Another Victoria's Secrets

Cinta…
Kenapa satu kata itu bisa bikin kita jungkir balik merasakan badai perasaan yang campur aduk?
Kenapa satu kata itu bisa bikin kita superseneng dan sangatsedih, seperti dua mata koin yang merupakan satu kesatuan—hanya punya dua wajah yg berbeda?
Kenapa satu kata itu bisa bikin kita ninggalin semua logika, prinsip, dan keyakinan kita hanya demi satu orang yang membawa kata ‘cinta’ ini ke dalam kehidupan kita?
Kenapa satu kata itu mampu membuat keangkuhan terpaksa dirobohkan dan keegoisan dilebur?
Kenapa satu kata itu merupakan satu kata yang patut dibenci namun kita memilih untuk mencinta?
Kenapa satu kata itu bisa mengubah seseorang—bahkan sifat yang setegar batu sekalipun?
Kenapa satu kata itu membuatku sesak napas sekarang?

Aku butuh dia. Butuh dia untuk tetap bertahan.
Cinta…
Kenapa hanya itu yang kubutuhkan? Namun logika menghalangi…
Cinta…
Dapatkah cinta mengalahkan benteng prinsip dan logika—selamanya?
Aku ingin hidup bahagia. Aku ingin hidup dengan cinta. Dapatkah?
Cinta…
Mampu menciptakan banyak hal. Namun juga melukai. Untungnya kita punya Waktu. Untuk menyembuhkan. Atau mengembalikan cinta pada kita.
Semoga cinta selalu berpihak pada kita.

-by Dygta

Dalam diam jiwaku telah terluka memilikimu
Karna ku takkan bisa tuk selamanya menjadi cintamu
Sesungguhnya hanya dirimu, tapi mereka tak mengerti
Dan menentang cintaku denganmu

Ku tlah menyerah slamanya dan mengakhiri kisah kita
Meski air mata membunuhku
Ku memang pecundang sejati yang tak sanggup perjuangkan cinta
Maafkan semua cintaku, ku meninggalkanmu

Janganlah kau tanyakan tentang janjiku yang pernah terucap
Karna semua tlah nyata kini diriku mengingkari

Maybe I’ve made a mistake. I love him so much. But the burden is killing me. I’ve always been in between. I’ve mentioned it before and for so many times. While he gives me the best of him, the pressure of leaving him is getting more a burden to me.

It’s like my ego takes control over my heart this time, it’s like getting revenge after suffering the whole last year. Loving him is easy for me, actually, cuz he loves me so much and that’s all that I need. But again, being in between heart and mind isn’t easy for love stuff. I love him, and everything about him just fits perfectly in me: emotionally, logically. But it’s me who can’t accept all the reality. I’m still battling with my logic: all the family’s expectation in me, all of my dreams and of being ‘me’.

After all I still need to be convinced if he really is my future husband. I need to know whether I can survive this loneliness or not. I still need to know whether I can live without him or not. If I’m dying not to be with him, then I’d know he’s the one for me. All these times I’m still sick of all the pressure and dislikes I have in me.

I really don’t know what to do now. While the feeling’s still so strong, I need something else more than him, cuz in the last year I’m not developing. Instead I am withered and hurting myself. I need to be refreshed. I need Jakarta. I know I can never forget him, for him being the best gift I ever had. But I need to go forward in life. I don’t wanna be stuck in the life of my friends’. I’m sick of the life in Bandung, it doesn’t make me grow.

Actually the last 3 weeks had been the greatest moment I’ve ever had with him. He changed and life’s just so wonderful and I didn’t shed a single tear in 3 weeks (such a record for I’ve been crying at least once a week since June 2006). He’s been so nice and actually his mistake last night was forgiven. But the pressure is just too heavy. The dilemma is killing me. If I’m still with him now, I’d be always haunted with the hope of the family—and myself. But to lose him is something else. He has all the great qualities I’ve always seek in a man. His flaws were forgiven and covered with what he gave me. It just doesn’t feel enough yet. I’m still so sick of the differences. The character difference is nothing compared to the background and vision differences.

