I am sitting down at a coffee shop now, with Lyssandre here with me. We are busy with our own laptops, as all other kiddos do in modern days. Anyway, Lyssandre went to Tulip last night and reported to me that he met my friends there, asking where I was because they thought Lyssandre and I were couple. And he said, it's weird because no one in Tulip seemed to understand me at all.

Lyssandre said I am quite a strange person of all the people he meets here in Bali. Perhaps he means that I am one of a kind. He said he feels me keeping distance with people--or maybe just with him. He mentions that he feels as if I don't want to be recognized, to be known, to be understood by people around me. It seems like no one knows me well, and I realize he is the first who analyzes me.

This guy is actually really smart. He works with autistic kids, so he knows everything about truth. Interesting, I thought, because all other people I meet here seem fake. They hide their sadness or ugliness behind the fancy dresses and make ups. It's just not really my thing, but Lyssandre said it's so weird to find them seem to not know me because I work and meet with them everyday.

I should be disappointed, actually, to know that even those who I meet most of time don't seem to know me at all. But yes, it is true that I keep distance with people. It's not that I am being so arrogant, but I just don't think it's necessary to open up and explain myself to people who just don't care. And people around me here, they mostly don't care.

Sometimes I find it funny how I let my boss thinks that I am such a hypocrite Christian girl who never goes out on weekends like what he's doing. It's not that I want to lead him wrong, but I don't think it's necessary to let boss to know about my personal life. Even when he asks, he doesn't really care anyway. He listens only for the first sentence I speak and makes his conclusions right away. No long story needed, he's bored already.

Lyssandre said, my way of casual daily clothing is like the way I try to tell people that I can be easy going too, even though I'm actually a more serious and conservative person. It's the contrary to Dewi's more bubbly personality hidden beneath her executive daily outfits. Anyway, people have their own compensation, haven't they? We all have our own place/things to run away and excel/complete in one part of our lives to fill in the lackness/emptiness in other part(s)

And also, by Lyssandre's analysis, I am such a giving person. I tend to learn about people's needs around me and give them what they need. I give compliments to my sanguine friends. I do whatever things my boss needs. I follow whatever things my friends want to do, wherever they want to go, whenever they want it. I follow and I give. Which could be good, he said, but can also be bad.

Yea, I know about it. I just don't think I can trust anyone in Bali enough to let out of myself. I keep it, hide myself behind. But now that Lyssandre mentioned it, I think I've been doing this all my life. My previous surroundings didn't let me be myself, so after tired of trying to become what they demanded me (and everyone else) to be, I just lay low; not letting myself out to just anyone, and keep things in the mainstream way on the surface.

That is, I realize now, why I have this blog. To get away from the demanding world out there and have my own sanctuary where I can put my thoughts and secrets and myself, all freely. I can be open to real human too, but I choose carefully these special people, which I think already many of them (I have many close friends, I believe). But to people outside my trusted circle, I like to remain as just another girl.