Another Victoria's Secrets

I went to Ciwalk and met Livia there by 1 p.m. today. I joined the UNICEF donation finally! I’ve put it on my planner months ago but I never joined them every time I walk past UNICEF stand in Plaza Senayan or anywhere else. So I thought, why not now? It made me feel kinda important to (at least) help children and be one step closer to Angelina Jolie’s profile (LOL).

I and Livia had some chat and beverages at Kafe Pisa and waited for Troy and we moved to PVJ and went around there (had pretzels at Auntie Anne’s, played shooting game at Timezone, tried some of Nine West shoes at Sogo stand—I really like two pairs of them but can’t afford it, had some reflexology massage at Ogawa shop and finally just chilled out at Blitz Terrace) till 6.30 when Alex arrived. Then Livia went home and replaced by Syannie, Yune and Dammy and I introduced them to Reny, Lucy and her boyfriend.

We chilled out at Newspaper Lounge and we had this gathering till 9 p.m. Though the ‘introduction part’ didn’t go too well (there were no movement from the guy’s side) but it was nice to have many people I know around me. Also I haven’t met Yune since the SMP reunion 2 years ago and now she’s divorced from her 2 months marriage, the news is too refreshing for me; old friends, new stories. And it was a reunion for Alex and Dammy, too.


[troy, yune, alx, syannie, dammy, me]

During the ‘go out’ I met Nadia my friend from elementary and junior high school, Adi my senior in Aloysius, Andri ‘Bamz’ my junior at campus, Paul Tyo (another cousin of Ian) and many others. I met so many people I haven’t met for a while so it was such a refreshing to me. And when we went to fetch Ria (Alex’s ex girlfriend) at Ochie’s place, I met Julius my former classmate at campus in front of the apartment complex near Setra Sari. That was so usual for me to meet friends every where but not for Alex.

The networking is so working since Alex and Troy always said that I am the broadest networker they have ever known; my friends are too many! Maybe they were right but for me, it’s not gonna stop here, I must keep on networking; it’s fun for me and I think I really have to work on Public Relation department instead of Interior Designing cuz I deal well with people more than I can deal with AutoCAD or Adobe Photoshop. But I’ll try to find work in my major for now. I have to try once at least…

Still, the portfolio isn’t ready yet, I’m having fun with the super-long-and-relax holiday. Oh V what are you waiting for???

I just got back from Jakarta--again, for the 4th time this month which completed my Jakarta trip every weekend for the month.
I met Army at Oh La La Dago (24/11) by 8.30 a.m. and visited Irma at her home first that morning before went to Jakarta. Then I, mum, Bent and Aunt Sisca went to Jakarta for Clemy’s 19th birthday.
We met Clemy and her new boyfriend Randy (who’s more famous with nickname Kuia) and had dinner together at Putri Bali restaurant at Puri then we delivered them home before we went to Gading to stay overnight there.

The next day began by 10 a.m. and we went to Gading Square to buy Clemy a bicycle then to Artha Gading Mall to have lunch with Aunt Agnes and kids. The kids, Raphael and Manuel, just accepted their krisma sacrament and we continued to chill at Kelapa Gading Mall 2-3. We had some Charmy snow ice portions and tried shoes at Sogo to kill time… and finally night came and Clemy came by Trans Jakarta bus with Kuia to Gading. So we had the birthday feast at Warung Seafood opposite Gading Square.

Bent and I drove Clemy and Kuia home, went back to Gading with Livia on the phone almost all the way home (then Deysi called for 1 minute after that) and suddenly the old ghost from the ‘quarter-life crisis’ case haunted me again.

And all the way to Bandung today, I kept on thinking about my life, the whole last month's experiences that I spent all weekends in Jakarta meeting new people and the weekdays in Bandung meeting old friends. And about the love I just threw out (I must be made of steel, 'The Weezer' really knows me). Then I thought about my future.

