Another Victoria's Secrets

If you are going through a difficult time in your life, please remove the suicide option from your list of solution. This phase you're going through isn't easy, I know. But you'll get through this too, I promise. Meanwhile, there are things you can do, actually. Keep following here:

1. Get Outta There!

If wherever you are makes you feel stuck, get out! Anything that keeps you from happiness, get rid of it! You deserve to be happy, to enjoy life, to be loved. And if you've been this introverted person who doesn't go out or just closing yourself off from others, that needs to be changed. Going out can make such difference, because our house/room is bordered with (at least) four walls and sometimes it keeps us from being positive.

This can also means to quit a job, quit a negative circle of friends, quit things that don't work out for you. You are the captain of your vessel and you have every right to determine which are the best things for you. Stop listening to those comments or complaints they attack you with. Stop following the tight diet and extra fashion rules that make you feel even more unpretty than ever. Stop watching the news if that bothers your head and disturbs your peace.

Stop consuming the alcohol/drugs because all they do is creating illusion and temporal excitement for you. They don't solve your problems and you're just running away of what you're supposed to face with. Stop it.

You need to figure out all the negative aura around you and start avoiding it. Just leave. (This doesn't mean to leave your responsibility!)


2. Seek God

Although I'm not always religious, the feeling of knowing that there is a Superior being watching over you can help a lot. I was taught to see God as a father figure, so it really helped me feeling close to my God. I dunno what religion/faith you are, but you can always create a figure if you don't like all the existing ones. Seek for God. Try find it by attending mass/prayers, listening to religious teachings, reading the holy scriptures, and discussing it with the people around--find at least 10 teachers so you can get better image of God.

Sometimes people seek God in the wrong places (watch this movie). And today it's not really that easy to find God. There are so many teachings, religions, sects. I 'found' God from church and books. It's not just from the religious books but also from other books. I read everything, especially about spirituality. I don't know which one suits you better because each of us has different ways and capability. But to me, it's deliberating to know that we have such hope for a better ending,

But what's most important is that you try all methods before giving up just because of a little disappointment that things don't turn out the way you expected it. You need to understand that God works in different way than what we know. Unlike in school, God put test first, lessons later. So don't lose faith, keep on going, just move forward, and one day you'll see what's all that fussy are about.


2. Seek friends

I know real friends is not easy to find. You may have 1000 friends on Facebook, but zero in real life. I am a social but timid person. I have so many acquaintances but only several I call friends--whom I go to whenever I feel most depressed. It's true when they say friends can make life a little bit less stressful. A problem shared can instantly lighten up your burden. So find a friend and share things with them (but don't rely on them to make you happy because they're also human and you can't depend on human no matter how special they are for you.)

I met my best friends when I was 26 years old, after I lost my father and dumped by my boyfriend (who promised a marriage months before). In the midst of my despair, two girls showed up and proved their friendship by being there for me, support me, and . Cheryl and Rachelle were the very first girls I call my best friends. When I moved to Bali when I was 28, another one showed up. Her name's Ana (tho I knew her for 10 years already that time).

Hardships really meant to filter things for you. The good ones stay, the rest will be gone. So if you haven't found a true friend now, don't worry. It's not that you've traveled the world to seek one, right? Your best friend might be there already, only you're too busy to notice him/her. Just keep looking for them. You may need more than one friend in life, because sometimes there are everyone for different reasons--it's okay. Just have someone around, at least.

And if you don't have any right now, you can always contact me. My socmed accounts are applied everywhere on this blog. Feel free to talk to me if you need it!


3. Seek for shelter

It's like building a fortress to hide every time the depression attacks. I seek for shelter in music. Listening to calming indie music makes my brain relaxes and my tense loosen up, especially as a lullaby before getting to sleep, because depression comes mostly at nights, like the monster under the bed.

