Another Victoria's Secrets

I guess now I know the reason why God let me sick yesterday. Besides to let my body rest, He also reminds me that I am way too have fun. I’ve the fun almost non-stop since last December, the post-breakup-revenge. I’ve been forcing my body to join every invitation to the FUN. And I really had fun. But now, I guess it’s time to back to the real life.

Today a friend called me and asked me about a job. I said I’ll take it. So I met the marketing guy from a resto and we agreed to have me as the designer for them. I work with Tessa this time. I hope we’ll be a great partner since my last team work. I have trauma with work. My last project failed bcuz of misunderstanding between me and my latter co-worker. I couldn’t understand her way, and vice versa. So we split up. And I never took any interior project ever since.

But I guess I’m over it and I’m now ready for new project and everything felt just alright this afternoon when I met the marketing manager. I really do hope this will go well. I really need this job, not only for the money, but to get my confident back about having an interior project.

I’ve been sleeping for too long, maybe this is the turning point. I really have to give credit to my friend Hendrik to give me so many benefits since the first time I met him (before we met we communicate via friendster). He gave me many food vouchers, free passes, interior decorating job for Hard Rock FM stand in an expo, and now, this job. Real big now and I am really blessed.

And about the guys stuff, I think I just think too much. See how many word think I used just now? I am a thinker. But I guess I have to take it easy, go with the flow and let the nature guide. I won’t think about any of that anymore, since I already have too many stuff inside my head right now. I have so many projects to do beside my own school tasks. And I always feel that my time is running out.

I’ve wasted 4 months having fun with the girls, avoiding the word LOVE and the name FERDIE to prevent me from getting hurt again. I refused using my heart to deal with guys around me. But now, seeing all of my girls now are getting busy themselves; Ester with her boyfriend’s new Korean canteen in Hypersquare; Irma with her new job at Panin Life; and Livia with her school and boyfriend, I guess I have to start my own business. I gotta start building my own career since my former one was destroyed as my relationship with my ex been damaged.

So now, I guess the ill and all that I felt uncomfortable yesterday was a blessing in a way. Now I know what to do (plus another credit to Hendsen to let me know what to do with this blog) with my days here, now. And I know what to do with my heart too. To set it free without my brain, to let my heart tell me where to go next.

And about my insomnia, well, I think I just have so many things in my mind and my body just wanna have fun and I just got stressed though you can’t see it. I am way too easy-going you won’t realize what I hid behind my smile. At least I think so. I gotta find a way to get thru this stress, make my works done one-by-one and just simplify my life.

I guess I’m done tonight. Still working past midnight, I guess I have to find my ‘time manager’ to manage my life a bit.

I am seriously ill now. It hasn’t been a week since the Amare night. The weekend was awful. I promised to my dearly lovely bestfriend Lita who came from Jakarta to spend the evening with her and her group. I imagined it would be a great night having her here in Bandung since it is such a once-in-a-decade thing. I’d really longed to go with her and we had arranged our plan—to go to Ciwalk and had fun at Amare (again!!!). But it seemed like God had another plan on me. I canceled our arrangement in the last moment. I felt so awful, my whole soul wanted to go and meet her but my body said no.

So I was at my room the whole night, curling up behind my blanket. I had a fever and a headache but the sleep was not delight. I slept for just about half an hour. Can you believe that? I mean, I thought I needed much sleep for my recovery. And I couldn’t get back to sleep so I turned on my laptop—yes, it is a laptop, a new one given from my dad for my birthday present—and met some friends. Met a broken hearted so I thought I needed to accompany him a bit—before this childhood friend of mine showed up at MSN messenger. We chat a bit and I found that he wasn’t like who he was. I mean, he changed. I dunno whether it was me who didn’t know him better or he really does changed. I just found the whole new perspective on him.

