Another Victoria's Secrets

This morning, a friend of my sister's fetched us and we went to Epicentrum Walk where they held the Pesta Blogger, some Indonesian blogger community's annual program. We got there late and missed most of the program, but we did walked around and found some fun stuff to bring home. I enjoyed the refreshment since I haven't attend any community's program in a very long time.

Isman and my sister were going to watch some movie, so I went back, met Lilis at her boyfriend's book shop, then went to the South to meet my other client. After some short brief, I went to Vin+, Kemang, to meet my old and new friends: Yodi, Yoan, Walle, Andy, Bobby and Leo. This was the second day in a row that I spent in Kemang, and these two days are truly called the "work hard, party hard" since I got them all done in turn.

The day before, just before Leo fetched me up to Beer Garden, Kemang (and went crazily high with Yodi, Bobby, Cucuy, Gege, Andy, Delano, Rini and Alex), I went to my client's October Fest at Zmith Book House where they played live music performance of F.O.G., some UKRIDA's student's ladies vocal group with three singers, a guitarist and a violist. There were also Ria "Warna" attended the party with her husband. It was a nice little group's gathering where the owner treats every of his guests as family.

I came there kinda late because I was just got back from Karawaci with Joey because he didn't bring his car and we all stayed over at Leo's place together with Rini and George. I was going out for dinner with my sister and Joey told me to go to Puri Mall and that was where I met them all at J.Co while my sister and I had dinner at Sushi Kiosk.

After dinner and some shopping, we all went to fX to meet my old friend Sume for some business chat where we all hang out at Cafe Cartel. Some famous musicians were performing some free charity concert for victims of Indonesian disasters lately at Merapi and Mentawai. After the mall was closing at 12 a.m., we all went to Leo's place.

Well I guess I've had my refreshments to the max and have let all the anger and sadness out off me (I really don't feel anymore resentment but if there were still there, I've let them all out now.) I've been to so many new places and meet new friends for the last 3-4 days, and I think that's enough for now. I love my friends here so much for they are always there for me, but I have some work to do and just a day to finish them all. So, tomorrow's gonna be a working Sunday. I wish you all a more fun and interesting Sunday than mine ;)
God bless you all!!

via deviantart

I have had this issue since my adolescent years. I am so against of being set up. Perhaps this was a trauma I got from a failed set up a long time ago. But seriously, being set up is just so pathetic for me. Pathetic, as for it is an indicator of some weaknesses of either side. Definitely not mine, so it must be at the guy's side. Lol. I know I'm being too snobby here, but I know myself and say that I overrate myself, but I bet you are agree with me. Lol. Sorry.

Well I call it pathetic, because there must be something wrong with the guy that he remains single and not able to find a girl by himself. Same way with internet dating sites. If a guy is so great he won't have time to spend on promoting himself on the web to random girls. If he does have the time, then he mustn't be that great. And "not great" are just not on my list.

But when I think about it over again, then I found out that the one I really don't believe is the taste. I don't believe at my friend's type of guys they thought are compatible with me. They think they know, but they don't. Maybe the guys are great in their eyes, but they forgot to see it from my side. And no chemistry at first sight for me means no chance on having anything in future.

I don't know what get me so upset today, but the fact that a friend is trying to set me up with some guy made me offended, big time. I mean, it is a very good intention from her, but once again, she failed to see it from my side. She thinks I need to find a better man than my ex and this time he must be a Catholic. Well I don't.

I do like to know Catholic guys and hanging around with them--if they are that interesting for me--but I don't need to be with every Catholic guy I know, do you know what I'm saying? In fact, I don't need to be with anyone right now. I don't need other man to be around to get over my ex. I don't need to meet new guys to be happy and satisfied with myself. I can do it alone by myself. No help needed, thanks, but you're just making me upset.

I know that I am being too clear about this. Because this annoys me so much. I love being with friends and knowing new ones, but I don't like them getting set up with me or anything that lead to that direction. Moreover, I felt insulted actually, to see all those guys who had been being set up with me. I feel like none of my friends really know my type and who I need. They think they do, but they don't.