If things become so unbearable, I seek greater protection (read: distraction) by watching movies. We're lucky that movie streaming and cable TV program are much easier to access nowadays. I watch mostly comedies to wash away any negativity and feeling much better after that. Avoid melodramatic romance flicks or European indie movies if you're feeling depressed because it could make things worse. Seek for anything fun and upbeat to at least make your aura clearer.

Build yourself this 'runaway' thing you can do every time you feel desperate, just to distract your mind from the desperation and to find excitement to this life again. This can be anything, but to me listening to music and watching movies are the easiest to do especially when you're home alone.


4. Seek love

It's not about finding someone to love or to date, but about finding the love for yourself. This isn't an easy task, because to some people we are our own greatest critic. We often feel like we're not enough, unloved, and unwanted. Most of time we fall for the negativity--it's easier to take. But we must fight it. Seek for positivity instead!

We learn from Frozen the movie, that fear makes everything worse, and love is always the answer. Love is hard to explain and sometimes be mistaken with lust or obsession. Love it way greater than that. Love is about receiving all the blessings and compassion from our surroundings, receiving what God has given us. Love is all about accepting who we are, all our flaws and mistakes, our body shape and its imperfection, and be grateful about it. Love is letting go and moving on. Love is having the faith. Love is the 'even though', not the 'because of'. Love is all about accepting, not expecting. Love is about being grateful and thankful. Love is about giving, not taking. Love is all that, and more!

Remember that Pooh said to Piglet: "If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you." (A.A. Milne)


5. Seek for purpose & motivation

Most of us don't know why we are born. Mark Twain said: Pinterest as the best place to seek for motivation whenever I lack of it. Reading those encouraging quotes could really brainwash you to be a positive person.

Another option is joining mailing list, group, motivational seminars, or anything that can bring you positive energy. Avoid being alone. I know how being alone can really lead to thoughts of suicidal. Even until now I still get desperate at nights, especially when I have no one around. It's not that you can't be alone, but if your mind is still full of negative thoughts, hang around with energetic people can help. They said 'fake it until you make it', and so must you. Train your mind to think positive until one day it works automatically.

Making short-term goals is also a method to distract our depression. Make long-term goal in life and short ones to make it easier for you to achieve it. And once you accomplish something, give a little reward to yourself for appreciation. It may look cheesy, but your soul and subconscious mind will thank you. Build yourself around this self-appreciation that will eventually build your self-confidence. You can do it!


If you're reading this and still feeling unworthy, don't stop here. It's not an instant thing. Everything in life must go through a process and you are in a process too. Below are more encouraging quotes to help you go through this moment. Bear with me here:

