Another Victoria's Secrets

My best friend’s 23rd birthday was unexpected. We didn’t make any plan we were just happened to meet in Ciwalk that night on Oct 21st. I was with my man Mario and we met Ian and his gang: Miming, Robby, Mika, Babi, Oky, Tikus and some girls. Then Ester and Boyank came, also Irma and Yanto. We had late dinner at Food Court but it was not really good.

I and Mario met a LOT of our high school friends there, included Dewi and Irma, the girls from Mario’s past. I was a bit jealous but hey he’s with me now so it wasn’t necessary. The girls have their own partners too so why should I be jealous?

My brother and his friends joined us so it made us a big party to sit and relax in Embargo Café. I asked for 20 seats to Abang, the Embargo owner cuz t was kind of difficult at that time, the place was full and we were overloading.

So we were chatting, played cards, meeting old friends. For me, I got pleasure of meeting old pals like Jejenk, Cumin, Audry (whom Ian’s cousin actually), Gama and Helmi. Later Mario said Helmi is still in love with me but I don’t really recall that. They were teacher and student of break dance but in the end the student won the girl’s heart so the situation was a bit absurd. Helmi is a good guy, my former crush before I met Mario, but it was never love between us, it was just a crush.

We took some pictures and suddenly it occurred to me to give Irma a birthday surprise. So I asked Abang whether he had any cake and candle. He promised the cake but instead of cake he borrowed us a bottle of whipped cream. So when the clock hands got close to number 12, I and Mario went inside and Abang gave us the ‘tools’. He opened the backdoor exactly behind Irma’s seat.

I held the tiramisu cake and sang a Happy Birthday while Mario sprayed the whipped cream on Irma’s hair. So it became some chasing game of spraying whipped cream for some minutes before we finally eat the cake. It was delicious and was compliment from Abang.

Well, it wasn’t a perfect birthday party but for a sudden plan it was okay. Actually, it was unforgettable for her. This was her first birthday with boyfriend and whipped cream. We gave Irma her present and hoped it completed her day.

I just joined this Brazilian martial art just today. Luppi wanted to join and she asked me too. So I said yes and we came to the campus by 6 p.m. There we saw people in whites moving like dancing with the rhythm of the drum. It’s just like in Tekken video game, the martial art Eddie using. Or like in other movies I watched, it was beautiful and looked difficult.

I and Luppi then changed clothes and the practice began. They have a unique greeting and always start everything with prayer. They taught us the basic style of caddera and ginga and hole and others. It looked difficult at first but they taught us step by step so it was much easier to follow up.

I start to fall in love with this stuff. You know I joined Tae Kwon Do more than 15 years ago when I was only 7-8. I had to quit becuz we moved to Bandung. And you know that I love dancing. Any form of dancing, from waltz to salsa, from jive to break dance. And I watch any dance movie Hollywood ever produced. It’s just the chance I don’t have all this time to do one.

I hope I can do this for a long term, since this is the only martial art I join and the only active sport I have. I don’t think jogging, aerobic and yoga included to active sports. I mean, the three sports I said was to defeat ourselves. But in capoeira, we do this in solo, duet and in group.

This is fun. Here I get new activity, new knowledge and experience, new people to know and new spirit for life. Btw, “Capoeira” is a lively Brazilian martial art that combines dance, acrobatics and music with fighting techniques. Capoeira is a fun and exciting sport. It is a mixture of body and soul, fighting and dancing, of music instruments and voice requiring the use of mental physical and emotional agility. The emphasis is not on how well you sing or perform but on how much energy you commit to trying.

I told you I have new friend. I can say she’s now one of my closest friends, and to be shortened, she’s my new best friend.

I haven’t known her for too long. I met her at school and suddenly she became my family member (remember the quote that says friends are family we choose?). She blends in well with my blood-family and my best friends too. She has almost the same interests with mine. And now she’s the only live object I look for every time I reach the campus building.

The problem came when I start hear people talking about her. Now that I am close to her I care to hear every word about her. Not that I am looking for rumors but they just seem to find its way onto my ears so I can hear them.

People’s subjection toward her isn’t a good one. Even people around me had warned me becuz our friendship is too sudden and instant. But I tried (and still) to look in the depths. Face and appearance could lie but soul can not. I try to keep cool and not judging anything too soon. I want to know people to their deepest soul so I should not hear the dogs’ bark out there. Not that I am so crazy in love with this new girl and stop listening to the world but the world don’t know her well and so do I. I keep and save all the opinions about her but I try to be not objective about this.

I know now part of her past, not a good or perfect one. I was once like her when I lost my direction in life. All people experience this too, aren’t they? So why judge others when you know nothing about them? I don’t think it’s a wise act to do. And we all deserve to have the same chance to live life, to have friends, to have fun, to express ourselves, to do something wild once in a while, to seek true happiness and meaning of life, to bring out the best in us, to be happy and peace in life.

And remember that there is no such coincidence in life. People come in our way to teach us something. They are whether here to help us or to give us chance to help them. I still have to be careful in steps that I make. I shouldn’t trust anyone too early. I learned this from experiences, especially toward new people I don’t really know (yet). But giving our love thru real actions are way better than standing behind the back talking and give pity to others.

So I’m gonna stand still and keep my friendship with this new girl. I don’t care what people think about her. I’m gonna give her a chance to find her own happiness and for this I think I can offer her my friendship. I did this too before, to one of my best friend, and see what? She isn’t as bad as what people think of her. She can be a good girl when her surroundings support her and I think my new girl now deserves the same chance.

