My friend Ratih and sister Clemy made me watch this funny movie My Life in Ruins. It's just the sort of drama comedy that will instantly light up your day, especially because it's located in Greece, one of the most romantic, philosophic, and must-visit place ever. When I see Georgia in the set, I see myself for the past few years. Or for the freshest memory, she was me on New Year Eve.

I know that I look too absurd by cutting almost all of my hair at the very end of year 2010. It feels funny though. This is like the shortest hair I've ever wear since my 6th grade. First, I felt fresh. It was like being reborn into a new person, but it's still the same old me inside. It's just releasing some stress away and replacing it with new vibe. I felt like brand new and this is a good feeling.

But then whenever I look at the mirror, it's like looking at somebody I never knew. It's like looking at a part of me I've never known. I now look both tomboy and edgy, no longer the sweet and elegant Victoria I think I used to be (since my British granny always told me to look like a lady.) Some of my friends said I look much more like Mom now. Lol. She's totally the opposite character of mine.

Yodi said the other day that children are products of their parents. Whatever the parents are, the parents do, the parents say will be reflected on their descendants. For as long as I know, I was the extreme opposite of Mom who is extra-independent, super-Mom kind of a woman, someone who is both tough and gentle, bold and lovable. Someone who is not me.

But lately, I think I left my feminine, soft character and becoming into my Mom. I dress like her, think like her and now behave like her. I take things much more easily or in the most common language known as "cool". I don't give a damn about what people think about me and I don't really care about what they do. As long as they don't disturb me, I don't disturb them.

I see life is much easier to live, and the world has became a better place for me to be. I was such a misfit anywhere I go, but lately, I've found my dwelling place. I had made myself my own shelter and feel comfortable enough being in it. I set my own goals and rules and live by it. I see myself

But sometimes, certain people still make me feel insecure. It's funny how your haircut can make you think about things around you, and more above that, about yourself. That's what I'm dealing with recently, having dialogue with myself inside of my brain about my hair vs character. It's so unimportant I think, but I do it somehow, in my spare time, on my way to the office.. Lol. I'm going crazy!

On new year eve, I spent the whole evening with my friends at Joey's photo studio. Vicy, my new friend, picked me up at around 4 p.m. just after I cut my hair at the salon. She and I had some conversation and found out that both of us share the same tribe of Banten (West Java) and same given title of Ratu (title of Bantenese royal family--Tubagus for men and Ratu for women--which stops at Bagus, son of a Ratu). And her house in Anyer is not too far from my family's land. It's so nice to find a friend with similar background, though we are actually a completely different persons.

Then I saw Vicy posing lightly and cheerfully in front of the camera with my other friends, too, but I couldn't compare her. Dunno why but I couldn't see myself fit in there. I felt like I didn't belong there, between those beautiful carved faces and bods. I felt inferior between them, that's why I withdrew myself. Joey said it was just a matter of self confident. I didn't have it. I dunno why but I couldn't be confident that night.

When I think about it now, it's more about me being too uptight. I think about stuff too much and I let them get me. I have to loose up and open up just like Georgia did in the movie, so I can be as freely as Vicy. When I see her character, I envy her a little bit. Her slow reaction and fragile figure--which can be said sexy for some people but anorexic-looking for others--somehow makes guys wanna be the man who will fight for her honor (had too much of the song, are you? Lol)
... then I thought, why should I try so hard of being an independent one like Mom?

Perhaps I was indeed in a middle of brief character-crisis that night, with my new short hair and beside a skinny beautiful model, with too much beer consumed and terribly bad habit of insomnia. But now I got my self confidence back. I feel more okay now with this super short cut and I think I'm gonna stay short for a while, maybe for 1-2 years. After that, I'm gonna have my long hair back, so enjoy my sporty look now, friends ;)