Another Victoria's Secrets

Yesterday we woke up by 8 and went to Bintaro to visit an Abimata Orphanage by 10. We met the leader there, Mrs. Nani, and the kids aged 0-3 years. They have baby room and the babies were all so cute.


[the toddlers and Manuel]


[Viona and me]

I fell for 7 months year old Raka at first sight cuz the baby was so nice and he has a bright big eyes. I held him for some minutes then I took my camera to take pictures of them all cuz the older kids aged 3-10 had arrived at the gathering hall. I met this shy 3 years old girl named Viona who didn’t wanna let me go.




[the kids]

We gave them J.Co donuts and candies before home and we sneaked out when they were having lunch (we were afraid it could be more hard to leave when they were all there seeing us cuz there were still another orphanage to go).


[baby sleeping]

We had lunch first at Pasar Modern Bintaro before came to Mekar Lestari Orphanage. But unfortunately it was nap time so we didn’t get the chance to meet them all but we could see them through the glass. The babies were so cute they were being fed and had their naps and the toddlers were having fun before nap at their bedroom. The kids here were cute, too. But they weren’t total orphanage they still have moms who couldn’t raise them so they stayed there just to be taken care of and their mums can take them back someday when she’s ready.


[wilson, one of my favourite]

It was so fun visiting the cute kids and share love with them. Even my little cousins love to share the love. Only Ben missed the fun moment but he wouldn’t care by the way, he preferred the party with his friends in Bandung.

This really is my BEST Christmas season ever!

We went to Jakarta on 27 Dec we went by 5.30 a.m. cuz dad had a meeting on 9.30. We went to Aunt Magda’s home and waited there till lunch time. After lunch me, Clemy, Mum, Aunt Magda, Angel and Hizkia went to Plaza Senayan to chill. We had a little shopping at Metro then we hung out at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf and met up with Aunt Agnes, Aunt Sisca, Tante Rita, Astarra and Astiro. We had such delightful meeting cuz it’s been a while. Then the kids crossed to Senayan City to see the huge Lego City. We had a little mall tour, visited some sport and electronic stores (final stop at Ted Baker’s) and got back to the café at Plaza Senayan by 5 just before rain.


[the Lego aircrafts]


[Jakarta's miniature monorail!]


[it has a futsal field!]

Dad was already there and we had a little more chat together, then it was time to go home. Goldi reached PS just when we were about to go (we were finally went to Tante Rita’s house and we kids went in Tarra’s car). The journey was a bit stressful cuz there was traffic jam and we had to go through an unfamiliar road to Ciputat none of us knew that road but it was okay cuz we had fun at car joking and laughing and singing with all the car members. Astiro was a fun company and Astarra drove well though I believe it was a bit stressing for him (the traffic jam in Jakarta really sucks!)

We arrived at the big white house around 7 p.m. All of my cousins arrived there too with their mums just when we reached the house. I believe Om George was surprised when he got home cuz The Kusnotos were almost complete that nite in his house. We had Izzi Pizza for dinner (we took away just before on the way home) and also Oma Supit’s grilled chicken.

Tante Rita turned on the karaoke player and we sang. It was so cool just like at the NAV with thousands of old and new songs. At first everybody was silent but for me and Clemy it didn’t matter, we sang with all our hearts. The kids chose dangdut songs so we danced and shaked our booties. Tante Rita led the dance party and Tarra led the vocal. Tiro joined both. We had really fun there.


[karaoke some old and dangdut songs]

At the end of the day Tante Rita gave the kids speech and gave each of us Christmas present. It was nice and very thoughtful of her, as if she had prepared them for us. We went home with joy and grace of the Daenuwys warm friendship and entertainment. I really like the family and I will put the picture somewhere easy to see so I can remember their great teachings in my own life. When I see at their family stories I feel ashamed cuz they did a lot in their lives while mine feels so empty. I have to do more and much more for other people. I have to enrich myself and develop my talents to help others in need.

[clemy, me, raphael before mass]


[on the way to church with Manuel and Clemy]

We went to church to attend mass on December 24th, the 3.30 p.m. mass in Cathedral. We went in two cars and fetched Aunt Ellen to join the big family of Kusnoto (from my mum’s side). It was my first afternoon mass on Christmas but it was okay cuz I wasn’t in the mood to see anyone anyway. I only met Andri ‘Bamz’ (and I wanted to see him dunno why).