How difficult it is to be a human? How many rules we have to obey in life? I found this kind of difficult to live in my neighborhood. I have some friends who have some issues. Actually everybody have issue, including me. But this time is the peak of all the entire 3.5 years of friendship we have.

My classmates are kind of troubled persons. We have some ridiculous periodical ritual. We tend to inclusive one of us for some time due no reason. This is funny and so childish, but this is us. I’ve had my own time being the inclusive member but I never took it too personal or too much to think about.

Now they are at their peak. I try to be in neutral position because they are all my friends after all. Now I have to think and act maturely. The class has turned into 2 groups. The one don’t like to be talked behind and the other one is the one who always find trouble for herself (of course in every war there’s always 1 person with special intention in each side and people who are in their party are influenced by their thoughts)

So I take one lesson here. That to live in small town like this we have to keep our mouth and not to speak about other people. But it’s kind of hard to hold our passion to gossip or comment. Well, hard doesn’t mean it can not be done. And we have to not putting our nose to neighbor’s cook. It’s like getting involved to people’s problem and it’s so not to be done here.

People are sometimes too busy commenting about others they forget about their own appearance in other’s eyes. They forget to look into themselves in the mirror and this is the bait to another commenting. Well it just looks so hard to live in my neighborhood.

I tried to investigate to the very root of all this weirdness. I bet there are no other classes like ours in any side of the world. When I figured this out, it all came with the ‘wrong’ perception from one of us. She tends to get all things as competition, she has fights uselessly for unimportant things she calls battle field. I mean, it is normal to do our projects the best. But I made my own projects in my best and not to be the best in class. When there’s ambition, anything can rule and evil comes. But she does all the projects with spirit to win the competitions. The result, she disappointed for not becoming number one.

This triggers her ego and this little disappointment has turned over to jealousy and this isn’t healthy, I’ve felt this awkwardness from years ago but I kept it for myself and my best friend. We never confronted her because it’s gonna be useless to tell a wall about its niche in one side. She is a bit stubborn, FYI.

But now she has made some problem with another girl who is frank to tell people and not gonna think twice to confront anyone who messes with her. So then the war begins, the water in the kettle is boiling.

Why being so childish about all this? To smile every time the other is wounded or to talk about other’s without knowing the truth is a very contemptible thing one can do, especially to friends they have known and be together in the same class the last whole 2.5 years.

At first all I did was just smiling when one side complaining about the other. But this can’t take too long, something hotter is coming however. Now we all have to make move and the first side had invited us all to a gathering next week. The other side had told their (I mean, she and her party) grudges to the other side.

I told them that this class is not a battle field or beauty pageant competition. We aren’t rivals, we are all friends. So why not to care more about other’s goodness and care less about their faults. Everyone makes mistakes in their lives, at least once. No people are as holy as God and even saints did sins in their old lives. People have their own issues and they all fight to beat them to be a better person.

So stop exploiting other’s flaws. Check ourselves before try check your neighbor. And put hatred and jealousy and hurt feelings away from us. We wanna make this world a better place to live, not to be more difficult. I think they just have to learn to be mature. And to take note that people are varied from races, religions, characters so with interaction we are all learn to face various kind of people. I hope this class is getting better I’m kind of tired to hear all the grudges every time I meet one of them.

Got too much information in a long day could be quite a burden and tiring. Like a computer that hangs becuz it receives too many orders and tasks (I took this analogy from Mark Haddon’s novel about an autistic boy ‘The Curious Incident of the Dog in Night-time’. Perhaps we should really learn to study details from autistic, sometimes they can describe about something with excellent precise details).

I passed one such day today (this blog was made on Sept 21, 2006). I followed one yogi-pilates class this morning with Mum and Luppi. Then I came to campus by 10 a.m. for team discussion and my lecturer gave me and Tessa some job.

I got the first nag from Tessa during lunch. This was an issue about a troubled girl in our class. That quite made me upset by what she had said but well it wasn’t my problem anyway. So we continued killing time by checking out photos of ours at Singapore. I ran down for some fresh liquid and met Terry with his problem. I tried to help but the fact was sort of bothering me—though it wasn’t my problem at all.

Time for Tessa to leave and I was alone. But not for too long, cuz I met Luppi and the boys outside. We talked—which were more of listening to repeated Anang-KD’s song ‘Tak Pernah Menyesal’. Then it was 3 p.m. already and I went for my class.

We were dismissed before 5 p.m. and I went online for hot spot at Food Federation in GWM campus building. When it got late I moved to SGS building and finished my Jostein Gaarder’s ‘The Ringmaster’s Daughter’ book. And I waited there till after 6 p.m. when finally Ben came.

But before that I had to figure out another friend’s issue. Not that I buy it but it was kind of overwhelming to know people’s bad stuff all in one day. It was kind of proving that no one in this world worth trusting. Especially new people we met. Best friends and family are different subjects. Yeah I think I got too much information today—though you would say ‘what should you care about it? That’s their problems, not yours!’ But somehow they got passed my ears and delivered to my brain and got processed and kept in a memory file somewhere in this head. Somehow these are new information to be sorted about.

At home Clemy asked me to tell stories, gossips, news, like any hot topic to hear. The freshest story I got today was about the issues. So I went there burst out anything I got today and I just felt so sick after that so I turned on my DVD player and watched some movies to help me feeling better. The result was kind of helping—along with 4 bars of Beng-Beng chocolate of course. But I still had to throw these up to somewhere else. And it’s nowhere but to Mario’s ear. So I called him and blabbing and then I got all this just better. Cuz I finally share ‘the burden’ with someone I trust.