And I felt insulted for the fact that they don't trust my ability to find a guy by my own effort. I mean, I think that they don't trust me. They don't trust that I am truly fine with being single "and not looking" when I said that. They just see me being single and love to matching up with people they know. They don't really believe that I am happy for being who I am. Oh, I'm disappointed. All these posts and they still don't know me? Lol. I guess I'm just being complicated. It's actually not their fault at all. It's just me being unique and abnormal.

I have people care for me, a lot maybe, and I truly appreciate that. I am happy to see the fact that they think of me, even if it's just a minute or so of their time in a day. I love being loved. But some ways are making me uncomfortable and I find it annoying. I have this girl who love to check on my status every once in a while and discuss it with me the day after or when we meet. I love discussing things about me, but somehow, this time I feel like I'm being monitored and it's just annoying.

And the fact that they set me up with this guy I met last week just made me even more pissed off than ever. They keep telling me how innocent they are over this event, that they have nothing involved in setting anyone up. But I know. I have this strong feeling to know things that are happening around me, tho they aren't always accurate, but I just know. Well maybe they didn't try to set me up with anything here after all, but I know how interested that guy is on me, that made me just exaggerate with this setting-up stuff.

I don't know which one is true, actually, but I feel something is going on very wrong here: about her checking up my statuses and discussing them, about the guy who appeared a week ago with some working reason but ended up YM-ing me by calling me "princess", about the fact that he were always around when I came over to meet her, about the message I got today from her boyfriend that tried to clear things up here (that they didn't arrange anything for those meetings and the meeting would happen later this afternoon.) Well for me the message just confirmed their intervention on all this fishy stuff here.

I know that I am over reacting here about all this set-up stuff and all. But one event lead to another one and things are related somehow. I am annoyed with people's intervene in my life, especially from those who don't know me. I am annoyed by the fact that people don't seem to trust me on being happy right at this moment. I am annoyed by the fact that they think I need a man. I am annoyed by being told about anything that I don't like--or maybe even when I do like them, I just don't like being told like that.

Perhaps this is just a temporary madness, especially for today, and I hope I'd get over this soon. I need my positivity and control back, because I don't like feeling bugged like this. It's usually normal for me to have friends asking and telling me things but I don't know why they all seem to attacking me lately. I hope these all are just my bad estimation, led by some trauma, when I saw and thought about latest series of events happened. I hope she really is that innocent, because I really hate losing a friend.. or to be more precise: to lose trust on them.

via manifestdaily

I woke up this morning at around 8.30 a.m. after had slept at just 5 a.m. Messages were there on my BlackBerry® and one of them caught my attention. A college friend told me she was having some problems in life--which often called as the quarter-life crisis--and we went into a very long and deep discussion about life, karma and balance.

As I said on my previous posts, I am currently getting more serious with my relationship with myself and God. You know, the journey within to find my true self and stuff. This is stuff above religions, one said, and it just feels right now, that I had been reading about this since few years ago. This is just the perfect time to get them into practical.

As an introduction, I told her about the system that controls this world; the system of how life is working.  "As ye sow, so shall ye reap", the Bible said, or to say it in one word: "karma" in Sanskrit. But I am not gonna discuss about this now with you all. You may have read my previous posts so you all know enough about that. I am not gonna talk about balance.

As our conversation became more of a one-way lecture from me, I thought, I had been telling a lot of people about this "shit" and I felt like I became too sanctimonious. No, I am not trying to become a nun, saint or whatsoever. I am not going to Christening you or suggesting any religion to anyone. I just wanna share whatever knowledge I got from things that I learned along the way which had helped me become who I am now.

I reviewed my life for the last week and I saw so many old faces I hadn't seen in months, or even years, that had came back into my life as my status had become more inviting for them. I go out more often and meet "new", crazy, worldly things in life but meanwhile, I am still learning about karma and spiritual stuff. I told my friend this morning, that I didn't mean to make her change the way she live so extremely, no. I still suggest her to live balanced.

This made me remember about the movie Eat Pray Love (still haven't read the book because my sister is still reading it) and understand, that beside the appetite Liz must fulfill for she is a living creature, the prayer she must do for she is also a spiritual being, she also has to love to keep her life balanced. I see my own life and understand, that I am unconsciously balancing it. I have so many friends and for normal people, too many best friends as well,and I go to them depended on my needs.

