Another Victoria's Secrets

What? You can say I'm so childish or such a gamer now, but these online games on FB are so much fun to play! I have many spare time now and whenever I am bored, I just go online and play them till the energy runs out... and yes, I am wasting away, but I just can't help it. Maybe I'll get bored with these soon, too, but for now I'm still having fun. Lol.

Yesterday, for the first time since months ago, I felt black. It was weird, since I'm normally being extra positive all the time. But for one day yesterday, I suddenly felt so alone. I felt like I have no friends at all. It was all started weeks ago, I guess, when family and friends tried (not seriously, maybe) to hook me up with some guys.

Lita asked me why do people around me always try to hook me up with anyone, and I was thinking: why? Perhaps they just don't like seeing me being an independent solo fighter, or maybe they simply don't trust my taste of men. Or for many other reasons, I have no idea. But it made me think hard: why should people keep telling me that I "need to be more serious about relationships"?

I was serious and look what happened to me. Now I'm being easy and still people are commenting. I got my own trauma, too, and I am dealing with it behind the thick wall I built on the outside, so why don't people just give me a break from it? It's so much troublesome, really. But this wasn't what made my mood dropped, actually. This could be just the trigger.

I needed to buy some stuff yesterday and usually my sister would accompany me to go shopping. Yesterday, she and my brother both refused my request and I ended up going alone to Taman Anggrek to shop at night. It wasn't the fact whether I can or not go shopping alone. It was just that it would be much nicer to have someone's company.

My thoughts were drowning deeper. I was thinking that all these times I kept my mood positive and high so whatever moods my siblings are having, I could always be the one who turns things to be better. I remained peaceful and easy going the whole time, but now that I needed them to accompany me, it just made me realize that we really can't depend on anyone in life, not even those who you trust and put on hopes to the most. We'll all just die alone anyway.

And as I sat alone at Tribeca Park for maybe 2 hours, I thought maybe I do need a life partner, since people are having their own lives and problems. I am so used of taking care of people's problems and forget that I need someone's shoulder too, sometimes. Maybe even that we all die alone, we still wanna live this life with a company beside us. Beside me.

It was funny that even in my ugliest mood I didn't go to anyone at all. I went through the dark hours alone--which was never my habit. I've always have people around and to go to. I think I became a true choleric who don't need anyone to make up their mood. What a change I had been thru!

Anyway, I did speak to one person last night, tho he's quite a new friend, but I think he's the only person who understands me the best for now. He just lighten up my mood just instantly, thank God I have him around, but I know that it's not him that made me smile. I didn't rely my happiness on him. It was because I wanted him to cheer me up and when he did, I simply glad my wish came true.

This morning, I saw Choky Sitohang's timeline on twitter and he quoted Rick Warren's saying: "You can't make Jesus stop loving you. You can try, but will fail, because His love is based on who He is, not who you are." And I realized, that I shouldn't really expect anything from anyone. I will keep being myself who is full of love and positive energy, no matter if they don't care about it. I'm just gonna love.

I know this really isn't my business, but people are telling me their probs and stories and now it became my prob too, for this person is bothering me with her money stuff. I don't really know what is really happening out there, but from what I see, she has big stuff with money, and it's related with her ex.

So this friend of mine had a younger boyfriend which I don't really like in person--if I was to be subjective. This guy treated her as if she was his maid, and she is also paying his bills. WTH! I don't know what keeps her hanging out with him, even after he dumped her that way, and she still pays for his expenses!

This really isn't my business to care about how they are dealing with their relationship or about their money stuff. But she borrows money from me and my other friends to cover up his bills--or whatever she is paying for--and it became bigger and wilder in time. What bothers us is that she keeps buying expensive stuff and living luxurious life as if she has the money!

Whenever I don't have money, I'd stay at home, or even if I go out, I'd eat at home or at cheaper places and enjoy just the togetherness, not buying stuff bigger than what I have in my wallet. I can't understand people with this kind of lifestyle, especially those who involve me in their probs.

I think it's quite an embarrassing stuff, to borrow money from friends, especially to those you aren't too close with. For me, the most perfect place to borrow money is family and bank, not people around or colleagues. I think it's a pretty disrespected attitude, especially when you make this a habit. And I think something must be done to stop this, at least not to happen to me no more.

I just watched this abnormal movie called Normal on TV and quite touched. I watched just half of it, when Roy had made up his mind to change his sex organ into a female, something that will shock any wife, for sure. So the movie is telling us how a sexual disorder can also happen in (what seemed like) a perfectly normal family. So there is no such thing as perfection.

What moved me when watching this, was how great and sincere the love showed in this movie, especially from Roy's wife, Irma. Becoming a normal housewife who loves her husband so much, she decided to put aside any abnormality between them and decided to love him unconditionally and staying by his side until the end, even when people expect her to do otherwise.

One unforgettable scene for me, was when the pastor came up and gave his permission for Irma to walk away. But she replied, "He is my heart, my heart." She held her right hand on her chest and whispered her love there--what comes from her heart. So her husband is becoming a transgender. So she won't ever experience the normal sex anymore. So people will tend to despise him and have pity on her... and so on.

