Another Victoria's Secrets

I told you I have new friend. I can say she’s now one of my closest friends, and to be shortened, she’s my new best friend.

I haven’t known her for too long. I met her at school and suddenly she became my family member (remember the quote that says friends are family we choose?). She blends in well with my blood-family and my best friends too. She has almost the same interests with mine. And now she’s the only live object I look for every time I reach the campus building.

The problem came when I start hear people talking about her. Now that I am close to her I care to hear every word about her. Not that I am looking for rumors but they just seem to find its way onto my ears so I can hear them.

People’s subjection toward her isn’t a good one. Even people around me had warned me becuz our friendship is too sudden and instant. But I tried (and still) to look in the depths. Face and appearance could lie but soul can not. I try to keep cool and not judging anything too soon. I want to know people to their deepest soul so I should not hear the dogs’ bark out there. Not that I am so crazy in love with this new girl and stop listening to the world but the world don’t know her well and so do I. I keep and save all the opinions about her but I try to be not objective about this.

I know now part of her past, not a good or perfect one. I was once like her when I lost my direction in life. All people experience this too, aren’t they? So why judge others when you know nothing about them? I don’t think it’s a wise act to do. And we all deserve to have the same chance to live life, to have friends, to have fun, to express ourselves, to do something wild once in a while, to seek true happiness and meaning of life, to bring out the best in us, to be happy and peace in life.

And remember that there is no such coincidence in life. People come in our way to teach us something. They are whether here to help us or to give us chance to help them. I still have to be careful in steps that I make. I shouldn’t trust anyone too early. I learned this from experiences, especially toward new people I don’t really know (yet). But giving our love thru real actions are way better than standing behind the back talking and give pity to others.

So I’m gonna stand still and keep my friendship with this new girl. I don’t care what people think about her. I’m gonna give her a chance to find her own happiness and for this I think I can offer her my friendship. I did this too before, to one of my best friend, and see what? She isn’t as bad as what people think of her. She can be a good girl when her surroundings support her and I think my new girl now deserves the same chance.

How difficult it is to be a human? How many rules we have to obey in life? I found this kind of difficult to live in my neighborhood. I have some friends who have some issues. Actually everybody have issue, including me. But this time is the peak of all the entire 3.5 years of friendship we have.

My classmates are kind of troubled persons. We have some ridiculous periodical ritual. We tend to inclusive one of us for some time due no reason. This is funny and so childish, but this is us. I’ve had my own time being the inclusive member but I never took it too personal or too much to think about.

Now they are at their peak. I try to be in neutral position because they are all my friends after all. Now I have to think and act maturely. The class has turned into 2 groups. The one don’t like to be talked behind and the other one is the one who always find trouble for herself (of course in every war there’s always 1 person with special intention in each side and people who are in their party are influenced by their thoughts)

So I take one lesson here. That to live in small town like this we have to keep our mouth and not to speak about other people. But it’s kind of hard to hold our passion to gossip or comment. Well, hard doesn’t mean it can not be done. And we have to not putting our nose to neighbor’s cook. It’s like getting involved to people’s problem and it’s so not to be done here.

People are sometimes too busy commenting about others they forget about their own appearance in other’s eyes. They forget to look into themselves in the mirror and this is the bait to another commenting. Well it just looks so hard to live in my neighborhood.

I tried to investigate to the very root of all this weirdness. I bet there are no other classes like ours in any side of the world. When I figured this out, it all came with the ‘wrong’ perception from one of us. She tends to get all things as competition, she has fights uselessly for unimportant things she calls battle field. I mean, it is normal to do our projects the best. But I made my own projects in my best and not to be the best in class. When there’s ambition, anything can rule and evil comes. But she does all the projects with spirit to win the competitions. The result, she disappointed for not becoming number one.

This triggers her ego and this little disappointment has turned over to jealousy and this isn’t healthy, I’ve felt this awkwardness from years ago but I kept it for myself and my best friend. We never confronted her because it’s gonna be useless to tell a wall about its niche in one side. She is a bit stubborn, FYI.

But now she has made some problem with another girl who is frank to tell people and not gonna think twice to confront anyone who messes with her. So then the war begins, the water in the kettle is boiling.

Why being so childish about all this? To smile every time the other is wounded or to talk about other’s without knowing the truth is a very contemptible thing one can do, especially to friends they have known and be together in the same class the last whole 2.5 years.