And I dunno why this came today but I guess some good news also coming my way. My dean just messaged me and offered me another referenced job. Well perhaps we call it as a ‘promotion’ in working world. And I said yes and this is good though I dunno yet what should I do for it.

But today I had such day by listening to people’s issues and taking 2 jobs from lecturers which were all new tasks for me to hold. Just enough for today I hope tomorrow everything just gonna be better…

I am overjoyed for the last few days. Not becuz I got new crush but I got new best friend. Well it’s still too early to call her a best friend. We just hang out 2-3 times. But I feel strong connection with her. We have sort of same style, same taste, same hobby but not all.

Perhaps I match with girls in initial L. I have already 3 best friends in initial L. Lely, Livia and Lita, or even my mum Linda. And now it’s Luppi. Perhaps L and V are good together, nice combination like LV of Louis Vuitton? Well I am just blabbing but hey, this is good cuz I’ve never thought I could add new best friend on my list, at least before I leave Bandung town.

Luppi is exactly my twin side, we love Jakarta lifestyle to death but we like living in Bandung for its weather. We don’t really like too-Chinese guys or anyone with blonde-dyed hair and we love Donny ‘Ada Band’ very much. We have a similar body type and we interested in yoga and art and shop and hanging out a lot. And these can lead us to have good friendship in the future.

I am so glad for all the blessings I get everyday, for the friends that are “family that we choose”. Though I am not flooded by wealth or a glamorous lifestyle but everything that happen everyday is such blessings to me. And it’s much better to have friends who love me than stacks of gold in bank. Especially with friends who share the same interest with me. I am so glad I found Luppi at campus. Now I have a company to do yoga and shop and have some cream bath or just talking about girls’ stuff, which is good cuz my other girls are now busy with their own paths.

I am very excited. The latest weekend was extraordinary. First, I joined my class to Muara Angke Wetland Center, Jakarta on Friday morning. We arrived around 10.30 a.m. and took pictures and notes about the site condition. There were swamp and dirty river and very unmanaged buildings.

After some photo sessions of narcisstic people, we got bored and hot, but then a surprise came—in form of a Nicolas Saputra—in flesh! The girls went excited and made a little queue for another photo session. Then the group went to Mangga Dua Square and shopped there before leaving the capital city.

And I separate myself from the gang and took taxi to Mario’s place. We waited till work time ended then went to my cousin Iwan’s place. I continued the night with Iwan played billiard at Golden Green while Mario went to work. I played billiard for 3 hours, that was great, and also Reza joined us after 10 p.m.

Saturday noon, I and Iwan found my schoolmate Luppi’s cousin’s house and took her out to Senayan City. We chat at Starbucks and Mario joined us before it was getting dark and we must go home. By 6.30 p.m. we had already at home preparing Uncle Mike’s birthday celebration. The whole big family was gathered, included Anna’s boyfriend Rio, ka Olin’s boyfriend Reza, my boyfriend Mario and my friend Luppi. This was great. Cuz this was the first time ever we brought up young newcomers. I mean, the next generation had grown up.

Then it was 9 p.m. I, Mario, Ben, mas Benny, ka Iwan and Luppi went to EX Plaza and chilled out at Hard Rock Café. The band was great, they played top 40 songs especially the reggae and hip-hop beats. Then Balawan ‘The Magic Fingers’ performed featuring some DJs. But we didn’t really enjoy it cuz the genre wasn’t really ours.

Time came for us to go home then. We traveled around Jakarta from Kebon Kacang to Cipinang, from Senopati to Kedoya. Well that was tiring but that worth it.

Today I and Ben was fetched by Dad by 8.30 a.m. and we spent some hours at Aunt Magda’s home before had lunch at Blenger Burger. I got another pleasant surprise by meeting Nina and Donny by accident. And then we went back home to Bandung by 3 p.m. and got some rest before 5 p.m. mass at The Cathedral. And so it is, the pleasant weekend of mine after being awfully uncertain and hesitated and confused. Hope tomorrow will go more smoothly than yesterday…

Olga, the little dog pet of ours had gone. She went on September 9, 2006, 3 p.m. by fell down the stairs and died on my dad’s lap. She went when all of the family members are at home and she died peacefully.

This is good, cuz she had suffered such great pains since being attacked by neighbor’s herder then she was dying once about a year ago but she survived and kept alive but now, this is just her time to go. She had made us panicked for some times before she finally went away. She had been shaking and stiffed once in a while and also did last Wednesday midnight. That was the worst she had ever suffered.

But then again she had survived I thought she was actually a cat with nine lives. But I was kidding. Well we guessed she was waiting for my dad to come home (he is working in Jakarta) to go. But it was great cuz we were all in home when she died. So we were all there attended her burial.

The thing is that I can’t stand it when I saw her suffering all the pains. When she was lying helpless holding her pain without any sound she was just taking her breathe deeply and closed her eyes. God how could I stand to see an animal dying helplessly without any ability to tell us what she feels or wants or anything.

That’s why I don’t want to have a pet. I can’t take care of them cuz I’m not a very caring person. And I don’t like to communicate with something that doesn’t speak to me. And dogs don’t speak. We can understand but I don’t think I can. So that’s why I don’t really seem too keen of caring of dogs. Not that I don’t like them, I just don’t like to take care of them and to see them suffer.