So what? People don't know Roy as much as she does and Roy does love her as much. It isn't about what we are, but who we are as a person. It isn't about what's in the outside, but what's inside. By the end of the movie, Irma said, "Sweet Roy. Sweet soul. What we do for love." I think that's really what the whole movie is about. We usually expect our partner to be what we want them to be, but we forget to give them freedom to become what they want.

I've been through several of unbalanced and unhealthy relationships and saw many more from friends around me. I've discussed a bit about this with Patrick on our long conversations lately and I think that most of people now are too selfish. We don't see that kind of unconditional love anymore nowadays. People are being too demanding and self-centered and forget to see the true self of their surrounding--most importantly, their partner.

I experienced this myself, being demanded to become or behave like someone I was not. One of my exs always dictated me to do this, not do that, bla bla bla. He didn't allow me to become who I am, he wanted me to be like what he liked--and it felt like HELL. I mean it. So when I saw how Irma let Roy becoming Ruth, I saw true love here, and I cry myself for not having this... yet.

Love is something that we feel, regardless how ugly, weird, freak the person we love is. Love is something we can not force because it's something beyond our control. This isn't easy, I know, to accept people just how they are. It needs a lot of understanding, open mind and matureness to get to it. But such love exists and I believe I will experience it myself where I can be totally myself and share mutual feelings with just one guy for the rest of my life. I wish you all the same!

Is it too old, you think, being 27? Or is it still too young, do you think?

For me, 27 is just a number. I still feel so young, too young to think about marriage myself. I still have a lot to do before deciding that huge once-in-a-lifetime stuff and I really don't wanna rush it up. Yet, I feel old enough to not playing around anymore. It's such a blessing, turning 27, but also as a reminder at how fast years gone by.

My mom was nagging about me being still a single at the age of 27 for the last couple of months, especially lately that I see her more often. She is worried sick about me not getting the right life partner and being poor in material. It's such a silly thought, I think, now that she had taught me all of the little things that made me who I am.

Being 27, for me, is sort of a warning number that I need to be more focused in both work and love. Maybe the portion is much bigger for work for now, since I have no lover. But in liking someone, I have many boundaries, like it or not. Because the guy I'd date should be an eligible husband-to-be, Mom warned me.

Funny, because I'm not thinking about marriage for now, but Mom is true, because I myself feel so tired about love and relationship already. I'm tired of hesitation and broken hearts, of waiting and hoping too high. I think it's time to give up on love and highlight my other sides in life. Still, you can not push away or pull aside love.

Love comes unexpectedly and randomly. You don't pick up one on your own. Love comes just like that, and what can we do about it? I know I'm 27 and need to be serious now. But at the moment, I want to enjoy just what I have now around me: random jobs and some guy to like. We'll just see where things are going from now, but we simply need to take steps, right?

This daily illustrated blog is made by my most art-genius friend. (I think) he was the best in my graphic design class and his drawings are all supercool. Visit his other marvelous works at met's illustration journal and voelkan. I bet you'd like his works, all of them!

My weekend is so fun! I went to Bandung and went out with my friends as usual. Starting Friday night when Otto asked me and Cheryl to come by to Toko You and join him with Iem, Agatha and Stanny--Patrick showed up later. I just knew the girls there but we already had extremely great laugh together for 3 hours that night.


The next day I went to Ciwalk with Cheryl before she (with Dimas, Otto and Stanny) had to watch a 6.45 p.m. movie. I went to Aston Primera Hotel by 7 p.m. to attend Reza+Claudia's wedding and met a lot of schoolmates there, people I hadn't met in the last 1-2 years, including--especially--Tessa and Jeremy. It was also like a reunion to us.


After taking pictures and quick chats, I went to OJ's Tavern to meet up with my friends but due to my drained BB battery, I couldn't get in touch with anyone. So I was just waiting there with Dipo till people are turning up one by one. At around 10-11 p.m., my friends filled half of people in OJ's, and it's so much fun to be there.

I really wish that my life will always be as fun as this weekend. Thanks, friends! :)

This post is about a month late, actually, but I'm posting it anyway. This was my first runway experience--not as the catwalker, for sure--but as an audience. This happened on the first Tuesday after I quit the job and I still needed to go back to the office to help finishing things. After work, I went to a salon and had my hair done, got some manicure and pedicure, too.

7 p.m. we were all gathered at Nimas' place to get ready. Nimas, Rachelle, Herdi and I, plus Bajaj (Nimas' ex) were doing make up and dressed up in that tiny room for about 1 hour before we finally set up. 9 p.m., we were heading to Cyber 2 Tower to attend the DKNY Jeans fashion show at the Jack Rabbit.

I was a little disappointed, actually, dressing up and making up and when I finally was on the spot, it took less than 30 minutes for the models to walk and turn and pose and then it just done. Maybe I was hoping too much for some catwalk show to be like the fashion week stuff I saw on TV. But anyway, it was all good to have such experience. Only, I'm so not gonna do this for the second time. Lol.

by courtesy of Uncle Pat.

