via 8tracks

I dunno what to think. I mean, everything is just coming so fast from everywhere and got struck in the middle and made a huge typhoon it made me so dizzy. You musn't know what I'm talking about. Well, say that I'm blabbering, but I need to pour some content of my brain before sleeping tonight. You know, in effort of having a great morning tomorrow and mindless work.

I chat with a friend today and she told me to be just what I was supposed to be; a woman. Don't try to overcome with the fact. Be like a lady, love your man and live happily ever after in such a noble marriage. Now that she mentioned it, I felt quite terrible being an independent woman. Perhaps because I've found a perfect guy who loves me so dearly but I threw his love away instead.

What do I want, actually? Meeting with Fenny (friend of Livia) last weekend and chat with Shereen (my old colleague) brought me new hope and strength; they are pro-my modern thinking about woman's strength.

With Fenny, we discussed about how did we became like this. In my opinion, a girl could be such a super one because of her environment. A girl like me, and perhaps like Fenny's, too, born and grew up in such a perfect family with perfect harmony and lost no one in her world. While other less lucky people suffer to lose at least one figure in one's life.

Take it as a boy who grew up with only his father. He'd grow up looking for a mother figure and he'll most likely find her in a shape of a woman he'd fall in love with--and be his wife. That's why some boys prefer older woman. The same theory could happen to anyone, just in different case; girls who seek fatherly figure, boys who seek for little sister's figure.. etc etc.

In my life, I have everything that I might need; father, mother, brother and sister. Perhaps I miss a big bro figure but I've manage it by being friends with my cousin Iwan and his friends. Now I only need a twin figure. Someone who are equal to me; not anywhere lower or higher, just equal. I guess I'd found it in Mario.

But something's still missing here, that I recognize lately. My youth. I think I've spent too much time thinking too fast forward during my youth, forbidden to do something or go somewhere with certain people--or just simply that I was always a misfit--that I now seek for adventure in my life.

I've spent too much time looking for my place in this world and now that I've found it (here in Jakarta, far from Bandung's narrow-minded-people [no offense!!] and back to where I belonged) I now look for more sensation. I now do things only on my way and so selfish that it sounds, but I feel more powerful and in total control with my own money and on my own. I'm rather impossessable (dunno if there is a word such as impossessable. LOL.)

I tend to runaway whenever I'm about to be attached to anything. I'm already used with terms 'nothing lasts forever' that I truly think nothing lasts forever to me. People come and go, and we all change. That's the simple truth and I'm gonna make it simpler in my life; I just let it.

The only dilemma I'm thinking about is Mario. He loves me so much, God knows how huge his heart is, and he's willing to make me happy the rest of his life, and he's truly such a lovely man. And I dunno why, that I now threw out the love of my dreams. I must be insane.

If I should only look at him, I know I'd never ever leave his side--ever again--for I've been such a cruel lover to him, and I owe him just big time. He's my guardian angel, the first guy ever who dares to love me that much. He took his chances and bet all his possessions on me. What more a girl can ask for a true love?

It's not enough for me, indeed. I dunno what to do now; follow what they say (back with him, get married, make a family..bla bla bla) or just do things that I want. The latter would be quite extreme here in Indonesia, but heck, I guess, I never belonged anywhere anyway. I'm not a Chinese nor a Bantenese nor a British and I think I have full right to do things on my own; I'm not supposed to be obliged to certain culture--only by Catholic rules that I should go on.

This is one of the whys I don't like living in Bandung; too many people pretend to care about stuff that I'm dealing with. Why should they bother, if the one--the only one--who's dealing with it is ME? And why don't they understand that I'm unlike them, that I'm different and that I want things they don't?

Why should one be married, actually? To make a happy family--to follow the current--or to find true happiness? I prefer the latter--and it's not only by marrying someone you think you love. I think true happiness could come from anything. And a 'super' woman like me don't really need marriage. But why does it feel too burdened to hurt him--while my interests are no longer around him? (Is it really a sin, to turn him down and have fun with my life instead--to lose a special diamond for less-shiny stone?)

What happen to a girl who choose to stand by her own opinion? Would she get what she wants? Or would she ends up cloning the cliche idea of happy-marriage's image? Would she really be happy for herself in that picture??