1. Never compare yourself to others.
2. Believe that you are enough.
3. Never set your standard too high. Be easy on yourself.
4. But don't sell yourself to other's standard.
5. Be flexible.
6. But have your grounds and don't let others dictate you.
7. You are the captain of your life.
8. You have control over this life.
9. But there are things you can't control. Accept that.
10. Remember that everything happens for a reason. If it happens, it has the reasons.
11. Know that we can't control what happens for us, but we can control how we react to it.
12. Know that sometimes things can get out of control and it's okay.
13. Nothing and nobody is perfect.
14. Accept your flaws.
15. It's okay to make mistakes, as long as we don't dwell in it.
16. Know that what matters is how we fix things.
17. Avoid melancholy, depressing songs.
18. Avoid any self-pitying songs.
19. Listen to a more calming, relaxing music.
20. Listen to an energetic, upbeat music.
21. Read books.
22. Be active in an organization.
23. Be part of a movement.
24. Learn to dance.
25. Move your body and do that workout.
26. You don't have to fit in the society.
27. You are who you are. Don't try to be someone else you're not.
28. You are unique. Embrace that.
29. Give something to those who are in need.
30. Remember that we are not tested for more than we can endure.
31. Remember that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
32. Know that worrying doesn't solve anything.
33. Know that true warriors face their problems, not runaway from it.
34. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start doing something about that.
35. Stop acting like you are a victim of a situation and grab control over it.
36. Don't believe everything you think at night.
37. Not everything you hear is true.
38. Never beg for love, affection, or attention. If it isn't given freely, it isn't worth having.
39. Someone who really loves you will fight and do anything to be with you.
40. Forgive yourself. Again, and again, and again. Do it until you find that peace.
41. Let things go. Sometimes it can make your burden lighter.
42. Move on. The past is dead, and all we can do is move forward.
43. Brainwash yourself with encouraging quotes before sleep.
44. Practice yoga in the morning and set goals for each day.
45. Do good deeds. Helping people out can make you feel better.
46. Remember that your story isn't finished. You are still in the process of making
47. God has a plan for you. Trust Him.
48. Your parents do love you no matter what. Send them love today!
49. Don't wait to be loved. Love first, and you'll be amazed at what you get.
50. We have the free will.
51. But everything in life has its own consequences.
52. Nobody can hurt you unless you let them to.
53. Anyone trying to bring you down is already below you.
54. If you feel injustice, it's not your fault. It means you have to learn to stand up for yourself.
55. Speak up.
56. Sometimes you don't get the closure. Not for now, but you will. Just keep going.
57. You are responsible for how you act, no matter how you feel.
58. Not everything you feel is permanent.
59. Time will heal.
60. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error.
61. You can say NO without giving an explanation.
62. You deserve to be happy.
63. Happiness is a state of mind.
64. The comeback is always stronger than the setback. Take your time.
65. You are capable.
66. You owe no one to prove anything to. Just do your thing, ignore the others.
67. It's not easy, but it's not impossible either.
68. Never regret something that once made you smile.
69. Surround yourself with people who push you to be your best self.
70. Know when to quit something.
71. Some things have to finish to allow something else to start. And it is always a better one.
72. Travel. It will open your mind.
73. Take that vacation offer. You deserve it.
74. Learn something new everyday.
75. Go someplace new every once in a while. It doesn't have to be far. Just new.
76. Know your worth. (Then add tax.)
77. You are special. There is no other person like you. You are someone's favourite!
78. Eat that cake. You don't have to stay in a diet that makes you suffer.
79. Train your mind to think happy thoughts.
80. Smile. It's contagious!

I will keep updating this list, feel free to copy-paste and do anything to keep yourself motivated. Do comment if you have something good to share. Let's spread the love and positivity!


*) Main image was taken from Pinterest

This morning we're all shocked by the death news of Chester Bennington. This happened to be the second suicide case I heard this week. The first one was a local guy named Oka, ex of a socmed celeb, who took his life due to his incapability of paying his debt. I wasn't sure about that because I'm not really interested on the news. But this news today about Linkin Park's lead singer, really tickled me.

What's really bothered me is that he hanged himself on his late best friend's birthday. Chris Cornell, lead vocalist of Soundgarden and Audioslave, also hanged himself just recently on May 18, 2017. He was 53 when he died, and Bennington was 41. Both are said to kill themselves due to depression. It's just kind of sad, isn't it?

The ironic part is that Linkin Park had taken part of most of our teenage years, when we struggled fighting the puberty and rebellious spirit. Bennington's music had spoken on behalf of our unsaid emotions. His music represented our hold-up anger, depression, anxiety and desperation. He had helped us get through all those horrible years. So it's so sad that he couldn't survive his own demon.

In Bennington's case, it could be that he was inspired by Cornell's death. But it's just a terrible thing to follow! You don't need to follow that path. Suicide doesn't end your problem. Your life here may be ended, but your spirit and soul would suffer for the unfinished business you got in this world. If you could think outside the box, you'll see why or how or whatever it is that you've been questioning for.



I was in that phase too. I hated life, I hated people. I hated the fact that my parents had to move to Bandung in 1992 and I had to adapt to the unwelcoming new town. I felt that my true friends were in Jakarta, but it wasn't the time of telecommunication and social technology so we lost contact. I didn't like the people in Bandung because they were being too exclusive for me. I wasn't and couldn't be like them, so I didn't feel accepted as a person in the society. I had to be like them or else I wouldn't have friends.