Then after mass we all had dinner at D’Cost Sukajadi and what surprised us the most was the cost! Well, it shouldn’t surprise us anyway cuz it was supposed to be cheap by its name but our meal cost only Rp25.000,-/person for super big feast. How cheap was that?

Our Christmas day was spent mostly in Dago zip code. By 8 a.m. we woke up and got a flash preparation and went to Taman Ir. H. Juanda by car and we walked to Curug Omas, Maribaya, through the Dutch Cave (Gua Belanda). We walked for total about 4 hours and around 10 km back and forth. The trip was fun; nobody had taken bath and it was totally refreshing cuz the forest smell is so delightful.


[the duel: Lauren vs Manuel]


[moi--finally arrived!]


[The Tunggonos]


[hizkia, clemy, bent, OMA, lauren, ray, manuel, angel, me]


[lift the trunk so we can pass under it]

We enjoyed the green scenery around us. Even Oma, whom turned 73 this year, enjoyed the journey too. She led our trip without any nag. And we arrived at the waterfall by around 11.30, took some pictures then went back to the car park. Little that I can share with you here cuz it was natural experience.


[my cutest cousin Manuel]

When we got back, we had lunch at Dago Tea Huis and had nasi bakar there before home. After an hour or so of rest we went again to The Valley cuz we’ve reserved the seats already. We had a nice Christmas feast there cuz the air in The Valley is a true Christmas atmosphere. And we continued the party at home. We sang some songs of karaoke at our new living room (or call it as TV room).


[Clemency. Benedict. Victoria]


[mum, me, dad]


[the whole Kusnoto family in front of the Valley]

I had so much fun this Christmas season with family cuz I love my family so much. And I feel so free of any burden so this is the best Christmas ever… so far. Thanks God!

Tersebutlah, di suatu pulau kecil, tinggallah berbagai macam benda-benda abstrak. Ada Cinta, Kesedihan, Kekayaan, Kegembiraan dan sebagainya. Mereka hidup berdampingan dengan baik.

Namun suatu ketika, datang badai menghempas dan air laut tiba-tiba naik dan akan menenggelamkan pulau itu. Semua penghuni pulau cepat-cepat berusaha menyelamatkan diri.

Cinta sangat kebingungan sebab ia tidak dapat berenang dan tak mempunyai perahu. Ia berdiri di tepi pantai mencoba mencari pertolongan. Sementara itu air makin naik membasahi kaki Cinta.

Tak lama Cinta melihat Kekayaan sedang mengayuh perahu.
"Kekayaan! Kekayaan! Tolong aku!" teriak Cinta.
"Aduh! Maaf, Cinta!" kata Kekayaan, "Perahuku telah penuh dengan harta bendaku. Aku tak dapat membawamu serta, nanti perahu ini tenggelam. Lagipula tak ada tempat lagi bagimu di perahuku ini."

Lalu Kekayaan cepat-cepat mengayuh perahunya pergi. Cinta sedih sekali, namun kemudian dilihatnya Kegembiraan lewat dengan perahunya.

"Kegembiraan! Tolong aku!", teriak Cinta. Namun Kegembiraan terlalu gembira karena ia menemukan perahu
sehingga ia tak mendengar teriakan Cinta. Air makin tinggi membasahi
Cinta sampai ke pinggang. Ia kian panik.

Tak lama lewatlah Kecantikan. "Kecantikan! Bawalah aku bersamamu!", teriak Cinta.
"Wah, Cinta, kamu basah dan kotor. Aku tak bisa membawamu ikut. Nanti kamu mengotori perahuku yang indah ini," sahut Kecantikan.

Cinta sedih sekali mendengarnya. Ia mulai menangis terisak-isak.

Saat itu lewatlah Kesedihan. "Oh, Kesedihan, bawalah aku bersamamu," kata Cinta. Maaf, Cinta. Aku sedang sedih dan aku ingin sendirian saja..." kata Kesedihan sambil terus mengayuh perahunya.

Cinta putus asa. Ia merasakan air makin naik dan akan menenggelamkannya. Pada saat kritis itulah tiba-tiba terdengar suara, "Cinta! Mari cepat naik ke perahuku!". Cinta menoleh ke arah suara itu dan melihat seorang tua dengan perahunya. Cepat-cepat Cinta naik ke perahu itu, tepat sebelum air menenggelamkannya. Di pulau terdekat, orang tua itu menurunkan Cinta dan segera pergi lagi.

