For me, this isn't a mere thriller movie. The message is too obvious to be understood: God's plan isn't based upon how we feel or think about it. It had been written, it had been adjusted. We still have free will and chances, but above all that, our fate had been planned. Gosh, this movie's kinda hitting me.

Now I'm at the point of blacking out. I got my dearest people set their backs upon me and in the middle of job crisis. I dunno why but I got way too many things I'm interested on and just can't focus on one because things are coming my way just too fast. Now all I wanna do is hitting the pause button and get relaxed. But I just can't. World's still spinning and time's still ticking, but things aren't really changing.

The movie (which was based on a short science fiction story "Adjustment Team" by Philip K. Dick) said that when we do things not according to plan, stuff will be adjusted with our reasoning to get our mind's back to the plan, so that things are going the way they are meant to be.

I'm looking around myself now and it's becoming clear that God had planned bigger things for me, but first I need to sacrifice some part of myself, and they are what had been the most important ones in my life: love and friendship. Right now at this very moment, I feel like I've lost everything of it, being left only with problematic jobs and (thankfully) a lovely family.

Sacrifices need to be made, for "if thy hand offend thee, cut it off; it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched." (Mark 9:43, KJV.) And I guess these stuffs are related to each other for David Norris was planned to be a president but his love to Elise could lead him off it, and vice versa with Elise's fate.

I always knew that I'm meant to do large stuff, but my affection to the guy I love and to the friends I cherish time with is distracting me from the main goal and I just need to be apart from them all. I need to be focused on my goals. But sometimes, we feel the things we shouldn't feel and think about the things that are actually will cause us getting farther from our settled fate.

I am not saying this would be easy. I don't think it's easy at all. I must admit now that I'm at my lowest point of my soul interaction needs, tho my jobs are getting good and I can feel that I'm getting nearer to the goal. Somehow, the winner stands alone. There ain't not much space for too much people up there. The mountain always has pointed top above and larger bottom on the ground. Leaders to people are 1:10.000, or so.

But just like my name, I am designed to be on top, a victor. I am set against the current. Sad but true, I need to leave everything to follow the plan. I tried to do things my way once and it didn't work well. Things get messy and now my heart shattered into pieces. I can feel myself a little numb in there and there ain't nothing I can do about it. It's all about sticking to the plan, moving on and never look back.

I am still managing myself with this new situation here: the third month at aunt's place, an end of a job contract, and at point where friends are getting lesser and lesser and good ones are terribly hard to find. Don't ask about love. I don't feel like I still have the capability of loving no more. I guess, above all, what I lost here is trust. I feel like I can not trust anybody at all. And from there, I'm losing my trust on myself.

I know I'm sounded pathetic now and I'm really losing it. But I don't cry. Perhaps I've done that enough already in the past that I don't cry these days. I don't feel things the way I felt before. I am getting numb here and there and I'm so afraid of turning into a life zombie, cuz I think my life (apart from my jobs) now is so much a mess.

Guess I need a help. Or I just need a little more time with God. Funny thing is that I'd always been an independent adventurous girl. Now, I feel like I need my Mom much more than ever. It's like my soul needs hers to develop great minds together but situation are saying differently. I will say that life is working in a very not understandable way, but that's life anyway. In the end, we just need to follow the plan God had written for us, or make our own way if we are certain of the goal. I'm doing the first option. I hope it's the best thing to do.