So I just wanna say these last words to my late doggie. So long Olga! It was been a great 6 years with you here. And now that you’re gone, we’re all gonna miss you. And I am sorry if ever I did something bad to you. I do hope you doing great in there. (don’t think I’m crazy to talk to a dead animal, I just wanna give her some last words)

We reunited last Friday, for the first time since 4-5 years ago… It began when I met Lely at MSN one day then we promised to meet then the meeting was arranged with Ester and Irma too…

And there were we, the 4 of us, together again at The Atmosphere. We shared stories, latest updates about us. How it was different since the last time we were together. Now we are talking about marriage and future plans when it used to talk about guys and school and dreams.

But not much changing because we are still the same person we were back then. I don’t see the change in me-Ester-Irma, because we meet at least once in 2-3 weeks. But Lely stays the same. She’s still this active woman who doesn’t want to grow up. She’s the eldest among us but she acts the youngest. She was still with her unique language and shouted it out loud, she was still the brownies (browndong-manies) lover and now she’s as unoccupied as me and Ester. Irma is the one who works full-time now.

The meeting was great it officially erased the ‘ex-link’ between me and her. We talked as if the F guy never existed between us but at the same time we discussed about him. Well, I never think this was a problem with me—or with her. He’s just the ‘ex’ word, the past guy. So the group was back into 4.  Plus 1 more L which stand for Lita, in Jakarta. I hope the friendship-sisterhood can last forever, no matter how far or long we are separated.

Ada apa dengan diriku? Rangkaian kata-kata dapat merobek selaput yang melindungi hatiku dan membuatnya hancur berlinangan air mata. Hanya dengan kata-kata. Belum mengalaminya. Seakan dapat kurasakan kepedihan yang dialami seisi dunia dalam satu momentum.

Baru beberapa menit yang lalu aku selesai membaca novel Andrei Aksana, Lelaki Terindah. Dengan kedua tokoh utama pria, kisah cinta terlarang itu menyentuh hatiku dan mempertanyakan keberadaanku. Mengapa menjadi galau hati ini, dan segenap rasa takut menyergap?

Teramat dalam rangkaian kalimat yang dirangkai indah namun kejam itu merasuk ke dalam pikiranku, membuat otakku bekerja dalam kepanikan. Entah mengapa hatiku merintih, kisah itu telah menggores sedikit sampul kotak kecil yang telah kubungkus rapi dan kusimpan jauh di ruang terdalam hatiku agar tak terusik.

Namun yang kubaca hari ini sungguh mengganggu benakku, seolah tiada lagi dunia yang berputar di luar sana. Yang terjadi hanyalah aku di dalam sepi ruangan berdinding 4 itu dan helaian-helaian kertas putih bertinta hitam yang membuatku betah berjam-jam menekuni baris demi baris, halaman demi halamannya.

Kotak kecil bersampul itu kini naik ke permukaan. Dan jutaan pertanyaan yang seharusnya disimpan itu mulai keluar dari penjaranya. Hatiku sakit. Menahannya dalam kegelapan saja sudah melukai jiwa ini. Mengapa pertanyaan-pertanyaan itu harus timbul sekarang? Di mana tak ada makhluk yang dapat menjawabnya, karena aku tak sanggup mempertanyakannya dengan suara?

Dan apa yang terjadi dengan pertanyaan-pertanyaan tanpa jawaban? Mereka terkungkung namun ingin lepas. Tapi ada apa di luar jeruji sana? Kebebasan tidak selalu berarti kebahagiaan. Dan jawaban selalu ada di dalam diri, di dalam inti. Tanpa perlu pergi jauh untuk mencari.

Namun aku belum menemukan, walau sudah berulang kali memaksakan jawaban yang kukarang sendiri. Dapatkah kutemukan jawabannya suatu saat nanti? Ingin kutumpahkan segalanya di sini, agar kau memahamiku. Agar kau dapat meredakan kegelisahan ini, menghalau kegalauan ini, menyembuhkan luka ini. Namun aku tak bisa. Dan kini aku mengundang tanya yang lain. Yang seharusnya tak perlu dibahas agar tak perlu kujawab. Anggap saja ini hanya racauan sejenak akibat menelusuri kisah yang sangat menarik dan menggoda naluri seorang penulis.

Hati ini sakit dan terlukai. Antara keinginan dan kepatuhan. Antara realita, idealisme dan utopia. Antara hak dan kebutuhan. Hak untuk memilih. Kebutuhan untuk bebas. Dan takkan ada yang akan pernah mengerti, karena kita semua terlahir sendirian. Pada akhirnya nanti kita juga mati sendirian. Karena itulah manusia menyimpan bebannya sendirian. Pembagian tidak selalu berarti keringanan. Dan aku sedang belajar untuk menyendiri.

Talk about working, I’ve internship all this summer holiday in Jakarta, in a architecture company named DCM (Denton Corker Marshall) and I’ve seen working life and I’ve been there and I know how boring it is but we all have to do it eventually and I think I’d be so glad to be back to school this week.

I like the working life, I always think of being a career woman but damn how I love to just chat and hang out and do silly things students always do and there are no routines in school life and that’s what made working life so boring. But I’ll get there again next year after graduate. Geez how fast time has passed. One day it was your first day school then the other day it’s your first day working.

But I got a lot this summer. Not only experience and knowledge at work but also holiday and be close to my boyfriend which is a plus becuz we were doing LDR and we lived in a town for a month and it was good and he picked me up after work almost everyday and that what I was always dream of for a relationship, not LDR all the time cuz imagining about something or someone can be boring at some point. And I hate LDR.