Pada saat itu barulah Cinta sadar bahwa ia sama sekali tidak mengetahui siapa orang tua yang menyelamatkannya itu. Cinta segera menanyakannya kepada seorang penduduk tua di pulau itu, siapa sebenarnya lelaki tua tadi.

"Oh, orang tua tadi? Dia adalah Waktu." kata orang itu. "Tapi, mengapa ia menyelamatkanku?
Aku tak mengenalnya. Bahkan teman-teman yang mengenalku pun enggan menolongku," tanya Cinta heran.

"Sebab," kata orang itu, "hanya Waktu-lah yang tahu berapa nilai sesungguhnya dari Cinta itu..."

I think this year’s gonna be the best Christmas ever in my life. Well, it already is. I mean, I have a long list of things I should (and I am) grateful for along 2007. And here are some of those:
1. I am graduated,
2. I’ve learned many lessons from my latest relationship,
3. I’ve studied more about business and am making my own business plan,
4. I’ve found my true self, spirit, freedom and purpose in life,
5. We got our home renovated and now at its best atmosphere,


[my new terrace]

6. I’ve spend every weekend with Yodi (and even stayed over at his house) along November 2007,
7. I got my own first credit card,
8. I got new 2 GB USB flash disk (I lost the 1GB months ago),
9. I got new 8.0 MP digicam,
10. We got new 42” plasma TV (big screen TV can make us stay at home all day and gather more),
11. Dad subscribed for cable TV (which make home mucccchhh more comfy and homy),
12. We got an unlimited internet connection too,
13. I got pretty (and expensive) clothes and shoes I need,
14. Other silly and little things I never regretted…
15. We're gonna celebrate this Christmas at an orphanage (do some charity activity guys!),
16. I'll spend this old n new in Bali,
17. And I have the BEST family ever!!

I mean, lots of people would kill just to have a family like mine: a very kind, genius, gentle, family-oriented dad; a very talented, beautiful and best friend-like mom (to make it short; a super-mom); a genius music-writer brother and a creative outrageous sister who are great companies to do anything with (and our favorite moment is joking and make fun of anything). I chat with my family so often and they’re my best friends. I feel safe and happy in this family I wouldn’t exchange with anything else.

And fortune just seems to come to us. We started from zero and we always try to enjoy every single moment whether it’s happy or sad; delighting or disappointing. And we think big. We always believe that God will always keep us and give us the best in time (and He really does, just keep the faith). And I found this is the best moment ever (which I believe would be my worst of time cuz there will be more and much great times ahead).


[my new TV room]

People and friends always see me as a very lucky and perfect girl, perfect life. I am indeed very lucky. But the ‘perfect’ term maybe refer to the way I deal with the ‘lucky’ part. I (try to) always smile and don’t sweat small stuff. I am grateful for everything that happens in life, even when things got suck. I think positive no matter what. That’s the key: our mind set. No matter if we think we’ll win or lose, we’re right about it.

So, I had bad past too in life, then what? I got (almost) the whole girls in school hated me when I was in junior high, I didn’t have real friend during my teenager years, and I thought I was an ugly duckling. But I keep saying thanks to God. I was grateful for everything that I have and don’t care with everything that I don’t have. I concentrated my youth learning about people’s characters, life philosophy that I got from parents and books, and about my own personality growth. I was grateful and life is improving itself for me.

And I am grateful for who I am now. I may know ‘too much information’; I know more stuff than my friends and I possess wisdom that had guided me along the journey of my life. I now have (too many) friends every where, and found at least 5 of them are true to me. I got people who turned their backs on me now calling my name as if they’ve never rejected me before. I have people (especially guys) like me.


[my new exotic violet bedroom]

And I don’t have a super husband-to-be boyfriend like anyone else (yet). But I don’t need him (yet) cuz my life’s been perfect without one (yet). And secret to experience just like that is ‘being grateful’. Say thanks to every thing that happens for everything that happened must have its own reason. And never regret anything cuz it would make us always look back and never go forward.

Read ‘The Secret’ book or watch the movie by Rhonda Byrne. It will tell you all secret to a happy and meaningful life. I told you before that we have to choose to live in a happy life or a meaningful life and they guy in Heroes serial said we can not have both but now I tell you, you can! The key is to feel happy first then you can make all aspects in your life meaningful—even with wealth.

I just set my mind (starting few days ago but haven't got the whole 'picture' yet) about getting more serious in this interior design business and I browsed the web and found some cool webs to support my business with great ideas.