I slept that night with so many messages from guys I thought they cared for me. They were my drunk-lover-neighbor, my other drunk-lover-neighbor-but-schoolmate-too and my old-crush-guy. They were all sympathy and offered me a visit. I dunno if they really meant them. But I guess not cuz when I asked them ’really? You wanna come by?’ they said ‘well I guess not cuz you got your whole family home’ so I think they’re not being serious with me.

Or maybe I need a help here. I always think that guys who only talk shit like this are not being serious. I have a cute guy in my class tries to flirt with me every time we met but he just flirts, never tries to ask me on a date or anything (okay, he made my cell phone casing air brushed very beautiful with sakura flowers once)—maybe it’s bcuz his house is way too far from me and all he got is only motorcycle—but my friend Sari said it is so very obvious that he really do likes me but for me, he’s only flirts. I dunno if they really meant it but for me it doesn’t seem like it. Perhaps you can give me an input about this? Thanks!

The next day came even worst. I woke up with all part of my body ache. The head, the body, the legs, even the feet were all ached. It was terrible. And to add more terrible thing that early morning, I got a message from my cousin told me his dad was dead. I just visited him last week, he was really sick. So that morning—and the whole day—was a mourning day for our big family. I always adored my uncle. He was a hard worker, a thinker, a great man. But he was a bit scary too bcuz he spoke so little to me. He was a genius.

It’s enough about my uncle now we’re talking about my illness. I got the whole day sleep—wake up—drink water—drink medicine—drink guava juice—being massaged—sleep again for about 5-20 minutes—wake up again and my body temperature was high again—drink again—peed—drink guava juice—massaged—sleep and so on. Kinda boring but that was my day. During all of these routine, I came up thinking. These guys who messaged me last night, are they really serious? If they aren’t—which I believe—what am I doing in these late 3 months? What do I really seek in life?

I was still believed on the last guy, the old crush of mine, that he is being serious with me. But for some cases, his limit and stuff, he couldn’t be here with me. Well, for this I have to think more. He only has a motorcycle to provide him going anywhere. I don’t think motorcycle still do for me. Maybe I am really a materialistic girl but I have reasons for this. Motorcycles get me pimples and wind. My body isn’t that strong to wind, especially night wind (for this case I had abandoned my rules which I went with only a tank top all night long on the Amare night).

So, I was kinda afraid of this guy though I really like him so very much. I was afraid of letting him down, on giving him a chance, on hurting him. Cuz I am not that deep into him. I like him but he’s just not my future guy. And I think I am searching for that future guy now.

About the two drunk-lover-neighbors, well say I am a bitch but I really love affection. I love hugs, I love kisses. I just love attention. The first one I knew him just a little. We met only a few times. But a few weeks ago we met for the first time since a year ago, and he called my name out loud in front of people in the night at Ciwalk and he hugged me, gave me a bijou kisses and then he just won’t stop hugging me. It was a delight bonus, I must admit, since he is a very handsome guy. But I know he was just a fling. I loved the hugs, the kisses (on cheeks) but he is just an intermezzo. He has a different religion and he just love drinking and clubbing—far different world with mine.

The other one I knew since about 2 years at school. We were once close but he was the broken hearted and I was his advisor, his supporter, his motivator. Then we were getting close again but he kept distance and then I met my last guy then we ‘lost contact’. But now, since the incident on the Amare night, he just never stopped calling me. Asked me to help him with his project, just called around 2 a.m. to say nothing but he was drunk in the club… almost nothing so important. I am confused.

Does he really want a more serious relationship with me or does he just need someone to talk to since I am the only person here in Indonesia who really knows him? And if he does, what do I react? Do I want the same purpose with him, whether on being serious or just a need to talk? I dunno.

Beside all of these guys, I got another fan keeps on messaging me. We met in friendster and I gave him my number bcuz of business thing. He gave my number to his 34-year-old-landscaper-architect-lecturer-friend in Surabaya in purpose to get us together cuz he thought I am beautiful and he is a good-looking-metropolitan-guy. I never met one of them. But this friendster guy really made me interested. He always uses poetic sentences, an awkward to me at first but then I get used to it. He really cares for what happen to me. So another thought occurred to me. But it’s not so important. Just a little thought. But let’s keep it for later. I’m not really thinking of him. He just sms me so I am writing about him.