So I think I’m so glad the summer is over and the internship is over and the study tour is done and the school is waiting and another chapter begins. I miss my friends but it is okay now I’ve handled my addiction on them. Friends were my ecstasy and it could kill me cuz I have dreams and I have to be able to be on my own cuz my friends stay in their own tracks and I have my own path and I will reach my dreams. So welcome new term, I will let go of the past and live my life to the fullest from now on and not regretting anything anymore.

Things are changing so fast in life sometimes. When you want them to slow down a bit, you are far left behind already and you just have to flow with the beat and then life will lead you into another level in your life and suddenly you are not who you were. You became a different, brand new person and past are dead and friends just come and go and life is about yourself and you are alone in the end.

I dunno how the LIFE works. I’ve had dreams. I’ve given up long time before and I moved on. And suddenly all the things I’ve dreamt of just appear in my life and it’s like some kind of puzzle with a red line connecting between everything that happened in your life. It made sense about a theory of ‘everything happen for a reason’.

Example, I moved to Bandung which I hated most because all of my cool friends were in Jakarta and my whole family is in Jakarta and Bandung is a small town and I was new and they speak Sundanese which I didn’t understand and the Chinese-breed people were so annoying and the natives were keeping distance and I was lost in the middle of nowhere cuz I wasn’t in Chinese nor natives nor blondes side. I’ve no real place where I’d belong to. But when I realized, I met my first love and real friends in Bandung and suddenly the small town became beautiful to me.

And I knew a boy in my elementary school and I liked him so much but he didn’t even notice me and I’ve given up on him long time ago and I moved on and now he suddenly came into my life and became a part of my life and this is weird. God had made this story like Cinderella whom the prince she’d never thought could ever be in love with her.

I dunno how about Cinderella but for me, this is kinda impossible, a dream comes true and I just so afraid that this is only for temporary cuz logical people know that things aren’t come our way that easily and dreams are sometimes just too high to reach and when we finally have it, it would go away and fly like beautiful butterfly or sands in our palm.

They just go cuz nothing is eternal and it’s kind of hard for me to chew it all and swallow it cuz I am a thinker (or a dreamer or an imaginer) and it’s just beyond my logic.

And many other things happened these days so quick and my old dreams are coming true one by one. And I am paced and I just have to race and in race we run with time and decide to lose something to get something bigger or better. And it’s hard to let go of something that you possess and you just have to be brave and get some nerve to do that cuz life goes on and they don’t stop to wait for you and you just have to be realistic that life is short.

Gosh how I’d love to be Peter Pan who never gets old. But so many things in this world I wanna see, try, touch, experience. I wanna travel all around the world. And things aren’t free and you just have to work to earn money.

I went to Singapore 5-12 Aug 2006. It was study tour with 19 people total, included 2 lecturers. I visited many cool places, such as Red Dot Museum, Singapore Art Museum, CHIJMES, China Town, Little India, Orchard Road, Park Mall, NUS campus, Church St. Mary of the Angels, IKEA, The Esplanade and Sentosa Island.

And I went to Ministry of Sound (MOS) in Clarke Quay and also Zouk. The clubs were so cool. The interior, the people (of course, cuz there were so many blondes and also beautiful Asian faces). I like especially the cool breeze they sprayed on us at the dance floor at the Zouk

And I’ve seen great stores and I’ve actually rode on MRT and hey—been abroad by myself! This was my first time going abroad. And I met people, speaking in many languages I don’t understand as Chinese (or Mandarin or Hokkien or anything) and Korean and Japanese and Thai and Malaysian and I dunno what else. Too many languages in my ears but that was okay cuz I was in group so I can communicate well with my surroundings since I got my friends around me. And apparently I was the only fluent-English speaker so they leant on me to communicate with locals or other foreigner.

I like Singapore. Because of the language they use (the English one, not the Chinese or Sing-lish) and because of the safety on going anywhere on your own and because you are free to wear anything and they don’t say you’re a freak and because of the cleanliness (especially the toilet) and because of the road, they are all well-ruled and cars can speed and people are crossing on zebra crosses and because of the great things we can window shop at the stores and because of the technology and its individuality and I dunno what else I should admire from that tiny country.

But I love living in Indonesia. I got all my friends here, my family and my boyfriend. But how about going to a higher level? How about living abroad I’ve always been dreaming of? I don’t live within my friends anymore. Mario taught me to get myself off them. They have got their own ways now. We just need to be in touch sometime and we’ll be okay. I am not actually looking for crowd anymore. I am more into myself, my dreams and my ambition (if there’s any).

One Sunday (July 16) my boyfriend came with 2 of his friends to fetch me. We watched the Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men’s Chest (for me this was the second time) at Braga 21. There were some misunderstanding but then he agreed to go back to Jakarta that very day (he just arrived that very morning). He is just the sweetest guy ever!

He drove to Jakarta while his two friends fell asleep on the back of the car. Little that I can share with you here in this blog cuz I dunno how to describe it. But one thing I wanna tell you. That Mario is the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. He is the most lovable, sweetest guy who loves me. And I just love him so much with all of my heart.
I was broken hearted for so many times. So I make strategies for my own sake. I organize my heart not to fall in love too deep to anyone, not to let my heart plays instead of my logic. Cuz I am afraid of falling out of love again. I am scared of the pain of broken-heart. But this guy Mario just won’t let my mind to control my heart.

Loving him is so easy to make me forget anything about logic. I just love him so much and anytime I start to return to my mind, this guy just do such sweet things I can’t stand to love him more and more and more.