At first all I did was just smiling when one side complaining about the other. But this can’t take too long, something hotter is coming however. Now we all have to make move and the first side had invited us all to a gathering next week. The other side had told their (I mean, she and her party) grudges to the other side.

I told them that this class is not a battle field or beauty pageant competition. We aren’t rivals, we are all friends. So why not to care more about other’s goodness and care less about their faults. Everyone makes mistakes in their lives, at least once. No people are as holy as God and even saints did sins in their old lives. People have their own issues and they all fight to beat them to be a better person.

So stop exploiting other’s flaws. Check ourselves before try check your neighbor. And put hatred and jealousy and hurt feelings away from us. We wanna make this world a better place to live, not to be more difficult. I think they just have to learn to be mature. And to take note that people are varied from races, religions, characters so with interaction we are all learn to face various kind of people. I hope this class is getting better I’m kind of tired to hear all the grudges every time I meet one of them.

Got too much information in a long day could be quite a burden and tiring. Like a computer that hangs becuz it receives too many orders and tasks (I took this analogy from Mark Haddon’s novel about an autistic boy ‘The Curious Incident of the Dog in Night-time’. Perhaps we should really learn to study details from autistic, sometimes they can describe about something with excellent precise details).

I passed one such day today (this blog was made on Sept 21, 2006). I followed one yogi-pilates class this morning with Mum and Luppi. Then I came to campus by 10 a.m. for team discussion and my lecturer gave me and Tessa some job.

I got the first nag from Tessa during lunch. This was an issue about a troubled girl in our class. That quite made me upset by what she had said but well it wasn’t my problem anyway. So we continued killing time by checking out photos of ours at Singapore. I ran down for some fresh liquid and met Terry with his problem. I tried to help but the fact was sort of bothering me—though it wasn’t my problem at all.

Time for Tessa to leave and I was alone. But not for too long, cuz I met Luppi and the boys outside. We talked—which were more of listening to repeated Anang-KD’s song ‘Tak Pernah Menyesal’. Then it was 3 p.m. already and I went for my class.

We were dismissed before 5 p.m. and I went online for hot spot at Food Federation in GWM campus building. When it got late I moved to SGS building and finished my Jostein Gaarder’s ‘The Ringmaster’s Daughter’ book. And I waited there till after 6 p.m. when finally Ben came.

But before that I had to figure out another friend’s issue. Not that I buy it but it was kind of overwhelming to know people’s bad stuff all in one day. It was kind of proving that no one in this world worth trusting. Especially new people we met. Best friends and family are different subjects. Yeah I think I got too much information today—though you would say ‘what should you care about it? That’s their problems, not yours!’ But somehow they got passed my ears and delivered to my brain and got processed and kept in a memory file somewhere in this head. Somehow these are new information to be sorted about.

At home Clemy asked me to tell stories, gossips, news, like any hot topic to hear. The freshest story I got today was about the issues. So I went there burst out anything I got today and I just felt so sick after that so I turned on my DVD player and watched some movies to help me feeling better. The result was kind of helping—along with 4 bars of Beng-Beng chocolate of course. But I still had to throw these up to somewhere else. And it’s nowhere but to Mario’s ear. So I called him and blabbing and then I got all this just better. Cuz I finally share ‘the burden’ with someone I trust.

And I dunno why this came today but I guess some good news also coming my way. My dean just messaged me and offered me another referenced job. Well perhaps we call it as a ‘promotion’ in working world. And I said yes and this is good though I dunno yet what should I do for it.

But today I had such day by listening to people’s issues and taking 2 jobs from lecturers which were all new tasks for me to hold. Just enough for today I hope tomorrow everything just gonna be better…

I am overjoyed for the last few days. Not becuz I got new crush but I got new best friend. Well it’s still too early to call her a best friend. We just hang out 2-3 times. But I feel strong connection with her. We have sort of same style, same taste, same hobby but not all.

Perhaps I match with girls in initial L. I have already 3 best friends in initial L. Lely, Livia and Lita, or even my mum Linda. And now it’s Luppi. Perhaps L and V are good together, nice combination like LV of Louis Vuitton? Well I am just blabbing but hey, this is good cuz I’ve never thought I could add new best friend on my list, at least before I leave Bandung town.

Luppi is exactly my twin side, we love Jakarta lifestyle to death but we like living in Bandung for its weather. We don’t really like too-Chinese guys or anyone with blonde-dyed hair and we love Donny ‘Ada Band’ very much. We have a similar body type and we interested in yoga and art and shop and hanging out a lot. And these can lead us to have good friendship in the future.