I was mad because my parents didn't have enough money to send me to Jakarta or Canada (where my grandaunt was) for school. I even blamed my grandpa for bringing my grandma into Indonesia, the place I don't feel belong to because I always think differently. I was bullied in junior high school just because one of the most-wanted seniors liked me. I didn't feel safe growing up in that town. I felt like everybody was my enemy. The girls in my peer hated me because I hang out with the boys. (Well, I hang out with them at first place because the girls didn't make me comfortable--too much gossiping and comparing and competition and all those too girly stuff I didn't get to. Meanwhile the boys were all about fun and laugh--of course it was easier to hang out with them.)

Going on high school wasn't easier. My new school was Chinese majority, with a totally different new values I had to adapt with. If blending wasn't easy in junior high then high school was worse. I couldn't follow my fellow schoolmates' taste in fashion or value in life. It was those times when you are judged by the size of your bust and it was uncomfortable. I was once again an outcast. I had an identity crisis by trying to follow the current, but still, I was stranded.

I remember well those afternoons after school that I'd be crying at home for having no friends at school. I was 13 back then. I remember the feeling of wanting to die and how I said to my mom how I hated her for giving birth to me (I know it's such a cruel thing to say to a mother) and that all I wanted was to die. I had those moments when I was considering to kill myself because I couldn't stand the pain. It wasn't a physical pain, but for people who feel so deeply as I do, the struggle is real. And it could be too consuming.

I was lucky that my parents fed me with enough religious teachings from Catholic background that I survived that time because of the fear of eternal sin for taking my own life. Then when I was 14 I was introduced to series of church retreat and prayer fellowship. It really helped me going through the teenage life, because they brought us closer to God, to get to know more about the Gospel, and to have faith and hope. I was saved, once.


But it wasn't the end of the story. I still didn't like living in Bandung, but in my college life I was introduced to Paulo Coelho's books. The first that bound me was The Alchemist. Then, I found The Fifth Mountain, from which I was highly encouraged. The book taught patience and endurance, of the prophet who was forced to stay in a city he didn't like, just because he had a task he must fulfill before he could go out from the city. I took it that I had a task in Bandung so I bore with the challenge and tried my best to serve others while I could.

At one point I was introduced to Betty J. Eadie's Embraced By The Light. It talks about reincarnation, after life, and purpose of life. I was enlightened. I knew now that we human are just a small thing in this big universe, but still each one of us has purpose. I guess it was the turning point of my life, that I knew life isn't as small as what we think. Our brain and knowledge may be limited, but this universe is not. It's just wonderful to know the secrets this world is hiding, what's missed by our eyes and ears. I guess knowing this helped me much on thinking big, on seeing the bigger picture--that we are part of a bigger plan.

Once I figured this out, I tried to search for the root of the problems. It seems that childhood education and affection hold important keys here. Good parenting is crucial. Still, no matter how good the parenting is, each kid is different. Some is stronger, the other is weaker. We just have to know which one is us/our child. But to take it further back, I think children who are born in a happier family tend to be happier in life. So it's important to maintain love and harmony in your family.

I guess that's why I refuse the requirement of labor. I don't think I could take all the responsibility of being a parent. Not that I'm not capable physically, but more mentally. An old friend said, I'd make a great mother. I guess it's true. But being a mother isn't always giving the best for her child. It's also doing good for herself. A good mother and a happy mother can be two different things. And I know--don't ask me how, I just know--that I'm not gonna be happy being a mother. I can't accept the idea of it. It really doesn't suit my soul, so I'm dropping off that option.


I know that life can be so depressing sometimes. Life can be too heavy for us. But it will all pass. Nothing in this life stays the same, and so is depression. If only we can learn to stop a bit, look around and be grateful for the littlest things around us, life can be so much easier to bear. And I knew I wasn't the only one wanting to suicide, but I survived the depression. You must know that you're not alone. If you're struggling with this, read my next post here and help yourself. Remember, you're never alone!