When I need to be sane, I go to my most "normal" girl friends whose lives so normal they seem so perfectly happy with their monotone, standard world (this is said based on my standard, btw, since this is my Pensieve. Please don't get offended.) But after too many "too-normal" inputs which I don't really belong in, I seek for my cooler friends, and when they're not enough to "make my day", I go to even crazier ones, before returning back to the most lovely yet craziest people in my family at the end of the day. I don't mean to classify my friends here, but each friend represents different part of our lives and I have so many different parts in me I need them all to keep me sane.

Too many staying at homes and too many going outs both aren't good. Being too serious inside of a relationship and being too ignorant to our significant other are also not good. Too much hanging in the church and too much hanging in night club are not good. Too much using your left brain and too much of the right brain aren't good. Being limp isn't good at all. We need balance in life and my friends balance me. This is how I keep myself sane, so thank you to all my friends for being around!

via imdb

After my official broke up about a week ago, I went with a lot of guy friends. Not that I needed guy’s affection, but they’re the only ones available for me these days (until today I could go the whole day with my girl friend Lita.) My boy friends here in Jakarta are the best in the world, cuz I feel safe and loved here, just by them telling stories and jokes and made me laugh bla bla bla, but I learn a lot from them secretly.

I went for a little shopping with my sister few days ago. This Havaianas flip-flops are so cute in color and image and I couldn't just let them stay at the store's hanger just like that. I had to take them home and everywhere with me! Lol. It was just a reason.

I had a night-out last night with my best friend Joey. He came here late and took me to Bumbu Bakar where we met Acun and Ari. After that we went to Mangga Besar for some food, stayed there till around 2 a.m. and went back to Bumbu Bakar; before we (Joey and I) went to see Yodi in Bakmi Lili at around 3.30 a.m.

It was a really nice meeting that we had--at least it was for me--to see my dearest boy friends told me stories and secrets and we shared some laughter. I dunno why but my greatest laughter and enjoyed moments always came from them. I feel that they aren't mere friends to me: they are my family. I knew Yodi since 2001 and Joey since 2007 and both had always participated great deal on making the most of my days.

But my mind was never too far from Ara. He is still in my mind, and therefore still in my heart. Having too many boy friends let you know every single detail of things they do and think and that always make me relating things to my relationship with Ara. I learned a lot from my dear friends, but also hurt so much from the fact about it.

I have lived long enough to see chaos everywhere in this world. I saw hope, love, broken hearts, hate, the beginning and beauty of relationship and also the end and disaster of it. I saw boys, girls, passion, lust, true love, sacrifices, commitment, affairs, and so on. I saw people I love and care about broke my heart just by doing stuff I never agree with, tho the whole world now start to legalize them.

I am done here. I don't think I can ever trust a man ever again. I never interested of getting married for the last decade, and now I'm back to that old belief. I am now wondering what was I in my past life: was I a man who hurt so many woman back then, that I now got too many heart breaks in this life--or was I a woman who were hurted too many times that I now kind of traumatic of a long-term and serious relationship like marriage? Was it why I love purple--color of widows--from when I was a kid?

The answer is never mine to know now, indeed. But I know myself too well for the past 26 years and I know how my heart can deal with stuff. I saw too many disappointments and I had had enough. I am still full of love, but not that kind of love of romanceful stuff. It is love for my family, friends, and others. It is love for human being. Maybe someday I will find that other kind of love I am now avoiding, but for now it is best to be this way.

I just decided to be a vegetarian. To make it easier to remember the "important" date, it's the 10.10.10. This brought questions from people around me, especially those who know how fond I was for food, especially steaks and eggs. And this sure needs a lot of commitment and courage, especially for people who had been eating meat and chicken and pork for the whole 26 years of her life.

My main reason is for the spiritual. I am learning a little of Buddhism and other spiritual stuff now and I wanna get closer to my true self and God within and the only way to achieve it is from keeping my body 'clean', for our body is the temple of God. Eggs are also forbidden, for it attract negative energy and I need to keep such things away from my life, so I'm following the rules.

