Another Victoria's Secrets

I am discussing about life with few friends lately and I came to some conclusion: I am complicated and my life shouldn't be compared to most people around me. Perhaps it's the understanding level I am now, not mere knowledge nor job but what my mind can bear. I am thankful and grateful for this, but also very much troubled because of it.

The thing is, the guy my heart is involved with lately is not the kind of 'normal' people in general and he is having problems in his life more than other guys in his peers do. For me, he has a one of a kind way of perspective on seeing things around him. His complicated way of thinking made his mind look so beautiful to me and his whole package just made him a beautiful soul.

As more friends are getting married around me, I always look at them a little jealous, because "they are in love, where am I?" (The Weepies) And to see my latest married old friend, Mona, as I browsed through her old pics I thought, how easy one's life can be while it's much harder for the other one? My other best friend, Lita, is also gonna get married within three days, and surely, another "how simple her life is" goes.

But as I discussed my recent worries with Cheryl, she's agree that I am capable to deal with the things God trust me with, and therefore gave me harder cases. Cheryl said, as I could manage problems with Ara so well, I should be able to manage things with this new love, new case better. God wouldn't give me someone to fall in love with who isn't right for me even tho it's wrong to the world, right?

I already knew all of these for quite some time actually, but when I am faced with the fact and feeling now, I am thinking hard and asking myself: "is it worth it?" Because this would really be against the current, tho I've been well-prepared for things like this earlier. Now I am in the middle of a dilemma, to go forth with all of the risk or wait till another boat come by (Chasing Pavements.)

But hey, life is full of risk and the fun slips in between, right? So I guess I'm not gonna chase any pavement now. I guess I just figure out where I should go home to, and I need to claim it soon ;)

For the six nights I am in Bandung this time, I meet friends everyday. I really made the best of my limited time and enjoying every single bit of it. Even on Sunday when I didn't go anywhere, my old good friend Andrea came to get Lita's wedding invitation. We ended up talking for another 4 hours at my living room, from nostalgia to discussing life matters.

Last night Cheryl picked me up with Raffi and we had dinner at Legoh. By 9 p.m. he had to go home with Gita, his sister, so both of Cheryl and I were dropped at Camden and we stayed there for about 4 hours till Patrick came to save the day and drove me home.

Today I got more companies at home than ever before. After Adi's visit at 3 p.m. I got Cheryl and Agatha came by and we had such fun chat and laughters, and even more with added presence of Romulus and Marino later. We were laughing loudly till 1 a.m. at my terrace and they all went home just because we ran out of beers.

But when they are all home, I now feel lonely again. This is perfectly what I hate about love: I hate being rejected and being alone when I am in love with someone. It's just so much better to feel nothing at all than to feel once again the longing and uncertainty and stuff between reality and feeling. The fact is, that I am too afraid to ask and to be rejected, and too scared to lose.

And after this, I know I'd be back closing up and pulling away, being comfortable with just myself and drown with my busy days in Jakarta, a city far far away from sentimental stuff. I guess I'm much better in that area than to play with my heart. So maybe it's best for me to get out of this city once again and just bury myself with anything I can do in Jakarta...

My best friend during high school, Mona, was getting married with Cheryl's friend from church, Michael, so we both were invited to their wedding on Saturday. Unfortunately Cheryl and I just had a long night before and we woke up late. Thankfully Patrick was awake already and he drove me to Sierra to attend the midday reception.




There were also long gone friends attended the wedding since Mona and I were close about 10 years ago. Now we're living different lives but remain in touch. We didn't stay long at the reception and continue the discussion at my house. After Patrick went home, I got the task from my aunt done, washed the car and had a rest.


By almost midnight, Nirwan and Rinaldy fetched me and we went to fetch Rony and Marino at their hotel. We arrived at the Sobbers around 1 a.m. and thankfully the party wasn't over yet. I met Pilly, Dimas and many of Cheryl's friends there it was just so fun I hadn't had fun like that since X2-Equinox days on 2008.


By the way, Michael+Mona's wedding is one of the few weddings I like, to mention Bex+Jules' is still on the top. I don't really like going to weddings but these are the ones I will attend for sure. Perhaps it's because they are creative and fun people and I definitely want something like theirs someday!