Like last weekend when he fetched me on Saturday morning by 8 a.m. then both went to Bandung with his dad too. We went to church with his mum and big family. I was sort of sick but he companied me till late. Then he drove me back to Jakarta the day after. And still fetching me after work every afternoon and drove me to my aunt’s home then stay till 9 p.m. He even still cares to take me to café at Kemang (my most fave chill out place in whole Jakarta) after work.

Well I know I make you sick to read too much about my feelings toward my guy. I just adore him so much but also so afraid of losing him. I just hope that all the people in the world could feel such loving feeling like what I feel for Mario. That way, everybody would be happier and the world is just gotta be better place. I wish all people the greatest love ever in their whole lives just like I want to spend my whole lifetime loving him…

Aku adalah sebuah kanvas putih yang besar
Hidupku adalah lukisan indah yang digoreskan Tuhan
Setiap detail lukisan adalah keseharianku
Dan hidupku hari ini adalah objek yang belum selesai digarap

Di dalam lukisanku terdapat gelap dan terang
Yang menandakan kenangan buruk dan indah
Tetapi jangan melihatnya dari dekat
Karena yang gelap tak menarik
Dan yang terang pun tak punya arti

Lihatlah dari kejauhan saat lukisannya telah selesai
Maka kau akan lihat bahwa yang terang terasa hambar tanpa yang gelap
Mereka saling menyempurnakan dan membentuk mahakarya paling indah
...yakni hidupku.

So what do you think of the place you are in now? I am now living in Bandung for the last 14 years after being a small part of the metropolitan Jakarta city since I was born (though I didn’t get born there).

Well I gotta admit that I am okay here, I like Bandung very much. But something just told me, this isn’t my place. I’ve always been so not into it. From the first time I was mad that I was ever brought to the city. But the city had taught me much. I’ve learned so many things here, from social problem with seniors to social ballroom dance, from first love to broken heart. And I am being more mature than ever, I grow up and have got all the valuable memories here.

I have all the best friends I’ve ever wanted. But now, things are changing. They always are, aren’t they? So my girls now have their own worlds and so have I. (why do I always mention this anyway?) And I guess it’s now time to leave all the memories in its place.

I always know, that I’d return back to my city one day. With God’s permission, I’d enter the gates again. Just like what God said to Elijah in book The Fifth Mountain (Paulo Coelho). ‘You shall not leave the town until you learn to break down and build everything from zero again’. That’s what the book said more or less.

So I think I’ve had enough now. Everything just feels so right to move back again. I’ve learned the break downs and I’ve rebuilt myself into a better form. I’ve all my duties (almost) done here in Bandung I guess.

But still I dunno, whether Bandung or Jakarta the better city? Bandung has the familiar, friendly, cozy and cool city. I know best the places, people and got used to the surroundings. Here was where I’ve found my sweet memories. Here was where I love the cafes in Rancakendal and all along Dago. I love the weather, the streets, the beautiful big trees, the situations.

In Jakarta, with all its hot-steamy weather, crowd and criminals, high-lifestyle and tough competition, I just feel more alive there. They are just more dynamic and live. More tense mean more productive. I always know that I’d work in Jakarta, though the idea scares me too. Anyway, if I could enter the company I’d practicing work for soon, it means bright future for me, and it means I should really move out.

But live in Jakarta mean starting from zero point again. Buy/rent new house or an apartment? Have car or have to sell/change it? And my relationship with my boyfriend.. How is it going to be? LDR-forever? Big plans to arrange from now, big changes are gonna happen to our lives. The family just doesn’t really grow in Bandung. We need metropolitan scene to bust up our spirits maybe. This is so confusing anyway. Maybe we’d just have to ask God for whatever He wants us to be.

Meanwhile, I gotta spend my ‘last year’ here in Bandung for the best. So when I’d leave, there’s nothing to be regret, just to be kept in mind. And I could give some visit whenever I miss my beautiful city later. It’s just a 2-hours ride anyway. I know I’m gonna miss her. But hey, this is life. Everything changes. The only thing that doesn’t change is the Change itself.

And like what Han said to Sean in film The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift, that when you make a choice, there’s no turning back. We have to move on. And change is one way to get to the top. I’d take the chance—and the change.

Yesterday, July 1, 2006 was the date of my close friend Marissa’s wedding day. I helped her all day, became her bridesmaid (She had booked me from a year ago). So I was on my final project for this term the all day before, and I just finished my work by 3.15 a.m. when Marissa morning-called me and reminded me to be in the salon by 4 a.m. So I took bath and went right away there, my father dropped me in the salon.

I was all tired and sleepy. I got bags under my eyes, blackened circles around there. My face was not fresh. But they washed my hair, blow-dried and rolled it, and they put heavy make-up on my face and they did my hair… and voila! I was all brand-new looking early in that morning. I looked like an artist. The hairdresser said I looked like some Pond’s model.

Well, the day continued, we moved to Savoy-Homann Hotel to prepare and I fit in to my bridesmaid dress (but it was more like a gown). We arrived at the church (some Protestant church) by 9.30 a.m. and the ceremony touched almost all of us. I even cried though I told myself before, it was silly to cry on a wedding matrimony.

Then we went back to the hotel and had some lunch, got to know Philip’s family (there were 8 uncles and 2 aunts of his with their own spouses and kids) and I befriends with his cousin Taressa, a 9-10 years old girl who was pretty and smart. We walked around the building, combed all the sections together, from the bride-and-groom’s hotel room to the ballroom together.

