Laugh at me, but I just watched the most waited movie (but I missed it on theaters): Black Swan. It was a truly brilliant art of work, a marvelous masterpiece, le magnifique. I was totally absorbed into the movie and amazed by all Portman's total act there, for her exquisite ballet moves to her hard struggle on turning into perfection.

By the end of the movie, as I exhaled the remained emotion, I realized that in life sometimes we must get thru that phase, too. The phase that is so painful, asked a lot of sacrifice, requires rivers of tears, and dilemma, and a battle against ourselves... leaving our pure, innocent, idealistic life behind into a more loosened up, wild, but flexible... just to reach perfection.

This life--like in the Swan Lake where we are the main role--is the routines and practices toward the performance day. The stage will be our judgment day, and the audience will be God Himself. Thru the routines--our daily life--we are given chance to practice, perfecting our moves, so that in the final show we could give our best and amaze the audience.

I remembered my life for the past few years. I saw a lot of tears and groans, tightened fists and trembled jaw, wounds and scars, battles and struggles... as the thorns of 'black swan' started to grow inside of me, pushing to get out and release itself. I should say that it was all hard and painful, but now that it finally came out, I would say it's all worth it. All I can feel is peace and perfection.

I don't say that my life is that perfect already, but in the field that I've been struggling with since my adolescent years--love--I would say that it had reached its top. But if other people go tumbling down, I won't. I am going to keep being on top, or better be, to go way more up. Only, the ground I am standing on won't be just another mountain's earth.

To go farther beyond mountain, the only way up is by flying high. Or step on the clouds, if possible. I am relying myself to God now, keeping my heart glows by His love only, not mere human's. When you have reached the position I am now, you would understand what I am talking about.

Like any other normal female parent, my mother is worried sick of me being still single at 27. She keeps buzzing around my head about finding the perfect guy, possible Mr. Right, future husband. I dunno why but it all just way behind me now. I am not sick about love or avoiding it, I simply left it. Love doesn't sound that yummy anymore to me, but power and money do.

It is not about being materialistic. In this world we see how different issues indicate in which level a country is at. Developing countries deal with poverty stuff and love affairs, while developed ones deal with getting more and more power. I, so do I assume, had left the developing stage of my life. I am developed now, and wanting more power for a perfect final show.

Please pardon my arrogance I've put for the last few months. I know that I am being such a pride person, but I try my best to keep stepping on the ground. It's just that life isn't really that friendly and I need this cockiness to deal with certain stuff to survive. I am not sacrificing my love life like most people thought. It's just that it doesn't really matter to me the way it used to be.

I know that this stage isn't my own. But as long as no one want to get on, I would take the lead here. In this stage of life, I take full control of my part, and trying my best to perform quite a show. I also know, that the stage will not always be mine and someday I will have to step off. Until then, my friends, I am gonna shine on.