Why am I being such a bitch? He loves me the way I am but I still demand a lot more of him. I don’t like the life in Bandung, it makes me sick, really sick. I want new kind of life, the one I won’t get in Bandung. Maybe Jakarta, but I don’t know yet. Why do we have so much difference? Why is he a Chinese and I’m not? Why can’t he be just ENOUGH for me? Why do I want more?

Actually he’s enough for me. But they don’t say so. Said I could get someone better and I know that I can but I don’t want it. I just want him. It’s just he’s not exactly what they expect. He’s not tall, he’s Chinese, and he behaves not like what they want. I can deal with that. What I can’t deal with is the pressure. Being with him means I have to suffer half of myself and I’m not quite ready for that.

I need to learn so much more. I need to go out of Bandung to see what I really want in life, so I can see how much I love him, and need him in my life. I need some time to figure out who I really am, what I really want, where I really belong. I need time to retreat on myself and see it all in a different perspective. Said he’s not the best for me. Materially, yes. But emotionally, he’s just the best.

Oh how this hurt me. I know I hurt him too, more than I hurt myself. But I need this to know whether he’s the one for me. One thing I know, when all of his family and mine is gone, I know that he’s all that I need and I can deal with whatever lies between. It’s just I still wanna develop myself and I need to be alone for a moment, maybe a month or so, to figure out everything. I hope I’ll find the answer sooner.

Btw, I haven’t gone to church for more than a month. I need to go there. O Lord please forgive me for being such a sinner! But please tell him that I love him.

Yesterday I was awoke at 7.30 in the morning by phone call. The phone screen put Astarra’s number on it but when I picked up, it was his mum. She asked for my mum and wished to have breakfast together with my whole family.

So the whole family went to Oh La La Café at Plaza Dago by 8.30 a.m. where we met Aunt Rita, Uncle George and Astarra. We ordered pastries and beverages and had great time chat. Maybe it was almost 20 years since my dad met Uncle George and the last time they did, Clemy wasn’t born yet. And I was still a little girl, Ben was still so cute, and I couldn’t remember the faces of that family a single bit.

So the reunion was so exciting (though we haven’t met Astarri and Astirro for them being out of the country now). Aunt Rita gave us so many positive advices, inputs, and courage to get through our lives. I’ve always believed that I am more comfortable being in Jakarta (with its lifestyle) than in Bandung and she made me believe that my belief is true. I mean, I’ve been contaminated by the live and people in Bandung all these times. But I feel so comfortable and found that my world matches hers. I love her kind of life, which is unlike the life I have here.

I don’t want to hope too high. But I hope my life is going to be better and better tomorrow. She also gave us the book of Ir. Ciputra which encourages me more to do what I’ve always wanted to do and pursue my dreams. The consequence is to reach high and give more. This is good motto in life. That way, we are always blessed and never have to worry a single bit.

The morning meeting was great, we shared stories and laughs and I felt refreshed. By the way home, dad’s best friend, Uncle Philip Stokoe, messaged him and asked to have lunch together with the whole family. Another unexpected guest was coming from Jakarta. We went to Paris Van Java by 12 p.m. but they weren’t arrived yet so I had my lunch with Ben and went to Mr. Rei’s place (where I studied the Vector Works software for 10 hours) by 1 p.m. till 7.

The whole day was great. I met such people and realized how lucky I am actually. I wanna get up and build my future. I wanna learn as much as I can, do as much as I can, give people the best out of me. Now my life’s kinda too ‘me’-centric, I wanna open myself to people as what I wanna be when I was younger. I wanna do something good to others. I wanna be useful. I hope I can.

Well not much to tell, but today I feel so happy and light (after feeling so stressed yesterday).