I had never thought I'd become a vegetarian myself. I had been such a huge fan of meat and couldn't live without it. Just few weeks ago I thought: "come on, people, should you force yourself in misery of avoiding meat for such crap as go-green stuff?" But now, in just a few weeks time, I become one of them. Thank God I'm still allowed to drink milk and eat cheese :)

My main influence came from the Supreme Master Ching Hai, whose ideology affected me huge time the last few weeks. She said, to be able to be a master, one should not kill, and therefore should not eat whatever caused killing. I was quite in shock to find out that in Bible and Al-Quran there were passages about these, too. Only we were too ignorant to understand them.

So, by these reasons I decided to become one of this "sanctimonious" people, trying to avoid all kind of slaughtering of animals, trying to bear "Be Veg, Go Green", "Save the Animals" and many other slogans most people think are too much. Hell I don't care, this is my body and this is the way I'm keeping it sacred, if that's the least I could do.



My reasons of being a veg:

1. Religiously, the Bible told us not to eat from killed animal (open Genesis 1:29; Genesis 9:4; Romans 14:21) as it were also written in Islam, Buddha and Hindu scriptures.
2. Healthly, because we have both long small and large intestines like vegetarian animals--unlike carnivore species who have short small and large intestines; we were made to be a veg from the first time.
3. Nutritiously, because greens contain more and complete vitamin and nutritions we need yet still keep us strong (remember that most of old people's disease came from meat: cholesterol, uric acid, saturated fats, cancer, etc.) 
4. Humanitarianismly, to keep animals from suffering and also to keep someone from having to kill one. It's terrible enough how a cow got slaughtered. They don't need to suffer.
5. Spiritually, to keep my body and mind purified and sacred, and to keep it from karma debts. Therefore, I can be closer to my Creator to understand my purpose of being.

I went to meet my old friends at Senayan City last night. It was a small group I had been with around the early of year 2009. We used to go to see movies on weekdays after work to many places and had great laugh together. They were Sume, my old friend since 2000 when we first met in a retreat in Malang, East Java, then met again in Binus where he was my senior in Visual Communication Design major. The other was Eka, another graphic designer who worked at Neo@Ogilvy, one of a leading advertising company in Indonesia. The last one was Jerry Aurum, a famous photographer and graphic designer who started his own business after his graduation from ITB, Bandung.

It was a really nice small reunion we had last night, after separated for more than 1.5 years now. We had a catch-up chat while dinner in Thai Express and then moved for some booze at BrewHouse. We were there till 11 p.m. and Sume dropped me off at my apartment. It was a really nice reunion, and for me, as a come-back to this glamorous world of Jakarta. I love this kind of life. It brings me passion and excitement, and a feeling of being 'alive'.

The day before, another old friend came over to my apartment complex. Andri, yet another graphic designer from Bandung, came for a visit and some nice conversation at around 11 p.m. till 3 a.m. It was a late visit, but it was the only time he could make it since his working schedule is quite a laboring. We had some chatter and nostalgia, but the most important thing was, that talking with him brought me some kind of new spirit.

It had been 3-4 days since I knew the truth, and had been struggling myself to deal with it. I forced my mind to accept it but my heart seemed to betray me the whole time. My whole body still called for his name. It was such an incredible help and support from friends I got, that I could get myself up--but chatting with Andri was another one. I found the answer, therefore I was capable of forgiving him.

I quoted some from Eat Pray Love by Liz Gilbert: "when the karma of relationship is done, only love remains." Even before my sister referred me to that sentence, I had already felt that way. All I feel now is a great love for him, sent with light for him, then dropped it so I had nothing to worry about him being a jerk or me being a fool. It was just love. And by that love, I forgave him.

I no longer care about this. This is part of my life, but also part of my past. Now I am living my present life and they all became just a memory and lessons for me. I learned from my past: I had been carrying my exs for many years after the love was done and it was horrible. I was carrying my past all around with me and it was uncomfortable and not good.

Now I start to play new rules in my life. I forgive and forget. I dropped all of my pain and misery here, now, and leave them all behind. I am ready for the new chapter of my life, the new beginning of another fun adventure. Jerry and Eka suggested a solo trip for me, they said at this phase of my life, it will do me good. I am considering about it now. Maybe I'll find some time to do it, but I guess not in a short time.