Back again. What do I really want in life? I just realize that I am totally different with other—most of the—girls around me here, especially in Indonesia. I am different in taste, style, and now, lifestyle, purpose and perspective in life. I am really a different piece in thousands of uniforms. So when I check back about my purpose in getting a boyfriend, getting married, having a life, I was kinda taken aback. Well I knew what I really want is. But here, now, I know I can not get it all become true. So lately I was just having fun, enjoying night and wild nights with the best of my girls. I never really liked clubbing before. I enjoyed the scene but I knew it wasn’t my world. I grew in a total different one. But my girls do, so now I am just having fun with them around.

So about guys, I am now only looking for the best, the one. I don’t do double-sight seeing on any guys around. I pass them without any thought, no matter how cute-rich-cool-dandy-prospectus they are. Without chemistry on first sight, they are nothing to me. But then I think, not everyone give/get the chemistry on the first sight and they could be true lover, right? I mean, look at my exs. Not everyone from them I liked from the first sight. I just feel that I’ve found the only man I really wanna be with the rest of my life, the real flesh of the figure in my dreams so I feel enough about that or if I wanna find another one, I must seek for the one much better.

Now, after all of that, I am just looking for a guy similar or hopefully even better than my last. I put list of my type even longer than before, my standards are higher than ever. Recently I’ve been meeting so many guys who like me. Not mentioning those 3 guys and the friendster-poetic guy I told you before, I still got the café owner, and other 4-5 guys who keep sms-ing me in turns. They are gone for some days but then come again sooner or later. Always like that.

A very weird condition, to know how I love the affection and attention but whenever a new guy comes to me, I get freaked out and keeping my distance and try to investigate him as far as I could, as long as I could. I put too many standards they impossibly could reach. And I get bothered when they keep contact me. This is so weird bcuz I love attention but feel bothered at the same time. Maybe for me all ‘boys are toys’? Never mind, I’m not serious, it’s just the name of Bandung’s local female band. It’s like I’m looking for the one but eliminating all the finalists at the same time. At this point, I really need a therapist.

With some purpose becuz of my last meeting with my girls and their boyfriends, I am now challenged to find myself my own guy. Perhaps it’s more to my satisfaction and fun than to my own heart. I’m not really looking for love now. I’ve loved my first love for the last 8-9 years and I’ve loved my last one so deeply that I think it’s enough about love now. Cuz I dun really believe I can find true love these days. (REALLY, REALLY NEED A THERAPIST. Do you know one?)

Maybe you’d say I’m a player. Perhaps you are right. Maybe I am now going into that title. Plus I am now drinking (but not beer) and always exist in clubs and befriends again with the friends I’ve avoided the last 1 year. They were all clubbers and drinkers and smokers and all that. Not really a good habit. I think I already start being one of them. With my outfits and my style and befriends with important people in Bandung I’d need someday. I already got free passes for all my club needs. I never paid for my entries the last 3 months and I paid only 2 times for drinks, say it for clubbing every week. How great my life is now? For some perspective, maybe it is. But for all the people who knew me before, you’d say I’m really changed. Again, it’s bcuz I do know what I want and now I just want to enjoy my time before I start chasing the ‘real’ one.

Still many thoughts came when I am left sick and alone at home. But I can only share these bcuz I start feeling dizzy again now, my neck still ache but I am feeling much better actually (and still no answer to some of my rhetorical questions). I gotta sleep now and I would like to say thank you to all of you who mind spending your time to read these posts. And now let me say oyasuminasai guys!

We were in love once on summer 2002. I could never forget. He was different, sort of a loner with magnificent talents, big secrets and great stories to tell behind his cool and mysterious face. I always like this rebellious type of a man. He was this loving and caring man. He needs love as he’d give it to a girl he really love.