*) Main image taken via wordpress

My aunt had been talking about this movie for ages but I just watched it last night. I don't think many of you have watched it too, knowing that this is an Indian movie (but with minimum epic Bollywood style!) I had underestimated Aamir Khan's previous hit movie 3 Idiots (that I became a fan of), so I knew this movie should be good--but I always forgot to find it anytime I wanted to watch a movie. But last night, I finally watched it and felt so grateful I did. (FYI, this movie is India's third highest grossing film worldwide!)

The movie plot starts with an alien--later called PK, mistaken from the word peekay (drunk)--who arrived in India to study this planet but got his remote control stolen so he had to stay and adapt in the world's most dense, heterogeneous, developing nation. In his search he had to learn about people from the scratch: about human nature and their need to seek and praise God. The movie is all about religion and its importance, but also criticize the ways some religions 'contact God's wrong number' and drive their followers in the wrong direction when religion is made a tool for some party to gain wealth.

I like everything about this movie: the plot, the message, the casting, the chemistry, the costume, the setting--everything! I love the girl playing Janggu (Anushka Sharma) for being so flawlessly beautiful with her pixie cut hair that already shows her rebellious soul, Sarfaraaz (Sushant Singh Rajput) for being Janggu's compatibly handsome boyfriend, and of course, the weird-looking alien PK (Aamir Khan).

I really think everything is well-thought in this movie, unlike the infamous Indian movie style that sometimes 'so out of the box' it drives us crazy. Everything in this movie is proportional and natural (well except for the Belgian grandpa who speaks Indian on the first scene). Just another reason to be a fan of Aamir Khan! (And you should watch his latest movie Dangal--he's being all-out there!)


I think this is the kind of a movie everyone should watch. The two-and-a-half hour movie gives us details on PK's progress in search of this God from zero, with some witty touches here and there, and a bit of satire on daily habits found in India, like losing sandals in temples--they're shown explicitly so even those who couldn't 'get the hint' would understand the message. The movie duration may be lengthy, but one thing I assure you: you won't get bored watching it.

PK is us when we first came to this world: naked, pure, know nothing about how things work here. We then learn from our surroundings; adapting with the culture, the language, and later the life principles. First we copied the others, we drink what is offered. But like PK, we must too be critical about life. We must ask ourselves if it's reasonable or are we doing it merely because of our fear and just because we want the reward promised in Heaven? And is it done in the right way that would give benefits to the others, peace for the world--or does it bring hatred and war instead? Are we doing it right?

The movie is a reminder to us that there are many religions, teachings, ideologies, sects, cults, etc. in this world and each of it claims to worship the right God in the rightest way. And sometimes, having too focused on this, we forgot the true essence of worshiping God. Sometimes it all became too fleshy, too materialistic, and made us feel the most righteous of all. It would drive us to arrogance and--worse--fanatical and hypocritical. This movie would definitely open our eyes and broaden our mind.

The movie also reminds us to always differentiate which God we are praising: is it The One who created us, or the one we created? The comedy drama goes way deeper than it shows: it really triggers us to reach within and ask ourselves: is the image of God that we have in mind is really the God that is out there?


I guess not just in India and Indonesia, this movie could relate to everyone in this world, especially now that we've become too attached with labels and could be too hardcore and would go to the extremes. We need to reevaluate our values in life: is it really that important, these labels, that made us gods to our neighbors and judge them by what we see? Since when we're so knowledgeable about everything, when what we really know is just a tiny dot in this universe?

The movie speaks about humility, humbleness, sincerity, pureness, love, and most of all, our relationship with God. Although there is a UFO and alien in this movie, the movie isn't about atheism or science. It combines the facts with the human need to find God within ourselves--and to not merge our beliefs with our social lives. What we believe--our religions--is private. Don't let it interfere with--or hold us back from--the people we love. It's something that is hard to understand, especially here in this eastern part of the globe.