It is such a great experience I had, actually, those wonderful 500 days with him--along with all the extreme joy I felt and depressing sadness he gave me. It gave me strength. It gave me power. It gave me reason to hold on and move on forward. It gave me experience and lessons I needed. It was somehow a wonderful journey of love, tho painful, but it was a proof that I was capable of loving someone so bad I didn't care about anything else.

I know I was kind a fool, but it just happened once. I'll do better next time, I'll be better, I'll even fall better--but I'll still love. Because at the end of the day, only love matters. Many love, light and blessing to you all, my dear friends and readers. May God be with you all the time. :)

This was really a shocking truth I just heard last Sunday morning, just soon after I woke up when somebody told me about this (for some reason, I am keeping the name and every story of the source but am thankful deeply for the honesty, prayer and sincerity for me.) Perhaps people had known this all along, or maybe I knew about this, too. But I chose to close my eyes and cover my ears over this because the truth would somehow freaking me out. Hm, I dunno where to start this...

... well maybe we can start from the day of my late Dad's 40th days' ceremony. He acted weird since that and been avoiding me.. perhaps the burden became too hard for him then. He went to Batu Karas with his friends and acted weirder. I knew something was wrong, and I caught him up once with a girl, along with other crowd in his friend's room. He said she was the other guy's affair. I tiredly (and stupidly) bought that because I wasn't ready to face the truth.

But apparently, it was the beginning of my mistake and misery for the last 8 months now. I should've known. I should've ended it there. But I wasn't ready yet. I was so high above the heaven at the time and couldn't bear to be thrown down hard on to the hard rocks like that. Instead, I chose to climb down the valley slowly which took longer time but less pain since I had to swallow it one by one instead of getting the full version at a time.

It was a very heartless of him, dared to betray me--not only once or twice, but many more than that--while he was still going to my house, promising even more lies to my Mom, keeping his stuff at my place as if he was staying there, too. Perhaps to give sign on his territory, if he were a dog. So, I figure out now why he acted the opposite of all the promises he made last year, opposite the person I knew the whole last year.

So this was why he kept accusing me being disloyal, fearing me to go see my boy friends, saying "I love you"s way too much, getting extremely upset whenever I go with my friends.. So this is how he hide all of his dirty betrayal, his other girls. So that I felt terrible of myself (which I shouldn't), of what I've done (which I didn't), of who my friends are (which are okay.) He even made me clashed with many friends and lost many of them for this reason. What a selfish disgusting bastard!

I could be mad. I could get a revenge. I could cry my heart a river. I could scratch my long sharp nails on his nastily beautiful face. I could cut or maybe even slice his penis off (oh how I would!!!). I could do anything to get even with him. But then, I thought, why should I? No, I don't deserve this hurtful betrayal. But again, it's nothing there for me in that room anyway but another series of pain. So, I keep it cool, shut the door off and move on.

I am still infuriated, but I knew his attitude, his behavior, his character, his past and his problems... actually, his inside and out. I can understand that. It's way too heavy for him to keep such a serious and deep long-term promise to a girl older and way more mature than him. I'm way off his league and I can understand how unconfident he was all the time whenever he with me. Because we weren't in the same level (not to boast about anything, but even a fool could see that. Agree?)

After all, I am once the girl of his dreams, which he managed to get by the way, but lost grip on. Since he wasn't ready or felt that he doesn't deserve it, he lost his faith on the way. You see, when one dreams of a great Harley Davidson but couldn't afford it yet, he tends to buy mere motorcycle that fits his budget instead of make slow-but-sure installments on the Harley. Of course, God who sees everything put pity on me. He made me know the truth anyway, although it was a little bit too late, but perfect in time He knows I'm ready for.

It hurts me so deep knowing that all of those sweet words were mere lies and been told to million others at the same time. It hurts my ego so badly how he still acted childishly and tried to walk out of his responsibility even at the last moment and didn't even say he's sorry. It hurts my pride so much I knew his friends had been laughing at me and gave pity look on me all these time but not making any effort on telling anything to me or to even try to stop him. It hurts my imagination of having a perfect partner I had been wanting from him. But I guess, all this time I have loved his image I created inside of my head.