I met my mum's best friend from Jakarta and she gave me and my brother encouragement from her stories of life. She burned our spirit and made us enlightened and brave to move forward in life. She's so kind and high-spirited, I adore her generousity and her will to help us. It really mean a lot to me, especially.

Meanwhile, I'm still on my final project and gonna have a VectorWorks course tomorrow, also with Stella, to help me with computer-based products for this project. I hope it can help me through this semester. I'm so looking forward to move to Jakarta.

Btw, does anybody interested on buying my home? It's so cozy and quiet and the city view to the Bandung valley is so damn beautiful and could be reached within 20 minutes from Simpang Dago. We are moving out of town and we offer you the leisure of living at our home. It's so damn cool to relax in the afternoon/night after a full-day activity.. If you are interested, please call me (you know how).

Create your own Friend Test here

Last week I watched a television program, some Indonesian infotainment, featuring Peggy Melati Sukma, being asked about marriage and her plan for having children. She said marriage isn’t just about having children.
Reason for marriage should be based on love, to live with the person we choose to be our partner the rest of our lifetimes, not just to make descendant. If so, when the wife or husband get impotent, the couple has a reason to walk away, cheat, or even does the polygamy marriage. It could be going to a very unhealthy relationship.

I agree with her. We get married to live with our partner. We know his/her flaws and can live with that. We know each other’s darkest secret and keep silent of that. We love and live and keep each other happy. We sacrifice and laugh together.

Alex, one of my close friends, said similar thing about get in to a relationship. He said to be in a relationship isn’t just for status or other childish/silly things. We get in a relationship to know how is it to live with our partner, to test how compatible we are before we are get in a marriage. We get along with our partner and try to live with him/her.

In love, there isn’t the winner and the loser. Love is about giving and taking (but more to giving), love is about being equal, neither are the boss and the maid. Neither are the leader and the follower. Both have to fill in other’s lack with his/her gift. Both have to walk in the same rhythm and steps so neither walk in the front and the other’s left behind. Both have to have same perception and goal so they can run in the same path, and focus in the same direction. That way, love can go in smooth way. This can make the bond of love unbreakable and both will be the best partner for each other. This is one step to a powerful love, healthy relationship.

I hope my love life and relationship could always be this powerful and healthy.
I hope you do, too.

I am kinda stressed now..

My final project's second preview deadline is approaching within a month but the layout isn't even fixed yet.. it has to be done at least 70% from all but my work is still around 30% now..

And my uncle's project is just adding more stress here, cuz it takes a long time to be done.. detail things... oh God can I do that all?

And also Tessa's wed and also my oldest cousin's wed which are also within a month (not even a business to me but I'm making a kebaya for the occasions ^^ hope it's gonna be great!)

What a busy month May 2007 is for me!

Need lotsa support and also time, energy and concentration here...
I hope I can do it all in time.. with my best effort..
Lord please help me!

Life is a never-ending place to learn. There’s no limit of how much you have learned or achieved in life because there are still so much more. With love, there are even more things we have to learn.
Sometimes we think we’ve achieved enough, we’ve learnt enough. But the fact is, there is never ‘enough’. We are granted with this life and though it’s hard, though sometimes it’s not the same with our perception of the ‘perfect life’ we’ve dreamt, life is beautiful and meaningful.

In problems we’d find the true meaning of our lives, our selves, our mission, our part in this world. In tests we’re formed, shaped, built. With love we’re fulfilled. And though we’d find hard ways, even if it’s a giant rock or even the perfect storm, we can always stand for love. We can always survive with love. We always give chances for love. We learn how to be mature and sacrifice in love and we learn to know ourselves with love.

There are never ‘enough’ in love, for love and love is all that we need.
I need to confess a little thing here, about giving. All these times I thought I gave the ones I love enough from me. But the truth is, I only give them with my own measurement, from my own glasses. So I don’t and refuse to see what they really need from their selves. I was rather selfish. I thought I was the best, I gave the best. But I also have to understand them. To give and understand, I think these are the best duo needed for a good relationship, besides the communication, trust and love it self.