Last Thursday I drove around South Jakarta to get my things done at Pela to get coffee samples from Javanegra and Pondok Indah to get Auntie Agnes' klappertaarts I needed to bring to Bandung. Then I headed to Cipete to meet Cheryl and I drove her and my mom to Bandung at around 1 p.m.

At around 1.50 p.m. the traffic was slowing down at KM 26, so I hit the brake slowly. It was still 3-4 meters far from the car in the front and I got time to look at the rearview mirrors and saw the car behind me--about 4-5 meters at the moment I was looking--wasn't slowing down at all, so I screamed cuz I really didn't know what else to do.

There it went, the hard crash from behind that shocked us all. Mom was almost asleep and Cheryl was looking at me for we were in the middle of a very nice discussion at the time. It wasn't the first car crash I was in, but this time I was on the driver's seat.


So it happened that the car from behind was crashing ours and pushed ours to the car in the front and made our car like a sandwich in the middle. The man from the red Hyundai Getz in the front was upset but when he saw that our car got worse condition, he went on and disappeared.

The guy who was driving the silver Toyota Avanza admitted that it was all his fault that he wasn't looking and didn't hit the break, and he offered us compensation for the mess he caused. The tow truck came and brought his car (which happened to be a rental car) and we followed them to Deltamas exit at KM 37 to finish the problem.

It happened that this guy's office was at Deltamas so we made the deal at the parking lot which was done after 2 hours since the accident, and we headed back to Bandung after a short coffee break at KM 43 rest area. We arrived in Bandung at around 6.00 p.m.


After dinner and shower, I went to Irma's house to greet her newborn baby girl Jesselyn Naomi Chen, who was born on Sept 19, 2011 at 10.30 p.m. By the time I went there, Hendra and his mom were visiting too. I'm so happy to see how happy my best friend was, that her dream to have child finally came true.

I drove to KFC Riau after that to meet Arief who bought a pack of Javanegra's 250g Enrekang single origin coffee from that I brought from Jakarta. We ended up chatting and having nostalgia for another two hours. By the time we were done, Cheryl told me she was already at Camden, so I went to see her there.


It was so crowded in the bar and we barely got no seats. Luckily Cheryl got some friends there who already got a table so we joined them. Not long after, Romulus came, then Nirwan, Rony and Marino. Later, Patrick joined us and we moved to Circle K Dago when the bar was closing. It was past 5 a.m. when I got home and I was so tired. But I was so happy as well :)

As I grew older and had experienced more, I found my type of a guy changed a bit. I had always been falling for a handsome, cool, bad boy type, but now I seek for a more gentleman, smart and mature one. Lately, I have another specification of a guy I'm looking for in just one word: WISE.

Problem is, this is just the hardest to find these days. Come on, look around you. There are just so few of a guy--especially around my age (27) who is wise enough. Younger boys are mostly reckless and ignorant, and my peers are just about the same. Even those who are older not wise enough for me in general, so perhaps only middle-aged men can enter my subscription line. D'oh!

When I was searching for an image for this post, only old men with long grey hair, sometimes sitting up the mountain appeared, and only few images of younger men match the keyword, if not referring to certain band or movie. Indeed, it's hard to find a real wise person in life.

As I learned my life lessons, I know that good-looking, smart brain and filthy rich don't last, and often leading us to bad things, for many evils stood behind those labels. But wisdom, is something else. Wisdom sits in higher level of human life, gained whether by life experience or simply granted from God.

Wise guy is a very tempting keyword for me now, tho, for I am trying to do everything in my life according to God's path, and I know a wise guy can guide me thru it all. I had a wise father and I saw how great the fruits of his wisdom were. I want that kind of life for me too, despite of my too secular life here.

Lately I hear a lot of my peers died or get a serious sickness. My cousin's best friend was at hospital for a heart attack and now gotta stop smoking. My senior in junior high was dead because of the arsenic. He was eating sushi one night and drank orange juice (contained vitamin C that is reactive to something in the raw seafood) and died not three hours after.

Yesterday, a friend of my brother's was dead. He got an ASPS disease, which is very rare in Indonesia, that had eaten his bones from the inside. He had lost his right feet because of the amputation for it was very damaged. His both right and left humerus, lung and calf and later his skull were all damaged, too. It was a very painful journey for the last two years for him, and finally he passed away on Sept 13, 00:20 GMT +7, in Bandung.