Ironically, while the innocents could teach us so much about true love and purity, as Janggu said, what we teach them to be human is how to lie--although it's for the better good, although it's a sacrifice for a beloved one. Sad, but true. And it's really a part of being human we sometimes learn the hard way.

So, if you haven't watch this movie, you really should! Even if you're already so broad-minded. Even if you don't believe in God. And especially if you think you're already the most righteous person in the world.

Some people are lucky enough to have their dads live long life, and some have to be tough for not having a chance to even know theirs. Well I guess I'm somewhere in the middle here. Almost all my life, my dad had always lived far from us. He studied in the USA when my baby sister was born, and worked in Jakarta or traveled around Indonesia when we lived in Bandung. We got to see him only on weekends, and it really wasn't enough for us to get to know each other.

We finally got the chance to live together with our dad for only two years top, and that was when we stayed in crowded small apartments in both Sudirman and Tanjung Duren areas--a year each. Actually, Daddy didn't get to live for a full year in the second apartment. He died in December 2009 when he was 59 years old, leaving a big hole in our hearts and lives...

But somehow I'm rebuilding my life around his paths. And in each step, I get to know him a little better, putting the pieces of his world that he had been keeping from us. And for now, I'm going to say proudly than ever, that I'm my daddy's daughter. (I've been meaning to write this on his 'supposedly' 67th birthday last June 9--as the 60th birthday present we never got to give--but I was so preoccupied I just had the time now..)



1. He helped me get born

My dad was a doctor. He never take any medical specialist and later he got his MBA degree. But when I was born, he was on his co-as duty positioned in a community health clinic in Wolowaru, a small village three hours away from Ende, NTT. Being the only doctor around, I wasn't even born in a hospital. A Western nun named Sr. Christina took the role of being a midwife and my dad was her assistant. I guess it's true that children feel closer with father who attends their moment of birth. I had my dad helped me get born. Maybe that's how emotionally close I was with him.


2. They say I look so much like him

I never get how people could say that I look like my dad (while my siblings got more of my mom's look), because every time I look at the mirror, I never see him. I got my grandpa's eyes, my grandma's skin, my dad's nose, but not more than that. But it doesn't mean that I don't like it. I enjoy being told that I look like him. I love that. It's just that I can't see it myself and every time anyone says that, I'd feel extremely happy. It's just nice to hear this. And my heart, I know I got it from him.



3. I got my writing skill from him

I never knew this, but few years back I just knew that my dad had a column he used to write on Hidup, a national Catholic magazine. But I knew he used to have translation projects for second income, and now I'm paying my bills from the writing jobs. We always knew that we got the geek part from our dad, because almost all of his family are super smart people (and we got our artistic part from our mom.) So yeah, even though none of us followed his path to become a doctor, at least I got some of his skills.


4. He's always been the rebel

I never realized this before, but recently my sister said that she remembered how I was being a teenager: I was hard to tame and rebellious. I thought I got that from my mom, but I think I got it from both of my parents, only in different forms. Being a doctor, my dad was overly open to any 'alternative' healing methods: from acupuncture, Chinese medicines, Reiki, and Eastern martial arts. He was up to any theory, be it common or not; his curiousity and eagerness for learning were limitless. I guess that's why I like to get to know stuff that are a bit odd, spiritually interesting, and just against the current. I really am that geek.


5. I'm following his path

It didn't take me long to realize, but the novels that I'm writing right now are one of his legacies. We got our Bantenese/Javanese royalty line from him and his guardians are the ones who guide me. I was raised far from any cultural traditions, but now I'm learning more about our ancestors, and have found the missing pieces he had been keeping from us. I wasn't planning to--wasn't even close to thinking about it, really--but I guess I'm guided to this path and I'm so much grateful for every bits of that.



So, if you're reading this from Up There, Dad, I'm thanking you for my life. I love you. And I miss you so much.. XXX<3 br="">