And I came to this superb blog web at www.decor8.blogspot.com run by Holly Becker with many inspirational pictures, designs and interviews of interior decorating and designing. She really inspires me to do more and see much more oportunities in interior design world, here in Indonesia. I'm bookmarking the page so I can update the new designs everyday.



I am also working on my 'Vision Board' that came from The Secret teachings (I just watched the DVD and sooner I found Holly's great blog). The Secret (which includes Law of Attraction) is really working here and things are just awesome!

I'm gonna repeat this everyday and also finish the book 'Think and Grow Rich' by Napoleon Hill and make my own statement I got from the book. I hope things will manifest sooner than I could ever think. Amen.

I feel so much better now I've shared my anger and bad feelings on my last post.
I'm now starting a new page of positive vibe and good feeling.
I've just watched The Secret movie, and I just feel good and I (try hard to) forgive and forget and I'm moving on and I'm gonna get ALL that I want in life, I'll remove all the things I don't like and I don't want away from me.
I am experiencing a good life and I will always be. I'll let only good things surround me, there's no way bad stuff is coming to get me cuz I simply feel good about it.

Goodbye past, welcome future!

Yesterday I went to BTC to fetch Irma and Lely (and had lunch and some shopping, too) then we went to Ester's crib to see her baby. We had fun there, though it was just for a moment… then Irma joined me to fetch Clemy and we took bath in my home. We went again to PVJ to buy Yanto’s birthday gift and chill out. We met Andy and his friends who came to Bandung just that day, and also so many other friends, both old and new ones… And at the time there was 16 D’Scale Launching Party and also Black Canyon 1st Anniversary, so the place was kinda full of beautiful people and celebrities.

When Livia and Ian came, we decided to hang in Newspaper and I met Adhie and Anto the DJs (it’s been a while since the last time we met). Then Mario and Yanto came and we chilled there till 00.45 a.m. and Mario drove behind me to make sure I went home safely.

I dunno why but I guess it was my distracted mind cuz I incidentally met my ex Hendra and his gf and I stupidly went over and greeted him (I was meant to greet his parents cuz Irma pushed me to do so but apparently Hendra was there too with them I didn't see him before) then not a minute later I saw Mario’s sister and her husband and also Mario’s brother and his gf and I felt a bit annoyed.

Maybe bcuz of that I felt a glimpse of temptation to smoke… or maybe it was the atmosphere… or I dunno what or why, but I smoked. And I went home late… tho usually it was okay.
My dad went so angry and my mum lost control, it was the worst blaming ever, though I didn’t feel sad or angry—I was just shocked. I am now grounded (in context of meeting friends) and I have to control myself more from now on.

Now I think backward, I replayed the whole night’s scene and I found the main reason was that my emotion played. I was so angry to Mario (the conversation with Irma last nite brought this topic up again) but I could never ever confront him, dunno why. I found some sms from him in my cell the day before, the one he sent months ago but I haven’t erased them yet.

Then the memory of the scenes came back alive again as if it just happenned then; the moments when he got mad at me for reasons I didn’t think quite reasonable. Especially that nite when he blamed me cuz I prefer friends more than him, when he said I always win, and he never gets anything from me. WHAT! It was a lie for me and he can always twist the truth cuz what I feel was exactly like that—only I was the victim.

I was so mad that nite but still I couldn’t express it cuz I had guests and I couldn’t contact Mario and I promised myself not to sweat small stuff. But I found it still marked in my mind, that I still can not accept the fact that he blamed me for his childish ego. If I think about it again, I believe I can hate Mario all my life and I just dunno how to forgive him for that part. I’m sure I started to think to break up with him for good since that moment; that was the peak of my anger and that's when I started to feel overwhelmed.

I felt all my energy was sucked out and my ego was falling down, even lower than before. I hate him for giving me such pain and I hate myself more for letting him hurt me. I feel like I really want to shout at him and hit him on his chest and I wanted to express it all till it drains. I want him to know that he's the evilest guy I've ever known, that he was so mean to me. I want him to know how hurt I was because of him. But I can't. I have to keep him happy all the time, he suffered enough in his life, he shouldn't know about that. 

It wasn't my fault how I came to hate him so much. He always had a pity on himself it made me so irritated cuz I always got the bad impact. I hate him so much but I can't express my anger bcuz he’s such a sweet and nice guy after all (he even bothered drove behind me after his super tired and sleepy day). And he always made me feel so weak and small at the same time and I can never win with him. That’s why I can never go back with him and we must not be together.