Because I wanted a romantic boyfriend instead of seeing the true Don Juan inside of him. I wanted the perfect type of guy I could boast off in front of my friends instead of being curious where the hell he learned all that. I wanted to love someone so truly madly deeply and being in a lasting relationship instead of seeing it falling apart in just the worst way I could ever imagine... which I knew it would if it's with him.

But they were all my imagination, cuz I soberly know such guy isn't exist in this whole wide world called Earth. Maybe they are there, but either is taken or gay. Ironic. I had stopped dreaming of getting a perfect guy years ago, I had abandoned my dream of having a wedding longgg time ago. I made my own rules, fortress and principles but still, I fell for his charm. Too bad. I was way too lulled by the beauty I saw before my eyes. Too worldly, I know.

Well, now everything had been said and done. Truth had been revealed. Lessons are learned. Karma had been paid (speaking of this, I assume this is the karma I got from hurting Mario last year. So I gotta deal with it and live with it so it's done here. Period.) I got nothing else to do here but move on. I have to leave the path that isn't for me immediately and run to the way He had already prepared for me, which I know is much better and will be best in time.

I say a little prayer for him--not to be burned in hell (although it's way much easier and satisfying to do, lol)--to make it happen to buy his dream Harley someday instead of many mere motorbike he doesn't really fond of, to feel the love and grace of God, to experience true happiness and peacefulness he has been looking for. And also for all the girls--both victims and volunteers--to get the love they all long for in their lives and to be happy with a monogamous relationship they will be or are in. Amen.

I went to Bandung last Thursday night for my best friend's wedding. She had the widodareni (Javanese tradition to "let go" of the daughter in the family to be married) on Friday and I went there with our other besties Livia and her boyfriend, and also Ester and her family. The widodareni was basically holy mass and dinner. I saw my best friend for over 10 years standing there beside her first boyfriend, first love ever, and I prayed the best for her.

The next day was her bridal shower. We attended the private party just us girls, also with Lita who just came from Jakarta with her fiancé Oscar, at the hotel where Irma stayed over. We chat, shared stories and we gave Irma pair of white gold earrings as her wedding gift. Due to the traffic jam we would avoid that night, Ester dropped me and Lita at Ciwalk to wait for us to be picked up.


We hung out at Pasar Tong Tong, inspired by seasonal market festival in Dutch that sell Indonesian traditional stuff. So, the interior of that restaurant is designed more or less like it. It's a nice two-stories shop covered with a lot of wood and bricks and sell Indonesian food. Designs like this are favored lately in Bandung, first applied modernly at Sagoo, and Kopi Lay, Warung Talaga, Mangkok Ayam, and also at Eat & Eat in Jakarta.

The next day, I should've come to Irma's matrimony but didn't because of a reason I will later tell you on my next post, but I hurriedly made up and dressed up and ran over to Grand Serela Hotel where the wedding reception would be held in. As one of the usher, I needed to be there earlier, with my brother. I made it there at around 5.30 p.m.


After rehearsal, the wedding ceremony started by 6.30 p.m. and the four pair of Irma's best friends made lines of ushers with candle in each of our hands. The groom walked down the aisle to fetch his bride and Irma went out from the turquoise tent. They met up at the corner and he went down on his knees, gave her the flower bouquet and kissed her chin. It was beautiful.


I will skip all other details of the party here, cuz like every other wedding parties in Indonesia, it was filled with standing feast, the bride and groom walked around the room to meet and greet their guests, and some wedding toast, slicing the artificial wedding cake, throwing the hand bouquet, and taking photos on the stage.

 
I couldn't feel happier for my best friend, whom I know since our elementary years, who has been listening to all of my problems and whining patiently. She's like the most loyal friend I have ever had. And there she wedded the love of her life, tho their love story wasn't as smooth as others but still they made it. It was truly a romantic yet full of struggle and painful stuff and the fruit is always sweet if you lay your relationship by God's hand at first place.


So, I wish my best lady Irma and Yanto a happy and beautiful new life together, and may God will always be among them through the good and bad, and also beautiful children they will have in the future. CONGRATULATIONS, MY BESTIE!

I browsed through my facebook page and found a link about the latest news of an Indonesian celebrity. Sheila Marcia, 21, had been through a lot during her youth. She was known first by being a cover girl at Gadis Sampul 2004 and had become an actress. She dated gorgeous actors but ended up in jail due to drug party two years ago. I'm not really an infotainment reader/watcher, so I got all of these info from internet.