I am so glad for all the blessings I get everyday, for the friends that are “family that we choose”. Though I am not flooded by wealth or a glamorous lifestyle but everything that happen everyday is such blessings to me. And it’s much better to have friends who love me than stacks of gold in bank. Especially with friends who share the same interest with me. I am so glad I found Luppi at campus. Now I have a company to do yoga and shop and have some cream bath or just talking about girls’ stuff, which is good cuz my other girls are now busy with their own paths.

I am very excited. The latest weekend was extraordinary. First, I joined my class to Muara Angke Wetland Center, Jakarta on Friday morning. We arrived around 10.30 a.m. and took pictures and notes about the site condition. There were swamp and dirty river and very unmanaged buildings.

After some photo sessions of narcisstic people, we got bored and hot, but then a surprise came—in form of a Nicolas Saputra—in flesh! The girls went excited and made a little queue for another photo session. Then the group went to Mangga Dua Square and shopped there before leaving the capital city.

And I separate myself from the gang and took taxi to Mario’s place. We waited till work time ended then went to my cousin Iwan’s place. I continued the night with Iwan played billiard at Golden Green while Mario went to work. I played billiard for 3 hours, that was great, and also Reza joined us after 10 p.m.

Saturday noon, I and Iwan found my schoolmate Luppi’s cousin’s house and took her out to Senayan City. We chat at Starbucks and Mario joined us before it was getting dark and we must go home. By 6.30 p.m. we had already at home preparing Uncle Mike’s birthday celebration. The whole big family was gathered, included Anna’s boyfriend Rio, ka Olin’s boyfriend Reza, my boyfriend Mario and my friend Luppi. This was great. Cuz this was the first time ever we brought up young newcomers. I mean, the next generation had grown up.

Then it was 9 p.m. I, Mario, Ben, mas Benny, ka Iwan and Luppi went to EX Plaza and chilled out at Hard Rock Café. The band was great, they played top 40 songs especially the reggae and hip-hop beats. Then Balawan ‘The Magic Fingers’ performed featuring some DJs. But we didn’t really enjoy it cuz the genre wasn’t really ours.

Time came for us to go home then. We traveled around Jakarta from Kebon Kacang to Cipinang, from Senopati to Kedoya. Well that was tiring but that worth it.

Today I and Ben was fetched by Dad by 8.30 a.m. and we spent some hours at Aunt Magda’s home before had lunch at Blenger Burger. I got another pleasant surprise by meeting Nina and Donny by accident. And then we went back home to Bandung by 3 p.m. and got some rest before 5 p.m. mass at The Cathedral. And so it is, the pleasant weekend of mine after being awfully uncertain and hesitated and confused. Hope tomorrow will go more smoothly than yesterday…

Olga, the little dog pet of ours had gone. She went on September 9, 2006, 3 p.m. by fell down the stairs and died on my dad’s lap. She went when all of the family members are at home and she died peacefully.

This is good, cuz she had suffered such great pains since being attacked by neighbor’s herder then she was dying once about a year ago but she survived and kept alive but now, this is just her time to go. She had made us panicked for some times before she finally went away. She had been shaking and stiffed once in a while and also did last Wednesday midnight. That was the worst she had ever suffered.

But then again she had survived I thought she was actually a cat with nine lives. But I was kidding. Well we guessed she was waiting for my dad to come home (he is working in Jakarta) to go. But it was great cuz we were all in home when she died. So we were all there attended her burial.

The thing is that I can’t stand it when I saw her suffering all the pains. When she was lying helpless holding her pain without any sound she was just taking her breathe deeply and closed her eyes. God how could I stand to see an animal dying helplessly without any ability to tell us what she feels or wants or anything.

That’s why I don’t want to have a pet. I can’t take care of them cuz I’m not a very caring person. And I don’t like to communicate with something that doesn’t speak to me. And dogs don’t speak. We can understand but I don’t think I can. So that’s why I don’t really seem too keen of caring of dogs. Not that I don’t like them, I just don’t like to take care of them and to see them suffer.

So I just wanna say these last words to my late doggie. So long Olga! It was been a great 6 years with you here. And now that you’re gone, we’re all gonna miss you. And I am sorry if ever I did something bad to you. I do hope you doing great in there. (don’t think I’m crazy to talk to a dead animal, I just wanna give her some last words)

We reunited last Friday, for the first time since 4-5 years ago… It began when I met Lely at MSN one day then we promised to meet then the meeting was arranged with Ester and Irma too…

And there were we, the 4 of us, together again at The Atmosphere. We shared stories, latest updates about us. How it was different since the last time we were together. Now we are talking about marriage and future plans when it used to talk about guys and school and dreams.