I was impressed by his cool-being. I was flattered by his words. I was surprised by his dance skill. And I adored his love. He has the purity of heart. He was deep.

But then I broke his heart and chose another guy to be with in Jakarta. I was wrong maybe. I dunno. It seemed so right to be with that guy instead of him. Cuz he couldn’t give me what I need at the time.

Time and place separated us. We lost contact. I never heard from him again until one day when I was hanging out in BSM with my classmates around the beginning of 2004. I saw him and I realized that I still like him. But he had a girlfriend already and I continued my life.

I met him several times before today. Just a casual ‘hi’ and ‘how are you’ we shared. He sms me one day on September 2005 but I was with my last boyfriend so he disappeared again.

Now that we are both single and we met at the Amare for the historical March 22, 2006 I saw that I still like him till now. We hooked up together. We spent the night having fun in the middle of the crowd of other party-goers. He said that he still loves me, never changed. I smiled and I hugged him.

But now I am confused. I still like him. He loves me. Livia said to find a guy to LOVES me and I could try to love him then. He’s okay actually. More than okay his prestige could make me proud, he is always the best in the break dance world.

I realize that I can’t expect the love as what I want. I have to let the guy loves me in his own way. But what about all those rules I made for myself, the rules about the type of guys I could date?

This guy is a good-looking one (every love falls from the eye to the heart, is it?), not too tall (just like my last ex) but he has his body built by his practices. I really love the bod, the muscles and his tattoos, very macho. And he is a very caring person. But he lives so far away, he doesn’t have a car (does he has to? Is it really important? Am I being a materialistic girl now? I used to go dating by angkot or taxi or motorcycle once but I am too mobile now) and he has a total different world and background with mine. Plus he’s not as strong as me he tends to get sick and weak. Not that all of these important to love a guy, but these are the main rules I give to guys who wants to date me.

Now I need some feedback. Does love still rule above all? Or do all the other things get the hold now? What do you think about this guy? I like him for who he is. But I can’t see him as often as I want. Maybe we can only meet once in 1-2 weeks. And he couldn’t be with me whenever I need him. I like him, but it is not love yet. I am afraid of hurting him again. Not afraid of losing him cuz I couldn’t have him that way. He’s way too fragile to me, to see that I am looking for a guy with self-power and strength. I believe I can always run to his shoulders to seek a shelter. I can always go to him. But I’m not sure I could give him the same as what he’d give me.

I am too mobile and have too many friends I could hang out with different people everyday. Maybe I am still afraid of losing my fame and existence. I just entered the new world of important people and now—if I chose him—I might lose it all. Besides, I need a guy to be by my side. Not all the time, but the most of it. So I won’t get my girls’ boyfriends to send me home every time we hang out together. Just please tell me your opinion about this me-and-my-crush affair… I need it immediately.

Amare again! This was the 5th or 6th times I went there since January 2006. Just like the previous month, I got some free passes from Alex. He got it from Ochie, PR of Amare, for his car club, NARR. We just got to collect as many communities as we could to go there and fill the club up on Wednesday nite. It was the R’n’B nite, my most favorite music to dance to. And I brought around 35 people with me the last February 22, 2006 included my schoolmates from MADC, my friends from Choice, and some of my high school friends. The night was hot and I met old friends I never met from long time. It was succeeded though Ester and LS and Jeremy couldn’t make it.

And few days ago, March 22, 2006 I got the free passes for the same event. This time I brought the ones who didn’t come last time. Irma couldn’t make it this time. I missed one girl. And the friends from Choice didn’t come too. But I got my old friend Gama and Helmi there. There were also Bruce (Abraham who’s going to S’pore soon), Odie the tattooed and rasta-haired Indo-Holland girl with her boyfriend, Ivanni.

That nite was even hotter than last month. I danced with an old crush of mine, the one I've always like but never had a chance to get to know him closer. But there was another guy who (said he) loves me secretly. He never told me his true feelings for me before and he acts just the reverse side of his feelings—if he said the truth at last.

