Another Victoria's Secrets

I've read third quarter of the book 'Heaven is So Real!' and found in the text that The Lord is coming sooner than we thought, and He will take His children up to Heaven with Him and those who are left behind will go to Hell forever.

This excites me but also fear me. I realize God's great blessing and love for me, how He have been with me all this time: my own family who are now separated, Aunt's family whom I live with, my job, my old and new friends; until now that I'm standing here, becoming this woman I've always dreamed of when I was just a little girl. And now I'm in the beginning of my career life, healthy and quite attractive, sufficient for what I need, blessed by the love from the family and friends surround me. I am happy and thankful to God.

But also the note added in Choo Thomas' website (testimonial from Victoria Nehale) told us that even a dear-loving-God person could be sent to Hell because of a 'small sin' cuz for God there is no 'small' or 'big sin'. All are sin and all sins lead to death. So I have to reflect on myself, what I've done wrong in this life. And I found that I'm still relying on my own thoughts.

Pain and suffering in the past had made me now a strong woman, stronger everyday by each experiences I had. It brought me into this independent, hard-headed woman. I made my own fortress and not allow anyone to drive me; I rule the guys now, none of them are allowed to hurt me anymore (although I've cried for the last guys in my life.) And that thought led me into a thinking that I didn't want to have kids, I didn't wanna get pregnant, I was not gonna delivering any birth to this world.

Now I realize that such thought is a sin becuz this isn't my life, I belong to God and this is His plan, His creation, His willing that would happen through me. I repent on this sin and I promise God I will let Him do anything He want in my life, I could only surrender my whole life to Him. I want to reborn in Jesus Christ and last night was very beautiful to me.

I started to sing spiritual songs and I felt peace, I remembered the moments I was so close to God before the intimate was stolen from me bcuz of my first boyfriend. I remembered all of those retreats I've attended before and how God had blessed me with His peaceful presence in my heart. I experienced it all again last night and it was so beautiful for I prayed and felt so close with Him.

All of a sudden I felt a great yearning for Mario's presence. I missed him so bad when I thought about the book, about how he had changed to be with me again and how I never cared about that becuz, however, he hurt me deep before and the pain remained.

But last night I thought about this and I repented on my negative thoughts toward him. I really wanted him close, I longed for his hand stroking my hair, his support on my back, his tender caress and huge love for me. But I realize that would bring another pain to me and him cuz, dunno why, somehow I always known that we don't belong for each other.

I dunno what is coming but I decided to rely my whole life only to God, for He know what's best for me before I even ask. He's the best friend for us all, the best guide, with His guardian Angels... There's nothing to be worried about anymore in this secular world!
Amen.

I've been thinking about my recent relationship. Cuz I feel a lot happier and so free now. I thought, what was wrong between us, cuz he's been such a great, lovely, perfect man. He loves me exactly the way I wanna be loved. He treated me exactly the way I wanted to be treated.

But I also realize that if I continue the relationship I'd fall in to more sins, for hating his style and taste, disliking his family and background, covering our dates from my family, and denying him for being my soul mate. Too many bad things I had to deal with if I'd still be with him.

I wanna clean up myself from such bad stuff for I want to enter the Kingdom of Heaven so much. That's why I had to let him go, even though I know that there might not be anyone like him, who could love me so deeply and purely. He loves me for being myself while I love him for loving me in return. This, is quite unfair, too, and I don't want anything bad happen between us, especially to him. I want him to be happy and accepts things he deserve to have, not from what I did to him. I had to go away from him and all sins involved with the relationship.

So I had to do what I had to. I had to erase his name from my life, too, like what I did to Freddy before, to freed my mind and soul. And when I decided to do this, all of our memories faded away, just like they were never existed in my life, like all of those things never happened between us, that all were just dreams.

Even with Yodi, even he was as solid as I could touch, as real as I can smell, feels so far away from me. I knew from the beginning, he's not from me, and I always know that. But now I fully understand why: we're living in such different worlds that I feel I'm fully blessed while he runs away from God. I know God always wants the best for me, so He keeps him away from me. That way, the blessing He gives to me never get any less. He is preparing me for something (or someone) else, something bigger, more beautiful and His plan must be wonderful.

I don't know what is my mission on earth but I think my 'difficulties' maybe is in love, for I already have a perfect family, nice friends, good job, great future, lovely personality. Minus a partner, my life had been superb.

My love life had always been a problem to me. But beside this love stuff, I think my life had been so perfect, I've learned so many things in life, especially in the last 10 years.
I've loved and I've broke down but then I'm cured.
I've hoped and I've desperate but I learned how to rise again.
I've fulfilled and emptied but then I'm completed.
I've prayed and I've cursed but then I'm grateful afterward.
I've passed so many tests in my life and I'm still holding on to Him for I know He's always here for me.


Somehow, I've learned all of that from different ways, experiences, and teachers. I learned about love from Freddy, but I learned how to love truly from Mario. I learned how to let go of the one I truly love (that if we're destined to be together we'll reunite some day) from Yodi, and I learned to let go of the past (that the past is dead) from Choice '05.