Jakarta is the town I really love, it’s where my whole family live, where I met great friends, where I think I can achieve more for my career. But it’s also a tough metropolitan city where I’d have to fight alone and start from zero cuz it’s extremely big (tho I’ve started my network a little there).
And I always love my hometown Bandung. My home is super cozy and welcoming, my friends are the closest there (name Livia, Irma, Ester, Alex and my schoolmates from elementary to high school) and the life is super-relax here. But there’d be no challenge for my career life.

I’ve got so many ways I have to choose in front of me and still I haven’t make any decision yet for the last 5 months (my study finished by July 17th) and I’m like walking on the same place; not producing anything beside my freelance job for Joyce Smith last September and my house renovation for the last month.



Livia called and told me about her make up with Ian (they broke up last Thursday and back together by Saturday) and their (her, Irma and Yanto) visit to Ester’s home to deliver the gift and see the baby. But I’m still bothered with Ester’s habit to ruin my thoughts so I think I’m not gonna visit them in short time. And it suddenly bothered me the fact that Livia got back together with Ian; tho I think they’re really perfect for each other.

I dunno what to think right now. I feel so lonely and I have no ambition to reach my future. I miss my Mario but I’m still afraid to call him; I’m scared that I would fall again with him cuz he’s so lovely and sweet and he feels so ‘mine’. He made me really think that he loves me and there’s no one before and after me; that he belongs to me; that we’re made for each other and bla bla bla. But in fact, I can’t live by his rules and neither can he by my rules. We are too dominant for each other and it’s not really healthy for our souls.

And I’m forbidden to contact Freddy and I have no future with Yodi and I still think that I’m not designed to be coupled so it’s like living the life that I want but not having people that I want… I’m not really sure what it’s like to live like this. I feel so empty but in the same time I feel so full of life. And I’ve treated my self not to be too spoiled with feelings and I’ve told my mind not to use my heart too often so it’s kind of living like a zombie cuz I can’t feel my heart now. I miss Mario, Freddy and Yodi now; I long for a figure whose loves me and is here for me. But I know it’s not right and I have to be independent, I shall not count on anyone in this world.

Btw Tessa put a comment on my friendster account and said she’s supporting me with my thoughts and to keep on living the life which made me comfort most. It’s really a nice relief to find someone who (at least) tries to understand me. She’s always on my side tho we have different perspective on life. It’s a really great feeling to have someone always on my back.

But for now, it’s pretty fun to ‘collect’ single friends around me such as Audry and Deysi cuz it really helps to find people who are in the same condition with me. It made me feel not so alone in this world… and it really made me stronger to have such people... And also Livia, Irma, Rachelle, SisQa and Syannie who are there when I need to blab and need someone to meet up with. Thanks for being here with me, girls! ^__^

Networking is necessary and important. Social life is one of our basic needs. But sometimes we have to meet people who aren’t in the same way with us and still have to keep the smile on our face.

I’m never in the same world with Ester. She’s one of my best friends and she considers me her sister. But sometimes she’s a bit too pushy for me. She has her own thoughts and traditions and dreams and perspectives which are different with mine. She thinks more in Mario’s world while I am in the modern western world’s perspective.

So I was a bit troubled when I visited her in her room at RS Limijati for her son and she was kinds of pushing me to touch her baby. It’s gonna be ok for me if nobody pushes me and I can touch him if I want to. But Ester made it a bit too pushy. Well, not to blame cuz he’s her first baby and sure she wants her soul sister to love her son as much as she does. But I’m not her.

What made me angrier was that she discussed my willing not to have baby in front of her not-so-close friends. It meant public. I don’t need to discuss my belief in front of new people, people who don’t really know or even care about me. I don’t need them to know my perspective. I know Ester did it to collect voting for her perspective versus mine. I know she wants me to hear what public say about not having baby. I know that she wants me to be just like her cuz what she has now made her really happy and feels complete as a woman and mother. But once again, I’m not her.