For love, I still need so much to learn. I need to left my ego and let myself fulfilled by love because logic and feelings are speaking of very different languages.

And about friendship, I have to stop to listen to what people say. In fact, I know the person personally while they only see the surface. And I need to left over the measurement and start to see the true self of the person herself. I can not be selfish anymore, because I know the key to true happiness and joy, and I can not abandon the key just like that after knowing the use of it. I have to use the key so it can work and everybody can be happy.

And the key is simple. Don’t judge the book by its cover. Just as simple as reading the book, I can also know and understand a person. And for that, no need self-ego. No need self-measurement and self-judge. Just wear them off so we can see the true beauty of anything in the world.

How beautiful the world is if everybody understands and does this. How peaceful our lives will if we can love each other without demanding with our ego. And for that kind of life, I request you, too, to check on our attitude and behavior to the ones we love.

One last words from me: don’t let real love pass you by. Amen.

Only a day after the party, the first preview of my final project was held. I was so nervous and tense bcuz I didn’t know who Mrs. Irena was. There were at least 4 lecturers to be in the room, 2 were my leading lecturers and 2 others were the tester lecturers. If there were more than 4 lecturers, they would only watch the preview.

I presentated the “Interior Plan of Prasetiya Mulya Business School Library as the Source of Economical Information”. My leading lecturers; Mrs. Rini and Mr. Natsir were very kind, they helped me gathered and processed the datas and prepared me so well for the first preview. I knew one of the testers, Mrs. Yunita was one of the tester whom most of students afraid of. She asked detailed questions and we have to know our project better than her to avoid problems. But Mrs. Rini was friends with her so I knew slightly how she’d gonna ask me.

But the problem was, I didn’t know who the other tester was. Mrs. Irena, her name, was first to be seen on that preview by Mrs. Rini and me. The rumors about her were plenty, but only one point: that she was a very critical lecturer. She asks about anything. And even Mr. Denny (one of the most critical lecturer) and Mrs. Irena’s friends said that they were also annoyed by her questions, they usually couldn’t answer that super critic questions.

And so I gave the presentation, I wasn’t as nervous as when I waited outside cuz I knew my project and got prepared well. Mrs. Irena and the other lecturers smiled and I was relaxed then. Mrs. Yunita began the questions and I could handle them. So then began the questions from Mrs. Irena.

It was so many of them, so difficult to answer and often I had to look at my lecturers but Mrs. Rini looked as tense as I was and Mr. Natsir could only gave me a weak smile. I felt I had given wrong answers, I felt I didn’t answer them well bcuz I forgot to bring all of the datas I had, so I couldn’t answer some of her questions. This lecturer was smiling all the time but her questions were so complicated.

I forgot most of the questions when I got out of the room but thankfully Mrs. Rini had made me notes about the questions, critics and advises. More friends waited outside than when I got in. They asked me how it was and I could only smile plainly and said it was difficult. I was so tense I got so tired and sleepy after that and when I finally got home, I slept for 5 hours to recharge my battery. My boy said I was too tense I lost a large amount of energy. I was more than tense I felt I had failed to answer the questions I could answer if I brought the data that day.

But when I went to campus the day after, Mr. Natsir and Mrs. Rini said I brought a nice presentation (over their expectations) and I’ve answered all questions fine and that all the questions Mrs. Irena said were not in my field. They were more to IT and techniques than an interior design. So I shouldn’t get so worried cuz I could answered all the necessary questions.
I was relieved by their supports and words. They really are the best lecturers and I am so lucky I had them as my leading lecturers. There’re still 3-4 months till my final project judgement, and I’m certain they will help me to reach that point and get over the tiring semester so well. I’ve no worry about failing and I now have new spirit to get over this cuz I have the best supporters around me.

Pray and fight with me this semester, guys, I know we can do all the tests in life if we don’t fight it alone. At least we have to ask God to fight with us. Then God will give you victory at the end, just like when He fought for the Israels thousands of years ago.