He pulled me back from my crush and he gave me long speeches. Even after I left him to dance with my friends again, he kept calling me for 3 times-tho the music was so hard I barely could hear his voice. And I left the club by 3 a.m. He sms-ed me talking about long theory of love, that I was his special one. And he told me—even if this was an infatuation, that he really loves me, he really cares for me.

I was kinda happy to hear that—finally—he loves me. But the fact is, on the days we're meeting in campus, he ignores me. He was kinda avoiding me. And he rejected my invitation to join me in a café or mall. He lives not too far from my house. It’s only a complex away. But he never shows me any affection, except for a night when he drove me home.

By those facts, how could he say he loves me? How could I accept his theory if I felt like abandoned by him? He told me to stay away from my crush but what does he know about my life? I was kinda angry to him. If he really loves me, could he be like he always is till now?

Instead, this old crush told me that he truly still love me just like the old time. We were separated becuz I went to Jakarta for my study and left him here in Bandung. We lost contact. He was mad at me. But he still loves me and hid his feelings all this time, cuz he’s happy with whoever guy I am with. I must discuss about this later, in my next post. But my point is this guy has a strong feeling towards me. He loves me from long time ago. And he shows it.

Not a very important ones, these arguments. Kinda strange how these guys came up at the club and gave me the drama here. But still I love to club. To dance and drink and get high and to kiss!! Little town Bandung is, gossips will spread over soon but I just love the scenes.

Not the old Vicky that you guys know. I am now completely changed. I am still looking for my 'Personal Legend'. I still don’t understand many things that happened in my way. I still hoped for a too-high-star in the sky. I still ask the 'why' and 'how' and 'when' to God in my prayers. But now I know a bit of what I really want. I am still influenced by friends’ words here and there. But I can see a bit of vision of my future and I am controlling my life to face it, preparing my heart to reach the goal.

A mum could be your best friend ever. I’ve heard of this a thousand times before I really feel it for myself. I used to think my mum easily get angry when I was little. She was the best creative beautiful mum I adored. But she was kinda hard to me. Maybe I was a difficult kid back then. As a loner, I kept everything for myself. I hated the situation when we moved from Jakarta to Bandung on the year 1992. I lost my close friends, the neighbor families I went with to Central Java together, the school a block away from my house, the house complex I grew in. I lost it all when my dad received the job as a hospital director in Bandung. I became a loner and my mum was about to get me to a psychologist bcuz I kept silent and liked to lock myself inside my room. Not a really nice room but I just like being alone and felt all those loneliness, the pain and the longing feelings. I was kinda sick perhaps.

But entering the junior high years, I found it was more difficult to bear—with a group of jealous girls envied me—but I found friends there. I met my best friend Irma, my first guy group to whom I feel just like their little sister and my first love Freddy here.

My mum was easier on me during these 3 years but I still found it was difficult to be open to her and be comfortable discussing my own feelings. I tended to talk only about my friends and that was why she knows my friends well. And she started getting herself care, she got her own style with all the short-hair, cool outfits: her most favorite boots, nice bags, leathered-jacket, hipster-pants, sexy shirts… I adored her in different view now, I was proud of her and felt so happy each time I heard a friend said ‘your mum rocks’.

In high school years, I started getting lots of friends. I started getting open and I guess this was the time I start my sanguinic character. I was a melancholic before. The only part remains is the phlegmatic one, this is what keeping me stay peace with my surroundings. I started adapting her outfits, borrowed her stuffs, copying her style.

Then I went to Jakarta for a year. Back to Bandung, I got more close with my mum. I start to discuss my feelings, my perceptions and my visions. She understands me. During my study in MADC, she became my best friend.

I’ve found my own style and sometime my ‘rebel’ character took the lead. And my friends fall in love with her. She is loved by everyone who knows her. But she’s still a choleric person, so strict to certain things, especially about her principals and rules. I learned from her lotsa things. I got my own principals and my own rules.

