I just realize how old I am now. 24 years old. Another year and I'll be a quarter of a century of age. People say that life begins at 17, but mine truly began since I moved in to this apartment. I met so many new people for the last 4-5 months and feel excited on each meetings. People here inspire me a lot. You see, the atmosphere is so different with the one in Bandung and everything in here just feel so good to me, brings me the optimistic I need.

I've been hanging out with people who are younger than me for the recent months and it made me feel and think younger, made me forget my real age and challenged me to do things I've never done before (read my recent posts about Rafting and The Thousand Islands). I feel so refreshed and alive and I like the feelings.

Dunno why but younger boys just attract me better than the older ones. They just have more energy, fun and excitement. They do more reckless stuff and breaking free. Maybe I need those in this phase of my life (cuz I used to like older guys and avoided the younger ones). Maybe this lasts only for a while. Or for ever. I dunno.

Lately I've been questioning myself. I've lost interest in such thing they call 'romance'. I met a wonderful boi recently and I can't open my heart for him, although most of my friends already approved for him. He's (again) younger than me, but it's not really a problem, cuz he's mature enough to compare with my thoughts, has sense of responsibility and has a nice family (which holds a great deal of my consideration). He's such a gentlemen, a sweet and great guy, but I just can't move on further [I'm sorry to let you down if you read this...]

I think it's because I've loved someone else (which had exhausted my heart, body and soul already all of these years) and also being loved--by a different person--before (which strangely was exhausting, too).
I've known someone who stole my heart and I've been in a relationship that finished my ego and self-esteem, got trampled on 'til its very last pride. I was so depressed back then and I just realized it now.

I've lost my hope in a relationship cuz I know I could never be with the one I truly love (people keep saying that he doesn't deserve me but I just can't stop loving him although I know it's a dead-end with him) and the recent traumatic relationship just hurt me so deep I dunno whether I could ever recovered from such pain. I no longer trust in relationship.

It's so much fun now being with friends and all the people that build me, and with the boys who like me without any obligation or bond, but the one thing I lack now is the need of certain kind of love (the eros one). I think this is just a phase in my life I'll soon get thru with but I'm also a bit anxious whether this would end. Cuz I don't think I can stop loving that one special guy (who isn't that special for the others actually) and I dunno if I still have the capability to love someone in better way. 

I still have a huge and serious issue about this stuff but I don't think I want to discuss this now, it's just not a right time (although I'm 24 now and Mom got married when she was 24). I still wanna have fun in my life and don't wanna regret it later. I still need to put more concern about this topic in my life. One of my biggest fear in life. But I need to do other more important things now I think this can wait. I just hope it won't be late in the future.

Just please don't bother me with all those wedding questions cuz it's so stressing for me!