But I’ve learned The Secret and I have to pull all the positive energy unto me and try to forgive all the mistakes people and I made, haven't I? I have to find way to forgive and forget and move on. I have to bury the past deeper and burn all the rest of the pain to keep me in the positive frequency. But this had caused me trauma and I dun think I’m ready to deal with guys again. 
Guys = pain in the ass.

By the time I was just hit, I sat and stare blankly in my dark room till 4 a.m. listening over and over to Bliss' song to calm my nerve and thinking about the thing happened to Yodi before; about how similar it was. Parents got mad and lost control and we were grounded just when we decided to quit being bad and started to be nice…

The difference is that I was there in the right time to comfort him but there was no one (including him) to comfort me. It’s been so unfair of him! I feel so lonely and I know that from this moment I just have to deal with it alone (without warm manly arms around me to ease my pain away, but screw with guys). I can never depend on any other guy, I have to be even stronger... But thank God I still have Livia.

I just miss Freddy a lot…

I went to Paris Van Java everyday last week, started on Friday (see my last post). I met Adi and Juan the next day, Juan is Hendy’s girlfriend who studies interior design at ITB, so we were introduced in hope we can settle a business plan or something useful. Then I met Irma and Yanto at Gramedia, chilled at Black Canyon, played games at Game Master before met LS and Ian at The Duck King and watched Lust; Caution, a midnight show at Blitz Megaplex. The film was great. It was directed by Ang Lee, the famous Chinese film director. It’s just a bit stressing, lol.

I took a break on Monday and fetched Clemy at Cipaganti BTC on Tuesday then came to PVJ again with Clemy, LS and Troy we had dinner at Zenbu and karaoke together at Inul Vizta but the electricity went down after 2 songs. So we moved to Lemonade and had such great 2 hours of singing for only Rp.50,000.00 we almost lost our voices for singing those Fergie’s and Mika’s songs.


[Clemy, Stanley, me]

On Wednesday my mum’s friends Tante Patsy had a guest from Jakarta, a South African guy named Stanley who was visiting Bandung for 3 days. It was his last day here so we joined the party to Summit then PVJ before 7 and had dinner at Red Bean. He was a great Catholic and is also a nice guy.

Then, on Thursday I (supposed to) had a date with Richard, a young architect I met last May (he was lecturing a 3DsMax Workshop from Box at my campus back then) and had our first chat at Box last July when he asked my number. Just now that he contacts me again, it was such a perfect moment but I asked Audry to come with me to make it less a formal date meeting.

But this guy turned out to be another Piscean and we have a lot in common (The Secret and Personality Plus books, etc, but I think almost all Pisceans like personality and self-development books). I dunno yet bout hooking up with him cuz tho he is a good looking guy, I still enjoy my single moments here.

Today I went to PVJ again, this time with family, we just looked at the craft expo and chilled at J.Co and played Twist Text in my brother's PDA. My sister is in Bandung now and my dad just came from Mataram and he brought many souvenirs for us, tho I just get the silver bracelet with pearls, I’m quite happy. More because of the gift we gave him, an Esprit silver watch for too early Christmas present. I think this will be the greatest Christmas I ever had cuz I feel so good now. Life’s being so friendly to me.

Yesterday Ben dropped me at PVJ by motorcycle and I met Reny to get my USB flash disk she had filled with good music I requested. Then I went to Qua-Li and met Livia, Audry and Ko Sen Yung (Livia’s young lecturer). We had lunch and were treated by the only guy there and we separated by 2 p.m.

I went to campus with Livia to take care of her school problem then we hang out in the hall with Andri ‘Bamz’ and we were introduced to many people there, his friends Stefanus, Ricky, and others. And there were Iwan too, basically, it felt like back to school days hang out. Lol.

Then by around 6 p.m. Marcell came and we had nice chat with him when Livia went home. He bought me crepes and introduced me to his friends they were so many I hardly remember their names but surely I remember their faces cuz not an hour later we met again in PVJ.

Yudha, Alex and Ria fetched me at campus then we fetched Irma before finally got to PVJ. We met Troy and Reindy there and stopped at KFC. And we also met Audry who was there after watching the Quickie Express. She seemed to tell her best friend a lot things about me so when she introduced us, Shirley (I guess that’s her name) said ‘I’ve heard a lot about you’.