What made me think twice and concerned about this young girl is the fact that she got pregnant after her time in jail. I assumed she got wild after the depressing year and she had delivered birth to a beautiful baby girl named Leticia. The baby has a father, but the father isn't the husband of her mother. This is quite a common case to happen in Western, but in Eastern, especially in Indonesia, it is very much troubling.

I didn't really care about her at first--since I'm not really aware of celebrities in Indonesia--but when I read the blasphemy comments for her action (that she doesn't wanna get married with Anji, Leticia's father--read it here--and neither does Anji want the marriage, actually) my hands became so itchy I need to write something about it.

I read many girls, especially Moslems (I assumed by their Arabian words written there), don't agree with her decision. Many suggest Sheila to be a Moslem so she can be married with Anji (Sheila is a Christian and Anji is a Moslem.) Many threw slurs toward Sheila, judging that she had done a disgusting behavior and being a very depraved person. I was getting emotional when I read this.

I have always been a supporter to happiness. I believe Sheila had decided what is best for her life, and she is happy about that. I can relate her case to Jesus' teachings where He said in the Gospel something like "when you become naughty and get lost, God will flick you. If you don't react to that and still being naughty, He will poke you. If you still aren't aware of it and get lost even farther, He will hit you. It will go on and on and the punishment will be greater than ever so that you will realize what you are doing and come back to His path."

So that was the showbiz bling and glamor and night life and dark life that made Sheila got lost. She followed the bad influence and being hypnotized by life's worldly pleasure. She got lost farther and farther, and even jail couldn't stop her. Then God made her pregnant at such young age. It was the most horrified punishment I could ever imagine (but that's me, lol.)

I know she had learnt her lessons and is trying to be better now. I think keeping the child and raising her is the best decision a person can do for such case. Unlike many other Indonesian celebrities, she doesn't wanna get married just to divorce two-three years after. She knows herself, she knows the father of her baby, and she knows what is best. I am fully supporting her.

Now, talking about other Indonesian comments, I feel both pity and furious on them, for thinking so narrow and think they know everything. They judge the poor actress by their limited knowledge. It is obvious that they aren't highly educated--but if they are, then they haven't as high IQ. As if they are noble and sinless, they tried to throw stones upon Sheila. But as Jesus said, I oppose them: "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." (John 8:3-11)

I know only a little of Indonesian know the passage (once again, this is a Moslem majority country), but the words of God are always true. It is even written in the Al-Quran to know Jesus (whom they call Prophet Isa) and His teachings. Only not all Moslem have read the Bible, I'm sure. It is only God's right to judge our behavior, not us as one and another. We don't have the right to decide who'll enter the Gate of Heaven, so better be quiet. He who knows everything can see deep into our heart and even Pastor with vengeance isn't a holy person.

This case had made me think a lot. About Sheila's decision to be single (but not single parent since Anji has been a great father, she said), I am totally supporting. About people condemning her decision, I can only say not to judge people by what we know, for we know only a little thing. But the Lord above who owns us, know everything. And not by the measure of how 'big' or 'heavy' your sins are that made you escape the Eternal Flame of Hell, but by what you are doing to get it fixed, for sin is sin, no matter how big or small, it is still a sin and by God's eyes, they are the same. Leave all the judging thing to God and just focus on what you are doing, on your problems, on your life and the relationship with others.

I think we, as human beings, still have to learn a lot to achieve the "Boddhi" or intelligent level or the level above mere humans we are mostly in. The purpose of living is to find the God within us, to be like the image of God, the perfection of our being. I am currently reading Supreme Master Ching Hai's teaching in United Nation Lecture in New York on June 26, 1992, and found several stuff linked with this Boddhi stuff and the purpose of life. I also still need to read many other books and do many more stuff to achieve it, so if you're with me, let's do this together :)

1. I still have an interior design company to create, run and develop
2. I still have to make a visit to some countries, such as America, Europe and Jerusalem
3. I still need to develop myself and contribute the 90% potential I haven't use
4. I haven't even finished my book (remember "leaving legacy"?)
5. I haven't found my true self and God within

Yesterday, I went to get things done with my clients and sold them some of my old novels. It was nice, to get rid old stuff I don't longer use, like what I did to my 100 pieces of cassette last week in Bandung. I thought, I would never ever hear to them again--since we have all the iTunes and MP3 now--so why don't let the room have more space?