Ester kept pushing me. She mentioned it again in front of Fanny’s mother. Thankfully that Fanny’s mom understood (or at least she tried to understand in the end) about what I thought. Ester said: “Do have a baby for your own, at least one if you don’t want many. If you don’t want to take care of it, give them to your parents to take care.”

Didn’t she hear what I said just before? That IF I had a baby, I don’t want it to be anyone’s, including parents, babysitter, or even maid. It should be mine and I’m the one who’s gonna raise it. By letting anyone else take care of our kids, they’d grow up like people’s ways, not ours. I was mad at her, but well, she’s just delivering a birth and just starts to taste the joy of being a mom.

Can’t blame her, but can’t she just respect what I think, what I want and what I need? Can’t she just accept me as I am, let me be like what I want and just be a good friend to me? Why do people always pushing their willing to me? Why do they always want something from me? Can’t I be just who I am?

Ester also said: “Every parent must want the best for their children. Deep inside they must long for having grandchildren and they must want you to get married and have your own family.”
Hey my parents didn’t say that kind of thing. They respect my perspective and my choice. They sure want me to get married and have babies in the end, but if in fact those things made me unhappy, they prefer to my happiness than having the ‘perfect picture’ of living life.

I always respect people’s thinking, people’s choice on doing particular things. I always try to understand the factors which made them think what they think. I don’t need people to understand me fully cuz they won’t. It’s okay. Like Yodi said, we always can adapt to people, we are flexible, but not many can adapt to us. I just need them to respect my choice to live this life. It’s my life anyway, not theirs. So why bother?

Hidup adalah guru terbaik dari semuanya. Sering kali hidup tidak bicara padamu. Hidup hanya menggoda atau mempermainkanmu. Dalam setiap godaan hidup mengatakan: “Bangun. Ada sesuatu yang aku ingin kamu pelajari.”

Jika kamu mempelajari pelajaran kehidupan, kamu akan melakukannya dengan baik. Jika tidak, hidup hanya akan mempermainkanmu. Orang melakukan dua hal. Sebagian orang membiarkan hidup mempermainkan mereka. Sementara yang lain marah dan balik membalas. Tetapi mereka membalasnya dengan melawan bos mereka, pekerjaan mereka, suami atau istri mereka. Mereka tidak tahu bahwa hiduplah yang mempermainkan mereka.

Hidup mempermainkan kita semua. Beberapa menyerah. Yang lain melawan. Dan sedikit saja yang belajar dari pelajaran hidup dan melangkah terus. Mekerka menyambut hidup yang mempermainkan mereka. Bagi sedikit orang ini, hal itu berarti mereka mau dan ingin belajar sesuatu. Mereka belajar dan terus maju. Banyak yang keluar, dan sedikit yang berjuang dan bertempur…

…Kamu membiarkan kehidupan membuatmu tunduk, menyerah. Jauh di lubuk hati kamu ngeri untuk mengambil resiko. Kamu sungguh ingin menang, tapi rasa takut akan kekalahan lebih besar daripada suka cita kemenangan. Jauh di dalam hati kamu akan tahu bahwa kamu tidak berusaha untuk itu. Kamu memilih untuk bermain dengan aman…

…Jika kamu menyadari bahwa kamulah masalahnya, maka kamu dapat mengubah dirimu, belajar sesuatu, dan tumbuh lebih bijaksana. Kebanyakan orang menginginkan orang lain di dunia untuk berubah kecuali diri mereka sendiri. Saya katakan, lebih mudah untuk mengubah diri anda daripada mengubah setiap orang lain atau mengharapkan orang lain berubah.

[quoted from Rich Dad Poor Dad--Robert T. Kiyosaki]

[meet little hayden]

Ester gave birth finally. It was by 8.17 a.m. on November 18th, 2007 when she survived the Caesar operation. The boy was freshly pink and chubby and weighs 3.5 kg. They named him Hayden Benedict Joswara. The father is so proud and happy and also the grandpa was so excited to carry him.