They also retouched my make up and redid my hair so I looked fresher than before. But one thing I missed was the chance to take a nap. I haven’t slept at all in 2 days so I really needed a rest. I only got 5-10 minutes of nap in the sofa then I’d have to continue helping the family. The tea-pai tradition was waiting (it was new Chinese experience and knowledge for me)

And finally, the night came (I took another 10 minutes of nap in a chair) and the procession began. It was pity that my family missed the part cuz they came late. But it was all great and I could see that the couple was happy. They are deeply in love and that’s the whole point of this party.

I know some of the guests. There were my schoolmates Lisa, Vicky and Atika, Alvin and Charlie. And also there were my former neighbors, the place I knew Marissa for the first time. The little girls, Taressa and her other little cousins were stuck to me (I was more a babysitter than a bridesmaid). There were also little boys, 5-7 years old cute cousins of Philip. They were all pleasant and beautiful kids.

The wedding organizer was Think Org., and some of them were my friends. There were Eric and Anton that I knew. And a guy who really wanted to get to know me but I forbid him. I am taken, boy =)

The wedding singer was Gail, some artist from my former school. And he sang beautifully but he didn’t recognize me. When he realized the bridesmaid was ME, he bowed deeply to me from the stage. I was kind of honored, especially when he said I looked very beautiful last night (who doesn’t like a worship??) and we talked a bit after his performance, took pics together and I introduced him to my sister. He was surprised that I know he’s married and that I know his newest (and his only famous) single. The title is ‘I Love You It’s Not Forever’.

So finally the party was over by 9 p.m. and we were all tired (especially me—I got all my body ache) but so happy at the same time (and I promised myself I’ll make my wedding day even better than this great day. I already have some plans in my mind ;-p). And when I think about the day, I thought the idea of a marriage again.

It was so different when the MC called Marissa as Philip’s wife. Not his girlfriend anymore. Of course she is. But it just sounded weird and new to me. That Marissa has turned to be Mrs. Philip. And soon, my beloved friend Ester is going to be Mrs. Adjie (Boyang’s name). And then, all the other friends will come afterward. Then in its time, it’s gonna be me.

I dunno what to feel about this. The wedding is all happy and exciting but also scary and depress me. I still dunno what I want in life. I can’t differentiate my want/will with what I need/must. What I want to do and what I have to do. But I believe God will guide my path. I pray for the newly wed a beautiful and happy marriage forever and ever. And for myself, the right path to everlasting happiness =)

Gosh I’ve finally finished the book Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom. I started the first page months ago—about mid March and I’ve pending reading it till today. The book is good but (don’t mean to be proud, but) I think I’ve had it all inside. Like what Ryan always said, I’ve had all the answers within me. I just need help from others to find/realize it.

I am so happy yesterday. I went with my mum, sister, Irma, Icha, her mum and her fiancé to fit the bridesmaid’s gown.
I am going to be Icha’s bridesmaid in her wedding next July 1st. This is an exciting moment, though it will be pretty tough day for me since I’d have my final projects right before the momentous day.

Later after the fitting, we were all going to Icha’s new home. She’s not staying there yet but the house is pretty much cozy and nice. It locates so far from my house but that little house is filled by nice furniture and pretty big for the newly-wed-soon couple.

So happy to see her with such great life, remember that her life as a kid and teenager never been so lucky with economy and situation, without a dad figure, and with so many pressures from her own family and friends. So I can say she’s so lucky to find this Philip guy and their future together soon.

I pray for her happiness in the rest of her life and also I am so proud to be the bridesmaid, of all other girl friends she has, I am the one who never contacted her first time. I was the one who never visited her or just to care asking about what she up to. But she chooses me. I am so glad and honored to play the important role in her most important day in her life.

Also I am so happy to find the fact that my dearest friend Irma finally finds the guy who truly wants to be with her. Irma is loved and she has found a boyfriend. This is her first boyfriend and I am so happy to know she has one now. I’ve met the guy and he is okay. He wants serious relationship with her and I hope he means it. If he doesn’t, then he’d deal with me.

Yet other happy news came from Jeremy. He has found a girl he loves, a girl I think could help ‘change’ him to a better person. I am his best friend, more like a sister but it’s not me who can do big things to him. I am sure this girl can make him stand still, stronger and higher than before. I believe he can be a really good man if he has the right tutor to lead him.

So everyone surround me is as happy as I am now. This completes my resolution in the beginning of the year. This completes my happiness this year. I’ve always tell Irma that our togetherness would soon be end and we’d find our own path to choose in life.

Ester starts the first move. She is now busy for her wedding singing job and her own wedding preparation. Livia is preparing her return to Swiss and Irma has a man to stand beside her where I can’t replace. Jeremy has a girl who can teach him simple little things he usually ignore or underestimate. Tessa got her future husband who loves her who is also handsome and rich and a good man. Lita is as happy now with her sweet Steve. And Ryan, the big guy who helped me find myself, he’s now graduated and ready for the new life in USA.

It’s like a happy ending in a story and if this were a movie, it should stop here, right now when everything feels so beautiful and perfect. I guess another level in my life waits for me and I would enter a brand-new situation soon. Perhaps it’d be the working-life or I dunno what. But whatever it will be, I am so much grateful for what I have now. There is no regret and no turning back. I am proud for who I am now, for whatever it took to get me here and I am so thankful to all of my ex-lovers who taught me hard things that made me really grateful when I find my current lover. That I know God loves me so much, He never fails. Like the song by Kahitna, “,,cinta takkan salah,,”. It’s all wonderful in time.