Tho he is now gone, I believe the spirit and love and memory of him remains in the heart of his family and friends. I personally never know about him until he died yesterday, but very much touched and inspired by his blog. Life teach us a lot of things, but death teach us how to appreciate all. How much things in this world passed us by just like that without us really notice or appreciate that is actually very much worth? You really should read gayot.posterous.com and start to be grateful now!

I just got back from Lita's house, after so long hadn't met her. I got there by 3 p.m. and we had such a quality time. We discussed mostly about our lives and love life, as they are our most favorite topics of discussion. We came into the point where I realized how much healed I am now.

Apparently my meetings with old and new friends in Bandung had helped me out on this, to be the comparison of how I was months ago. Lita said I was closing down myself and looked rather gloomy then, and looking much better and healthier now. Several other friends said about the same thing: me being healthier, no more paleness and so much alive.

I realized myself that I am so much an open person now, both to life and love. I dunno if my last job affected me on this too or not--the fact that work alone can really be stressful and what I need the most is a significant other who understands, not just a settled work and friends. In fact, I do need affection and romance and drama, too, if that I should admit.

Actually I had forgiven and forgot about my ex long time (read: months) ago, but what I didn't calculate earlier was the trauma he caused to me and my family, especially to my mother (because of certain reasons). I became someone who closed the door too early to guys who came knocking and I became too hard-headed person to friends who tried to help out.

Lita said she sees the changes in me, but I personally see the difference especially on my reaction to people around when they ask about my love life or more specifically on boys around who tried to get my attentions. I used to send them away ASAP but now I can see myself loosen up and let them try at least once to see if that can develop into something else. It doesn't work in an instant, but I can see myself progressing on that, and I'm thankful. I changed.

Tho weeks to months ago I thought I would never be cured, time did healed me. Tho how much I neglected help, I realized that I'm not that tough at all. Tho I tried to held my principals (read: pride and idealism) up high, love of God could melt them and touched my soul thru people I would never expected.

Basically, I changed. Time heals. New love cures old scars. All of those are cliché advices passed among people everyday, but are very much true as well. I knew they are true, but when you really experience them on your life, you'd know how deep and thoughtful those advices really are, despite their simpleness (for they are being said every time, every where).

One thing for sure, I know very well my capacity on loving a person, being hurt by them, forgive others, forget the past, and now being healed. Change is okay and necessary sometimes, but in the end, you'd just go back to the person you truly are in time. Changes are important for a better (but not yet known) purpose. And like Leona Lewis's song here, I'm dedicating this song to myself, and to other people out there who are struggling thru some healing. We'll all get better in time, so never lose your faith!

I am spending my holiday in Bandung to the max and met with fun people. I met with my architect friends Pompink and Richard and got enlightenment after the conversations. I met with Ara's friends David, Dimas, Alex, Yanhuar and Maya who gave me great laughs when we were together. I met with my best friends Cheryl, Rachelle and Ratih after so many months being apart from each other. And I met with new friends who are mostly Patrick's friends who are apparently fun to be with.

When I first arrived in Bandung six days ago I wasn't aware that I needed help. It was then when I talked with Richard that I realized how drained my soul was the three months ago. I was working for a business man who has a completely different strategy on doing the project and he unconsciously killed my creativity and passion on designing. I just realized how thirsty I am now, lacking of willing to go anywhere forward.

It happened that this holiday had turned me back on the track. The people I met and the new things I acknowledge truly helped me to find myself back and I am now ready to face the 'reality' (as what Patrick called it) in Jakarta. I'll be back to the city in about six hours so I need to get some sleep now. I am so thankful that I had this extra holiday, it really is refreshing!

It had been months since the last time I came to Bandung, yet nothing had really changed here. I arrived yesterday by Daytrans and spent the day at Ciwalk with Mom. We then went home, fetched my cousin and together with Nathan and Ferry, we went out again.

I was dropped at Legoh to meet Livia and Irma there for dinner, then Cheryl fetched me. We then went to Nav Sukajadi for one-hour karaoke time and met up again with Livia and her friends Maria and Dian. We all then went to OJ's Tavern.