I watched the mom fed Hayden, and stayed to take care of her till Boyank came by 4 p.m. It was funny to see my best friend finally gave birth after being pregnant for 9 months (supposedly it’s a normal case but she is my best friend and it made everything feels so weird and funny and beyond imagination). Well she’s my age and it feels so different now; having a newborn baby and the whole feeding and caring thing… it felt so scary to me; I think I will never be pregnant and give birth and feeding anyone. It’s just soooo weird and scary!

But it’s another joy for her; it’s her dream by the way; to have a happy little family of her own. And to see her father in law so happy about his newborn grandson; it made me rethink about getting married; surely all parents expect their daughter in law to give them descendant. They must expect newborn babies to cheer up their old days.

It’s so scary to me tho I’ve thought about this about a week ago with a guy I really fall with. But the whole scene I saw at RS Limijati made me rethink about my goals in life and maybe I shouldn’t ever get married. But it also hurts. So I cried myself out last nite for the reason I didn’t really sure. I just put some of my new music collection I got from Yodi on, burnt the fragranced candle and the aromatherapy hio, and lighted my new purple decoration lamps to calm my veins and nerve.

Well maybe I just shouldn’t think too much. Maybe I just have to let it flow. But surely my mind’s not in my real age (most girls at my age are planning to get married and having their babies while I still think to play with guys under my age such as Yodi and friends and also my cousins). I feel like I’m still a sixteen year old with lots of high dreams ahead of going abroad, get a job and being independent of my own, and collect as much money to get me around the world. I’ve no intention of getting married at all. I’m far beyond my girl friends at my age.

Idoy, Tante Suzie (his mum) and Joey came over last Thursday and we met up in For Men Jl. Riau, before we went to GOR C-tra to watch Yoan's basketball match. She came with her team from UPH, then Audry, Idoy's cousin, showed up. I accompanied the family watched it for about 2 hours, then we went for dinner at Black Canyon PVJ.

Then I went to Jakarta again last weekend. But this time I went with Audry by X-Trans Travel and stopped at Fatmawati, there we took taxi to Jl. Haji Nawi to SMP PL. The band had started their performance: Sledgehammer, White Shoes and the Couples Company, then d’Cinnamons as the peak band.

I came there especially to see Sledgehammer’s and diCinnamons’ performances for they are my friends and I who put them there. So I met with my Bandung friends at that SMP, it’s kinda funny tho cuz they’re my SMP (Prova) and SMA (St. Aloysius) mates. See, networking is important and became more needed as we grow up.


Just as the d’Cinnamons finished their last song and the committee put fireworks, Yodi came and fetched me and Audry so we went with him and RW to Kemang and met Alex, Linggar and Yaffi at Tamani. Then we moved to Shisha Café and met Andy, Irma, Karel, Killa and friends there for less than 1 hour. After that we went to Yaffi’s apartment at Sudirman Park and stayed there till 2 a.m. Then we stayed awake till 5 a.m.; I, Audry and Yodi.

The next day began at 11 a.m. for all of us. We met Yodi’s parents and also Ronald, Kak Lisa and Melvina. Then the latter three, I and Audry went to TA to kill time. Each of us (the girls) got shopping bag by the time we went back to Yodi’s house; Audry and Mel bought fashion items, I got cute purple decoration lights, and Kak Lisa got novels.

We came back home by around 5 p.m. and chat with the whole big family (except for me and Mel there) then by 6.30 we departed from home, headed toward Kedoya but then Yodi changed his mind and we went to Plaza Senayan instead. We met Joey there and had dinner at Spaghetti House before finally they took us to my aunt’s place by 10 p.m.


That nite I and Audry chat (with Hizkia also) till 2 or 3 a.m. We discussed some stuff but it brought us closer and I found Audry is a pretty cool girl; different with other my schoolmates. And that morning we went back to Bandung by Baraya Travel at 9 a.m. we felt so close to each other (means I found new friend here). Mum fetched us around 11.30 near Gasibu then we dropped Audry at Unpar where we ended our weekend break.