These last 3 months started January 2006 Ester became this house’s temporary member. She stays here for couple of days every few weeks. I really glad my family welcome Ester to this home and we treat her just like she was a part of us. We had fun together, shares late night girl talks. And when I go to school, she enjoys talking with my mum. Just the two of them like best friends do. They even share secrets. I know all the secrets too but the fact that my mum takes it all made me realize how modern-thinking my mum is.

I still got some dirty little secrets I keep from my mum until now. It’s kinda hard to show her just all me, naked. I still have my underwear on. But to see how Ester and Livia reveal all them to my mum, it made me think that I could treat my mum just as my friends do. I could tell her all my dirty little secrets too cuz my mum told me her deepest secret and I didn’t even react to it and I keep it for myself though it is kinda hurting me, make me kinda stressed to think about it. I react calm instead. And I just keep it for myself.

So I tried to give her feedback. I tried to tell her my dirty little secrets. But she came to kinda shocked though I know she knew it too. She said she could accept all other people’s secrets but it’s kinda hard to hear her own first and matured daughter’s. I was surprised to see her reaction. She tended to be angry to hear it. So I stopped. I didn’t reveal all. Perhaps she hasn’t ready yet to hear it from me now. Perhaps it’s becuz I am almost always single and it’s kinda hard to hear me talking some serious shit about relationship to the future. Perhaps I should keep it just like this for myself and my best friends. I still don’t feel comfortable talking about these to my mum, even we shared everyday together in the same house, we’ve been through all the good and bad in life, mad and love each other so deeply. But it seems that mother can’t always be the best of best friend.

What about you? Can you share ALL of your stories with your mum, or your dad, or with your siblings? I tend to be introvert to my sister, my brother and my dad. I told my stories but keep the secrets from them. I need comment or reply here. I wanna know how deep/far a part of family should know about you? Thanks for your participation here. I love you my friend!

They say I am a partygoer now (some say I am a hip-hoper). Wow. Never occurred to me before, but I am kinda enjoying this new lifestyle now. I go to club only on Saturday and Wednesday. Saturday bcuz it’s weekend, and Wednesday bcuz it’s R’n’B nite and I get a day off on Thursday. How fun this could be?

Go to clubs with my most beloved friends, danced all night long, sighting cute guys and get socialized. I also meet important people lately. Being introduced to café owners in Bandung, all those managers or marketing people I’d need in the future, they-think-they’re-cool-and-important communities… I get to know more people than ever now, tho my friends are twice normal people has.

Walking through the alleys and corridors, cafés to cafes in Ciwalk, is my deepest joy. Cuz in Ciwalk I can see many of peoples, most of them I know, the rest are new faces to me—to see their habits, their funny faces or weird costumes—to make fun of them is a thing to do with friends. This is not cool, but fun though. And in Ciwalk we can always update—the latest style to wear, the latest actual gossips about friends hook up with whom, the latest stuff they sell in store. And just walk there to show our own latest style, partner or friends.

Ciwalk is kinda must-go place for me and most of people in Bandung. It’s like PS or EX in Jakarta with a total different atmosphere or lifestyle. But it’s all the ‘must-go’.

For clubbing and drinking, well you might find this new to me, but I already start these years ago. But now I ask people to join me. I got free passes from friends and I could bring as much friend as I want. I am getting used with Amare’s every corner. I am getting used of arriving home 3 a.m. Not a good habit. But I am enjoying it cuz I can feel that this is not gonna last forever. Soon my friends are getting married-brought abroad by their future husbands-or just busy making money. But this is my life now. I live for today, not try to worry about tomorrow cuz I’ve been there before, and it really made me stressed and depressed. Cuz what I want is not always what I get. But this lifestyle right now I can enjoy to its every beat of the music, every single move of the dance, and every single drop of the alcohol.