I learned how treasure we seek for (our heart, His presence) is usually never far from ourselves from the book The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I learned that I have to live my life to the fullest and to 'enjoy' the present, no matter how bad I thought it was, or how horrible it will be in the future, but to be in the 'present time' and to appreciate that life, somehow, is beautiful thing and such a blessing, again from Paulo Coelho, in his book Veronika Decides To Die.

I learned how I have to do the task I've been given in a town and that time will come to fetch me
to move to another town by the book Fifth Mountain, about devil's offers from The Devil and Miss Prym, about sex from Eleven Minutes, about marriage from The Zahir, and many other lessons I got from Coelho. I could say, he's been a lecturer to me, my great teacher, though I've never met him personally, and he never know that I'm existed, but his books had taught me a lot about spiritual life.

And to help us to get through this transitory, secular world, please read Heaven Is So Real! (by Choo Thomas) with me... cuz knowledge about Heaven makes our lives on earth easier to bear. And it really helps, I promise!

I am currently entering my third month of probation and getting well-adapting in my office. At first I found it hard for me to get to know all of the products (to get to know every new person never be a big problem for me) and the working rhythm was pretty tight and hard for I have to get used of getting home by 6-7 p.m. every day even though they said the working hour is from 9 to 5.

Plus, I still had my French course in Bandung to be finished by April 20th which made me have to go back to Bandung every weekend to attend it (but I passed it with grade 18 out of 20), which was very much took my time. To make it worse, I got my right leg hurt (its tendon was broke or something, I couldn't walk freely or bend my leg without pain. I barely could rest, have time by myself and friends, or step in to other malls than Darmawangsa Square Citywalk.

But after passing the second month, I started getting used of getting home late, arrange my own schedule outside so I could see some friends after work, or just to stay at home spending my spare time by reading. I found myself grow and feel alive by reading and getting drown in philosophy which I usually pour into literature such as poems and my secret project.

I am now cured from my leg pain, so I can walk freely just like before. This had burdened me so much, but I have nothing to worry about anymore. I have all the facility I need from the company and I'm getting liked by people at office (at least I guess so.)

I am now simply happier, my burdens feel lighter. I went out from my latest relationship, even though I still love my ex so much (he's the best guy I've ever been with, to be honest, but the relationship just doesn't really fit me.) I started meeting most of the people I've always wanted to meet ever since I moved in to Jakarta.


Tendra, a schoolmate from Aloysius visited me once and we had dinner at Black Canyon Coffee DS), then I met several of my schoolmate from Binus by coincident in malls when I went there in the last 2 months, such as Rangga, Anna, and Acha. I'm still looking forward to meet my other schoolmate, to mention some are Sally, Fer, Tessa, Cink2, Qucay, Army (but he's moving back to Menado), Miko, etc.



Then, the next Friday, May 16th, I met Lita's brother Rian at Senci, exactly at the same place, the Food Court, but this time I was fetched by W (who had just arrived from Singapore that very day) and QQ. We had dinner, then we moved to Coffee Bean and the Tea Leaf until around 10 p.m.


Shortly after that I went back to Bandung to meet up with my girls (May 17th) in Tizi, an old-fashioned steak restaurant. There were Ester, Boyank and their son Hayden; also with Irma and Yanto. We had dinner and shared stories til 9 p.m. I found that we're now completely in different worlds, they are now happy and dealing with their own problems, which are family stuff for Ester and getting into a marriage for Irma.

I guess it was really my time to let go of them, they are ready now to fight in their own lives. Things are gonna be different now that I'm staying in Jakarta and starting my own new life. I'm glad that I can leave them without any regret now, cuz my new life has its own problems I won't have time for my girls anymore now. My time in Bandung had over.


Yesterday was a holiday and I was fetched by another old friend, my special friend Yodi, along with his little sister Yoan and cousin Andy by 2 p.m. at my aunt's house. It surprised me a bit cuz Yodi didn't tell me anything, but I was happy all of the siblings came together, all in a car, like one very special package delivered to me.

We went to Citos (Cilandak Town Square) and hung out at Mister Bean Coffee for 3 hours, exchanged stories and I felt happy, peaceful and blessed by their presence there around me, each of us felt excited by each other's presence (say that I could feel that, LoL.)

They drove me back home by 6 p.m. and somehow, dunno how, I felt fulfilled by the short meeting and looking forward for our next meeting in the future, although I don't expect anything. I just feel happy. Simply happy. I feel that my life is a perfect one.

Once upon a time, there was a bird. He was adorned with two perfect wings and with glossy, colorful, marvelous feathers. In short, he was a creature made to fly about freely in the sky, bringing joy to everyone who saw him.

One day, a woman saw this bird and fell in love with him. She watched his flight, her mouth wide in amazement, her heart pounding, her eyes shining with excitement. She invited the bird to fly with her, and the two traveled across the sky in perfect harmony. She admired and venerated and celebrated that bird.

But then she thought: He might want to visit far-off mountains! And she was afraid, afraid that she would never feel the same way about any other bird. And she felt envy, envy for the bird's ability to fly.