It was cool and totally refreshing, and the fact that I can befriends with all of Yodi’s cousins is another cool thing for me. Audry can understand me and I really like her; she’s tall, thin, beautiful and easy going. Unlike my other friends, Audry has her own uniqueness. But of course nobody is perfect, nobody can fulfill all of our expectations for a ‘friend’ figure and Audry filled one image I was always looking for; a cool mate to try new things… Meeting new person and trying new things are always interesting for me. It riches my experience and adds variety to my collection of friends.

-WeeZeer-

I'm so tall, can't get over me
I'm so low, can't get under me
I must be all these things
For I just threw out the love of my dreams

He is in my eyes, he is in my ears
He is in my blood, he is in my tears
I think of, and see him every day
Even though my love is a world away

Oh he's got me wondering
My righteousness is crumbling

Never before have I felt this way
No one is right, want for him to stay
I must be made of steel
For I just threw out the love of my dreams

He is in my eyes, he is in my ears
He is in my blood, he is in my tears
I think of, and see him every day
Even though my love is a world away

Oh, he's got me wondering
My righteousness is crumbling
Oh, he's got me wondering
My righteousness is crumbling

Oh, he's got me wondering
My righteousness is crumbling
And I see him every day
Even though my love has walked away

He is in my eyes, he is in my ears
He is in my blood, he is in my tears
I must be made of steel
For I just threw out the love of my dreams

She likes to be in a dream world than to be in reality. She is weak
and sensitive when it's come to "Love". She can cry if her best
friend is breaking up, and she can be over excited when her
friend gets a new boy friend who is a good looking and rich even
it is nothing concerned her at all. You might be surprise to see
that she is shy just because she is in love. More or less it will be
in Pisces woman. She loves small animal and gifted in training
animals.

She has sixth senses and she can guess what will happen next,
it's her nature. Even she has a good sixth senses, she can not pick
or foreseen her own choice of lover. She can not tell if she meet
a sincere guy or a one night stand guy.

She likes to buy and pick her own cloths. She likes to dress cute
and be cute. Pisces woman tend to be a good looking woman and
she has a nice skin. Her hands and feet are small and soft. Pisces
woman loves to shop for shoes as if she collects them. She is a hot
lady that everyone wants her. Whether she has a man in her life
or not, she will never try to over power any man. It's not even
in her thought.

She thinks man can handle things better, and she will make her
man feel that way. She is an easy going person, so being with her
is easy. She is a confident woman and likes to make people who
stay with her happy. She knows how to please and how to
comfort a man. If something is wrong, she will try to make other
people belief that it's must be because of someone else, not
because of her love one. She will not push her man to be
ambition but to make him feel like he should be happy with the
way he is now. She is happy with you for what you are now.

A Pisces woman, if she has a bad childhood, she will always
remember it and it will make her a very unhappy person. She
will pity herself and feel sorry for herself. She tends to hurt
herself with out knowing it and so vulnerable to drugs (real
drugs or just sleeping pills). She has many choices and you
can never tell which path she going to take. If you love her,
then hold her tight because she never knows why she did
what she did or what she will do next.

A complex character: You may think she is a shy innocent
type and can not hurt anyone, then you are wrong. You might
think she is a fragile person who needs protection, wrong again.
She has been through a lot, a tough cookie. She is a dreamer
and love the word "Love", so she is the type who will buy gift
for anyone for any occasion, especially if it is a gift for wedding
or an anniversary even for someone who she does not know
so well.

Be very careful if fall in love with Pisces woman. She can be
a total different person before and after. She can be an angel
before and later a witch, but everyone is not perfect, right?
She will be soft and gentle most of the time, so not to worry.
She is emotional and extremely sensitive when she frequently
got hurt. She is the type who can cry her heart out.

She can have a secret fear inside, when she says she does not
need anyone. She badly needs someone to protect her, but
sometimes she can hide that feeling by being stubborn. She
likes to hide her shyness and her weakness from her enemy.
She does not like to follow any fixed rules. She can be a
good housewife if you know how to handle her.