The thing I love about OJ's is that everybody is well accepted here and the owners, Om John and Tante Gita, treat everyone as a family. I even brought Mom there, and Cheryl brought her Mom too. So everybody got companions and everybody was happy.


I was extremely happy myself, for I hadn't have fun like this for quite a long time. It had been all business in Jakarta and it's like a refreshing thing for my soul. It was a heck of fun and I'm definitely loving it. This is the treasure I'll keep in my life.

I basically didn't go anywhere during the one-week holiday, cuz my family is all in Jakarta and we don't celebrate the Ied Mubarak Day. I spent most of my time with family and very little with friend, then ended the season by shopping with my brother. We both got shoes and we had dinner with his friends at Sanpachi Ramen, Muara Karang. The holiday was truly a healer for a stressed body and mind, and I am so glad my part-time contract was over so I can start fresh projects now.


Oh, and I watched the last movie of Harry Potter yesterday, all by myself, just because everybody else had watched it and I really didn't wanna miss it.

For me, this isn't a mere thriller movie. The message is too obvious to be understood: God's plan isn't based upon how we feel or think about it. It had been written, it had been adjusted. We still have free will and chances, but above all that, our fate had been planned. Gosh, this movie's kinda hitting me.

Now I'm at the point of blacking out. I got my dearest people set their backs upon me and in the middle of job crisis. I dunno why but I got way too many things I'm interested on and just can't focus on one because things are coming my way just too fast. Now all I wanna do is hitting the pause button and get relaxed. But I just can't. World's still spinning and time's still ticking, but things aren't really changing.

The movie (which was based on a short science fiction story "Adjustment Team" by Philip K. Dick) said that when we do things not according to plan, stuff will be adjusted with our reasoning to get our mind's back to the plan, so that things are going the way they are meant to be.

I'm looking around myself now and it's becoming clear that God had planned bigger things for me, but first I need to sacrifice some part of myself, and they are what had been the most important ones in my life: love and friendship. Right now at this very moment, I feel like I've lost everything of it, being left only with problematic jobs and (thankfully) a lovely family.

Sacrifices need to be made, for "if thy hand offend thee, cut it off; it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched." (Mark 9:43, KJV.) And I guess these stuffs are related to each other for David Norris was planned to be a president but his love to Elise could lead him off it, and vice versa with Elise's fate.

I always knew that I'm meant to do large stuff, but my affection to the guy I love and to the friends I cherish time with is distracting me from the main goal and I just need to be apart from them all. I need to be focused on my goals. But sometimes, we feel the things we shouldn't feel and think about the things that are actually will cause us getting farther from our settled fate.

I am not saying this would be easy. I don't think it's easy at all. I must admit now that I'm at my lowest point of my soul interaction needs, tho my jobs are getting good and I can feel that I'm getting nearer to the goal. Somehow, the winner stands alone. There ain't not much space for too much people up there. The mountain always has pointed top above and larger bottom on the ground. Leaders to people are 1:10.000, or so.

But just like my name, I am designed to be on top, a victor. I am set against the current. Sad but true, I need to leave everything to follow the plan. I tried to do things my way once and it didn't work well. Things get messy and now my heart shattered into pieces. I can feel myself a little numb in there and there ain't nothing I can do about it. It's all about sticking to the plan, moving on and never look back.

I am still managing myself with this new situation here: the third month at aunt's place, an end of a job contract, and at point where friends are getting lesser and lesser and good ones are terribly hard to find. Don't ask about love. I don't feel like I still have the capability of loving no more. I guess, above all, what I lost here is trust. I feel like I can not trust anybody at all. And from there, I'm losing my trust on myself.

I know I'm sounded pathetic now and I'm really losing it. But I don't cry. Perhaps I've done that enough already in the past that I don't cry these days. I don't feel things the way I felt before. I am getting numb here and there and I'm so afraid of turning into a life zombie, cuz I think my life (apart from my jobs) now is so much a mess.

Guess I need a help. Or I just need a little more time with God. Funny thing is that I'd always been an independent adventurous girl. Now, I feel like I need my Mom much more than ever. It's like my soul needs hers to develop great minds together but situation are saying differently. I will say that life is working in a very not understandable way, but that's life anyway. In the end, we just need to follow the plan God had written for us, or make our own way if we are certain of the goal. I'm doing the first option. I hope it's the best thing to do.