GAMBATTE NE!

Hey it’s been a while since the last time I wrote here..

Well, I’ve been busy: the final project and presentations, the holidays between. The holidays were fun, especially last week when my best friends and their partners stayed over after the BBQ party at my home to celebrate Ester’s, Mario’s, my, Troy’s and LS’s birthday. It was our 23rd birthday but Troy’s 24th.

At first we shopped at Toko Setiabudhi for food supply then we processed it at my home: chopping, slicing, baking, etc. I made my special strawberry and soursop puddings too (that’s all I can make in the kitchen). We waited for the guests to come (which were only Troy, Irma & Yanto) till we started the fire for the BBQ. But a problem occurred, the charcoal wasn’t enough for all the meat we bought that day. So Ian & Mario went to the mini market to buy them but the mini market didn’t sell charcoal. So we had to wait till Ian’s friends to come but also we had to keep it silent cuz they were gonna make a surprise to LS.

We waited until around 9.30 when they finally came. So the BBQ was started again and the we were full of schaslick, french fries, spicy chicken, sausage, salad and grilled corn. We had LS’s black forest birthday cake and pudding for desserts. After that, LS and friends went to the club (but they ended up in karaoke room) while we just chat and slept by around 2-3 a.m., all of us but Troy in one room; my sister’s room.

When we woke up the day after, we were so lazy and still sleepy to make a move so we were just lying in my room, made fun or just shared stories. But however after lunch time we were all dressed up and after finished the beef and soup we bought the day before, we went to Kopi Selasar and spent our last moments there (but without LS and Ian).

It was tiring but also fun, we had really great time and we realized, the chance to gather like that wouldn’t happen too often, maybe it was only happen once a year if we get lucky. People changes, friends too. Not that the feelings between us would ever change, but the chance would not happen twice. We promised to keep the friendship till the end, till everyone of us would get married, have children, get old, and finally die.

We cherish the meaning of friendship, respect, understanding, love, and togetherness. There are still so many things in this world we have to find, learn, and do (but also we felt so old bcuz of Ester’s wedding and now that she’s pregnant).

We dunno what or where life will lead us to. We are still so young, not even 25. I got a feeling that this would be my last chance to see them this often cuz I plan to discover life in the metropolitan Jakarta. But I really do hope the chance will always available for me to see them all for the rest of my life cuz they really are my best friends EVIL.

I want to be like my idol: Angelina Jolie. She’s beautiful (no explanation about this), sexy (especially her thick lips but I don’t want that kind of lips, I’m satisfied with mine), charming (or to be more accurate, tempting?), independent (look at how she drives an aeroplane), has a wide knowledge (I think her character as Lara Croft had brought her to the different world outside America and opened her knowledge awide), and has a super-high passion of life (maybe my opinion about this, too, is influenced by Lara Croft). She’s just unique. Something special inside her just makes her different from other Hollywood stars. She’s an extraordinary girl.

And those tattoos, I’m certain she was one who inspirate me to make myself one. But unlike her, the dragons are outdated when I made the tatts and I personally like butterfly and the heart shape and also the tribal style. So instead of making such exotic images, I made something more personal to me, something that can describe ‘me’ through images.

I once liked Jennifer Anniston. She was my goddess of beauty icon. She has the nice smile, represents the image of ideal woman, and has the perfect hair style. And not long after my admiration for her, she got the sexiest man alive: Brad Pitt. It completed my admiration toward her. But then, I got bored. Her appearance, her husband, her life, all of them made her a boring profile and made me had to change my idol to Paris Hilton (for her style—head to toe—and her multination hotels), Mandy Moore (I fell in love with her since A Walk To Remember and especially in How To Deal for her girl-next-door thing), Gwen Stefani (I’ve always her fan since Don’t Speak for her bold style) and… Angelina Jolie.