But not much changing because we are still the same person we were back then. I don’t see the change in me-Ester-Irma, because we meet at least once in 2-3 weeks. But Lely stays the same. She’s still this active woman who doesn’t want to grow up. She’s the eldest among us but she acts the youngest. She was still with her unique language and shouted it out loud, she was still the brownies (browndong-manies) lover and now she’s as unoccupied as me and Ester. Irma is the one who works full-time now.

The meeting was great it officially erased the ‘ex-link’ between me and her. We talked as if the F guy never existed between us but at the same time we discussed about him. Well, I never think this was a problem with me—or with her. He’s just the ‘ex’ word, the past guy. So the group was back into 4.  Plus 1 more L which stand for Lita, in Jakarta. I hope the friendship-sisterhood can last forever, no matter how far or long we are separated.

Ada apa dengan diriku? Rangkaian kata-kata dapat merobek selaput yang melindungi hatiku dan membuatnya hancur berlinangan air mata. Hanya dengan kata-kata. Belum mengalaminya. Seakan dapat kurasakan kepedihan yang dialami seisi dunia dalam satu momentum.

Baru beberapa menit yang lalu aku selesai membaca novel Andrei Aksana, Lelaki Terindah. Dengan kedua tokoh utama pria, kisah cinta terlarang itu menyentuh hatiku dan mempertanyakan keberadaanku. Mengapa menjadi galau hati ini, dan segenap rasa takut menyergap?

Teramat dalam rangkaian kalimat yang dirangkai indah namun kejam itu merasuk ke dalam pikiranku, membuat otakku bekerja dalam kepanikan. Entah mengapa hatiku merintih, kisah itu telah menggores sedikit sampul kotak kecil yang telah kubungkus rapi dan kusimpan jauh di ruang terdalam hatiku agar tak terusik.

Namun yang kubaca hari ini sungguh mengganggu benakku, seolah tiada lagi dunia yang berputar di luar sana. Yang terjadi hanyalah aku di dalam sepi ruangan berdinding 4 itu dan helaian-helaian kertas putih bertinta hitam yang membuatku betah berjam-jam menekuni baris demi baris, halaman demi halamannya.

Kotak kecil bersampul itu kini naik ke permukaan. Dan jutaan pertanyaan yang seharusnya disimpan itu mulai keluar dari penjaranya. Hatiku sakit. Menahannya dalam kegelapan saja sudah melukai jiwa ini. Mengapa pertanyaan-pertanyaan itu harus timbul sekarang? Di mana tak ada makhluk yang dapat menjawabnya, karena aku tak sanggup mempertanyakannya dengan suara?

Dan apa yang terjadi dengan pertanyaan-pertanyaan tanpa jawaban? Mereka terkungkung namun ingin lepas. Tapi ada apa di luar jeruji sana? Kebebasan tidak selalu berarti kebahagiaan. Dan jawaban selalu ada di dalam diri, di dalam inti. Tanpa perlu pergi jauh untuk mencari.

Namun aku belum menemukan, walau sudah berulang kali memaksakan jawaban yang kukarang sendiri. Dapatkah kutemukan jawabannya suatu saat nanti? Ingin kutumpahkan segalanya di sini, agar kau memahamiku. Agar kau dapat meredakan kegelisahan ini, menghalau kegalauan ini, menyembuhkan luka ini. Namun aku tak bisa. Dan kini aku mengundang tanya yang lain. Yang seharusnya tak perlu dibahas agar tak perlu kujawab. Anggap saja ini hanya racauan sejenak akibat menelusuri kisah yang sangat menarik dan menggoda naluri seorang penulis.

Hati ini sakit dan terlukai. Antara keinginan dan kepatuhan. Antara realita, idealisme dan utopia. Antara hak dan kebutuhan. Hak untuk memilih. Kebutuhan untuk bebas. Dan takkan ada yang akan pernah mengerti, karena kita semua terlahir sendirian. Pada akhirnya nanti kita juga mati sendirian. Karena itulah manusia menyimpan bebannya sendirian. Pembagian tidak selalu berarti keringanan. Dan aku sedang belajar untuk menyendiri.