It’s not everyday people talk to me like that. I mean, in Indonesia people don’t admit how often they hear about us before or something like that. I’m really at the peak of my life mood though I don’t have a boyfriend and the feeling enlightens me so well.



Then I read the book Adi recommended, ‘Secret’ by Rhonda Byrne and the book told me many things both I’ve already know and just figured out. But I think it’s kinda similar to what my parents always told me: to have faith in life, in everything that we do. That ‘faith, even just as small as a sesame seed can really move a mountain’ stuff from the Bible. And I know that it really works, so I’m highly recommending this book to anyone who wants to live a happy life.

The day was really nice I hardly could sleep. I’ve decorated my room with glow-in-dark ornaments on my new violet paint. I’ve also put new purple lantern and it feels sooo nice! It has always been my dream to paint my room purple and put ethnic accessories and now I have it all. I’ve got the nicest room and live the greatest life. How wonderful this life is!

I called Mario last nite and I felt so happy and proud of him. He told me that he changed now and everything feels so good now. All the suffering and pain and heartache were gone and I smiled. Just like what I said to Tessa back then; that there must be a reason why I was paired with him. He must have something for me to learn and vice versa. Relationships happen to enrich us, to complete us as human. There mustn’t be any regret cuz everything that happen in this world must have a reason.

So we’ve learned our lessons, we’re completed everyday by every little things. And it’s just beautiful to see the one we love feels happy, gets their lessons, and be a better person. ‘We come to love not by finding a perfect person but to see imperfect person perfectly’. This is something I quoted from Hendrik but Mario had told me about this a million times before and I just got it now:

There isn’t any perfect person.
To love a person perfectly means we have to give effort, our best shot, to help our significant other be a better person, through the arguments, quarrels, differences that we face in the relationship.
That way, we always improve each other and the relationship becomes a very healthy one. By firstly loving ourselves, then we can love people surround us more easily. That way, we can all be that ‘perfect’ persons.

And by loving a person with all of our heart (that means with all of our effort, too), even when we know that it’s not gonna be forever (nothing lasts forever, dude!), we’ve given our best to our partner and that’s what made it so beautiful to love and being in love. If every couple knows this formula, what a wonderful thing it is to be in a relationship!

All of a sudden all the whole 19 months-relationship feels like one continuous process. And I realized that process takes time, whether it’s in hours, days, months or years’ count. And for me and Mario it took about 12 years of friendship and 1.5 years of relationship to get us here, in the deep understanding of life, of love, and of ourselves.

Life is like an artwork. We are the canvas and problems are the paint. We are the base cloth and problems are the threads. God is sewing the threads on us. It’s hurt. It causes us grouching, nagging, screaming and yelling and sometimes cursing. It’s all normal cuz we’re human. But why don’t we try to see further and deeper in everything? Cuz when we see the final, we can see all the beauty and all pain were paid… and those sufferings just worth it.

I before said that I didn’t believe in happy endings, dreams come true, the ‘lovey dovey’ thing. But I believe that I came into this world for missions. And I felt that I just completed the last mission well; I’ve learned many things from Mario and so had he and I feel so ready to face my new mission which I believe related with work and new people—but we’ll never know what’s waiting for us in the future, we just get ourselves prepared for whatever it is.

Life is made to be enjoyed. If we think it’s serious and hard to get thru, then shall be it. But if we say it’s not a big deal and we’ll survive no matter what, then that’s what we’ll get. So enjoy life. And live it to the fullest!

And look around you’ll see, how beautiful life is, and how blessed you are. I wish you all happiness and joy in everything you do. Please pass the blessing and smile to people you meet today.

God bless you all guys!

Today I experienced many new things. Firstly I tried a class of G Aero Latin dance in Gold’s Gym with Audry. Icha recommended me to join and I got 1 day free trial. It was fun; I like the dance, I like the place, I like the ‘new’ concept of lifestyle. I’m thinking of joining the program.

Next I went to campus to fetch Livia and we had lunch meeting at Kartika Sari Dago with Adi, my senior in Aloy. He works on photography business now and we talked a lot for 2 hours. We talked about business world but at first we talked about love. Adi made me realize my mistake on my latest relationship; that I didn’t make an effort to push Mario to be a better man. I was so desperate seeing his habit and character and I didn’t make anything good to change it to be better, I was just accepting him the way he was. It was wrong.

