Yesterday, for the first time since months ago, I felt black. It was weird, since I'm normally being extra positive all the time. But for one day yesterday, I suddenly felt so alone. I felt like I have no friends at all. It was all started weeks ago, I guess, when family and friends tried (not seriously, maybe) to hook me up with some guys.

Lita asked me why do people around me always try to hook me up with anyone, and I was thinking: why? Perhaps they just don't like seeing me being an independent solo fighter, or maybe they simply don't trust my taste of men. Or for many other reasons, I have no idea. But it made me think hard: why should people keep telling me that I "need to be more serious about relationships"?

I was serious and look what happened to me. Now I'm being easy and still people are commenting. I got my own trauma, too, and I am dealing with it behind the thick wall I built on the outside, so why don't people just give me a break from it? It's so much troublesome, really. But this wasn't what made my mood dropped, actually. This could be just the trigger.

I needed to buy some stuff yesterday and usually my sister would accompany me to go shopping. Yesterday, she and my brother both refused my request and I ended up going alone to Taman Anggrek to shop at night. It wasn't the fact whether I can or not go shopping alone. It was just that it would be much nicer to have someone's company.

My thoughts were drowning deeper. I was thinking that all these times I kept my mood positive and high so whatever moods my siblings are having, I could always be the one who turns things to be better. I remained peaceful and easy going the whole time, but now that I needed them to accompany me, it just made me realize that we really can't depend on anyone in life, not even those who you trust and put on hopes to the most. We'll all just die alone anyway.

And as I sat alone at Tribeca Park for maybe 2 hours, I thought maybe I do need a life partner, since people are having their own lives and problems. I am so used of taking care of people's problems and forget that I need someone's shoulder too, sometimes. Maybe even that we all die alone, we still wanna live this life with a company beside us. Beside me.

It was funny that even in my ugliest mood I didn't go to anyone at all. I went through the dark hours alone--which was never my habit. I've always have people around and to go to. I think I became a true choleric who don't need anyone to make up their mood. What a change I had been thru!

Anyway, I did speak to one person last night, tho he's quite a new friend, but I think he's the only person who understands me the best for now. He just lighten up my mood just instantly, thank God I have him around, but I know that it's not him that made me smile. I didn't rely my happiness on him. It was because I wanted him to cheer me up and when he did, I simply glad my wish came true.

This morning, I saw Choky Sitohang's timeline on twitter and he quoted Rick Warren's saying: "You can't make Jesus stop loving you. You can try, but will fail, because His love is based on who He is, not who you are." And I realized, that I shouldn't really expect anything from anyone. I will keep being myself who is full of love and positive energy, no matter if they don't care about it. I'm just gonna love.