'I was never a big racist until I went back to Indonesia,' a friend wrote. Well, for me, I was never a racist until I went to high school. My high school was a Chinese majority and I, who lived in Jakarta for the earlier years of my life and went to a junior high with native Indonesian in majority, felt a bit shocked when I first enter the high school.

I dunno why the racism feels so thick in Indonesia. But when I hang out with the Chinese, I felt the most uncomfortable feeling I've ever felt my whole life. I felt the feeling of rejected, not belonged in the group, and worst, not worth enough to hang with those people. 

Why? Because they set different standards, I realized later. But at those moments, I didn't realized that my confidence was being torn apart from me becuz of that. I was lack of confidence, I tended to hate myself, I acted and dressed up and did things I had never liked, things that weren't my habit.

When I first noticed that I was being fooled by the influence around me, I got so angry at the people I thought were trying to change me from who I was. But then I realized, that they did it because they wanted the best for me... by their eyes. They didn't know that I was different.

Well, I am different. With the British blood running from my late Grandma I think the most liberally among my friends. I think I was the most independent girl of all the girls I've met. The Bantenese and Chinese blood 'helped' with the eyes. I don't really like my eyes, I guess, althougt they are beautiful. It's that they made me classified as 'Chinese' around here. Thankfully I still have the fair skin from Grandma.

From my Mom, the Chinese blood didn't really help me being a Chinese. She grew up in Central Jakarta with native Indonesian friends more than Chinese friends and it made her think and do things less Chinese. I never knew there was such Lunar New Year tradition, ever, before I entered the high school. Never heard of the word Imlek before that.

So what if I don't like most of Chinese here? (I feel already like Hitler.) Not that I hate them, I just don't like it because the non-Chinese thought I was Chinese but the Chinese don't accept me as part of them, nor that I feel like one. Then where should I stand now?

Mom had made me used being with ourselves, being independent. So, there's no problem for me to be on my own. Groups and ganks don't accept me, so I stand alone. Races don't pick me, so I be who I am now. 

One thing to be sure, I'm a Catholic, and there would be nothing in this world that could change it. I'm proud and happy to be a Catholic. It's just being more complicated when I go further from religion 'cuz I don't belong to any race here. But it's not a problem. As long as you don't mess up with me, I'm a pretty friendly girl.

It's just that I don't like the Chinese influence around me. Made me lose myself. Made me think so small and different and such negative stuff. I never get involved too far with native Indonesian culture, so I am still okay with them, remembering most of my family from Dad's side came from Java and Banten.. 

But maybe if they mess up with my principal, I'd get racist about them, too. But so far, they do fine, it's like already in the blood sometimes, since I grew up with lots of Javanese cousins.