Okay, so after stuff with client was done, I went to Central Park with Mom and my brother to meet our cousin, Carolina, with her newlywed husband, Reza, who were just came from Sydney, Australia. We had Indonesian dinner at Java Kitchen, then the six of us (my sister caught up with us after dinner) spent some time at the Tribeca Park.

At 10 p.m., we went back to the apartment as my cousin and her husband went home. As usual, they provided us lots of souvenirs from the koala and kangaroo country. This time, we got a lot of snacks from goji berries, chips and nuts, a bottle of salt for foot reflexion and a cute digicam stander. Thanks to my dearest cousin!! :)

I had been quarreling with my boyfriend about everything for the last... let's see--if it's not the last couple months then.. hey, it had been more than half a year now! It had been awful and getting worse since Feb 2010!

The life in Jakarta for the last couple months had brought me new habit: discussing stuff via BBM (BlackBerry Messenger) with a girl friend till 2 a.m. almost every night. This had brought me some kind of understanding, sometimes enlightened, mostly calming, than feeling deserted away from the one that I love.

I just realized that I had been whining about almost all new stuff in my life. Since my father's departure, I have to support the family's financial by working by myself (well, I always have Mom and siblings helping me but we're doing this not under any company) and dealing with reality that I have to be 180 km and 2 hours away from my boyfriend.

A lot can happen during the time, and so is my heart and mind. By series of events lately, I know that the most important thing I failed to do is being grateful. I haven't been grateful for a long time, therefore I whine most of the time. I tried to do the best I can but still, whining made it all like useless.

OK. Now that I realized it, I try not to whine now. I try to accept the way things are. The condition at home without a father (we're doing OK most of the time, but still, we miss his part of the family), the interior work I have to do, the clients I have to deal with, and relationships with friends, family and boyfriend I have to keep and maintain. Not too hard, actually, but also not so easy.

Meanwhile, Mom had bought a book about true self. The book explains about the many layers of our lives, the difference of mind, soul and spirit, the reincarnation, and the finding of God we all must achieve. This brings me back to most of Coelho's books, the many testimonies about Heaven and Hell I had read, and especially to the book Embraced by the Light by Betty J. Eadie.

This is one of my most favorite book of all. The first book that had me stop whining and complaining about my miserable life about nine-ten years ago. The book told us about Eadie's journey to Heaven in her four-hours-of-earth-time death. She met Jesus but the story I had never ever heard of from any other book is the fact that we all had been there (in Heaven) before the earth was made, before the Big Bang and long before we were born into this world.

She didn't mention anything about reincarnation--perhaps because she was a Catholic and became a Protestant so her memory about another universe was removed--but I believe that they all are connected. Now that Mom's reading the book, I am so much into it, too, and hoping I can find more answers about life, true self and "finding God". I know that when we set my mind to it, the universe will help us to achieve it (Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist, Rhonda Byrne's The Secret, John 16:23, Luke 11:9-10, etc.)

Having a Moslem boyfriend, beside making this a new thing to me, had made me tried to understand the religion. I had opened the holy scriptures of Catholic and Moslem, and found the answer I had questioned for a long time (I am not posting about it here because I think it might sound provoking for some people. I'm keeping it for myself for now but I have found the truth I needed to hear--or read--and I'm satisfied.)

Now, it's time to find answer about my being, my true self--tho I thought I'd found it few years ago--and try to get much closer to God. I know that time in this world is limited, and I had been given chances along my life now and before. But time is running up, and I need to find my way real soon.

So, please pray for me, fellas, for I am still a mere human who tries to find her way to God. I believe it's not too far ahead. But I know that my time is coming sooner than I could imagine. I wish that I can achieve the perfection God wants before my time really ends. For a reference, I found some great readings from the Supreme Master Ching Hai . There is one of her speeches in Indonesian and there is an e-book in English. Perhaps after this I need to learn about Buddha teachings and Buddhism... I know it sounds heavy but we're all going there someday, so why not now? :)