And just like in the movie, I want this to be our memory that will never be forgotten. Who we are now, what we have now, it’s all part of God’s plan on us. I hope whatever trouble or hard days waiting for us in the future, we can always remember these days. As I am so glad we’ve had our girl’s-time together all along January till March this year, I never feel sorry that we are separated by our own business now. I’ve had enough to go on. I’ve had my memories and so much love from my best friends. I’ve got my lessons well. I think this book should over soon and I should start new pages of blank sheets for the next serial.

Amen.

I’ve had a terrible nightmare last night. It was so horrible I couldn’t get it out of my mind. So I was in the scene where I saw people around me just like in a theme park, but then they put a man who’d been in a hot steel cage for 3 months (it was all felt so real I even got the details of the scene) and he’d been baked there!! His skin was already white it was ripped by the hot steel.

Then came 3 other man and they were wrestling in that fried steel and I knew 2 of the men. They were my SMP mates. The baked one was someone who was kind of close to me during last semester. It was so terrible, he chased me to another scene, where suddenly the background changed and I was in a queue to someplace. Every ‘theme park’ has its owner and so did this one. ‘The owner’ was this malevolent man, who ordered something to people there. I don’t remember what the order was but then he shot a toddler just bcuz she was crawling over to another place. The sibling of the toddler got over to her and got shot too. It was so horrifying!

And that was the time when I was awoke by around 2 a.m. Somebody had just called me and I was still half asleep. The voice in the other end called my name. But I (still) don’t know who he was. He mentioned a name… I guess it was Ferry or something, it was kind of equivocal. I tried to find any name of Ferry in my memory, and I guess he was Andre’s friend. When I asked him about this, he hung up.

The result wasn’t delight. It made me so scared I messaged my guy right after. At that time I was full awake and I just realize, the voice in the phone line was so scary, he asked a favor from me cuz he was in trouble. But he hung up so I couldn’t know any more about that. And I don’t want to.

Suddenly some old scenes flashed in my memory. I remembered the scene when my late friend Sendy died. It was full of fear, desperation and evil so thick surrounding us. It was so scary and it sucked happiness from us. just like the figure of Dementors pictured by J.K. Rowling in Harry Potter’s serials. It was the scent of hell.

That was why I was so scared last night and I moved to my Mum’s room. I’ve never been so scared in my life ever but last night. My guy called me just before I entered my Mum’s room. Thank God I needed to hear his voice. I was thinking about possibilities, the connections between the dream and the peculiar phone call.

It could happen that this Ferry guy needed a help from his evil business so he randomly called me in desperation and the dream led me to the phone call and I was to pray for him. (I was too scared to call him back and offer my help. I was so enough of dealing with Andre’s gang. It was full of evil things and I don’t like it.

Well I dunno if God has another meaning of the dream. Perhaps the devil tried to try me last night. But if it was the scenery of Hell, I promise I won’t ever do any sin that could deliver me to that horrible place. Believe me being in such place without love was so scary and desperate.

What a terrible nightmare I had. But thank God it was just a bad dream. In fact I am still surrounded by people who love me. And I am so grateful of that.

I wish I’d still have spirit for tomorrow’s work. I’d have a group work for marketing class project. I am so tired tonight, so exhausted. But I am glad Mario called just now. I miss him so much.

Say I have the best boyfriend in the world!!
He said he wouldn’t come to Bandung last weekend. He had lots of work to be done and I shouldn’t come to Jakarta either. So I made plan with my friends instead. Livia and Ian fetched me to spend the Saturday night together also with Tommy, Anita and Toge at Ciwalk.

I kept messaging with my guy while dinner and after that. I took no suspicious that he’d come cuz he said he was on the way to Puri Mall, Jakarta, with his gang. But when I was talking with the girls at Ciwalk 21 later by around 9 p.m., somebody covered my eyes with hands, and guess who? When I took the hands off and turned my head to see who, he happened to be my guy!

I was so excited and surprised and I just couldn’t hide my feelings. At first I screamed and I hugged him and I couldn’t stop smiling that night. I was not only happy but overjoyed.

So we spent the night together with other friends, karaoke at NAV Dago. I was so happy even we spent the 2 hours with my juniors at high school. Cuz my guy was right beside me. If he wasn’t there maybe I’d feel stranded there with all of my brother’s friends.

And for the closing song I requested “I’m Falling in Love” by Melly Goeslaw and I thought the song was really compatible with our condition.

…
Andai saja aku pengantinmu
Bahagia pasti di hati
Rengkuh aku bersamamu
Malam ini milik berdua

Dan ku tlah jatuh cinta
Ku wanita dan engkau lelaki
Perasaanku berkata
I’m falling in love

Sang cinta mendekatlah
Malam menyanggupi jadi saksi
Hati kecilku berkata
I’m falling in love…
I’m falling in love
…

The day after was Sunday and he fetched me at church which I went with my family. We went to his house then we fetched his cousins and nephew before we went to Lembang. We spent the day at the mountain and we had fun at La Oma. By evening we reached the town and we got time for ourselves dinner at Warung Lela after chilling and played with the little boys.

I had fun with his family, I start to feel being a part of them and this made me really happy. I never got along with my exs’ families—really being a part of them—until now.

And for our times together, we know it’s only 1-2 days a week—and not every week we could meet. We know we had to sacrifice our times, money, and energy to meet each other. Mondays mean tired and sleepy for both of us. But we love each other so strong we don’t care about that.

I’m really afraid of losing him. But I took the opportunity to love and be loved and be happy. I really pray for our twosome. I hope we could last forever... I never wanted to sacrifice my ego for any guy before. But for him, I think I will.