It had been quite some time since out family gathered in complete form. Time passed and things changed and suddenly it's 2011. Oma's turning 77 and we went to meet her at Area 51 in PIM, had lunch at the outdoor area, then moved to Aunt Agnes' house to celebrate it on cake. So I guess we are all gonna change somehow, but family sticks together, no matter how you like or dislike it.

Last week when I came back from my holiday in Bandung--back from fun sleepless nights I spent with my cousin and friends there--things are just getting more serious, troubled and far from what I just experienced for the three nights of the high school kinda life I've missed out: drinking, singing and jamming old school songs.

Anyway, while I was having fun with my old friends out there, Mom was dealing with asphalting the streets in our house complex. It's a social working, and Mom was the one who had the idea and became the chief of the project, and none of the committee are getting paid. It's a very noble act, I'd say, but needs a lot of sacrifice as well.

During the project, I took several lessons I saw from Mom's work:

1. Have a Chief, and obey him/her. It's not about who has the most money or the most brilliant brain. It's about working in a non-profit organization. Although you think you are smarter than the chief, respect and obey him/her, and give him/her advices. That way, the project can be done in harmony.
2. Stick to the rules. Even if it's "just" a non-profit, social project, there are rules. Follow the system and discuss any problems in meetings. Stick to the meeting's agenda and results. Don't complicate anything. Sticking to the rules is the simplest way to get things done properly in time.
3. Keep to the goal. Remind yourself about the purpose of the project so that you can keep your focus on making the project done. Social project is something you do other than your main job, so we understand that you don't put this on your top priority, but don't forget that you work in and part of a team. So you better do your part well.  
4. Work for God, not for others nor your personal aim(s). Therefore, you would work heartily and unconditionally. Don't work with hidden purposes or to 'get a name', for you might humiliate yourself instead. When you do your work with all your heart, you will shine and praised after all. But seek for God's kingdom first, then all the glory will be added to you.

About a month ago, I was still employed as a magazine editor. For the last two weeks there I was facing a dilemma between an interior design project and the current job at the time. I was still floating on hesitation, but God's word came to me one morning, firming my decision.

On the last Monday morning in March and on the next few days, I got a topic discussed in the online Christian Pocket Guide application on my Blackberry. It first said, "God builds our faith through our dreams". It made me think about series of things happened to me lately, especially on my job.

God had already prepare great things for us. But we also need to make effort to have them happen. Here is the simple guide to victory:

1. Dream. He puts His plan on us in form of dream into our mind so that we think about it over and over, and work our way to make it happen. It's like He's setting a goal for us.
2. Make Decision. Of course, the path wasn't easy or quick or so instant to have come to the decision. But along the way, I learned and prepared for this decision. God needs a decision. He needs to see our eagerness to have the dream come true and win all the prizes He had prepared for us. 
3. Have the Faith. He doesn't give us things too easy. He still wants to test us by giving us gap time. He would give us the things He had prepared for us, just in His time, not ours. So our faith is crucial to put on some practical here.
4. Prepare for Promotion. We are all trusted for bigger responsibility after succeed dealing with smaller stuff. So don't whine and do your job well, because it will somehow be useful in the future. God sees all that and He is the one who decides when is the perfect time to grant you the promised victory.
5. Call His Name. Don't forget to pray, even when you already certain that the victory is in your way. Especially when things are eventually come true, give Him credit. Give thanks and be grateful always. 

After all that, we shall all be victors. Let's make dreams come true!

For video streaming lovers out there, check this Beta web made by a friend of mine: Layang. I still don't really understand this either, but in time I will. So why don't you sign up here and tell me about it? Leave your email address in the post's comment box if you need an invitation and I'll send you one ASAP.

As a fan of Neil Gaiman's works, it is no doubt that I love Coraline so much. Been watching it over and over again, I can never get bored with the story of a little girl with blue hair and yellow raincoat who found a small door to the other world where her parents weren't as boring as her real one. One thing she didn't know was the danger she was in.

The movie tells us how to be careful of what we wish for, and also to appreciate what we have, tho things often aren't as how we expect it, but somehow learn that they are the best for us. What we wanted for, on the other hand, just seem nicer and maybe more glamorous, but isn't the best. We need to learn seeing things from the larger, zoomed out picture.

Last night, Pompink brought me to the theater, watching this '?' movie in XXI PIM 1 at 11.15 p.m. The movie was talking about the most sensitive topic in Indonesia: race and religion differences in daily life. Set on 2010, the whole year was concentrated in a china town in Semarang, said to be filmed based on true story.

'?' for me is so far the best Indonesian movie about social and cultural differences issue that is still a problem in real life. The last movie I watched about this difference was cin(t)a, but the scope was limited on the unfulfilled love between two students. This '?' gives wider and more complex condition and perspective.

I'm not really giving synopsis here, please read these related articles for '?' from nitasmoviediary and amriawan which might help you understand about this movie better. I can only recommend you to have an open mind and open heart before watching this very nice movie of Hanung Bramantyo. Go watch it and be open with me.