I forgot when I first noticed her. But I like her more and more since Tomb Raider, Original Sin, and how I heard she’s the spokeperson for UN. And how she adopted kids (I’ve always thought I’d adopt a kid or two in the future cuz I don’t wanna have my own babies) and how a perfect independent woman she was back then—exactly the way I wanna become.

Then there was the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith which I thought was a perfect pairing combination of the actors: my most favorite male actor and my idol actress. Just like me, Brad Pitt changed his ideal woman for his life, too, to her.

What I really love about Angelina Jolie is, she’s always looks elegant and casual at the same time, looks so comfort with herself, loves and cares her kids so much, and—not like any other woman—seems so confident with herself, not really cares whether she has Billy Bob Thornton or not beside her. She seemed so comfort with herself. She could be anything, anyone, be anywhere she wanted to.

Maybe that’s what Brad Pitt saw in her, the extra-confident woman with great passion for life, someone who is comfort with herself but doesn’t place herself over anyone else. She really does something to the children, to the world. She makes the world a better place with true actions.
I was interested in boy-scout thing when I was about 5-6 years old. I quit then, but it didn’t stop me to like social life or to help people around me. I liked the UNICEF once when I was a kid. Long before my dad joined one of UN’s organizations, I’ve always interested on UNICEF, WHO, WWF (I don’t really like animals but I support the organizations that protect them). And now, I know I’d have something big with UNICEF in the future. I hope I’d be able to do ‘miracles’ for those children, to give people something they never or lack of having.

Angelina Jolie’s style (appearance-style to life-style) has been the ideal style for me. But I’d do it all with my own way. I’m not a big star or married to Brad Pitt like her. But I’m sure I have something special inside of me that I can give to the world. What is it? I dunno yet, but I’d give my effort to achieve the goal. I really hope I can get to that point. That way, I don’t have to regret of not having the ‘normal family’ like any of my friend’s gonna get.

Kenapa first love selalu special bagi kita?

Karena:
1. Ini PERTAMA kalinya kita ngerasa deg-degan, senyum-senyum sendiri dan jadi bahagia tanpa alasan, cuma karena orang itu ada di dekat kita,
2. Kita BELAJAR bahwa makhluk/kaum yang selama ini menyebalkan selama masa kecil kita ternyata bisa bikin kita kacau di dalam hati, dan sejelek apapun dia, buat kita dia sempurna,
3. Belum ada orang yang pernah bikin kita semenderita dan sesenang ini sekaligus, dan belum ada TRAUMA dalam diri kita sebelumnya.

Tetapi jatuh cinta yang kedua (second love) mengajar kita tentang hidup, real life that isn’t as beautiful as what we’ve always dreamt of.
Second love mengajar kita untuk bangkit dan memulai kembali. Kita punya pengalaman dan memperbaikinnya. Kita bertahan dan mempertahankannya. Second love menyadarkan kita bahwa dunia sangat luas dan tak berakhir ketika kita patah hati.

Namun true love adalah cinta yang sesungguhnya.Di mana kita sudah banyak belajar dan mengenal cinta. True love adalah bentuk sempurna dari cinta. True love membuat kita melupakan first love, second love, dan other loves in our lives.
True love mengajar kita memisahkan past-tense dengan present dan future-tense. True love membuat hidup kita bermakna, walaupun dengan first love kita merasa sudah hidup, true love memberi makna pada kehidupan itu.

Dan true love simply never ends.

I think I have problems with trusting new people. The last days of year 2006, I’ve given my trust to 2 of my new friends but they ended up disappointed me.

The first one was a girl whom I believed could be one of my best friends. But after 2 months of recognition, she disappointed and humiliated me. I still care for her, about her future and life, but I don’t really wanna know what she’s up to, her latest job or whatsoever. I’ve offered my time but she rejected it by saying she has no time for me bcuz her boyfriend is 24/7 being beside her. It’s unbelievable and so disappointing. I still reckon her as my friend, but no longer on my top list.