And she felt alone.
And she thought: I'm going to set a trap. The next time the bird appears, he will never leave again.

The bird, who was also in love, returned the following day, fell into the trap and was put in a cage.
She looked at the bird every day. There he was, the object of her passion, and she showed him to her friends, who said: "Now you have everything you could possibly want."

However, a strange transformation began to take place: now that she had the bird and no longer needed to woo him, she began to lose interest. The bird, unable to fly and express the true meaning of his life, began to waste away and his feathers to lose their gloss; he grew ugly; and the woman no longer paid him any attention, except by feeding him and cleaning out his cage.

One day, the bird died. The woman felt terribly sad and spent all her time thinking about him. But she did not remember the cage, she thought only of the day when she had seen him for the first time, flying contentedly amongst the cloud.

If she had looked more deeply into herself, she would have realized that what had thrilled her about the bird was his freedom, the energy of his wings in motion, not his physical body.

Without the bird, her life too lost all meaning, and Death came knocking at her door. "Why have you come?" she asked Death. "So that you can fly more with him across the sky," Death replied. "If you had allowed him to come and go, you would have loved and admired him even more; alas, you now need me in order to find me again."
[Story taken from Eleven Minutes, a novel by Paulo Coelho]


The story suits my love life perfectly. In my whole 24 years of life, I've loved, being loved, in and out of love. But from those many experiences of love, I found that it's best when we love without possessing anyone for to possess would risk a huge chance of losing interest, or worse, losing the love itself.

I don't like being out of love, the despair comes to me in a worst way and I don't want it to come back ever again. So instead of caging the bird I'll make a wiser decision; to only admire him from distance, to keep the passion and love burn between us. That's why it's best and more exciting to love someone that you don't (or can't) have instead of the one you own.

At this moment I’ve learned so much. From the book ‘Eleven Minutes’ by Paulo Coelho (about prostitution and moral, philosophy, intelligent around her), the stories I collected from my friends about life, sex, marriage.

I've been thinking a lot recently. About life. Love. Marriage.
When I think about mine, well, I guess every body are jealous at mine, but I find it quite unreasonable cuz my life isn't perfect, too.

Okay, I have a good looking, fab body, smart brain, warm family, great house in Bandung, cool friends, a guy who loves me so deeply that wants to wait for me to go back to him whenever that I want... what else on earth don't I have?
If I was to answer the question, I'll mention 'LOVE'. Tho it's actually stupid enough since my family and friends and latest ex-bf definitely love me. But I need a special love. You know, a kind of love that 'gives and takes', 'through bad and good times, till death do us part' stuff.

I've been in love for several times now that I'm 24 years old. I've passed my 'first love' phase (it just ended about a year ago after wasting 8 years on trying to forget him) and other loves that followed. Some of them come and go, only a few stay. And the ones who stay are complicated, too. I can't get it.

I dunno if this is my destiny or what, but every time that I love somebody, it always appear that he doesn't love me back or perhaps he loves me quietly but he doesn't want me to know by the time. Or et cetera, but the main point is, I never could have someone who loves me as big as I love him at the right moment. On the other side, the one who loves me so big doesn't get the same vibe from me and it makes me feel burdened bcuz I can't give the same feeling to him.

The one that I love failed me. And I failed the one who loves me.
I don't understand why can't I just simply give my heart to him who needs me?

Love is too complicated for me. Maybe I'm not the right player for the game. Maybe this isn't the right game for me. But one thing for sure, I feel free now that I'm back being single. I am more comfortable with the situation that I don't have any obligation, any status, anything that needs more of my attention.

So I said, nah, I don't need love. I just have to love someone and it'd be enough. I don't need him to mingle around or take care of me or anything.. The capability of me to love someone is enough to proof that my heart is still working normally. The other matters are not important cuz I don't understand marriage. I don't feel any urge to get married, I don't really think I'll ever want to get married either. It looks like a huge commitment and effort to me.

So I decide this for my life's rule: I don't need any man to be around. I don't need marriage. I don't wanna suffer like those people for having a family of their own. I just wanna be like this, completely and fully me.

He was an arrogant bad boy. She was a modest sweet girl.

He was a logical guy. She was an emotional girl.

He was a star in the school. She loved him without he knew.

But time made him changed. And so did she was changed.

He met her one day and was committed to his decision.

She met him again and curious about the rare chance.

He started to love her. She was amazed on the miracle.

He gave her security. She gave him affection.

He was still selfish. She was still patient.

He always wanted more. She had had enough.

He hurt her feeling. She cried for him too much.

So he was staying. And she was leaving.

He was shocked. She didn’t care.

He realized how important she was to him.

She realized how rude he was to her.

He was waiting. She was gone.

But she missed him. So he came back.

He did it right now. She was delighted.

He was being a better person. But she thought of differently now.

He loved her still. She felt something was still missing.

He played with his emotion. She played with her logic.

He was being pure. She was denying it.

He asked for her hand. She got frightened and left.

Now he was the sweet guy. And she was the bad girl.