To feel flying when the music’s high, it is so hot! Plus a cute guy to dance with, it’s just perfect. I am still enjoying this single wild and free life now. But soon, I have to make up my mind, what to do next. Whether it is to catch the rich & famous or to go abroad or just be the ordinary girl here with background interior designing education plus some writing skill and natural friendly and supple character. I dunno yet. And not gonna think of it too hard. I am just gonna be flowing with the current. And see what life will get for me.

What is a marriage? Though we’ve heard it since we were kids, but what is it actually? My friends start being married, one by one, and it finally reaches one of my bestfriend.

After Icha (Marissa) told me she was getting married this year to a guy she dates for the last 2 years (she told me about 6 months ago and I am gonna be her bridesmaid), I heard more of my friends were getting married. My high school friends especially, like Evi, Deasy, Alief, Harry, etc. But they were never my bestfriend.

Now, about a month ago, my very bestfriend told me that it came to her turn—with a total stranger!!! It was a relief to find the guy was charming and mature and well—though he is too old for me or her, age 34—but he adapted well. He could talk with all of Ester’s friends without giving a feel of age difference.

After the first meeting with my bestfriend’s future husband, it came to me and Irma this thought. That eventually our friends will get married—and this kinda worried us. What will we become without Ester near us? What will we do if Livia’s gone, too? Not that we’ve never get separated before. Livia spent 3 years abroad and I lived in Jakarta for a year. We lost contact with Ester once, but now we’re in our best performance. We gather as often as we can, and we just love each other so much!

And now that one by one will finally get married, choosing our own way of life, I was afraid. Afraid of losing such gentle, loyal, close friends who love me for me and help me get through the stormiest weather.
The idea of getting married really scares me. We already knew that Ester’s greatest passion is to build her own family, to find the perfect fatherly husband and to raise the children of her own with love—to build her little castle.

But the next news we got was that she was going to live in Aussie with this new boyfriend. They are getting married in that kangaroo country, and—this really shocking for me—I would probably lose her forever!

Not that I never wanted to go abroad myself. I was always dreaming of getting married and be brought to USA or somewhere Europe with my future husband. But I am forgetting those dreams for a while bcuz I am still in trauma with my latest relationship, and I am still enjoying being surrounded by my soul sisters and those guys who wait out there just to have a bit walk and talk with me. All of these happen here, in Bandung, and I couldn’t love Bandung more than ever. This is the city where I get all the best of friends and greatest lesson in life ever.

Back to getting married, I am still afraid of finding my own destiny. You know all those feelings when the two of your bestfriends walk with their partners and you are walking by yourself, with them.

I experienced it yesterday. Usually I am okay with the situation. After my breakup with Ferdie, I am more stable and calm. We always hang out at Ciwalk where everybody was coupled and it feels like I was the only single there, with Irma. But now it is different. Irma starts working at Panin Life now, with normal work hours that mean I can not ask her to company me on weekdays anymore.

It leaves me to face this couple thing alone. It really suck, it is. I know that my bestfriends never thought of what I am thinking. But my heart felt it. When they were feeding each other with such tender and gentleness, I ate alone. And when they were fighting becuz of such little stuff, I got only myself to talk to. The worst situation I could handle was to sms Irma immediately to get myself better. Cuz it was really suck. To all singles in the world, I know you must share the same feeling with me for this case.

Then I was thinking—the same thoughts with Ester’s and Livia’s—to get a boyfriend. So at least I could have a guy to talk to when my friends were busy with their own. And I could have him drive me home so my bestfriend’s boyfriend won’t be too tired to drive me all the way to North before driving their girlfriends back to South. And the most important thing is—I can kiss. Well, this isn’t too important I guess, but MY FRIENDS ARE PERFORMING SUCH ROMANCE SCENES IN FRONT OF ME just like those movies. Make me want it too sometime. I know this is Indonesia. You might be surprised at what we could do here, copying what we saw in movies.

But I ain’t looking for a guy for those reasons. I want love. And I want two-ways affection. That means I must love the guy and he must love me too. Not making him my guy for driving me or just to company me. I want a mutual relationship. And I’ve found the guy that I love and the guy that I really want to spend my lifetime with. The two dumped me. They left me alone and leave me with all the lessons to get more mature in this life. I don’t blame them. I don’t regret it. But I just want the love.