The second new friend was a boy. He’s 2 years younger than me and offered a job. I took it but it turned out that that caused a new problem. I was wrong, I took the job bcuz it was interesting and could add some taste in my resume. It was a clothing store with concept of a candy shop. But I took it with my final projects have to be done. So I was fetched by deadlines and the projects came up disappointing too.

It was not due to the projects. But the boy was so green at this field. He didn’t give me the part as our first agreement but he changed it as he liked it. It was disappointing that in the end he gave up talking with me and ‘gave’ me to his partner. And he gave me lower than half of the first agreement but still arguing I put too high price. Hey if you don’t want to give me the number I asked then DON’T make any agreement at all. He lowered my honor anytime we meet. This is so unprofessional.

This was a lesson for me. But the boy seemed so defending I couldn’t make any contact with him again since the money matter. This is a very sensitive problem—the money and friendship. So guys, I gotta advice you to ALWAYS make a written agreement on any business you do, even it was with your own family or even siblings. It’s a crucial thing that could help you later. And, never trust a new friend so fast, they could manipulate you… even she’s so kind or he looked so true.

Well, we took our lessons and move on. New year 2007, we hope for better living, better lessons and better way to live.

I never regretting the quick holiday I took though it meant truancy. I went to Jakarta with my classmates, it was an instant plan, and suddenly I was in Delia's blue Innova car, sat beside Kebo who was driving and talking with Laura, Shirly, Tessa, Jeremy and Erwin. We arrived Jakarta by midday and had lunch soto at Kelapa Gading before took a quick trip at Mal Artha Gading.

After shopped and met Laura's boyfriend, we moved to the next stop, EX Plaza. There, we again had quick trip to the whole building and interiors. After that we came to Senayan City for another quick trip. We had dinner at food court with Mario too before split. The group went back to Bandung that night while I went to Iwan's home to stay over the night.

Mario fetched me again the day after and we killed time at his place Around midnight, Mario dropped me off at Lita's. We girls stayed awake till 5a.m, talked bout stuff happened lately. We discovered some truth and message of those cases. We studied the purpose that lies beneath those, this is our favorite, to discuss things and examine it to the very root.

It was Sunday when Mario met Lita's parents and he took me to MTA to see movie but the ticket was sold out and we ended up combing the mall store to store, window shopped in the whole mall building until Ian came and joined us for some time. After dark, Mario took me back to Lita's and again we discussed things till it was 3a.m – paused with sleep and continued it before and during breakfast.

Lita took me to MTA again and we had some mall-girl time. Ian fetched me in the afternoon and we drove fast to the airport to fetch Livia back from Swiss. I was so excited to see her again. I dunno how many times I did this, I've been to the airport to see her departed for so many times and finally now to see her arrived home.

We reached Bandung near 11p.m because the traffic jam was hard. But I'm glad I did the trip, the whole trip the last 4 days. Cuz I got the lessons and messages from my and my friends' problems and I feel refreshed. Maybe you don't understand this but for me, going to Jakarta for once in a while is really a refreshing thing.

It’s like a curse. Or a gift, I’m not sure.
The thing is I’m always in between. I’m a product of mixed English-Chinese-Bantenese which each has different culture, taste, habit, priority and way of thinking.

And I’m just traveling between Jakarta and Bandung, living in both cities like a wanderer. While I’m in Bandung my soul, heart and focus is in Jakarta and vice versa.

Now I took a test about masculine-feminine brain, and the result is I’m just in the border between two brains. That means I’m good enough to think like a man and do things like a woman. This is a benefit, but it’s confusing though.

I am so COMPLICATED, I knew this since forever. I have girl friends but I like to hang a lot with boys. I have friends in Bandung but Jakarta can always make me wanna come back in every chance I got. I have Chinese offspring friends, native taste and Western thinking.

Gosh it would be a lot easier if you are a true Chinese offspring or pure blonde or very native cuz being in between like me always emerged confuses, hesitations and dilemma. You’d know where your place is while I’m still wandering finding the right place for myself.