Adi said in a relationship we argue, have quarrel and differences to make each other better. I see him going out with me and Livia, and he feels so free to meet with everyone including girls though he’s in a relationship, and I realized one thing: when Mario made me feel guilty about meeting people, I shouldn’t get into his ‘trap’ (which was what I did).

What I should do was to let (or push) him to meet more people, guys and girls. It wasn’t for anything bad but to open up his mind, to broad his perspective that his world wasn’t just me. By his way limiting himself from ‘world’, I was his only world, and that was what made him so protective and made me feel guilty every time I meet people outside my ‘circle’.



But I see other thing here. The break-up is really a good thing. I remember the movie ‘Along Came Polly’ where the serious Ben Stiller met the careless Jennifer Anniston. They reflected the serious Mario and the careless me. There showed that a break isn’t always means bad. The good things usually came up after the break. That’s what’s happening here just like in the movies.

I see much progress on Mario’s character, health and career. With me, he’s the possessive, proud, and close-minded person, got sick every time we met, and stuck on career. But now, he’s more open-minded, patient and more humble. He’s back into his shape, never gets cold, and his work’s climbing up. That’s good; he hasn’t had to focus on me anymore and he does well on focusing and motivate his mind now.

As for myself, I can now do more things, meet more people (to learn from them too, and also maintaining and networking, not just having fun) and aim higher in life. I’ve always had this dream and goals I felt so impossible when Mario’s near.

I mean, I quit capoeira just because he didn’t like the people and the fact that I went out in night time. But in fact I do love the martial art and I love to do something new like that, meeting new people which had broaden my mind. But I quit.

Mario had always said that I have to work out, to get a job, bla bla bla. But he suggested those by his way. I think he knows who I am but didn’t really understand who I am. I mean, he knows that I’m an interior designer but he didn’t get what an ‘interior designer’ means. He didn’t think how I do while I always tried to understand him by thinking in his way.

That’s why it felt so hard for me to always try to understand him (means, thinking in his way, not mine, though he never asked me to ‘be’ like him) but never got the same reaction. That’s why it feels so good to quit the relationship cuz he asked for too much for me.

Now, I’m free to do whatever is necessary for my goals and it feels so good to do what I like to do in my ways. I hope he’s feeling the same way of this break-up thing.

I met Mario and it was weird. I love him still, I care for him but the whole scene was just awkward. He was still the cute guy I loved, he was thinner and back in shape just like when we first met almost two years ago in Ciwalk (the moment was still fresh in my mind). He also changed a bit, he was more patient and sweeter but he’s still Mario. It was so weird I didn’t understand what was going on there and what I felt. However I’ve spent the last 1.5 years with him, shared everything with him. But that nite it just felt so awkward cuz we’ve broke up.

We watched the Disney’s Enchanted and it was a beautiful movie but I don’t think I believe such ‘happy endings’ and ‘dreams come true’ stuff cuz my life feels so far from all of those. I’ve given up dreaming of prince charming (but Giselle didn’t end up with her ‘Prince Charming’ tho and still had a happy ending, rite?) and perfect love story like those princesses of Disney World. I discovered the ‘real life’ the moment Freddy dumped me 7 years ago and I know, the happy ending things are not happening to me.

But back to the weekend, I was looking forward seeing him—I dunno, maybe it was my curiosity or perhaps a bit of caring I showed to him… but I really don’t want him to get unhappy (how could he be happy if I left him and prefer friends and chose not to care about him anymore?) and I don’t want him to be hurt (once again, I hurt him, how could I want him not to be hurt?)

The town still recognize us as ‘Mario and Vicky’, the couple. I really don’t understand my feeling cuz it felt so right but also so wrong at the same time. It was so easy and also hard to love Mario. He’s always so sweet but also pain to my soul. I refuse to accept him back but I need his love to survive this mean world. I miss him so much but I don’t want him to get close enough to me cuz it hurt so bad.

Maybe this is my worst habit when it comes to love: I prefer to love person from distance than having them near. This way, the image of the man would be more perfect and the love would be purer since it was untouchable. A very bad habit which make a very bad disease of mine cuz this way, I won’t ever have a partner of my life I keep on throwing all the love surround me away.

But how could a relationship go well and how does love works in me? I haven’t installed that program in my head yet; single life is still the good one for me… I always believed that love will get to me in time. But now I doubt it cuz I know from this moment on, I really have to be independent and rely on nobody. Am I that strong? Is it really steel that I made of or is it just in the surface?