I am just curious what will happen next in my life. Will I find the right guy? Will I do the same as what Livia says: to find the guy who loves me, and all that matter is to learn to love him. Or will I be still a single just like Irma? Actually I have no desire to get married this soon like Ester. Livia’s plan is in 4 years. Maybe Irma’s time will come sooner than her. But I bet I’ll be the last to be married bcuz of my difficult and complicated idea of my future life.

What do you think of a marriage? Please comment this post or send an email to vq17@yahoo.com, I will appreciate your correspondent very much. I really need to know what your idea of marriage, since mine is really weird and complicated, I can’t understand it either.

Finally, I reached the age 22. Not so young but not old either. Just like in the song ‘100 Years’ by Five For Fighting… maybe he took the number because important things happen in this age. For me, yes, I’ve through all those evolution and revolution and changes happened. And now, at the age of 22, I am confident enough to say that I’m no longer a girl, now a woman.

My birthday party—like the previous 22 years before—is without a man to whom I share the first bite of the cake. But I am surrounded by my beloved friends, the EVIL girls with their partners plus my brother Ben and also Liana who just came back from Aussie. We just spent the casual Friday night walking around at Ciwalk, as usual. And we had dinner at Kafein Ardan, my most favorite resto there, bcuz of the taste and the price. It was ought to be an ordinary dinner.

But after a while of waiting, Ester came with her boyfriend with a chocolate cake and a candle lit in her hands, singing ‘Happy Birthday’ and everybody else were singing too and I was surprised. I always love surprises. Then we ordered food and we ate till we were full—delicious food indeed—then we played billiard at Score… we just had so much fun, especially for me, bcuz I was surrounded by my closest friends.

We were kinda replaying what we did at Ester’s bday eve. Dinner at Kafein Ardan then played pool table at Score. The members were almost the same, except for Liana (Japra). Even Ester got my bday candles blown for her bday… kinda weird it was cuz we used the same cake twice but she didn’t blow a candle a month ago and we share the same age of 22. So she made a wish too that nite. Everybody must know what my wish was. What else?? =)

I got a yellow girlie tank top, a white sexy T-shirt, a cute Emily the Strange wallet, a novel book from my bestfriends and I just felt so happy of my birthday this year—though I didn’t have a boyfriend beside me, still.

I could never imagine if my life here in Bandung is without these girls. The first I ever knew is Irma, the oldest of us all. I knew her from our elementary school years but we’re getting close and became best friends since our 3rd grade of junior high in Prova. She’s kinda chubby (on the way of getting thinner), but she’s pretty, diligent, and wants details from everything—from gossips to work descriptions. She’s the greatest listener I’ve ever have in the universe and she’s been so loyal to me, just like an assistant or secretary perhaps. She plans everything well, loves details and I just couldn’t live a day without talking to her.

The next girl is Ester. We (me and Irma) knew her from a bible camp in Tumpang, Malang, in East Java. We met on the year 2000 and we became very close because she’s such a caring, humorous, wild but beautiful girl. We need her to make us complete. Ester has all the quality of a housewife, she’s all that mature and independent and she’s like the chief of us all. She likes to command and gets ideas about what we’re doing/going next.

I made all these girls met and we just get the chemistry. We all like to hang out, especially at Ciwalk and to have some coffee or just chill at my place—the veranda downstairs with the city view of Bandung facing South

Our friendship is special. It’s like sisterhood. We share all the stories, problems, fun, sorrow, and luckily, we all have different taste and style and type of guys, so we won’t worry of getting in a competition of ladies world. You know all the jealousy and gossip etc.

I am just grateful that I’ve ever know them. They’re my sisters, best friends, all you need to move on from those tragedies or broken hearts. I’d say everybody has to have at least one best friend. I got 3 of the best best friends I could ever ask for. And for that, I am blessed.