Not that I don’t have home or true friends or even lover. I have all those. But I always find difficulties on knowing who I AM, where I have to be, how I am supposed to do, which group I have to inhabit in.

Like now I found this Capoeira kids from Unpar are fun to be with, I fall in love with the acrobats/sport/martial art and all those Brazilian folklore songs. I even learned how to hit the atabaque, the drum special for Capoeira music. It’s like finding the part of you you’d never know you lose but you just love it like it had always been in your blood. But it’s just opposite the world I am in all these times. All the friends I had.

This influence the way I act but my guy just has his own ideals and I’m struck by them. Well maybe I dramatized this a bit but hey if you are me, you’d understand. I have a free soul inside here, wanting to fly happily in the blue sky, try any possibility I could have. But again, the golden cage just caught me here, limiting my moves.

I love my guy, he’s the best. But the things between us are just TOTALLY different. I can adapt, of course I can. But can he? Can he understand all my friends, my habits, my nature character and let me be just the way I am? He says he can, but in fact I’d just struck by the rules again. And those rules are tying me, caged me, though they are made of golden or diamond. It just doesn’t work here, in my head.

Another dilemma, I think God put that little word to go on with me on the day of my creation. Maybe this is the way I’m living my life. Others live in fight, struggling for what they want. Some live in hesitation, hatred, hate, in need of admission, but I live with DIFFICULT CHOICES and DILEMMA.

How about you???

Finally the modeling sessions are over. I am now busy with other stuff: completing projects and take care of my relationship. This isn't easy pals. My boyfriend just told me there's a good book called Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps by Allan and Barbara Pease. Well, if you are in a relationship then you have to read this stuff.

The book tells us all we need to know about our opposite sex. About their nature characters to their sex habits and needs. By knowing these, you can help yourselves in the relationship you are now in. I am still working on the book and the practicing my self but also have so many things to do and much thinking inside of my head.

My best friend is breaking up from her 14-months-relationship and my other best friend is still dunno what she's up to in life. It's actually not my problems but when it comes to a girlfriend, it became her problems too (just read the book I recommended).

While now I am working on a project given by Licky, it's kinda motivate me to keep being in this interior designing world. He's making a new concept of clothes store, talking about candy all over the shop. This is something new and refreshing beside all those distribution store (distro) all over the country and factory outlets in Bandung. I hope I can help Licky and his friends to make this dream come true.

This is fun. I gotta new activity now being a model. Wow!

Don’t think of professional model or something, no. I am just being a model for drawing model classes. Not bad I earn lots of money here though I have to stay still waiting for the students to draw me. This is funny how 20-25 students draw my figure, my face, my gesture. The results were various. Some drew me really good I’m surprised how imaginative these young people are. They are about 3 years younger than me. But some drew me so bad I wanted to mad and laugh but that’s okay cuz the good ones are quite pleasing.

The bad part is that I had to sit in some pose in more than 1 hour. In the first meetings they made it 2x1 hour per class but now it’s the second week, they made it 1x1.5 hours per class so I had to find the most relax pose I had to be in for the next 1.5 hours. If not, I’d get numb in legs or hands and butt.

The funny thing is I can see various persons. There is a girl who always wears orange. She’s like the Orange Girl but not like one in Jostein Gaarder’s novel. She wears orange shirt and orange shoes and orange framed spectacles with orange bag and orange wallet and orange cell phones. The only thing that isn’t orange in her is only blue jeans. But her drawings are good.

The other funny student I notice is a boy with curly hair and odd body figure he looks like a joker in kingdom if he wears joker’s costume. He’s good in drawing but he always put his tongue out while he’s drawing he looks so funny to look at once in a while.

The other students are just ordinary. I can see their characters by their drawings and outfits. This is fun but also boring and made me sleepy. The money is worth it so it’s just okay with me. Haha…