Many men will ask to marry her because she is a 100%
woman. If she wants to be sweet, she is a real angel.

Andaikan ada dua anggota pemadam kebakaran pergi
ke hutan untuk memadamkan kebakaran kecil.
Setelah selelsai, mereka pergi ke sebuah anak sungai.
Wajah yang seorang hitam penuh jelaga,
sementara yang lain bersih sama sekali.
Siapa di antara mereka yang akan membasuh muka?

Bukan yang wajahnya kotor.
Yang wajahnya kotor melihat wajah temannya yang bersih,
dan dia mengira wajahnya sendiri juga bersih.
Sebaliknya, yang wajahnya bersih melihat wajah temannya kotor,
dan dia akan berpikir:
wajahku pasti kotor juga, lebih baik aku cuci muka.

{Story taken from The Zahir-by Paulo Coelho}

Dalam suatu hubungan juga sama.
Bila yang satu lebih buruk dan yang lain lebih baik,
yang lain akan cepat-cepat kabur
karena melihat keburukan dalam diri yang satu
dan merasa dirinya lebih buruk dari yang dia pikir.

Sebaliknya, yang satu akan terus terlena melihat kebaikan yang lain
dan tidak mengerti mengapa yang lain meninggalkannya.
Selama ini dia menyerap kehidupan dan energi dari yang lain,
merasa bahagia dan penuh percaya diri, mampu melangkah maju. 
Namun yang lain tidak mendapat apapun dari yang satu,
karena itulah dia memilih pergi dan membasuh mukanya.

I went back to Jakarta last Thursday (8/11) with Alex and Yudha, we went to Alex's father's office at Thamrin before we had lunch at Burger King SenCi. We got bored quickly so we moved to Plaza Senayan and chilled out at Kinokuniya before we met Cupi. Then we had dinner at Sushi Tei before went back to SenCi.

Siska waited for me at SenCi so Alex and Yudha brought out my stuff so they could go back to Bandung that nite while I had some 'curhat session' with Siska at Starbucks. K Iwan fetched us at 10 p.m. and drove me to Clemy's kost that nite--but I went aslept by around 3 a.m. for companying her making her projects.

The next day (9/11), I met Dennis at Taman Anggrek Mall. I went by foot and it was not too far from Clemy's crib. It took only 15 minutes walking.
So we had lunch at Gokana Teppan, we had such great sharing moments there, catching up with each other's stories and had some nostalgia together. Then I had to go back to Clemy's kost by 2 p.m.

Yodi told me he'd drive me to South Jakarta (my aunt's place) so I went to his house by around 3 p.m. Apparently, he had a case with his parents by the time I walked in to his house. So I spent hours chatting with his mum (and sometimes with his dad, too) and had moment with him just after that. We had dinner together and then, by 10 p.m., we were allowed to go to fetch Andy at Puri Mall.

Yodi’s dad insisted me to stay over there that nite so we went back to the house by 12 p.m. and watched the boys played Winning Eleven till 2 a.m. after Yodi finished the problem with his parents. Never in my mind occurred an idea to stay over at Yodi’s house, but that’s what happened. I slept at Yoan’s room.

Saturday morning (10/11), we woke up by Andy’s loud voice cuz he woke Yodi up (the rooms of Yodi’s and Yoan’s have a connecting door so I could hear anything happened in that room so loud) and we had our breakfast. Yodi went to the workshop and dropped the Timor car there while I took a shower.

Irma, Andy’s friend, came after 12 and we had lunch together, all the four of us. Then we went to SenCi again (the third of that week for me), went around the huge mall, finally hang out at Starbucks in open air and stayed there till 8 p.m.


