Another Victoria's Secrets

It’s like a curse. Or a gift, I’m not sure.
The thing is I’m always in between. I’m a product of mixed English-Chinese-Bantenese which each has different culture, taste, habit, priority and way of thinking.

And I’m just traveling between Jakarta and Bandung, living in both cities like a wanderer. While I’m in Bandung my soul, heart and focus is in Jakarta and vice versa.

Now I took a test about masculine-feminine brain, and the result is I’m just in the border between two brains. That means I’m good enough to think like a man and do things like a woman. This is a benefit, but it’s confusing though.

I am so COMPLICATED, I knew this since forever. I have girl friends but I like to hang a lot with boys. I have friends in Bandung but Jakarta can always make me wanna come back in every chance I got. I have Chinese offspring friends, native taste and Western thinking.

Gosh it would be a lot easier if you are a true Chinese offspring or pure blonde or very native cuz being in between like me always emerged confuses, hesitations and dilemma. You’d know where your place is while I’m still wandering finding the right place for myself.

Not that I don’t have home or true friends or even lover. I have all those. But I always find difficulties on knowing who I AM, where I have to be, how I am supposed to do, which group I have to inhabit in.

Like now I found this Capoeira kids from Unpar are fun to be with, I fall in love with the acrobats/sport/martial art and all those Brazilian folklore songs. I even learned how to hit the atabaque, the drum special for Capoeira music. It’s like finding the part of you you’d never know you lose but you just love it like it had always been in your blood. But it’s just opposite the world I am in all these times. All the friends I had.

This influence the way I act but my guy just has his own ideals and I’m struck by them. Well maybe I dramatized this a bit but hey if you are me, you’d understand. I have a free soul inside here, wanting to fly happily in the blue sky, try any possibility I could have. But again, the golden cage just caught me here, limiting my moves.

I love my guy, he’s the best. But the things between us are just TOTALLY different. I can adapt, of course I can. But can he? Can he understand all my friends, my habits, my nature character and let me be just the way I am? He says he can, but in fact I’d just struck by the rules again. And those rules are tying me, caged me, though they are made of golden or diamond. It just doesn’t work here, in my head.

Another dilemma, I think God put that little word to go on with me on the day of my creation. Maybe this is the way I’m living my life. Others live in fight, struggling for what they want. Some live in hesitation, hatred, hate, in need of admission, but I live with DIFFICULT CHOICES and DILEMMA.

How about you???

Finally the modeling sessions are over. I am now busy with other stuff: completing projects and take care of my relationship. This isn't easy pals. My boyfriend just told me there's a good book called Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps by Allan and Barbara Pease. Well, if you are in a relationship then you have to read this stuff.

The book tells us all we need to know about our opposite sex. About their nature characters to their sex habits and needs. By knowing these, you can help yourselves in the relationship you are now in. I am still working on the book and the practicing my self but also have so many things to do and much thinking inside of my head.

My best friend is breaking up from her 14-months-relationship and my other best friend is still dunno what she's up to in life. It's actually not my problems but when it comes to a girlfriend, it became her problems too (just read the book I recommended).

While now I am working on a project given by Licky, it's kinda motivate me to keep being in this interior designing world. He's making a new concept of clothes store, talking about candy all over the shop. This is something new and refreshing beside all those distribution store (distro) all over the country and factory outlets in Bandung. I hope I can help Licky and his friends to make this dream come true.

This is fun. I gotta new activity now being a model. Wow!

Don’t think of professional model or something, no. I am just being a model for drawing model classes. Not bad I earn lots of money here though I have to stay still waiting for the students to draw me. This is funny how 20-25 students draw my figure, my face, my gesture. The results were various. Some drew me really good I’m surprised how imaginative these young people are. They are about 3 years younger than me. But some drew me so bad I wanted to mad and laugh but that’s okay cuz the good ones are quite pleasing.

The bad part is that I had to sit in some pose in more than 1 hour. In the first meetings they made it 2x1 hour per class but now it’s the second week, they made it 1x1.5 hours per class so I had to find the most relax pose I had to be in for the next 1.5 hours. If not, I’d get numb in legs or hands and butt.

The funny thing is I can see various persons. There is a girl who always wears orange. She’s like the Orange Girl but not like one in Jostein Gaarder’s novel. She wears orange shirt and orange shoes and orange framed spectacles with orange bag and orange wallet and orange cell phones. The only thing that isn’t orange in her is only blue jeans. But her drawings are good.

The other funny student I notice is a boy with curly hair and odd body figure he looks like a joker in kingdom if he wears joker’s costume. He’s good in drawing but he always put his tongue out while he’s drawing he looks so funny to look at once in a while.

The other students are just ordinary. I can see their characters by their drawings and outfits. This is fun but also boring and made me sleepy. The money is worth it so it’s just okay with me. Haha…