recital at @America and this was my first time attending a recital. Andreas was one of the gank I played with back in the elementary years and our friendship goes in distant but a long way. The one thing that made Andreas special is because we share exactly the same birth date--and I guess, as it works everywhere else, childhood friends are somehow close at heart because we know their families and met them everyday back then.


Anyway I came to @America precisely a moment before the recital started and I met Andreas at the 'back stage' before he played so I guess a bit cheering could do. Andreas started by performing "Asturias" by Isaac Albéniz for major classical on solo guitar, then "Le Coucou" by Louis-Claude Daquin for minor classical on piano. Next, "Hackensack" by Thelonius Monk for minor jazz, still on piano, but with a band of guitar, bass and drum. He then played guitar again for "26-2" by John Coltrane for major jazz.

For his own music composing, he had "Tukang Nasi Goreng" for contemporary rhythmic that performed by his fellow students from Institut Musik Daya (IMDI) that reminded us to Stomp, with a plot of Indonesian daily scene of hawker food sellers on the street. Such a humble background for a great rhythm, that reminded me of "August Rush" movie where the kid could hear music in everything he heard on the streets. Andi, a friend I asked to come along, came during this performance, so he missed the more "serious" songs for it became more upbeat and fun till the end.


For the closing, Andreas had the Airbrass Bigband (complete with trumpets, trombones and saxophones) played an Indonesian children song, "Becak", by Ibu Soed but with his own arrangement for a more fun, funk and happy tunes. I enjoyed every bit of the music, especially the song choice because it's very Indonesian, that every Indonesian knows the song by heart. It is a simple and humble song but when played in such a complex yet beautiful arrangement, the music sounded more exclusive, "expensive" and brought happiness to the audience who listened to it (I even tapped my foot while recording the video!)

Andreas Nandiwardhana, Bachelor of Music

The last 30 minutes of the event was spent for speech from the principal, the graduation ceremony and another jam session. There, I met Arief, another schoolmate and also Andreas' best friend (we used to hang out together back in 4th-6th grade), and his fiancee, Sanny, and also Andreas' fiancee, Tri, along with his parents. It was a really nice and happy small reunion. I'm very proud of Andreas' accomplishment, especially because he's one of the longest friends I know. Proficiat!

Yoas was the guy in black shirt with rasta-colored skull

This morning I woke up to a very shocking and sad news: the depart of Yoas Tahapary. I got the news from Agatha, his fiancée. DJ Yoas was my senior in SMA St. Aloysius, tho he was graduated before I entered the high school. We spent more time together with the others back in 2011-2012 at the friendship and brotherhood of OJ's Tavern. It really was the precious moment of our lives--definitely one for me.

I remember one night in 2011 where I decided to hang out at OJ's Setrasari with my friends Timen Cheryl, Dimas and Otto and met Yoas again after few years there, being the "chief" of the bar and staying up until the sun rise. I remember all the jokes, the laughter, all the unimportant-but-memorable chat, the stories and the way he giggled. I remember he created such a pointless but fun Gendut Gemes Group at Facebook to gather friends just to laugh together.

I remember Yoas as a bright, sunny person, despite his dark skin of being an Ambonese. I remember to always dropping by to Sushi Groove where he played every Thursday and Friday whenever I went to PVJ. I remember that one time I specially went over to a new bar with my bestie Maria, just to watch him play. I remember him as a Holland-sprechen and taught me some of it. I remember had my cousin Hizkia learn to spin the vinyl from him for 4 months back then. Those were really fun times we had!

New Year 2012 Eve Party at OJ's

I remember he was consulting with me when he had a crush to my friend Agatha, who is now his fiancée. I remember him being such a soft, mellow person compared to the wild, lively Agatha--which made them match as a pair. Knowing that they were planning a wedding that supposed to be in November this year, really made my tears won't stop running since morning. I really can't imagine Agatha's pain for losing this great man just months after losing her own father last year. But I know God is planning something beautiful for her as well.

For the past few months, Yoas had been fighting the lymph node cancer and diabetes, and had been staying in the hospital. Last week I had a chance to cheer him up a bit thru the LINE chat, but I know it was far than enough. I'm just glad I had a chance to say a little hi before he was gone. And what made me really glad was to see that he had fun playing at Andru-Karlina's wedding in Bali last March, to know he had lived his life to the fullest. Again, they said good guys finish fast ;)

Yoas Tahapary had been such an awesome person and great friend to many. We are all praying for his soul to rest now and be in peace with the Lord in Heavens. I am writing this eulogy as an expression of loss, but mostly I'm thankful for having a chance to know such a person like Yoas. Too bad I cannot go to Bandung for the last tribute at his funeral tomorrow, and this eulogy is the least that I can give as an honor to his beautiful soul. Farewell, Yoas, you are dearly missed ;')

To anyone who can attend:
at St. Borromeus Funeral Home, Room A
Consolation Worship - May 5 - 7:30 p.m.
Requiem Worship - May 6 - 9 a.m.
Funeral - May 6 at TPUK Pandu, Bandung

Peachy Life

I think this is the first time someone ever write a review on my work, and this one is indeed a nice one. I know it seems like I've been cheating because the reviewer is my own friend (Gusti Amanda Noor, a fashion & graphic designer/blogger/accessories crafter) but trust me, she's hard to please when it comes to a good story!

Anna had been my "partner in crime" back when I lived in Bali for 2 years and we attended the same college, took the same class of Visual Communication Design in Binus Uni way back before. And yes, we have almost the same taste for style (she's more girly while I'm not), almost the same taste for books and stories and the most important is that we share same perspective for life that made her my tandem to talk for hours just discussing about life.

While you're checking out her review, don't forget to visit her handmade accessories shop and lovely blog posts about her life in Bali! ;)
#thankyou

me, Alexandre, Adolfus, Jovita and Alif

I don't really maintain too many friends nowadays. So any kind of invitation to meet up is like a must-come for me. Last Wednesday, my elementary schoolmate Adolfus informed that he was coming to Jakarta just 6-7 hours upon his arrival. He asked for a meeting that night so I asked the other friends if they could join us--they could!

We gathered at Beer Garden Radio Dalam at 8.30 p.m. and waited for the guest to come for 2 hours. Adolfus finally showed up at 10.30 p.m., straight from his flight. We had fun till 1 a.m. and I got home at 2 something because I had to dropped Adolfus and Alif first. But I did have fun that night, especially to meet with Adolfus whom I never met in the past 23 years!

Adolfus wrote in his Facebook timeline: "true friends can go a long time without speaking, never question the friendship, and not hold grudges--but understand life is busy and you will always love them!" and I thought, he is right. These are the friends with whom I always feel welcomed and safe, knowing we're keeping each others' memory and sharing laughter together.

When I moved to Bandung in 1992 I was deeply missing them. I didn't have any phone number nor home addresses--I never had a chance to say goodbye because the move was quite a sudden and I was still 8 years old back then. I could only remember my old schoolmates from the photos I kept. Never that in my life I imagined I could meet them again, but I did (and thanks to Facebook for this).

I must once again say that "every person you meet in life, you'll know them all your life." This 'theory' had been proven in my life so many times. So always be careful with your words and behaviour toward people and leave only good impression for them, if not just memory. You'll never know when life decides for you to meet again anyone you've lost before. Life is indeed a mystery, eh?