There was also Karel, Irma’s and Andy’s friend who joined us, then Killa, Irma’s friend. We then got hungry and had dinner at Rice. Then RW came with Hanna, and we left the building by 11 p.m. We moved to Starbucks Puri but apparently the place was closing by 12 and it had been raining outside so we moved again to Gondrong’s. Alex and Yaffi joined us after their X2 session, but we went home by 2 a.m.

I continued the nite watching Barcelona vs. Getafe match from Spanish League with Yodi but he went asleep and Barca lost the game but I still continued watching Valencia’s game cuz he wanted me to stay there with him… Then I moved to Yoan’s room and met her just in the morning.

Yodi drove me to Clemy’s place by around 10.30 and he played the ‘I Miss You’-Incubus song. I love his track list so much! But it was time for us to get separated. We didn’t say goodbye, we didn’t say anything. It was so calming to my vein that he seems to understand all of my thoughts, my feeling, my mind. So he went, and I was back to my family.

Mum and Dad fetched us before 12 and we had lunch at Warung Pasta, Kemang. Then we went to Jl. Pete and met Oma, too. But we didn’t meet with Hizkia and Lauren. By 6 p.m. we went to TMII to attend Dad’s best friend’s daughter’s wedding. It was with Minangkabau tradition and the party was glamorous—they were the rich men from Padang.

I slept both feeling happy and sad that nite. I had to leave him but we had the greatest moment for ourselves, it supposed to be enough. Cuz the road ahead of me is still a long way to go and I really don’t wanna lose him, so I can’t ever have him either. I think he understands and feels the same so I’m glad and yeah, big girls don’t cry.

Maybe this song was made to represent my situation with Yodi, it fits a lot for me!
But I'm not regretting anything cuz everything that happenned in my life must has its own reason(s).
And to meet and know him is one best thing I ever experienced.

"Perfection is boring," said one of make-up artist.
I agree.

People keeps thinking that I’m perfect: I dunno why. But no, I’m not that perfect. And these people who flattered me lately (Yeah of course some people whose names I won’t mention—but meant a lot to me) gave me new perspective.

I think I am really NOT designed to be coupled. I mean, I only love (truly love) three people my whole life: two of my exs and Yodi. But in fact I couldn’t get together with neither. Lessons keep going on in life. I’m always upgraded. But for love, I think it’s enough. I can fall easily to beautiful people but I think from now on I won’t let anyone get too close with me. I’d make exceptional only for my Livia Sutedja and Alex Samosir (the latter is my best friend since elementary school).

So, I think I need long break now: go somewhere quiet, concentrate on my book, take a break from people… lots of thoughts on my head and I need to collect them all and make the perfect combination for my character…

See, I’m not that perfect, people.
And if you wish to get me, keep dreaming. You can all be my friends but not more. Cuz I’m sick of love and about feelings and all those stuff. I just wanna concentrate on my mission: be more social and get the best of my life.

I'm the Angelina Jolie and only my Brad Pitt can get pass thru my thick defence wall. Dunno if Brad Pitt really exist in my life but I don't really care. I am happy the way I am now, the life I live now, I don't really care about whatever people think about me. I'm just gonna live my life my way.

I broke up from my 19 months relationship with Mario. Do I feel sad? Of course: I lost my lover, best friend, protector, supporter; all the things which made my comfort zone.

But the break up brings good things to me: freedom, free choice of my future, and made me realized lots of things… I loved my boyfriend, I’ve learned many lessons from him (how to deal in and to keep a long-term relationship, how to break-up and make-up, how to feel entering a big family as a girlfriend, how to be more organized--but apparently I'm not a well-organized person--, how to deal with someone with completely different world with me), but we’re just not meant to be together and we just better be separated. It was just not working...

Now I’m pretty certain of my own choice, my own life and my real character. I’ve been following his instructions, his wills and ways. But now I can do all things with my own way, the most comfortable way of all.

I’m living my life, enjoying the time of my life now. I’m truly happy, never been any happier… I’ve never felt this free and simply being myself. Life’s still a long way to go, I still have much time to recover, rebuild my strength and character, and decide the best way to live my life.